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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: how does the universe let them be so happy?
Feeling Consumed
Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I just don't get it, not at all - I don't think I ever will. I don't understand how ex-ahole and his whore seem to be having such a great life and I am sitting here after 2-1/2 years still having a hard time - definitely not a happy go lucky life like they seem to be having. How can bad people do such bad things and the universe almost rewards them with good things and happiness. Why is there no balance? There is no karma, there is no universal energy, there is just shitty things that happen to good people and great things happening to absolute assholes. Why can't I get that in my head that is the way things are?

Is his life truly better without me in it? It seems so, at least for now, even over 2-1/2 years later he still seems happy. I feel crushed right now because I actually am thinking that his life is better without me. What a huge reality pill to swallow. I'm going to have to do extra self-esteem exercises to get over that one.

Have I been in denial all these years thinking that he was truly going to be miserable once he got out of his fog and realized what a great wife he left behind? Why did I believe with my whole heart that karma was going to find them and teach them a lesson? Why can't I accept the fact that he moved on and is obviously happier than a pig in shit (literally) and I am effing stuck.

I don't know how to get unstuck. I do everything I am supposed to do. I see an IC, I go out with friends, I enroll in fun classes, I'm even on online dating (winks from old men only). I do everything I am supposed to do to help me get happy, but yet it just seems to not be working. Then when I hear stories of how happy they are, well it just sets me back a whole helluva lot.

I just can't stop thinking that he actually is happier with her - they have stood the test of time and they seem to still be doing okay.

I'm just feeling so hollow.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)


..first,.. karma doesn't always arrive when and how we'd like it..

..but it eventually arrives, take my word for it!!!!!

..life just isn't ALWAYS fair.. i've learned at least that, on this long journey..

..focus on you, not them.

..make all the positives in your life count for you.. take charge of creating your own happiness.. make it you top goal, first priority..

settle for nothing but the best case scenario as an outcome.

..believe in yourself.. your life, make it count!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Feeling Consumed, just ((())) for you. I could have written your post; there are days I feel so beaten down because he is moving on with her, building the life we had hoped for and he is making my DDs part of it all.

I have moved on with a man who truly loves me and I love him. But it will never be the same, it will never have the meaning it had with XH.

Somanyyears has great advice, nothing to add.

Please know you are heard and understood. Hugs!!!


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You're measuring your inside feelings by their outside view.

"Seems" is the operative word here. My M "seemed" great - everyone always told me what a great husband I had. He cooked, did the grocery shopping and was soooooo involved with the kids (yeah right, in public...). Truth is he did cook and do the shopping but boy was there a tax on his good deeds.

smy is absolutely right. Stop focussing on them. Stop measuring yourself on them. You know what he is.

He knew how great you were when he cheated. He didn't cheat because there was something wrong with you - he cheated because there is something wrong with him.

The sad clown will never be alone. He will ALWAYS have a partner. Not because he is happy or fantastic - but because he is a parasite who always needs a host.

I sure am glad I am not that host any more. The fucker almost bled me dry and I let him.

I could be someone else's host too - anytime I like. The thing is I don't want to be. You don't either.

Keep the focus on you. Find your happiness. I promise you you will never find it in his misery. Never.

ETA, I thought you might find these articles interesting: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:36 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5419 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Feeling Consumed
Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you all so much, what you said is really helpful. I know I should do all the stuff that you all said, and I probably will maybe tomorrow, but for right now, I just can't seem to shake this feeling that he may actually be better off without me, like I was an anchor around his neck. I don't know what I did to be an anchor, but if it wasn't me, then why is he doing the things with her that I used to beg him to do with me? He's living the life now that I wanted for us but he never would. Example, every time I wanted to have friends over it was always he didn't want to, but now he is having parties at their new house they bought together. He seems happy. How can I be so sad and he is so happy?

