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User Topic: What was that "gut" feeling you had????
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I was walking with my friend tonight and she asked me this question....."Nine years ago when you first caught on, what was your gut feeling that kept nagging your inners telling you h was having an affair?

The first thing that came out of my mouth and came to my mind was him saying ow's name all day long and trying to get it into every conversation we had. That was the one big dead giveaway.

I started to wonder what the rest of the BS's gut feeling were that put an end to their WS's a?


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

OW was getting a divorce and asked people in the office to help her move. No one but my (at that time future) WS offered to help.

I kept trying to explain to him that he didn't have to be a KISA. That it wasn't appropriate for him to get involved. That he could get involved in other ways other than physically being there. I cried. He still insisted he HAD to go. She NEEDED his help.

Fast forward 4 mos.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
overcoming2003
Member
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

1. Him forgetting to come home at night from time to time.

2. Once when I was very pregnant, he came home with a long penis and not pants nor underwear. He tried to sneak past our bedroom quietly, but I noticed anyway. I was too pregnant and tired to fight, so I said nothing.

3. Him coming home the next day (not even morning, but next day) with clothes that I didn't recognize.

4. The hidden condoms...that were not for me, because we didn't use them...

The writing was on the wall, but I was just too dumb to read it.


Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Ugh. I hate to even think about it.

One day we had had a horrible row over anything and everything, but yet that night he wanted to have sex. Well, as most of us women can attest to, THAT wasn't going to happen.

Well, he had the audacity to be pissed about it, and actually said, "well, if you aren't going to give me any, I guess I will have to get it somewhere else". I didn't believe he would ever do that (yep, I know, stupid me ) I thought he was just saying that to hurt me because he was pissed. So, of course I wanted to hurt him back, and I chuckled and said, "well, good luck with that, I feel sorry for whomever you find" and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "how do you know I haven't already found someone"? with an almost smug look on his face. (I still thought he was just trying to hurt me because I just knew he would never cheat on me. So I just rolled my eyes at him.

He told me he had cheated and I didn't believe him!!!! God what a moron I was!

This is something that still haunts me to this day, because I can simply not remember when this fight occurred! Was it before D-day? or was it after I found out, but he had not yet made a full confession? Was it a year before D-day, or several years before? It really torments me that I can not remember, because it would tell me if there had been infidelities other than the one I found out about.

I had many many other stressors in my life at the time, (2 sick elderly parents, a sick teenager, and planning a wedding) and my mind was so shot that I remember very little from several years leading up to D-day.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

He was cold and distant during the third trimester of my pregnancy. It was so weird...like the closer I got to the due date...the further away I felt from him..but even then I didn't suspect.

The day after I had the baby he snapped at me in the hospital and said, "I hate you!" Then proceeded to sit down and weep. I couldn't understand why my wonderful husband was acting this way. When we got home from the hospital he was even more distant and cold. I knew it wasn't supposed to be like this. Our little family unit had grown...our first born...who we tried desperately to conceive...and he acted like I wasn't even there.

He was getting ready for a trip out of town for work (to the state/town where the OW lives) and I said, "what is wrong with you? why are you acting like this? Is there someone else?"

He said, "I'm not talking about this with you right now." That was it. I cried all night. He left the next morning...kissed me and DS...and texted me when he made it safely to his destination. That night at 4am during a feeding something told me to check the phone records...and there it was. 4 months of phone calls and texts. Even while I was in the hospital giving birth to our son.

I hate that woman. I know it's him...his fault..his vows..his family...but what kind of POS low life woman is ok receiving phone calls with updates on the birth of her married lover's child? Gross. He's gross too...but I've never hated or felt more sorry for another person in my life.

Sorry...took it to another place.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

None. Absolutely no gut feeling that he was or would cheat on me. Blindsided!

Now, he was a freaking asshole to me for years, and he had an LTA, so maybe that should have been a clue, but it wasn't. I just thought he was ramping up his assholishness and selfishness.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

When he kept going places and showed interest in things he always made fun of and said it all was his newer guy friend "Sam" that was showing him all this stuff, or taking him these places.

He would have had to been sleeping with his guy friend to believe he would spend that much time with him. That happens I know, but the one and only thing I have been sure of throughout the A and beyond, is my WH's sexual orientation.

So, that got me digging. My first post on this board was titled "Finding condoms". I came across the rubbers by accident one day, but it was the point where I decided to investigate, based on those gut feelings.

There were tons of other signs, his hostility towards me, and stuff. But the friend thing, the guy friend.

It was to the point it was ridiculous already. 3 times a week or more with the same dude? doing one thing or another?

[This message edited by Spelljean at 4:59 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I know it sounds funny, but he starting kissing me on some weird schedule.

He'd be hours on his computer, after getting home from law school, crazy intently studying. No breaks, no distractions, no interactions with the family.

It was so obsessive that I started asking if he was having trouble in classes. When he realized I was paying attention, he started getting up from his studying and deliberately kissing me in some theatrical fashion. Like every couple hours on a timer.

