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User Topic: When to give up?
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Been seeing a girl for almost a yr. We are both in our early 40's. She has said many times I would be happier with someone else that is nicer. She is a great person but has a low self esteem. She thinks she is not good enough for me. I have told her and showed her so many times that she is who I want. I "went after" her, I want to be with her. I can't get that through her head.
Yesterday she had a bad day, so I sent flowers and told her how much I care for her and love her. Her last text was again, I'd(me) be happier with someone else that is happier(as in she is not a happy person, she thinks).
So I said, ok. I'm obviously not making you happy. Apologized and told her I'd leave her alone.
This has probably happened 3-4 times already this calendar yr. Do I just give up or keep fighting for who I want. Or is it selfish to want who I want?
Be as harsh as you want, I can take it.
Thank you all for the help!

[This message edited by 9.10.11 at 6:17 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2012
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

It's not your job to make her happy.

She needs an IC. And she needs to stop telling you what you want.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13191 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She has really low self-esteem and you can't change that for her. To change that, she needs to work on it for herself.

You can't make another person happy.

You probably need to think about why you've been in the relationship as long as you have, when she is clearly not happy.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3597 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

^^ YES and YES to both posts.

Maybe some IC for you to curb that killer KISA habit too.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

WOW....I wish I could meet a guy that would do all of those sweet things. I feel bad for her..... because ultimately, it would be in your best interest to move on and one day she will wake up from her fog and realize that she possibly let go the best thing that ever happened to her...

Sad. Just sad.

But, I agree. She needs to work on herself in IC (I know from personal experience...LOVE my IC!) and THEN maybe once she loves herself more...she will be ready to accept love from someone else. Good Luck to you both!


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2425 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

So she recognizes her problem (gloomy) but opts to do nothing about it? So I would take that to mean she is satisfied being unhappy. Some people are....they thrill in wallowing.

Secondly, she says you would be happier with someone nicer. Again, that is an acknowledgement that she feels she is not a nice person. But doesn't work on being a better person? We all have room for improvement and most people want to be a good person (nice, etc).....she seems like she is happy being what she is.

Good news (ha) is you KNOW what she is. She is showing and telling you. Question is - is this what you want in a relationship?

PS - my day sucked yesterday at work too. Flowers welcomed.


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She's manipulating you. She plays the "poor pitiful me, I'm not good enough" routine and you then pour on more attention. Once you back off, then she repeats the cycle again.

She has issues, but you probably do as well to some degree because you too have been engaging in this dysfunctional cycle for a year. Somebody who is emotionally healthy would not be participating in this dysfunction.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
crushedheart09
Member
Member # 28573
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Agree with lieshurt.

Sounds like a "shit" test to me. (a classic NPD tactic)
Just how much shit is he willing to take?

Coupled with low self-esteem, as the other post pointed out, she could be NPD.

Run like the wind my friend and if she chases you?

Run Faster!


M 28 years
D 3/2011

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2010
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She's manipulating you. She plays the "poor pitiful me, I'm not good enough" routine and you then pour on more attention. Once you back off, then she repeats the cycle again.

100% agree with lieshurt. XH would use this manipulative tactic on me, I didn't realize it at the time but that's what he was doing. Also like lieshurt said, I allowed it because I wasn't emotionally healthy either.

I think you should take a step back from the relationship to get yourself healthy and figure out why you allowed yourself to be manipulated in this way.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for the great advise! I really do appreciate you taking time to help me.

A couple things i've thought about. #1, please don't get mad if i bring this up.... but it was the start of her...."cycle". Could it be something to do with that?
#2, maybe I'm not showing/telling her enough how much I appreciate her. She really is a good person who puts others before herself all the time. Could it be that she needs some "me" time(meaning her)? Or could it be that I show too much appreciation?
I'd hate to tell her she needs IC. She has been there, done that after she was cheated on. I too, btdt.

I know it's hard to answer some of these things going through my head, because you have very little history and don't know us.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

#1, please don't get mad if i bring this up.... but it was the start of her...."cycle". Could it be something to do with that?

I would say no.

#2, maybe I'm not showing/telling her enough how much I appreciate her. She really is a good person who puts others before herself all the time

No, it's not about you. She's got issue. It doesn't matter what you do, she's still going to have them and she's still going to use them to manipulate you.

