Wayward Side
User Topic: seeing AP at work
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Thank you to all of you who have offered me your input and advice. Although a lot of it is hard to hear I appreciate the feedback and support.

My first reaction after reading some comments was to run away with my tail between my legs, but I realize that will solve nothing. It's time to be an adult and deal with my actions.

That being said, I have revisited the healing library and reread the questions from WS. In it there is a question about working with the AP and how to make it work. While it does say working with the AP is more difficult and it would be ideal to find a new job, it doesn't say it's impossible. It still seems like I am able to keep NC with AP even if I see him at work...

So my question I guess is why does everyone think I need to find a new job....I feel like I have gone NC with the AP and am doing what I need to do to R with my BH.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I don't see a stop sign, so I'll chime in.

My WH works with AP. He is adamant that they are now "business only" and acting very professional. After d-day they both immediately decided they wanted to save their marriages and they made rules for their contact at work.

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that, it's still early for me), but I know that this will never happen while I send him off to go see her every day.

Granted, taking her out of the equation doesn't mean he won't just go and cheat again with someone else, but having her there is a major threat to me. Both of their lives now suck at home, living in the hell of the after-math. All I can think of is what a nice soft place she would be for him to land right now, and vice versa. It's just too easy for them to continue. They both wanted it before, how long until they both want it again.

It's not going to be easy for WH to find a new job, and I will give it a bit of time, but ultimately, if he wants this marriage to work he will need to quit.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that, it's still early for me), but I know that this will never happen while I send him off to go see her every day.

This is not my situation, but I agree with OC's reply to your post. This would be intolerable and completely unacceptable. NC and seeing each other every work day are not compatible IMO. I don't see how the BS could ever draw an easy breath, much less have peace of mind. But if you and your BS feel that you have no other option, then I wish you the best.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 36918
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)


Just to clarify a few things (please amend if incorrect):

1. OM is not a coworker. He picks up/drops off his child at the daycare where you work, the same one you have your daughter in. So he's not someone you work with, but you do see him everyday.

2. Your BH and you have decided not to tell OM's BW and your BH has specifically said he doesn't want you to leave your job because neither of you want your daughter to go through any more changes in her life, and it would cost money for you to find another job and put her in another daycare.

My questions are:
- How the hell do you cope with seeing OM and seeing OM's BW every/other day? I just can't comprehend this. How are YOU ok with this? Knowing that interacting with this weak excuse for a man culminated in betrayal of yourself and your BH?
- In another post you said 'hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....' - how did you hear this? Did OM tell you?
- Do you tell your BH about every single time you and OM talk?

Note. Both the OMs in my As are in another city, where BBF and I spent almost six years and have a lot of friends there still. Since the As I have been back there once by myself, and I was ridiculously anxious about potentially seeing OM#2. Since then, I decided that there's no reason for me to go back to that city by myself and even take that risk of possible interaction.

WGF 27 | BBF 28 | in CC and in hope for R | 7 years
OM#1 EA, PA 2010 | OM#2 EA, PA (3x) 2011 | D-Day#1 2011, false R, D-Day #2 25/09/12
'Piglet was so excited at the idea of being Useful that he forgot to be frightened anymore.'

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: UK
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Yes you are correct about both things.

I am coping with seeing OM and his BW every is hard and I would rather not do it...I try to be out of the classroom when he is there and avoid him as much as I can.

I have heard about OM' s new house and potential baby from his wife and son son and my boss...he has not told me himself.

My BH has asked me a few times about OM and when I have seen him....each time I have told him the truth

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

So my question I guess is why does everyone think I need to find a new job....I feel like I have gone NC with the AP and am doing what I need to do to R with my BH.

