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User Topic: Broke up w So. He's not doing well help
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

So I broke up w my SO. We had been having issues about time and effort and if you read my previous post -the fact that he was hesitant about accepting my FB friend request. We broke up a few weeks ago but he keeps texting me stuff like he's lost his best friend, I was the best friend he's ever had, now he has no one, he's so depressed his heart is empty etc. I just found out that his house might be foreclosed on. I am feeling AWFUL. Even with all of our issues, he is the kindest man and most wonderful father. He's asking if I'm sure that I'm done with him. His kids are great and I don't think he's told them yet.
I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do.
I'm sure others have dealt with this before??


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

You feel bad because you are a good hearted person,

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?


Posts: 379 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

He calls you his best friend, but refused to have you as his facebook friend?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Is that a Hoover I hear?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

He said the FB friend thing was a mistake and apologized. Told me to resend it but I didn't.
I feel horrible. He said he's crushed.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Yeah, that's a tornado-sized Hoover for sure.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9665 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

It was a mistake to not add you on facebook? Like, "I've made a terrible mistake" or "Oops, hit the deny button instead of accept"?

Sorry, but once you're broken up, this guy isn't your problem.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't understand why you're dithering over this. You obviously felt it was a big deal that he would not accept your friend request on FB and you gave legitimate reasons for your concerns, especially his comments to you about his fear of what you would post on his FB page. At the very least he was dismissive of you; at the worst, he felt that you would embarrass him.

Now he's sad--poor little muffin. He said the FB thing was a 'mistake' but he's not making this about you--it's all about poor little him. Don't fall for it; he has shown you who he is--believe him.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20159 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know why I'm dithering either. What's wrong with me??


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

Honestly, it seems counter-intuitive, but stepping back and letting him figure out his own ish is the most helpful thing you can do for him. Even though he will fight it.

It's also the most helpful thing you can do for yourself.

Can you block his calls and messages?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Welcome to the crowd of those of us who care too much.

<----ME


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
forced2moveon
Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

And why do you have to resend the facebook friend request????

He could request you as a friend! Wouldn't it be nice if he had made that small step towards you?


Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Even with all of our issues

hesitant about accepting my FB friend request

his house might be foreclosed on

Where would you see it going?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

What about how he treated you? He was afraid of you embarassing him. What does that say? Isn't that actually cruel of him to say about you?

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

You aren't being cruel to him. He is facing the consequences for his choices...as he should.

This.
I get the feeling that because he's having issues in his life (foreclosure, etc), he's using you as a fallback Feel Good. Don't let him.

Crickets.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

It isn't cruel. It's having healthy boundaries. You shouldn't be responding to this stuff; blocking it will prevent you from having to see it and get hurt by it.

Caring too much = codependence. If you haven't read Codependent No More, you absolutely have to.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't know if I can do that. It seems so cruel.

Its not particularly kind to only offer part of yourself, or to sacrifice your happiness for his. If you step in as his emotional caretaker he will expect more from you, he wont work on his issues, and it will be very difficult for both of you to find more fulfilling relationships.

Youve ripped the band-aid off, why hold on to it?


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

It sounds like you need to set your boundaries up for post relationship NC. I really recommend NC at least for 3 months so that you can get out of any co-dependent tendency and refocus on your own life. You cannot help him. He will have to step up and take care of himself. You might say...

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this break up. I need to take some time to work on my own issues and so I will be out of contact. I know things are challenging for you right now but I can't help you with this. I will be out of contact not to be mean, but just because our relationship is over and I have to take care of myself right now."


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Cruel was him telling you that he was worried what you would put on his FB page. You should have dumped him like a hot potato after that.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Omg just read up on codependance. It's soooo me. I've had a lot of relationships that seem to start out fine but them I degrade into this whiny needy person that even I can't stand!!
And yeah. Should've dumped him after the FB thing'


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

@5454
I guess when you put it that way-- nowhere!!
I don't have the money issues he has and I'm not sure what all of his are. It does scare me!


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Do yourself a big favor and go NC. I broke up with someone a few months ago and, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, he was devastated. I felt awful and took his calls and answered his texts to try to help him and explain to him. It felt cruel to not speak to him. Big Mistake. No answer was ever good enough. He just kept trying to convince me why I should take him back. Became stalker-like, showing up at my house. One morning he banged on my door for 30 minutes. When he realized i wasnt coming back he became nasty, calling me names and saying mean things about me. Thankfully, it never became violent or physical. In hindsight, I should have just gone NC.