The kids and I would look at each other with an, "What the heck is up with him?" expression, it was so marked and... fake.

I knew something was up. I just never would have guessed a second set of affairs. Obviously, I'm brilliant.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Gut feeling? I didn't have the gut feeling....I had tangible evidence..

The new $1,200 golf clubs "he bought." (Yeh, right!)

The new expensive shirts he started wearing saying, "These have been in the back of the closet for years.." (Sure, got a bridge to sell ya!)


Posts: 671 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

His sending me a text meant for her...Oopsie...


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

In a nutshell, radical behavior changes.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

P.S. Yep, to 1Faith, I got those too, with attempts at cover-up: like, he would say, "oh, that was for so and so, another male coworker", on an overnight work trip...but the message content just did not jive.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

First came his indifference towards me. Our conversations were like strangers. I felt like he was slipping away.

Next was cruel remarks. I couldn't do anything right. He also for the first time ever made a remark about my physical appearance. Up til then I felt pretty damn good about myself .
He lost all chivalry towards me. Watched me try to move a huge dresser while I was painting. Walked past me while I was having hell with the lawn mower because he ceased all yard work. That was just so unlike him.
Couldn't keep an erection during sex, then stopped having sex. I believed him when he said it was due to stress.

His cell phone that he rarely used before was attached to his hip constantly and no one could touch it.

Probably the first time I started looking for evidence was when he refused to give his mom back the cell phone he was using of hers, even after we got our own service. That was when we went toe to toe. I demanded he give it back and he lied and hid it instead of returning to his mom. I knew at that point.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Telling me about his day always involved the OW - to the point where I told him that I wanted to hear about his day but only if it didn't involve her. Stupid.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I ignored so many obvious clues due to blind trust, but I became suspicious when he STOPPED talking about the OW. It was not unusual at all for him to have female friends, and this one was no different. She had money (or rather her BH did)and he was envious. He even brought me to their house to see their 'stuff'.

Then, suddenly, he stopped talking about her--nothing. It was like a lightbulb going off in my head. The first thing I did was check his voicemail (I had set up his PW years ago and he had never changed it ) There was a very 'familiar' message from her--nothing obvious, just like a wife talks to a husband. Then I set up an on-line account for his cell phone (he's very low tech) and saw the 1000's of monthly texts and minutes of talk--so much so that he went over his bill by $500-600 each month! (We paid our own cell bills.) Then I set up an on-line account for his pharmacy based on his HBP Rx--bingo! A viagra prescription that he was NOT using for me.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

No gut feeling. I was oblivious.

Looking back there were many signs, but I was too stupid to notice.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

@sad in az..YES...OW was in a group of acquaintances of ours. He started talking about her, his bf was wanting to get in her pants blah blah. He told me she said she liked his truck and didn't believe him when he said it was mine. He talked about her kids but the weird thing was, he always said she was mega bitch. All of a sudden it was if she dropped off the face of the earth. She put her.kids in a diff league than ours. I would ask about her and he would shrug his shoulders. I think that's when they started their A.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Repeated behaviors.

Just like a dog/puppy will circle or sniff before they pee. Dog never told me he was going to pee, but he did.

Back to the subject, I didn't want to believe my WS but I saw repeat behavior.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Walked in and they were acting like they had been caught at something. I asked them what the hell was going on? She said she would never do that to a friend ( guess I was t a friend). Anyway they convinced me it was nothing. My gut told me it was more when no one ever mentioned it again. If it was so innocent they would have been making a joke about how bizarre my accusations were!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Runninggirl
Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Mine was plain old women's intuition.

Something was off. Asked him if he was mad at me hoping to nudge him into opening up (he is a very gentle soul usually) snapped at me and replied, "everything is not about you"

Next day I logged into FB and there it was. Her H found out and threatened to tell me.
Wish he had.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Loyalty2Liberty
Member
Member # 36714
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

We first met OW together, on a business trip I was on (WH was assisting with my booth)

The minute we got home, he started with the screaming creepy stalker rants about her. Not raisin his voice, not hollering, litterally and precisely screaming. Creepy shit. About someone he spoke to a grand total of once in his life. If they were both single, and there wasn't a big fat age gap, I would not have thought it was love at first sight. I would have been thoroughly skeeved out. But no. He was my husband of nearly 10 years. FML. I thought it extremely unhealthy. I let him contact his new friend, but talked to him a lot about my concerns with the creepy behavior and screaming rants and the disturbing content thereof. He never did this before. I was completely flatfooted and dunbstruck by the whole situation. Maybe his lack of friends was driving him slowly insane? He did withdraw and lack social contact, and got meaner to me and everyone else in the months leading up to his meeting her... I thought maybe some friends would help. Shocked, bewildered, deeply disturbed. He was my spouse. I trusted him. This was completely out of character.