I am a BH whose STBXWW had a 3 yr LTA with a married coworker. I honestly don't understand your reluctance to find anew job. I am not trying to be mean at all, the sentence above reads to me like you still possibly don't get it. At a minimum you don't seem to be able to put yourself in your BH's shoes and this seems to still be all about you and you not wanting to find another job for whatever reason. The part in the sentence you just typed that stood out is "I feel like I have gone NC with the AP." You may feel that way and may in fact have gone NC with him but to a BS that has to watch their spouse walk out the door everyday into the same building spending 8 or more hours with the AP can be maddening. Even fi you don't see him all day or see him for 1 minute every other day it's 1 minute every other day to long for the BS. It's not about what YOU think or know. From your BH's perspective it's what he believes or wonders about your interactions. You can say you are NC all you want but to the BS whose WS had an A with a coworker the refusal to find a new job is sometimes and I would even say often seen as you choosing the AP everyday over them. At least that's how I felt and it likely wasn't even true. But in my mind my WW walked out the door everyday, even if she was miserable to the place where OM was and had access to her. You can detach all you want but seeing the AP everyday is still a form of contact. If you don't absolutely have to keep the job then finding another one is a big step in the direction of showing your BH that you are serious about NC and working on R. It's also a big step in you actually going NC sinc eyou actually can truly be NC then. The reluctance to find another job or even seriuosly look is seen as another slap in the face to some BS's.

The reality is every time you see him IS contact whether you speak to him or not. It's your decision and if you have decent job prospects elsewhere and truly want to have a chance to save your M then quitting your job will go along way towards showing that you are serious about NC and trying to R.

It's your choice and I wish you the best. Keep posting and digging but you aren't truly NC if you still see your OM at work everyday. IMO R and establishing trust again is much tougher when you still work with or see your AP on a frequent basis. Your BH will ALWAYS wonder if you are truly NC or not and he has NO way to verify that but your word.

ETA: I wanted to add I don't know your situation so my comments are just from my perspective. Your BH may say he is okay with it but don't expect that to always be the case.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:06 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

FWW & OM were "let go" from where they worked together, prior to dday. Since FWW has been working through her issues she avoids OM at all costs now. She would be embarrassed and ashamed by any contact with OM, and will not apply for jobs where she might have contact with OM if he is associated with the business. She cannot imagine working somewhere and seeing one of them and remembering what she did with them. Not just the sex, but the whole relationship. She has also quit membership in service clubs where she might run into OM.

For her (and me) NC is not thinking about them, not wondering how they are doing, not being mad if something good happens to OP nor being happy if something bad happens. It is having them out of our lives.

Yes, this has and continues to hurt us financially as she has taken a significant paycut and been unemployed for about a third of the time since dday.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)


Forgive me if I've missed it...but how does your H feel about you working in the same area as the OP?

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198316 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

One of you need to find a new day care. You or the OM.


You can find a job at another daycare. The most important thing would be that your daughter would be with you. She is four. If she is with you at a new daycare then she would acclimate pretty quickly. Kids are resilient.

You aren't having NC because you physically see him. Even if you don't converse there is interaction. Eye contact, physical presence, etc. It is not true NC.

If you truly want your BH to feel like he, your marriage and your family is the most important thing in your life then find a new job. It is that simple. Put his and your family's needs before your job. What is more important?

You are trying to justify staying in a job where you have contact with the OM. This is cruel to your husband.

He will never full trust that a spark isn't going to reignite. The mind movies that must go through his mind every time you go to work.

It is like a survivor of 911 having to go into a burning high rise everyday. Torture.

You are hurt because you have to hear about the OM's new home and possible new baby? You wouldn't have to hear that if you weren't working there. Think about it. You truly are playing with fire and ruining any chance at reconciling with your BH.

Put his needs before your own. You said it is time to be an adult and deal with your actions. I agree. Quit your job.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I'm sorry; thought I was in general. Removing my too-strident post.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)


If it were me, it would make me feel more safe and secure if I knew my WS never saw the AP face to face again. I know your interactions are limited, but it sounds from some of your other posts that you want to save your marriage.

When I've asked my WS to fight for our marriage, this is the kind of thing I mean. Even if your BH says he is ok with it...if you found another job and removed that situation from your lives it would send a HUGE signal to him that you are serious about saving your Marriage.

If you are serious about saving your marriage...don't look to the Healing Library for approval. I think you know deep down that this is wrong. If the roles were reversed it would KILL you every single time you knew that your BH and his former lover saw each other. Even if no words are exchanged...I see it as an obstacle to your Reconciliation. Why don't you? From your posts it seems like this is something you are struggling to understand. It might be this skewed thinking that got you into the A in the first place. I hope I"m not coming off too judgmental.

Best of luck..and I applaud all WS' who are on this site asking these questions.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Frank Reynolds, LCSW, says that one person is always more invested in the affair than the other. He encourages NC of any kind and warns that the more invested one may show up at any time, even years later, to gently pursue or attempt some contact, with the less invested one. I believe this and remaing in the same working environment is prolonging the agoning of the NC and interfering with the R.

