Topic: When should you stop talking about the Affair ?
Member # 39902
| Posted: 11:34 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
I am 8 months passed dday. I rarely mention the A. I recently brought it up do to suspicious I have had about them. I don't want to beat him up. But needed to let him know that some things weren't adding up also.
Posts: 79 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 32919
| Posted: 11:38 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
My opinion - you stop talking about the affair when you have all the answers you have and no longer have any interest in knowing more. For me, that time hasn't come yet and we are almost 3 years out. But, instead of talking about it every few days, we are only talking about it every couple of weeks now.
If you need answers, keep asking the questions. Maybe an MC can help you get those answers.
Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
Posts: 547 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 27968
| Posted: 11:47 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
When you're ready to....almost four years out and it rarely comes up now, but if I want to, I bring it up.
Everyone is different but there was a point in all our discussions that the focus started shifting to us instead of them......I guess I had all the information I needed and was ready to move forward.
BS Me 61
WS Him 62
The future looks good....
Posts: 1592 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 38044
| Posted: 11:56 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
No time schedule or rule of thumb from me.
I am 10 months out from DD, and 6 months out from then end of TTing. I still ask questions but the drive to do so has greatly diminished over the past month or so.
Live in and for the moment.
God be with you.
ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.
Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 18429
| Posted: 12:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
5.5 years here, we just talked about it yesterday.
We hardly ever talk about it anymore, but when the need arises, we do. He is still very open and honest about it, he never bristles when I ask him anything, even now.
So I talk about it whenever I need to. Period.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 34478
| Posted: 1:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
You don't. If you want to ask - ask. It is a part of the fabric of your lives now. Your history. Your story. Like it or not, your share it. My hope (and I think I am getting there) talking about it turns into a conversation and reference to the past. Perhaps a reminder.
Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 36555
| Posted: 3:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)|
We don't talk about it at all and it's been 1yr since DDAY. However, once in a while it does come up and we have this hour long discussion about it. Later we realize we shouldn't have placed so much time and emphasis on something that can't be change, but quickly realize we DO need to discuss it and shed new light on it as time goes by things are a bit more 20/20.
BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Member # 38746
| Posted: 1:35 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)|
seven months out and it is almost brought up.daily.....mostly my part--- and usually it is some smart comment and a dig at him. i know we should move on and i need to stop but i am still hurting so much...guess it helps numb the pain. i feel u need to do whatever will help u heal and bring u comfort. for me i wish i could push it out but i can't. hopefully one day soon i can but for now do what feels right to you.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 26893
| Posted: 1:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)|
You talk about that affair whenever you damn well feel like it. Eventually you won't feel like it anymore. That's when you stop. No particular timeline.
BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009
Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 28362
| Posted: 9:06 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)|
As the BS I would say never. There will always be something. A song comes on he changes the station. Maybe you don't say anything but you wonder. In my opinion the WS would like to stop the day they confess.
Posts: 794 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 19505
| Posted: 11:01 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)|
I am now five years out, and four years since my wife finally really seemed to get it and overcame her obsessions. She is in AA, no longer in need of weekly therapy, and doing great. I am as well, although from time to time I still wonder if there were details left out of that long ardous task of purging the horrible past and her EA. I have found that after years of obsession and doubt I rarely think about those hard times anymore. A miracle of sorts since for almost three years that was always first and foremost on my mind and pure agony. I think we stopped talking about it for a couple of reasons. First and foremost I started to feel comfortable again that she was being honest and straight forward with me. She has said over and over she will be doing a living amends to me until she dies. That helps greatly, but does not totally obliterate the questions that never seemed to have a satisfactory answer to give me complete peace of mind. That is where the second factor plays in. I forgave her. That was not a get out of jail free card, but a willingness once I was completely ready to forgive her for mistakes made while under extreme trauma and stress (she has PTSD, is a recovering alchoholic, and was suicidal during that time). Part of that process for me has been realizing snide commments and refusing to let the hurt die were causing the caustic shame she felt and that led to the EA to be an open sore. I had to put my big boy pants on and figure out if I could handle our recovery and accept her claim to have told me everything or continue to wallow in doubt and cause her emotional harm. So over time I let go and have essentially stopped making references to her past indiscretions. That has been healing for her and for me. Of course this can only come about when we as the offended party feel comfortable with moving forward and are fully committed to reconcilliation.