Basicly the phenomenon here:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RefugeInAudacity

combined with the trust and emotion inherant in any relationship over a decade old to give him the perfect springboard for abuse and gaslighting to start working their magic. As generally happens when abuse starts warping a person's perceptions, things just kept getting worse from there.


me:BW
him:stbxWh


Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2012
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

From his EA, I knew we were becoming distant. With the life we lead ( being military) he has been gone so much, its harder to read when you have spent time apart. His ONS happened when he was at the Army post we are at now as a student and the next morning after it happened, we were webcaming and I just knew. It took me over a year to get him to tell me. I ignored a lot of signs because I didn't want to see what I was seeing


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I was doing volunteer work (running a free after hours medical clinic for
the working poor and homeless) and I would call that I was on the way home. And she was at a wine bar! With some strange coworker I'd never met! This from the person I have to twist her arm for a week just to go see a Saturday matinee. TROUBLE.

It still pisses me off I was out serving The Lord and my fellow man and she took that opportunity to get her rocks off.

And then the special app games, constant texting and hiding her cell phone commenced. Wasn't too hard to figure out by then.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
LivingALie
Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I’m not quite sure. At the time our marriage wasn’t in the best place – we weren’t necessarily arguing, but there was a definite disconnect between us – yet, I never thought he was cheating. He was having “more” dinner meetings and constantly on the laptop or blackberry – but those things weren’t too unusual – it was always “work” related.

The things I did notice I didn’t pay much attention to – it was when he started subtly accusing me of cheating and just being nasty and mean, which isn’t really him – one day, I still can’t explain why – I looked at his yahoo email – which was never password protected – and saw a fb request from a woman he worked with whose name I had heard him mention before – but still didn’t give it much thought – just tucked it away in my head. Could he? Maybe? Naaaa….not him.

I never dreamed he’d have anything in his work email (which also was not password protected) and just didn’t think it was worth even looking. After an evening of his being particularly distant and cranky – the next morning I looked in his email and there it all was – I was stunned – actually speechless.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
Dallas2
Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I was away at the time and he always called me on his way home from work. One night something in his voice. I don't really know. I could probably tell the first time they had sex.
When I came home my house was spotless, I mean completely spotless not even a dust bunny. Iasked he laughed but I knew.. I just could never prove it.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

He just disappeared emotionally one day - pretty close to the time I found out I was pregnant.

He started being cruel. Critical. Rolling his eyes at everything I did. He could barely contain his exasperation.

I screamed, shouted, cried, pleaded, begged - I tried everything to work out what the hell was wrong with him and where the hell did my husband go?

I knew the first time I smelled another woman on his groin (I commented, we both gaslighted me then I proceeded with the BJ). I have a very song sense of smell. I KNOW what I smell like and that wasn't it.

I knew when I sat at a wedding with him which OWUmpteen also attended. I was 8 months pregnant at the time.

She was acting so weird. He was acting so weird. Their other prior OW colleague was also acting so weird. I kept asking him WTF was wrong with her. "Nothing - she's pretty dumb so doesn't have a lot of interesting things to say". I was surprised as he wasn't exactly a cerebral guy himself so didn't usually comment on others' intellect.

I cringe when I look back. Its as obvious as dogs balls now.

TBH I always knew he had the capacity to do it I just didn't think he would actually do it. Not to me. Not to us. Not to my girls. So I ignored all of the flaming, neon lit red flags. I saw what I wanted to see not what was really happening.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

It was the incessant mention with starry eyes. I hadn't seen that interest in a long time. Every single damn conversation had this person inserted into it. He had changed the name to a guy name but when I looked into his contacts, the one with that last name, and the first initial of the guy name he was using, turned out to be a "Sherry" and not "Sam". A call to the number confirmed things.
Eta: WH is an excellent gaslighter so he was eventually able to convince me that I was mistaken and witheld info about the A for a long time. If we trust our gut and find out something we should not allow ourselves to be convinced we are wrong afterwards.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 9:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

He was a little distant and "off" even though he blamed work stress

In retrospect (OW has the same first and middle name as me) there was a lot of him telling me: I told you this when he didn't


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Just a nagging feeling. Nothing in particular -- and I tried to brush it off -- but just a recurrent feeling that I didn't like him spending time with her all that much, though I personally liked her.

She was a co-worker of WH's, and we often did things with her and her husband. I also knew WH went to lunch with her at work sometimes (especially after his best guy friend at work started telecommuting). They had similar interests in a particular kind of music and went to a concert together once. Other people were supposed to go but bailed, apparently, and I was surprised at how uncomfortable it made me.

I asked months ago if he had feelings for her -- thinking he had a crush but never dreaming it was reciprocated, as she was a newlywed herself. He said, "Oh, no, we're just friends." And she was a very fun, likable, vivacious person, so it was easy to believe he just enjoyed hanging out with her. I did, too.

Then in May he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I asked if there was someone else -- if it was OW. He swore there wasn't. We agreed to try to work things out, and a month later he cracked and told me he was in love with OW, that he wanted to be with her, and that she felt the same way about him.

