SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Invited to go on a trip
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

EX is taking the boys to his parents cabin about 1200 miles and 5 states away. He invited me to go.

Reasons I am leaning toward going:
I don't want to be away from the boys for 10 days.

I will be worried, especially since they will be out of phone range during a large part of the trip

The activities they are going on will be for the first time, and I'd like to be there with them.

EX has been having some health problems and I worry about him being alone with the kids in case something happens. (so far the test results have been normal, but he definately has something going on with his heart beat).

Reasons I don't want to go:

Triggers! He never liked going on family vacations and ruined them to the point I stopped planning them.

EX in-laws, who treated me poorly, incredibly poorly, will be there

It's a long trip and I have a lot of work, but I still need to take the time off before I loose it.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You need to do what's best for you. My boys are similar ages to your children and there is no way on Earth I would be going on a trip anywhere with my ex.

I also think it is extremely confusing for the children what message are you sending them?

It's time he needs to man up and look after your children during his time with your kids. If he is too sick to travel, he shouldn't be going anywhere with them. If they go, sure you will miss them but you probably need to let go and allow them to go without you. It's hard but it does get easier.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

duplicate post.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 4:54 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Do you have a good girlfriend who could go along too? That would reduce the time you have to actually spend being friendly with your ex, and would give you a safe space to trigger if necessary.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13648 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't for a variety of reasons.

1. He needs to learn to be a responsible adult. If he is having health problems, HE needs to worry about it.

2. Totally understand not wanting to be away from the kids. I just finished my first 2 weeks without them and I triggered like crazy before hand. While they were gone, I tackled a huge house project to keep myself busy.

3. No way in hell I'd be around the ex IL's. I wouldn't be a nice person if I had to deal with her again.

4. I worry every time my ex drives away with my kids...so I understand that fear, but it is always there.

5. Ex wanted me to go on "family trips" and I . We are not a family any longer. Plus, in the past when we tried to do some minor family things, I triggered like crazy afterwards. It was so surreal...and painful..and confusing for the kids, and frankly for me too. Ex would make me feel guilty for not doing the "family things", but I learned it just makes him "look good" for us to do "family things" together.

It isn't easy to let them go on trips like this, I totally understand.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Good grief - no way I would go either.

The activities they are going on will be for the first time, and I'd like to be there with them.

As they get older and older, this happens more and more. It is all part of them growing up.

EX has been having some health problems and I worry about him being alone with the kids

But he won't be alone, right:

EX in-laws, who treated me poorly, incredibly poorly, will be there

Ten days with X and XILs? Ugh...no thanks!

If you have vacay to use....schedule something for you to do with the kids and make your own taint-free memories.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 8:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2042 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

But he won't be alone, right:

He will be for the "road trip" part. His parents are already at their cabin. He is driving the boys by himself.

I really don't think I will be going. I just HATE being away from the kids that long (i've never been more than 4 or 5 days without them before) and fearing about them being in the middle of nowhere, possibly without phone service is bothering me.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Topic Posts: 7