Posts: 299 | Registered: May 2008 | From: east coast
Member # 31240
| Posted: 5:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)|
I'm with m334455.
Gently, the only reason to stop when things don't add up is that you've decided to D. If you still want to R, you've got to get your questions answered. Consider this: if his answers don't add up, he's probably lying, and you can't R with a partner who's lying.
FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.
Posts: 8917 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 38263
| Posted: 7:48 PM, July 25th (Thursday)|
Stop talking when you want.
Start talking again about it if YOU need to.
It's all in your court, based on your needs.
I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???
Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36519
| Posted: 9:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday)|
Interesting that everyone is taking "talking about the A" as asking questions. I rarely ask questions anymore (I've always been on the "I don't want to know the details" end of the spectrum), but we DO talk a lot about the effect of the A on us pretty frequently. We talk about WH's thinking and how it's changing, how he's coming to understand himself more. We talk about me and my feelings, my constantly shifting feelings. And we make reference to it all as a historical event in our lives, and the major changes that have taken place. We're quietly referring to "it" when he asks me how I'm doing, when he reassures me that he really, really loves me.
So I guess I don't think you should ever really stop talking about it. If it's caused major changes in your R, how could you not? Not saying that you need to have it top of mind all of the time, but surely, if you're truly in R, it should be a part of your history that you can refer to without it being a big deal.
BS (me): 49
Married: 25 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1036 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 33867
| Posted: 11:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)|
When should you stop talking about the Affair ?
When you, and only you, decide that you do not want to talk about it.
As for me...I foresee my WH casket being lowered into the ground and me saying, "oh wait, just one more thing ~ explain to me....."
I don't ever expect to stop talking about it and no one will ever make me stop talking about it.
ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 1974 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 39767
| Posted: 11:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday)|
I am about 6 months out from dday and rarely do we talk about the A. But I think about it every day and still look at him sideways on some days.
Tonight I did trigger...posted a thread about it. I am feeling angry tonight, but I dont really have any more questions, more like digs to my husband...and I caused my own trigger by turning on his disconnected cell and reading the messages on there for like the 100th time. I have even looked at those messages in months...dont know why I decided to tonight. Hell, the answers to my questions are in the phone!
My sister, who is a councilor of sorts and the only person irl that I have told of my h A, told me that if I decided to r, then I needed to get it all out, lay it all on the table, and then stop beating him up about it. My nickname is bulldog...and not because I look like a bulldog but because of my aggressive, go get'em nature...I am the queen of hurtful sarcasm (not a crown I wear proudly) and this whole situation had my head spinning. So for me, it is better that I dont keep asking about it, because then I go all bulldog over things we already talked about and end up sad, pissed, frustrated, and hurt...like I tonight after looking at that stupid phone.
I am the BS, his LTA lasted almost 5 years. Ended immediately on dday. In reconciliation.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: DriveMeCrazy
Member # 16024
| Posted: 5:45 AM, July 26th (Friday)|
August will be 6 years from d-day. We will still talk about it on occasion as it relates to a situation.
Yesterday a trust issue came up (not related to cheating) and it was talked about.
The discussions now aren't so much specific questions related to my As, they are more about the overall effect it has had on our lives and situations that present themselves.
It should always be open for discussion, IMO, however either the BS or WS need it to be.
Take up your space (and do it well).
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Posts: 34740 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 28564
| Posted: 6:16 AM, July 26th (Friday)|
I don't think you will ever not talk about the A. I bring it up from time to time. I am comfortable with talking about it now. It is something that happened to me just like anything else in my past. My husband has given me full support in who I talk to about it.
I am not ashamed to admit to anyone what happened. I am actually quite proud of myself for coming through this so well.
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
|Topic Posts: 18|| |