I never in a million years imagined that he would betray me. For almost 10 years of marriage (12 together), he has been such a kind, considerate, loving husband and a wonderful dad. He's not hugely attractive (I wasn't really attracted to him at all, until I got to know him, and then he grew attractive to me). He works in a field that's almost all men. When we first started dating, it was pretty widely acknowledged that I was way out of his league! And he always seemed very happy in our marriage (despite what he claims now).

Absolutely everyone we know -- friends, family, etc. -- is absolutely SHOCKED by this. When I messaged my sister, she said she had to read the message three times before it sank in what I was even saying.

[This message edited by Violetta at 10:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
kmbr
Member
Member # 10550
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

When he was traveling, and I just got a weird sadness about me. Just felt oppressive sadness and cried. I just knew. This was after he first met her and did say her name and seemed excited when talking about her. She was a prospective business associate.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
Married: July '02
Dday: 03/16/06

Posts: 551 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: AL
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

With my first WH, it was all the textbook stuff. He started being mean and short with me. Then started accusing me of sleeping with everyone I spoke to on the street. Then, as someone else said, I was at our "friend's" house, and we were waiting to order pizza. I went to the restroom, and when I came out - evidently I was faster than they thought - they had to sit up and separate from each other. They did a good job so that I couldn't accuse FOR SURE, but it was pretty obvious. Then, of course, they would always offer to go get the food while I stayed at home. Dumb much?

For my current WH, it was that he withdrew from me. Then I found porn on his computer. I asked if he had been unfaithful and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "NO". I believed him.

When I found the evidence on his computer - the pic of the prostitute with his erect penis in the foreground and her (naked) in the background, I remember that I didn't normally look at his computer EVER. I had mono and he was at church with the kids. Something just told me to check out his computer - just like that. I did. That happened 2 times with me. Once when I found the porn. The next time when I found the pic of her. I don't have good intuition, so I guess God took over!

Now that I read this whole thread with all these posts, I have begun to wonder if my husband withdrew from me and then subsequently was unfaithful, or if he was unfaithful way back, and the infidelity caused the withdrawal.

Shit. Actually never thought of that before!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My H traveled extensively also. During his first job out of town, he seemed so happy, excited, kept mentioning her name. going out every night. Didnt seem to miss us at all. I told him at the airport, I felt divorced. This went on for 20 years. I believe now, there were several OW. I can never prove any of it. Cant even prove the last one that emploded our marriage.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 952 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

when WW told me they talked for 4 hours after having dinner, my spider sense was a tingling.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
silverlignings39
New Member
Member # 40063
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, July 26th (Friday)

-Waking up and seeing him texting early in the morning, uncharacteristic of him.
-All of the sudden her name was popping up in my head
-He was distant and emotionally unavailable.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Nova Scotia
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Inconsistencies, mainly:

Interested in things out of the blue: a football game, score of a game, certain television shows, brief, obsessive and overkill inquires about topics not consistent with what she normally liked, inquiring in a way that was not consistent with her character.

Blank stares and delays in conversations and dark glossy eyes, from being distant, due to her mind working overtime in the background.

Purchased a new set of phones for the house and she wanted to know precisely how they worked. She normally didnt' care about tech (but now she needed to know how to delete the memory)

Anger and inconsistent moods, and mood swings. I would do something that made her happy, then do it again and she's angry. There was no telling what kind of mood she would be in, other than typically angry.

Appearance, spending an excessive amount of time getting ready for work, and tatoo, botox, laser, eye lid surgery.

My feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of failure, difficulty in pleasing, wanting to give up.

She was doing things to build her image (so she would have something interesting to talk about.) Going to concert, going out with girl friends, pole dancing, overkill stuff. The more I didn't like it, the more she wanted to do it.

Encouraging me to do things that didn't seem right for a husband to be doing. Angry about me drinking yet bringing more alcohol home for me. Encouraging me to work out in the garage. Honey I picked up another 12 pack for you (go enjoy yourself so I can bitch about it to my AP behind your back.)

She called me for reasons that didn't make sense (because she wanted to know where I was, when I was coming home, and what were our plans.) She called me with high energy yet had nothing of value to tell me.

The more I tried to do or make something special for our marriage, the more she downplayed it.

Inconsistency with working at home on the computer. What? Right now? Its nice outside and our son has a game, and you need to stay home THIS MORNING to do your work, then do nothing this afternoon and tonight? If not this, then she was sick, and stayed home while we went out to a game, or whatever.

I can go on and on with little examples. Basically, the events boil down to inconsistencies, things that didn't match the moment. She always had an excuse. I always believed her. I thought I was the dumbass for not understanding.

[This message edited by still-living at 7:41 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I honestly had *no* idea for those first 4 years. Not one damn clue.