I guess with time he may start telling her he doesn't want friends over and then it will be at the same point we were at, but for right now, it just hurts bad - really bad. I feel like I took a major backward slide and I am so tired of trying to climb up that hill. I'm exhausted after 2-1/2 years of trying to move forward but feel like I've only gone a few feet and those few feet took everything ounce of energy I had in.

I wish I had the self discipline to stop these mind movies and thoughts but it's like all these bad thoughts are water flooding a boat and I can't seem to bail quick enough to keep them out. I just wish to hell I could figure out a way to find the inner strength and energy to put this all behind me and not care anymore.

Thanks everyone.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Strongbutbroken is dead on. Why do you assume they are so happy?

My ex and the OW, now married, are over the top with PDA in front of me. They cannot be at a soccer game, school function, etc without holding hands, kissing, rubbing each other's backs, etc, etc. My understanding from other people (I haven't looked in over a year) is that their social media is all rainbows and unicorns. It seems like they are SO happy, right? Where's the karma?

Except.

My children tell me that their Dad is angry and yells all the time (he NEVER was a yeller when we were married. He was good cop, I was bad cop).

They complain that their Dad is always "working on his computer" and ask why he doesn't spend time with them like their stepdad.

He still sends me angry, ranting e-mails every 1-2 months (I do not engage). "Happy" people don't rant and rave.

Mutual friends of friends (the OW was my best friend) tell me that all is not well in paradise.

I share that with you so that you can try to reframe your perception that they are "so happy". They want you to believe that they are happy. They HAVE to pretend they are happy, otherwise all the pain they caused was for nothing.

I know it is so hard, but try to stop thinking about their life. Make your life the best it can be. Eventually, you won't care if they are actually happy or not (I'm only 3 years out from it all but with the exception of a rare bad day, I don't even CARE if they are happy or unhappy now).

Hang in there.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jun 2010
Hurt4Ever
Member
Member # 167
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Feeling Consumed, your post really struck a chord in my heart. It's been 13 years since my husband walked out to be with the other woman. Still, I am alone. I have a steady job and a nice duplex....and I'm living across the state from them in the same town in which our grown daughters live. I don't have to run into XH and wifetress all the time, which is good.
However, I had to tolerate being in the same house with them for a couple of hours last week at a birthday party for one of our grandkids. It was torture.
They were obviously happy. Not in the fake "let's put on a show" way, I could tell. Her easy way with my daughters....the way MY grandchildren called her "grandma" and played with her. My ex-in laws, who were like my own parents for nearly 30 years are obviously close with her--the laughing...the telling of stories. It killed me.
I tried very hard to keep a smile on my face, but I finally went home with a sick headache. Ugh.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Missouri
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

(((feelingconsumed)))

(((hurt4ever)))

how bout a good ole f*** them??


Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Is his life truly better without me in it?
The real question is how is YOUR life better without him in it. The posters before me are right. If you still focus on them then you aren't truly focusing on you and speaking from experience that is part of the reason that you feel stuck. Sure things seem tough but focusing on what he is or is not doing means you truly aren't focusing on you. Karma may or may not happen, you may or may not be there to see the bus make the stop.

What you can see and are around for is how your future unfolds from this point forward. Even if times are tough, guess what, you are no longer in a relationship with a lying cheating asshole. You made it out and your destiny is yrou own again. Tt's no longer tied to him, you just have to allow yourself to realize that. Things seem tough now but you could still be married to him...


they have stood the test of time and they seem to still be doing okay
The reality is YOU stood the test of time, YOU made it out, and YOU are okay. You just have to realize that and allow yourself to move on. You may not be where you want to be but there is nothing stopping you from getting there. Sometimes it takes awhile to truly let go but keep doing what you have for yourself and focus on you and it will happen. Many of us have done it, come on over here and join us.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1821 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Here is what I have come to...

Those waywards who really broken, they will go on and be happy with their life because they do not have the ability to feel empathy and guilt/shame over what they have done.

