So sorry you are here but if you have been reading for four years then you know that there are a lot of great people here who have been in similar situations and genuinely care.
He says there was nothing he could do about her coming to town for a meeting at work and he didn't tell me on purpose so I wouldn't be upset
Doesn't explain why he met her at Starbuck's. What was his response to WHY he CHOSE to go and meet her?
You don't have to make a decision to stay or go at this point. The financial component plus children are usually the reasons many BS spouses choose to stay and try R.
Regardless, you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected. If you are disabled you would get alimony and child support and perhaps disability from the state. Just something to ponder.
I hope I am wrong but my instinct tells me that it has not been NC for four years.
Define your boundaries. Make WH call OW with you listening or on speaker and finally get the whole truth. Then you can make a plan on how best to proceed.
Strength and hugs...