Then one day (which it was his third AP by then) I got into his car and I saw the crucifix necklace hanging on his rearview mirror which reeked of perfume. That's a pretty big sign.

I confronted him, he gaslighted, but I was on high alert. That was the day after Father's Day (she'd given it to him on father's day).

By July 8th I caught him. Because I watched his behavior and caught him lying about websites he was visiting (he was translating her texts from Spanish to English on a translation site) and then I went and looked at our phone records and saw the hundreds and hundreds of texts.

I still didn't know about the others, though I had suspicions which weren't confirmed for another year when he got fired for sexual harassment and forced confession.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

If I look back & think really hard my first gut feeling was when probably a year before the A started.. WH & I were garage sailing & he came across a jogging stroller & said his co-worker(OW) wanted one.. he opened his wallet & pulled out a scrap of paper with her phone number on it & called her ..

It gave me an ick feeling but I put it aside..

first TRUE gut feeling was December 12, 2007.. WH was distant, cold & mean & I just had an odd feeling something was off.. he had been calling/texting a strange number .. when I asked him he first denied any number then said it was co worker & they were talking about a gift for DS GF. .. Gut feeling wouldn't ease up & I kept telling friends & my confidant Aunt that I had a feeling he had a secret phone somewhere.. I was right & found the phone Dec 21 .. that day changed my life forever!!


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4784 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

From "gut" to "observation" order-

1. We were in bed one night having mysteriously uncoordinated and out of sync intimacy. I couldn't figure out why after years of being completely in sync in bed we were suddenly so awkward with each other - he put his elbow on my hair just as I moved to sit up, and a huge amount of hair ripped out, then I raised my hand to feel my head and his hand moved in the same direction and his watch gouged my arm really deeply. All within a few seconds. My eyes smarted with tears, and he laughed. He actually laughed, like a giggle, like an unfeeling stranger might laugh at someone slipping on ice.

That emotional out of synch feeling combined with the physical one was when something inside of me knew he was not my husband inside his heart just then.

2. He started playing poker with his group from work. FOW was part of this group and a frequent host of the poker parties. My FWH is a gentle, overeducated academic who would rather read a book in his armchair on friday nights than almost anything else. Or go for a bike with his cycling group. He's not a gambler, and I'd never seen him play cards other than go-fish with the kids. Suddenly he's Mr Texas Hold'em?

And of course the defensiveness when I'd question why he was suddenly obsessed with poker. I "didn't want him to do anything fun" and I was "accusing him of having a gambling habit" and then I was also apparently "jealous that he had such a good relationship with his working group".

3. Cell phone magneted to his ass, under his pillow, and to his ear RIGHT UP UNTIL he pulled to the end of our driveway at which point he always hung up and couldn't remember who he'd been talking to. So cliched.


Posts: 3196 | Registered: Mar 2005
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

My FWH and the OW had a close friendship for about a year before the A started. These are the things that gave me that gut feeling:

• The very first thing: Before the PA started, he lent her his car while hers was in for repairs. I remember thinking how unnecessary that was, especially since it inconvenienced us with our work schedules. I think they must have been EA by then.

• FWH and I sometimes went out with OW and her H. My FWH and OW would chatter away with each other, to the extent that her H and I had to struggle to insert ourselves into the conversation. That degree of mutual involvement made me suspicious.

• To quote SoVerySadNow:

It was the incessant mention with starry eyes. I hadn't seen that interest in a long time. Every single damn conversation had this person inserted into it.

• When we moved away from OW's city, he became impatient and snappish with me some of the time. I chalked it up to a difficult and demanding job. But actually, the PA had started just a few weeks before we moved, and they kept seeing each other in a city midway between her city and ours.

But in spite of all those indications, I couldn't make myself believe that my straight-arrow husband would actually commit adultery. Therefore, he was able to gaslight me successfully for a long time. Sigh.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

The first time, my husband was on an unaccompanied tour overseas. He came home for his 30 days of leave and the man who told me he loved me and I was beautiful every single day since the day we met suddenly seemed to have trouble with any terms of endearment or compliment. I knew in my heart something was seriously wrong and looked at his email. I found an email from OW with one word: Yes. He had deleted the sent email to her so I have no idea what the question was but when confronted, he changed his password after swearing that it must have been a reply to all message.
Everything went into a spiral from there.

The second time, I had absolutely no clue until I got an odd call from a man while I was working. I am thankful that her husband called me even if he was very cryptic at first because I'd have never known and we'd have never worked on anything if he hadn't called.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4149 | Registered: Sep 2005
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

My "gut" feeling was confusion.

His behavior and demeanor had changed drastically. He was suddenly interested in fitness and buying new clothing because of weight loss. Mostly, though, confusion about his unexplainable and irrational rage at me. He was just plain mean.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2011
StruckNumb
Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Over time, he started treating me with contempt and constantly made sarcastic "humorous" comments to me in private and in front of others.