I think that is the case with my WH. He has never really expressed any real guilt/shame/empathy about the things he did and said. He moved out and life has gone on for him and he is able to be quite happy. I believe he is dating and I believe he will find someone and be quite happy with them. He won't have the kids to deal with (which were the majority of our fights, because he is a shitty father) and he'll have his time to go gallavanting and doing whatever he wants. He just does not care. Nothing every really seems to get himm down. He just picks up and goes on like nothing ever happened. They just live in their own little bubble and that's that.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I knew a woman once, XWH's aunt, who got a D when her kids where in high school because her husband had an A.

For years she was an unhappy person. Every time I saw her she mentioned the D and her X, even many years later. She lived the rest of her life in misery and made her children and grandchildren miserable as well. It was so sad.

Had she focused on herself and her own happiness and let go of the injustice of what happened, she could have had such a wonderful life. She died alone and miserable.

I made a promise to myself not to follow in her footsteps. My XWH's happiness or lack thereof do not concern me unless it somehow adversely affects my children and grandchildren. Even then, there is nothing I can do.

I have to tell you that 8 years post-D, I'm having the time of my life. Did my life turn out the way I planned? No. But I decided to make it the best it can possibly be. I don't have a lot of money, or material things, but I have the love of family and close friends. And the biggest plus is that I can look at myself in the mirror and love the person looking back at me.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7644 | Registered: Aug 2005
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

However you are finding out about their activities, STOP IT!!

My guess is he learned that refusing to have friends over, etc., is a recipe for a bad relationship, so he's changing his tune a bit.

I would also bet they both enjoy affair partners on the side...

Don't compare yourself to them. Even if you spray paint a pile of shit with gold glittery crap, it's still a pile of shit underneath..

Keep up your awesome activities and do some things that make you proud of yourself. Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Is his life truly better without me in it? It seems so, at least for now, even over 2-1/2 years later he still seems happy. I feel crushed right now because I actually am thinking that his life is better without me. What a huge reality pill to swallow. I'm going to have to do extra self-esteem exercises to get over that one.


So what if it is? It really doesn't matter. YOU matter. Is YOUR life better without him? Would you rather have him back knowing he is unremorseful and you would spend your life babysitting and adult?

Really, Feeling, I swear, you are worth so much more than YOU give you credit for. If he is happy or not be happy for him. He got what he "wanted" and you have a chance to become more than you were with him. That is a pretty amazing opportunity


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1676 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Feeling Consumed
Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I know I need to not worry about them. I really have to work on it. I just don't know how to make it stop sometimes when I hear stories. I hear the stories through my son. He is not trying to upset me, he is just telling me what he did with his dad and stuff comes out, then I lose it. I am definitely a work in progress and all of your comments and advice have really helped me. I felt so much more calm after reading all your posts. I blew a cork last night and I knew my SI family would be there to help me through it. Thank you all so much. I hope next time I post it is a positive post. I am so tired of my negative vents. Thank you all for being there to listen though.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I get what you are saying.

I hear all this happy happy stuff and I see all the smiles, etc.

BUT would you believe the OW went to lunch with someone I know recently? OW doesn't know I know her. OW told this lady that she is miserable! She is trapped because she has come to realize she doesn't love my WH, she thinks he is the stupidest person she ever met, but she hurriedly moved out of her home and can't go back. AND she is sleeping with another man on the side.

So,,,when I found this out, I was really happy. And sometimes I think how stupid he really is...to throw us away for a tramp.

But I now realize it doesn't change anything and somedays I feel like you do. Unbelieveable that they are still together. It's because we are real.

It shows how screwed up they are that they can hurt their children like this.

So, some ideas which really help me? I get out of town to visit friends when I am at my lowest. After about 3 days I am back to my happy self- the self before I became involved with the idiot XWH.