If you're sure it's over, best thing to do is not talk to him. Kinder to both of you in the long run.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Is that a Hoover I hear?

Sorry can't hear you over the turbo hoover.

I too had a weird fetish for the blatantly OTT love bombing, desperate pathetic ones. It felt good to have some so 'desperate' for me that I didn't even notice I wasn't that into him. Hell, I tried to end things with him many times because he was the shallowest, least interesting person I had ever met. But I sure did like the way he loved me though...

The last guy that I went through this with is now known as the sad clown. I felt sorry for him because he was clearly so desperately in love with me....

Oh he was desperate alright - like a parasite looking for a host.

Run. Don't walk.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisted-after-the-breakup-hold-tight-to-your-self-respect-stop-trying-to-be-friends-with-the-ex-that-mistreated-you/

Thought of you.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Right now he's just telling you what you want to hear. I did this with XSO. I listened and believed and got back together for a month and saw that it was all talk, no action. He didn't start calling me (he only texted and it was hit and miss), he still left me in the dark over half his life...nothing changed at all. Then we went through the break-up thing again...with me feeling bad all over again.

Talk is cheap!


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

His house is about to be foreclosed on and now suddenly he misses you?

Stop talking to him. It's OK to feel pity, but don't let him manipulate you. Do you really want this guy sponging off you when he loses his home?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49476 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I know. I ended up going to ic yesterday for help dealing w the guilt and to put things into perspective. I never would've let him move in if his house was foreclosed on. Would've been really awkward. Guess that tells me something too


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I am not understanding the FB thing.. Why would he not accept you? Is he seeing someone else and he was scared that you would put something on FB about you two?

Sounds fishy to me.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Even though he trying to play mind games with you. Do you feel some relief? I did when I finally ended things with someone who refused to be emotionally available to me. I was sad to be alone, but relieved since a future with him was going to be difficult.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I sent him a friend request and told him I sent it. After about a week of not accepting it I asked him why he hadnt accepted it yet. He said he hadn't been on it (I know it's on his phone) and then said he felt pressured. He said he was very private and nervous ab what I would post. He then said all of his local friends knew we were together anyways and his far away friends he didn't care about. Soooo didn't make sense to me! We ended up fighting about it and I later asked if he would accept if I resent it and he told me to go ahead. As someone else pointed out, he could've requested me!
That's the thing too. He likes to wait for me to make the first move.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Ughhh
Just got home and he had dropped by w flowers while I was at the gym w a card that says I will love you forever no matter what.
Omg the guilt.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

My daughter was here. She really likes him which makes it even more difficult.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Do you know what emotional manipulation is?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9665 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I will love you forever no matter what.
Omg the guilt.

I call bollocks. Hold off on the guilt. If he is sincere in this declaration he should have no issue respecting your space so you can take 3 months of NC to focus on you.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
tiredofit
Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Good points...


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 26th (Friday)

First of all I'd like to say that FakeBook is the BIGGEST pain in the ass to relationships I've ever seen (including mine). And I don't see why so many people use it as a tool to measure their relationships. Frankly I think it's somewhat shallow and insecure in ways.

Obviously there might be some deeper things going on here and I may be a little late to your game here. But there are people out there (I like to think of myself included) that just aren't the type that want to flaunt their relationships publicly on social media sights. Bash me all you want about it but you see many couples fake happiness on that sight. It drives me bananas. I can't tell you how embarrassed I was posting pictures of me and exWW on FakeBook out with friends with her arms around me, etc only to find out two months later she was having an affair. To some people FB is a version of PDA that some people aren't comfortable with. Stop using it as a measure of your relationships. I've had this talk with the gf and told her to accept my feelings about it or leave. I'm just more private like that.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:57 AM, July 26th (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1467 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 26th (Friday)

OMG this guy is a trainwreck. Run. Don't look back.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Lilypad
Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I agree with Sparky. Run! He is manipulating you.

Don't let him get away with it.

He can only make you feel guilty if you let him. Don't give him that power.


You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes. -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 39