He constantly checked his phone over and over all day long during the weekend and became angry when one day, while visiting relatives, our 12 year old niece picked up his phone and was playing with it. He yelled at her and I could tell others familymembers were then having suspicions also.

He kept his phone locked and always deleted surfing history.

I did catch his phone unlocked one time and looked at his tasks app. He had listed all these bizarre tasks. "I love you". "You look great". Etc. these were all specifically things he would say to me. I confronted him and he said he had absolutely no idea how those task items got onto his phone. He gaslighted me and I allowed it happen because I couldn't believe he would be so low as to cheat. I was so numb and dead (lot of foo issues with me because my dad was a serial womanizer and use to take me with him when he met with his girlfriends.)

Suddenly, his "friend" (a former coworker and longtime friend of my husband and acquaintance/friend to me) started appearing in more and more of our life. She had adopted twin boys and hubby suddenly decided he wanted to be their mentor (OW is unmarried but with two kids now). The boys were half chinese/half caucasion, OW is Chinese and hubby would go over to her house and "tutor them" in English. (How could I be SO STUPID!).

Hubby loves to cook so he would make grand meals on Saturday and take half of the food ("leftovers") to work to share with "co-workers".

Hubby years earlier started writing checks to himself each month for incredibly large sums on accounts that he set up in only his name. I asked him about it and he said it was for taxes or some large bill we had and some was for business travel. (Part of my ignorance is we became wealthy by his company going public and I was naive financially so let him take completely over the reins of dealing with the finances. He put pretty much every account we had in his name and I, stupid idiot, let him because I felt inferior, my foo issues). He still takes out $200 a week so I don't trust we're in reconcilliation. He says he needs the money for lunches but he charges or ATMs most of them.

Years earlier, we were out to dinner with my inlaws and he got on the topic of money and chewed me out for taking out $40 a week. I usually only took out $20 but had just recently then took out $40. He accused me of giving it to one of my friends who was having financial troubles. His confrontation was out of line and I knew something was going on but it was years before I was willing to face it.

Anyway, over time he was spending more and more time "tutoring the boys," even buying a Catholic children's bible for them because OW had now designated him their godfather (what a joke!). He threw me off by encouraging me to go to the OW's house with him to tutor and that we could all go out for dinner afterwards but my instincts led me
to say no. OW and her boys went with us to our vacation house on vacation (we often took friends to our vacation home) and hubby had the boys calling his parents "grandma" and "grandpa.". No one said anything to me but I knew the entire family (his siblings and their families), who were there with us, had suspicions.

I stared him right in the eyes and asked him if he was having an affair and looked me right in the eye and
said no way.

I pretty much completely detacted and ignored him for the years this went on but then would get fits of fury in private and research all I had access to and what I could access on his computer. I just couldn't find concrete proof. I found much that made no sense but hubby, being the charmer liar he was (everybody loves what a great guy he is, the life of the party type) , knew what to say to shut me up.

Then, last November, I went onto the computer to do some on-line shopping for Christmas and saw a window was minimized to an email he had sent her that morning saying how very, very much he loved her.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I never thought he would cheat on me and believed him when he said early in our marriage he wouldn't.

But my gut knew:

1. Worked out at home constantly
2. Tanned during the work day
3. Went out almost every night
4. Phone glued to him, constantly texting.
5. Hiding the phone when it charged.
6. Hostility towards me.
7. Attempted sex was a failure.
8. Zero affection towards me.
9. Always calling me Mommy instead of my name or Honey.
10. Stopped wearing his wedding band because it was "too flashy" even though HE picked it out.

and the number one gut feeling...

When I asked him to his face if he was cheating on me,he answered a weak NO and didn't look me in the eye. He should have fought harder with that lie,yet I swept it under the rug.

Found out the truth when she showed up my house and TOLD ME. Ugh. What awful memories.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Wonderingwhy11
Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I had no clue until he came home after drinking with his friend and said he thought we should separate because we didn't have chemistry anymore and other things. I found out how much he was planning to leave and I had no clue. I asked if he met someone else and he said no. I knew he was lying. I started looking for clues. It took a year but I finally find the proof.

Looking back I should have known by his erratic behavior. I thought it was his new job and the stress. I was so stupid. Thought he would never cheat.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 29th (Monday)

It was very interesting reading all of these posts. So many of you mentioned that it was the constant mention of the name of the ow. "SoSadNow"......yes yes yes. It got to where ow's name was interjected into the conversation every 5 minutes, whenever he could he would mention her. Every time he would come home (she lives 2 houses down) he would chat up a storm about how wonderful she was. He was like a giddy school boy who had his first crush. Looking back it was very apparent what was going on. The flags were all waving high in the air.....I just chose to ignore them because I thought he was a better person than he really was.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 8:13 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 29th (Monday)

My FWH used to talk about OW all the time, until after the second confrontation (of three)--he swore up and down that they were, you guessed it, "just friends." After that, he rarely mentioned her name. That made me even MORE suspicious.