I think if I had a great guy it would definately help my attitude!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1967 | Registered: Jan 2012
Feeling Consumed
Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I DEFINITELY could use a great guy too! That has also brought me down - the fact that it has been over 2-1/2 years and I haven't had one single solitary date. I signed up for online dating and didn't hear from anyone for the longest time, then I got a wink, but it was from a 75 year old guy! Seriously! That sure is a self-esteem zapper!

I know everyone says to be happy by myself, but I was by myself for a long time before I got married (didn't marry till 31). I had "my time", so I was ready to settle down with a lifelong mate - boy got that one wrong! I do enjoy being by myself, but I would like to have a mate too.

Taking a trip certainly would help me now. Unfortunately work is in the way!


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I DEFINITELY could use a great guy too! That has also brought me down - the fact that it has been over 2-1/2 years and I haven't had one single solitary date. I signed up for online dating and didn't hear from anyone for the longest time, then I got a wink, but it was from a 75 year old guy! Seriously! That sure is a self-esteem zapper!

We say it (and see it) so often here, but if you want to attract a great guy, you need to work through all of this and become a great, healthy, whole, sane person on your own. If not, only non-great guys will be attracted to you. I have experienced this personally. (replete with old guys asking me out.) I took some time off from dating, got to where I wanted to be, and recently found a great guy.

There is so much more to life than having a romantic partner. Once you truly believe that, and have made your life great, is when you tend to find that partner :) I know he's out there for you, and you'll find him once you've healed more.

Do you exercise at all? It's one of the best ways to work through some of this stuff.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
sarkanda
Member
Member # 4028
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Feeling, everyone has given you great advice on this thread.

I doubt that he is as happy as it appears. I have often thought the same thing about my ex, and tonight after looking at this thread, I happened to notice that he is still in touch with a woman he was screwing around with when I was married to him. She follows him on every site he is on, and vice versa. They rarely change, and you can pretty much assume he will cheat on this woman as well.

Believe me, I do know how you feel. I've been through the same thing. I just try to remind myself how tough it really


When people reveal themselves to you, believe them!
-Dr. Maya Angelou


Divorced: 7/31/07
husband:53 yr old sociopath according to his shrink.
me:54
Married nearly 31 years. Together 33


Posts: 613 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: NC now PA
sarkanda
Member
Member # 4028
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Feeling, everyone has given you great advice on this thread.

I doubt that he is as happy as it appears. I have often thought the same thing about my ex, and tonight after looking at this thread, I happened to notice that he is still in touch with a woman he was screwing around with when I was married to him. She follows him on every site he is on, and vice versa. They rarely change, and you can pretty much assume he will cheat on this woman as well.

Believe me, I do know how you feel. I've been through the same thing. I just try to remind myself how tough it really was to be married to a lying, cheating, lowlife.

[This message edited by sarkanda at 10:57 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


When people reveal themselves to you, believe them!
-Dr. Maya Angelou


Divorced: 7/31/07
husband:53 yr old sociopath according to his shrink.
me:54
Married nearly 31 years. Together 33


Posts: 613 | Registered: Apr 2004 | From: NC now PA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

(((((Feeling Consumed))))) A couple of points. First, the more important one, is that you need to focus on you. I know that you know this but I just want to remind you. Look at you, you are taking all the right steps! IC, hanging out with friends, enrolling in classes ... in other words ... moving forward and rebuilding your life! I would definitely share this with your therapist. The less head space he takes up, the more fabulous your life will look.

Point 2. them. Who gives a freaking crap about what they do? They are INSIGNIFICANT. Of course they have to show the world that they are happy otherwise all the destruction the betrayal caused will have been for nothing! They HAVE to make it look like it works. They are not authentic. Their relationship is not built on a foundation of honesty, integrity, respect. Hell no! Is that the type of relationship you want? I don't think so.

I know this is hard and I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It is YOU who is so much better! You are not with a lying, cheating, disrespectful, cowardly, pathetic POS! You are not stuck! You are healing (that takes time), you are rebuilding your new beginning (also takes time) and you are moving forward! Acknowledge how much you HAVE done!! Hugs and support, dmari


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Oct 2012
jimbo25319
Member
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My WW and OM just seem to having a grand ole' time while rubbing my nose in it.