It seems almost impossible to remove any feelings, positive or negative, from the OP if any contact is made, business or not. It's like trying to stop eating sweets and keeping them in your kitchen cabinets(tempting/reminding) you they are available.

I know that WSO would have continued to be confused had he not agreed and eventually believed that NC was the right decision for everyone. It was very difficult for him to be the bad guy, cut it off with OW completely - he eventually realized it benefitted everyone. She no longer worked with him but found ways or reasons to drop in with leaflets, anything to make some kind of contact.

It's painfully clear to the BS/BSO if/when the WS/WSO is truly committed to R. I respect your BH's assertion that you don't need to change jobs. IMO he's navigating his way through this damage, treading lightly, understandably so. He will process this his way. Your contributions and sacrifices will go a long way if you initiate them because of your commitment to changing you and doing what is best for your M.

each time I have told him the truth

That's the right thing to do. Just because he has not asked more of you does not mean you can't do more for him and your M. IMO, NC of any kind is the foundation as well as the imperative for starting the engines to R.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
Mrs Panda
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Why are you so resistant to this? Are you afraid to find a new job? Is this A dream job? Are there no other suitably amazing places your daughter can get care? You are too destitute?

I think you need to do this for YOU. Eveytime you see the AP is a trigger. It keeps you chained to that Alyssamd.

Your inertia is infuriating. Stop go in circles. Move forward.

What is the real why that you stay? II don't think it is because of your daughter. It is daycare, so get spme perspective. Maybe you are afraid to leave. Maybe too lazy to apply fpr other jobs. Maybe you want to prove somehow you can stick it out despite the AP.

You only hurt you. Hugs .

Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Honestly. I think I am afraid.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I hope it's ok if I respond--don't see a stop sign.

My WH works in the same building with OW. They used to sit next to each other, but since I found out, he got himself transferred to a different part of the building. He is adamant that they hardly ever run into each other, & that he ignores her/acts cold when he does.
WH only has a few years until retirement, does a very specialized job, & it would be difficult to find a comparable job at the same salary. I also work, but WH brings in more $ than I do, & we have 4 kids. For these reasons, I have not outed him at work, I have kept his secret.

While that is all fine and good, the key to ME moving forward with R is that I need to feel 100% safe again (I'm no where near that)

we are 2 yrs 2 1/2 mos post Dday.
I still have a problem with it, knowing she is there.
I know that this will never happen while I send him off to possibly see her every day.

Granted, taking her out of the equation doesn't mean he won't just go and cheat again with someone else, but having her there is a major threat to me.

I think this is one of the main reasons that I have not "gotten over it" yet. How do we move on with our lives if she is still there?

Just wanted to give you a BW's perspective.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Alyssa- afraid of...? What, exactly?

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I have posted in the past that you need to find a new job. I'm a BW and I would have massive anxiety if my FWH was seeing his AP on a daily or even weekly basis.

My advice has been to look for a job, see if you can get an interview, and then tell your BH and see what his reaction is. Make it so he doesn't have to force you into finding a new job and see what his reaction is.

OR, sit him down and have a serious discussion about you finding another job. Tell him you think it's what's needed. Again, I just wonder if YOU put it out there, if that will show him what you are willing to do to Reconcile.

The way you are living is not healthy for your daughter. Her going to another daycare, at her age, will not be as traumatic as you think. Kids that age make new frends pretty quickly.

But from what you've posted, your BH still seems very angry. So I just wonder if this would be the olive branch he needs to see you are remorseful and want to fix things and that's why I have suggested it.

Good Luck.

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Does your boss or any coworkers know what happened?

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37406 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
New Member
Member # 39821
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I can't tell you how similar my story is to yours. Fortunately, the OP is moving his kids to another center. PTL. I was going to leave if he didn't. There are so many good daycares out there, to work at and to have your daughter attend. Don't let a JOB add to the demise of your marriage.

I am thrilled that one day soon I will be able to walk through my center and not have to worry at pick up our drop off time because of OM. Don't you want the same?