Playing along with the "just friends" line, I would ask in a bright and cheerful voice, "How's Just Friend these days? Have you talked to her lately?" I had begun collecting evidence in earnest by then. It was often amusing, what he would tell me vs, what I knew. (Telephone records showed a 2-hour conversation the day before, but he claimed he hadn't talked to her for a week--that kind of thing.)

The third confrontation was not pretty.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
krazy8516
Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 29th (Monday)

The "big" one was the phone. There were a couple of other things before the phone that gave me pause - he started working out a lot (trying to get in shape to put himself back on the market?); a conversation about pizza with a girl he met online (I saw the conversation, but didn't think anything of it until later). But in the end it was the phone that gave him away. He was always playing games on it (Candy Crush, Words With Friends), but he suddenly stopped playing them in my presence. He played them only during extended trips to the bathroom, and not in bed before going to sleep. His mother sent him a text message that made no sense - he wanted my to help him decode it, but insisted on reading it to me rather than handing me the phone so I could read it for myself. The suddenly the phone was face down all the time, whether it was on the desk next to him, or his bedside table charging. He turned off text sounds, but I could still see the blue indicator light. The phone lock that had never been on there in our 2.5 years together. Taking the phone into the shower... I even told him he was acting weird with it. That didn't stop him from placing the phone face-down UNDER his wallet while he went to take a shower. ::sigh:: He seemed to think I was really stupid. Or blind.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Whenever my XSO would start spouting new ideas, I knew there was a new woman. He never read anything himself, but he'd regurgitate these bimbos' ideas as if he'd come up with them himself. He was always flabbergasted that I knew he was screwing someone else. Uh uh uh what gave him away? Dumbo!


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7288 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

"lynnm1947" I am sitting her laughing my ass off. That is exactly what mine would do with the little whore bimbo. Yep, it is exactly what would happen.

I remember once at Christmas time right before they stated up - He came to me and was so excited because he had come up with this great idea of exchanging gifts with all the neighbors. Something of course we had NEVER done. So he gets all giddy and tells me to go over and talk to Whore-a-celly because she was the one putting it all together. And get this......she had already picked the names of everyone. So get this.....she got his name and he got hers. (Now there's a big fucking surprise) Well needless to say the exchanging of gifts never took place. But a couple days later h brings home a tiny little ceramic turtle with a baseball cap on that "she" had given him. He just went on and on about how "she" just had to get it for him because he loved baseball so much. Now if that's not enough to make you run to the toilet right now and puke your fucking guts out then I don't know what is???? The point is that some months later I found out that ow had come up with the exchange idea not my stupid ass lying h.


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

....and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "how do you know I haven't already found someone"? with an almost smug look on his face. (I still thought he was just trying to hurt me because I just knew he would never cheat on me. So I just rolled my eyes at him.

He told me he had cheated and I didn't believe him!!!!

Same here- day before I went into hospital to see if I had breast cancer he tells me he doesn't want to come with me, doesn't even want to be with me and only stays with me incase I'm gonna have cancer (asshole!)and then tells me he's getting his sex elsewhere as we don't have enough.

Cue me in bits on the floor and him saying he only said those nasty things because he wanted to shake me up and stop me from worrying about the cancer!

I guess I knew for sure he was cheating when he shaved his pubes and left the evidence in the toilet!! He only ever did that to groom his manhood ready for sex....and he was going to work so wasn't going to be screwing me now was he?!

And the first time they had a sexual encounter he literally had to scrape the dog's sniffing nose off his crotch area whilst rushing past me (when he came home after work) saying he just had to shower as he'd had a sweaty day! Gees- remembering all this stuff makes me wonder whatever the hell I saw in this asswipe!!

Oh- and the time he didn't come home from a work function all of a sudden stating we'd discussed it and he'd told me he was stopping over(err- you NEVER stop over at social functions!).... that was their first sexual encounter

Something really weird happened that night which confirmed he was cheating but it's so freaky I'm still (even after all this time on here) wary of sharing it on here for fear of being ridiculed or not believed... I need to man up

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 2:30 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

.....I just chose to ignore them because I thought he was a better person than he really was.

I love this line (thanks TICKEDOFF) because it really reinforces for me that as a BS, I wasn't a blind/stupid idiot but had faith in her promises.

It's also amazing how similar our experiences are in many ways.

To join in:

- after seeing a strange name appear as a text on her phone, I asked who it was - "Oh you don't need to worry about him, he's a gay guy I know from London" (it was 4 a.m UK time)

- always shopping, never buying (also asking me if I needed anything from the store but then forgetting)

- suddenly angry, spiteful, mean and "entitled"

- Curious as to why she had to "go to a cafe" to work, I asked if I could sit with her, bring a book etc. She angrily said "well you'll be bored stiff", and then "well, I just won't go", and then a dark dark mood all night.

- phone face down

-phone "angled away" from me as she typed

- surprising: dressed down not up. Funny, I used this as a source of denial thinking that she'd be dressed to the nines if she was really having an A.