I just can't get a break. Every time I think I get one up on her, she finds out I know. I just can't catch a break. All I need is ONE photo or creditable documentation ofsome public displays of affection. Nothing.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I also write down all the things I hate about him, and what all he did to me. He's gonna end up doing the same stuff to her, too.

I also get what you are saying. We first got together when I was 35, so I had done all the fun stuff, too. I was really ready for my marriage to be forever. He had cheated on his 1st wife and I THOUGHT he realized this was not the way to treat your family.....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1967 | Registered: Jan 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I urge everyone to read and re-read this post (change the pronouns for the menfolk)

I knew a woman once, XWH's aunt, who got a D when her kids where in high school because her husband had an A.
For years she was an unhappy person. Every time I saw her she mentioned the D and her X, even many years later. She lived the rest of her life in misery and made her children and grandchildren miserable as well. It was so sad.

Had she focused on herself and her own happiness and let go of the injustice of what happened, she could have had such a wonderful life. She died alone and miserable.

I made a promise to myself not to follow in her footsteps. My XWH's happiness or lack thereof do not concern me unless it somehow adversely affects my children and grandchildren. Even then, there is nothing I can do.

@ NL, This is a absolutely spot on. All.Of.It.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5419 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
MissMoneypenny
New Member
Member # 34714
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Strangely enough I don`t wish my WH any unhappiness- I know he is very unhappy about messing up our family, I know he suffers every day although to the outside world (and especially to OW) he has to try and put up a happy face.
I wish him all the best, only not with OW- her I wish all the evil one can imagine. But also her honeymoon is over- even her dumb brain with the size of a peanut must realize one day that he will never marry and have children with her, never introduce her to his immediate family and that -if no miracle happens- she will end up childless and the kept woman of man twenty years her senior. No, I don`t envy her at all !


" The only thing I have in common with OW is our birthday "

Posts: 44 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Europe
crushed47
Member
Member # 33574
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

While I don't post too much any more I thought I would respond to this.

The advice that you have been given is spot on in that you need to focus on yourself and not them. Become the person that you always wanted to be. But with that being said, don't think for a minute that life is all rainbows and unicorns for your ex.

My exww, for a couple of years after she left, put up a lot of window dressing about how well she was doing and how great her new life was. But that wasn't reflected in her face which aged 10 years in 3 or her overweight body (she was always thin and athletic with me). I read somewhere that the karma bus tends to make a stop just when we really don't give a shit anymore. That is probably true. It takes several years for us (the bs) to pick ourselves back up and move forward and for the affair/remarriage to implode.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Central Pennsylvania
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I've got a ways to go before I am completely indifferent to whether or not my STBXWW is happy or not, but I do know she is a deeply unhappy person and will likely to continue to be unhappy.

She was unhappy when she was a wife and mother.

She is unhappy now that she is a single mother.

She is unhappy now that she is no longer a wife.

She was unhappy having an affair.

She was unhappy when she was not having an affair (for the short duration of NC).

She is unhappy because there is a void within her, a hole that cannot and most likely will not ever be filled unless she commits herself to deep introspection with guided professional help.

Some of the bottomless hole of unmeetable needs resulted from childhood trauma, but most of her unhappiness is a result of her free will--her decisions, her choices, her selfishness.

I take no pleasure in this. It is tragic, for her innate unhappiness has destroyed her greatest chance for happiness in this life--a family.

Sound familiar to anyone?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I take no pleasure in this. It is tragic, for her innate unhappiness has destroyed her greatest chance for happiness in this life--a family.

I remember back when I was still looking for my beloved husband somewhere in the quagmire that is the sad clown - I remembered a part of an article I read somewhere.

This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

It made me incredibly sad at the time. I no longer feel sad about it. I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5419 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

This is very true and what you said about focusing on his potential and not yours is what I have been doing for so long. You just nailed it for me!



BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2652 | Registered: Aug 2011
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Feelingconsumed,

I don't really have anything new to add to this thread, just wanted to chime in with everyone else.

For me, the less I know the better. I have very little contact with anyone that knows him. I don't ask about how he's doing, I don't really care at this point in time. My son has no contact with him. That has helped me tremendously in stepping away from the pain. I realize now, that some of the pain I went through, was because I was asking about him, or looking into what he was doing. Ignorance is definitely bliss!!

I am trying to put my life back together again. I am only about 8 months out, so I have a long way to go. It's hard, and I am lonely. This is the first time I have lived by myself. Sometimes I love the freedom, other times, I hate going to bed alone.

I hear you about the old men winking, depressing, isn't it? Maybe the universe is saying that now is not the time for a relationship but that doesn't mean you will never have someone in your life to love.

I don't know how the universe lets them be happy. I don't know if or when the karma bus will come visit my STBX. I just know, that I don't want his affair to be the defining moment of my life.

My happiness is not attached to his anymore, my happiness is not attached to his misery either. I have fleeting moments of happiness now, and it's enjoying a beautiful sunset, holding my great nephew, listening to beautiful music or taking a long soak in a hot tub. I hang on to those moments, they are mine.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Yes!!!! I still struggle with this


]This woman said she had him at his best. She had him back when he wasn't the man who cheated on his wife and did this to his family.

She had him when he was the closest he will ever be to the man he could have been.

It made me incredibly sad at the time. I no longer feel sad about it. I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Yes!!!! I still struggle with this

@PL, I did too until I started focussing on my potential instead if his (lost) potential.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5419 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Feeling Consumed
Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

It dawned on me that this worrying about wanting to know why the universe is allowing them to be happy when they are such evil, self centered, broke-down excuses for humans is kind of like an addiction for me, an addiction that I must struggle to break free from, just like any other type of addiction.

I remember when I quit smoking - holy moly it was hard. It seemed like all I did every single second of every single waking moment for the LONGEST time was think about NOT having a cigarette. This almost seems like that, like I'm trying to quit something I am addicted to.

When my dday first happened, I spent every single second of every waking moment thinking about what happened. And although I am nowhere near that bad now, 2-1/2 years later, I do have setbacks that put me back into that addiction. It's almost like when I am sitting near a bunch of people who are smoking, I'd give anything for a cigarette, so I got to fight myself to not ask someone for a smoke.

I have to just keep at this, just like I kept at stopping smoking. I am happy to report that after about a million tries, I successfully quit smoking and have not had a cigarette since 1995! I do get a craving every now and then, especially like I said, if I'm around others smoking, but now I am fully able to stop that urge.

One day I will be able to say that I have not had an obsessive thought about my ex and his whore since 20??!!


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
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Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Addiction is a good analogy. This is going to sound weird but I found/find the anger/indignation quite soothing - only in a toxic way.

IMO some of it is also a resistance to facing the fact that our lives are in our own hands now. What to do? I don't know. Too hard. I'll focus on how unfair this all is instead. Then I don't have to focus on having to drive my own bus.

I posted in another thread that I seem to only do it when I'm feelings down about something unrelated. Like a kind of self-harm or taking comfort in picking at an old scab.

I've wondered if I do it to get that survival rush again - get the adrenalin going. I'm pretty sure I used to do the same about my childhood - that was my last point of reference for hurt/pain before this.

Whatever the reason it's not a place I want to be stuck in for too long. The bouts are far shorter and the gaps between are getting bigger and bigger.

Everyone has their own pace but I do think its up to us to take action when we ind ourselves circling or standing still. Baby steps are OK - stagnation is not.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5419 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I do feel sad that I focussed so much on his potential and so little on mine.
<< That is some deep shit. I'm changing my tag line to this. We should all not waste any more time and focus our attention on our potential!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 34