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User Topic: Insecurities getting in the way?
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

How do you stop yourself from letting your insecurities about yourself get the better of you? I've been with SO for a month and a half now. We're exclusive. His actions match his words. Yet I get insecure at times, for what are seemingly silly reasons. We're friends on Facebook (which is basically how we reconnected after we stopped seeing each other in January), and twice now he's "liked" photos of other women. Not commented, just "liked" them. And I triggered. I didn't tell him, nor do I want to, because I feel like it's my issue to deal with at the moment.

We met each other's children this past weekend and we had a great time. I felt comfortable letting him into J's life at this point because I've known him since October, and honestly it's like we had never spent any time apart.

We see each other several times a week, and always make plans for the next time when we're together. He's going back to school in the fall and told me what his available days are going to be (not much of a variation on our current "schedule" if you will), so to me that means he sees me sticking around for a while.

This weekend, he left his phone at home one day because "all the people he cared to talk to were with him" which made me squee. LOL

We talk throughout the day - either on the phone or through texting.

I'm happy with him. He makes me smile and makes me think. I can see something building here, and I don't want to let my insecurities get the better of me.

So why am I insecure? Because I triggered? When am I going to stop being insecure?


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
spentchange
New Member
Member # 27855
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Keep walking on the path. You describe clarity and a positive vibe. There is nothing wrong to ask a question about 'like' a womans photo. Does he know her, have a reason beyond physical? I think wondering why these women were worth the like is more about getting to know a person. If it is based on strictly beauty, then this seems to be antrigger that will continue and I hope you deal with.

In any case, I am a ball of insecurity hoping for someone to like me instead of focusing on if I like this person. I keep trying to remind myself to hold firm to my own ego and not try and controls others. Hard to do.

Best of luck and may you have many more blissful moments with your SO.


DDay 2.28.10
Married 21 yrs
3 kids: 20, 14, 14
Separated 5 years

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2010
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Are we talking about "liking" her busty bathroom pics, or "liking" a vacation photo of a great view?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13572 | Registered: Jul 2011
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

One woman's pic was in a bathing suit. Another one was in a dress. Neither one were bathroom shots.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I'd personally be uncomfortable with that, if he's "liking" their looks. It's the e-equivalent to blatantly checking out other women in front of you. Yeah, we all notice attractive people, but you stay respectful and private about it, not oogle.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13572 | Registered: Jul 2011
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

But do I make an issue out of it now or just leave it alone and see if it continues? I'm not really sure how to address it without seeming like a stalker either.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Best of luck and may you have many more blissful moments with your SO.

Thank you


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

lostmommy, I am in no way an expert on dating/relationships, nor am I currently dating anyone so please keep that in mind.

I couldn't help but notice that your tag line states you were divorced in April of this year. It's now the end of July - 3 months later. Are you sure you're ready for this? Maybe these insecurities are your body's way of saying "whoa there missy, slow dowwwwwnnnnn."

It seems to me that so many of us who have dealt with cheating ex-husbands need a lot of time to heal. I know for myself, I needed IC as well. My divorce was granted in 2012, I still don't think I'm ready to hit the dating pool yet; I still have too many insecurities, but slowly, I'm working through them. Someday soon, I to be confident enough in myself to enter into a relationship and be a healthy, trusting participant in it.

That's just my 2 cents' worth.

Good luck.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I couldn't help but notice that your tag line states you were divorced in April of this year. It's now the end of July - 3 months later. Are you sure you're ready for this? Maybe these insecurities are your body's way of saying "whoa there missy, slow dowwwwwnnnnn."

I can see why you'd say that, but my marriage ended the day he left which was 8/27/11, so it'll be two years next month. The divorce being granted in April was really just a formality.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry lostmommy, my bad. Thank you for clearing that up!

Well then, in light of that info, I would have to say that I too would be uncomfortable with any SO "liking" the photos. You're definitely not alone in that! Knowing me, I'd say something in passing, just to let him know I wasn't okay with it.

(Again, I want to reiterate that I am NOT currently dating.)

Geez, like dating wasn't difficult enough in the good old days, now we have this FB/social networking crap to deal with on top of it.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Good luck.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

But do I make an issue out of it now or just leave it alone and see if it continues? I'm not really sure how to address it without seeming like a stalker either.

Sorry, I don't have a good answer for this.

I was just trying to communicate that this isn't you being overly insecure; it's him having boundaries I personally wouldn't be willing to date.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13572 | Registered: Jul 2011
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

No worries, Exposed!

I think I'm going to let it go for now. I feel like if I comment on it at this point, it's going to be based on my personal insecurities. My gut is telling me that everything is ok, and my gut hasn't been wrong before. I don't really feel that it's a boundary violation because it's not something that we've talked about. If it continues to happen, I'm going to bring it up. So far his actions match his words, and I don't want to create an unnecessary issue at this point.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 12