- after DD, I caught her trying to set up a text service from her computer, she said it wasn't to communicate with him but for "privacy" when texting her mother WTF?

- phone "ran out of battery and I had no charger " when I was trying to find out where she was, but then forgot and asked me to get her charger out of her car while taking out trash


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Apparently I have NO gut!!

Both times I had NO clue! DUH!! I guess that's why it was so f'n easy for him

First one (very short) he acted like an ass for a few days. Getting ready for a BIG party we were putting on, I made the mistake of asking "what's wrong? want a D?" to which he answered "yes"! Found out who within 2 hrs, from HER fbf, and Skank was at party!

This big one: OMG am I a f'n idiot or what?? We were have MAJOR problems with me, h, and DS. Fighting more days than not, so even tho he was being an ass (again) I was so wrapped up in the family shit, never saw it coming. Even tho I asked numerous times, too, "are you on Classmates?" "is there someone else", all the same questions. He never hid his phone, as we did not have text/data. But when I looked for DS's number, bitchface was listed under a letter, no name. Busted his ass that day in MC!

Now, his actions are saying "I'm a good boy", but I have hit the "I don't give a rat's ass" phase!

Can't even trust my own stupid gut, for damn's sake!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Didn't recognize the signs at the time but these were them:

1. She was super nice to me
2. She was full of energy
3. She was hyper vigilant with her phone
4. She kept unusual hours
5. Always on her computer


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Along with most of you, my WS was infatuated, so I knew something was going on. He'd had multiple crushes before (none progressing to anything--just crossing some lines verbally: "you have a dancer's body"), so I assumed this was more of the same. It amazes me that they think we don't notice twitterpation and know what it means!!! But, yes, if I ever hear him say another woman's name more than once in a week again, I'm outta here. The gushing is disgusting. The saddest part? I always know when my children are crushing on someone because they act just like he does. And instead of being cute, it's a trigger? I wince. :(

The first time they slept together was on a business trip. During texting conversations, I noticed he'd avoided telling me what he'd done one night when I'd asked what his plans were. I actually asked the same question again (must've seemed weird to me because it was out of character for him) and still got no answer. That crushed me. I didn't expect an A, though. Ever. I just thought he was eating out with someone he knew I'd object to (an EA).

Then he left on a 10-day business trip a day earlier than necessary (to catch a connecting flight). No big deal because it was to Hawaii. Why not have an extra day there to sightsee? Except it meant missing his DD's last major performance at school (again, out of character) AND he mentioned "we" when no one else from his workplace was going on this trip. When I questioned him, he acted surprised that I didn't know others were going from different sites.

The other clues were things I noticed, things not normal, but things easily explained away. Like his texting on a long drive home from a family vacation while I drove. He usually drove but there was no reason I couldn't so when he asked . . . Or his coming home from work early after a half-day and having the laundry already going (that particular day is my weekly laundry day) when I got home from work--especially since he only washed HIS underwear and we have a huge washer.

He'd always been intolerant, so that wasn't a behavioral change. He stopped being affectionate, but he'd bombshelled me with an announcement--out of the blue--that he was now an atheist instead of devoutly religious and so we (I thought) were tiptoeing our way around this new normal. I remember a conversation about a couple we know well, from church, who were getting a D. The husband texted her while she was at church that he was leaving, moving in with his secretary, and raising her two sons. He wasn't at church because he'd left religion, too. So I asked my WH, pointblank, if he was planning the same thing (which he was). If he was going to break my heart (because of the atheism claim), I said, he might as well get it all done in one fell swoop. He said that just because he didn't believe in God didn't mean he no longer loved me and our children. I believed him. Silly me.

Sounds like WSes are all the same. And we, because we love them, give them the benefit of the doubt. I never will again. But I understand how BSes, the first time, are so easily duped.

What a club we belong to!!!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

"RippedSoul" .....yup, some kind of great club to be in huh.....full of a lot of hurt people.

What amazes me is the trust we put in them only to find ourselves belonging to this shit of a club.


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

The day I saw a questionable text on his phone and point blank asked him if he was having an affair. He looked straight at me and said "No, I would never do that to you." In that moment, my gut was screaming LIAR, but I chose to believe his lie. I knew, just knew, but refused to live in reality. I have had to work really hard to forgive myself for that. It took four months to pull my head out of the sand.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2011
bob1965
Member
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Stories not adding up.

Asking me is someone from another country would need a passport to visit the USA. I don't know why but that question got me to snooping.


Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3


Who dares, wins


Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I would dream about my H having an affair often. Sad.

For Christmas, my daughter in law gave me a pass to visit a physic/medium. I just about cancelled my appointment. At the end of our session, she looked at me and said, I want you to know that your husband has been cheating on you.

She was right. I approached him and I could see it in his eyes and facial expressions. He denied it. Denied it for awhile. But she was right. He did. I was shocked and yet not surprised.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Topic Posts: 58