[This message edited by regrettingitall at 4:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

FWS me 24
BS him 25
Dday - 5/27/2013

Currently struggling to keep our lives from spinning out of control.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I wanted to chime in because my AP was a coworker and I still work there, as does he...and as does my XBH. The AP does a different job classification and we see him very rarely, have to interact with him even less. However...this does mean that I am not "technically" NC. 99% of the year I am, but on those one or two occasions per year that contact is unavoidable, I have that contact in order to do my job. And believe me when I say, when it occurs, it is unavoidable.

I have reached a point of such indifference that seeing him doesn't matter. As for XH, I'm sure he would love to smash AP's face in, but his integrity and work ethic and his own feelings along the lines of indifference cause him to not attempt it.

I asked my XH after D-day, nearly 3 1/2 years ago, if it would help him if I were to quit. He said no, so I didn't---if I were about to be single, I needed a job, ya know? And as it turns out, NOT quitting was the way to go.

- if I had quit my job, XH and I probably would never have reconciled (because we probably would never have seen each other again---he approached me about R at work )

- I was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition a year after D-day and I would have been s-c-r-e-w-e-d without my health insurance

- I wouldn't be making the income I am and would never have been able to pull myself up by my financial bootstraps to the extent I have been able to, which has all sorts of positive benefits beyond the physical $$$: increased self-esteem and self-worth, the knowledge that I don't have to rely on anyone but ME to "take care of me" (as I used to think ), etc.

It is what is working for us. Not all situations are alike, and they all have their own variables and pros/cons to consider.

I totally understand your being afraid to quit. I've been with my company 8 1/2 years, which isn't a long time by some standards but it's the longest job I've ever had and the most stable. Add to that the fact that after I was divorced, it was basically the only "constant" I had left in my life at that time; the only thing that remained the same after I had blown up the rest of my world. Having to deal with more change on top of what I had already dealt myself would have been terrifying. And, as I said, it would have f-ed me financially, and I couldn't have done that.

But you and your BH need to do what's best for your family.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I have asked my BH a few times if he would like me to quit my job, and if that would help. His response every time has been no....also he added that he would worry if I had a new job I would have "fresh meat". He said he prefers I stay where I am cuz he knows the center and knows knows who is there, and also he thinks it's best for our daughter.

Wifehad 5,
My boss doesn't know what happened but two coworkers do.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you for sharing your story. my goal is to get to the indifferent place when I see my AP, and I am almost there.

And the reasons you said you were afraid are the same reasons I am. I work at a fantastic place with awesome people and enjoy my job. With every thing else going on in my life right now I don't think I can handle any more changes

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I still work with my AP. Although I am on mat leave right now so I think that is helping my husband and I with our healing process.

When I go back to work I will be working with him again. We don't work directly together, we do totally different things and don't see each other that often.

It wouldn't be financially feasible for me to quit my job right now as much as I would love to. I am looking at going back to school so that when I do go back to work, I won't have to work nearly as much and will be working towards getting away from that place. So I am looking forward to that.

But it is a difficult thing to still be working with him. My husband has told me that I eventually need to find a new job and I already told him I would.

I have gone NC with him as well. But still seeing him is bothersome.

You may have gone NC with your AP, but your spouse may not feel safe with you going to that job every day and still being able to see your AP. I know that it is hard on my husband.

Whenever I see my AP though, or the times that I have had to interact with him for work purposes, I tell my husband as soon as it happens. It makes my husband feel a little bit better and puts a tiny bit of trust back into the relationship.

So maybe whenever you have to have any kind of interaction with your AP, tell your spouse about it. Don't hold anything back.

BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I think the most important thing you can do is whatever your BH wants you to do.

If he wants you to stay in that job, then stay, but do all you can to stay away from the FOM and his BW.

I would also do maybe a monthly check in with your BH: "Are you still ok with me at my job?"

Honestly though, it wouldn't hurt for you to look for new employment----you don't have to accept any offers, but you can have your eyes open for new job opportunites.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
New Member
Member # 39705
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

For me, the truth is, if someone wants to change they may do regardless, even if the AP is in the office and if someone doesn't, they;\'ll still continue their affair even when they find a new job and find new ways maybe with someone new.
So it is more imp. to make sure whether you are decided from within.
Ofcourse, pushing AP completely out of sight is really geat help but just think, removing external temptation is of no use unless you fight it internally. where there is a will, there is a way. Temptation may come in form of any other woman in another office so change from within.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: all seems unreal
Topic Posts: 25