I'll disagree with the statement that she is a good person. Good people don't use tactics to manipulate others. She's using that "good" to hide behind.

I'd hate to tell her she needs IC. She has been there, done that after she was cheated on

Seeking IC to help with betrayal is one thing. Seeking IC to address passive aggressive behaviors, manipulative behaviors and insecurity is another. She needs help.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 9:41 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Push. Pull. Passive Aggressive B.S.

Next.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21009 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Every single time one of my friends has given a guy this line, it's because she's being too lazy to break up with him, and would rather have him do the hard part.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13191 | Registered: Jul 2011
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

You sound like a great guy who has done all kinds of the right things to show this woman that you care for her. I think she's right. You DO deserve to be with someone who is nicer. And as others have said--it isn't your job to make her happy. From what little you've said, it seems like that would be a mighty big job anyway.
You say she is a nice person who always puts everyone else first. Maybe that's why she's not happy. Maybe she resents the hell out of all those people she puts first. If so, that's her job to figure out.

Life is too short to waste time and energy on people who embrace negativity. And gloom and doom people suck you into their bottomless pit of yucky-ness. Run, run, run for your life and find someone who is positive and life affirming who WILL appreciate you and what you have to offer.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2056 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
james60
New Member
Member # 39957
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

As Jimmie V said, " Don't give up....don't ever give up" ! As to making others happy, as Abraham Lincoln said " most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be".

None of us can make another person happy-it's hard enough finding happiness for ourselves. I find that the more i focus on the happiness of others, the less i focus on my happiness.

My girlfriend (both of us were cheated on),keeps thinking she can make me happy, despite how much I tell her she can't.

In the process, she's getting very frustrated, and getting more unhappy!


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: east coast
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

#1, please don't get mad if i bring this up.... but it was the start of her...."cycle". Could it be something to do with that?

I hate it when girls blame their bad behavior on "that time of the month". Treating someone poorly is never excusable. Sure I may get a little emotional (and cry at the stupid picture of the sad puppy) but never manipulative or mean.

#2, maybe I'm not showing/telling her enough how much I appreciate her. She really is a good person who puts others before herself all the time. Could it be that she needs some "me" time(meaning her)? Or could it be that I show too much appreciation?

First you say your not showing enough appreciation, then you say your showing too much. She has you so mind fucked you don't even know which way is up. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to question whether you are giving too much or too little, it just feels right. You can keep giving and giving but eventually you have nothing left to give and you will be just as broken as she. She isn't you responsibility to fix.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Talked to her today. She feels so bad for the way she acted and the things she said. She said she has never been treated so kind by another man that she feels guilty. She has never had anyone work so hard to try and make her happy on a bad day. It was the 7 yr "antiversary" of her cathching her husband cheating on her. I didn't know the day.

I feel like such an a$$.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She has never had anyone work so hard to try and make her happy on a bad day. It was the 7 yr "antiversary" of her cathching her husband cheating on her. I didn't know the day.

So, what about the rest of the year? You said she's done this 3 or 4 times this year alone.

I'm sorry, but her reaction just seems like more of the same manipulation she's been pulling all along.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I agree with Amazonia. It was my first thought...that she wanted you to end things so she wouldn't have to.

If someone I loved sent me flowers when I had a bad day because it was my antiversary, I would be thanking the stars above that my life was so much different than it was 7 years ago. I wouldn't be telling the person who sent the flowers that they would be happier with someone else.

It sounds like it's happening every couple months?

She said she has never been treated so kind by another man that she feels guilty.

Guilty? Maybe the guilt is because she doesn't want to be in the relationship and you keep being nice to her when she is out of line with you and hoping you will end things?


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Honey - enough about her. What are you getting out of this? And I'm not talking about "she's nice, we get along well" kind of stuff. What are you getting from being told repeatedly that you're too good for her?

Honestly - no attack intended. Just wanting you to deep dive on YOUR side of this equation.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22591 | Registered: Aug 2011
Itsajungle
New Member
Member # 39812
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Maybe I'm cynical, but totally agree with AMA and Tabitha.
She wants you to do the dirty work of breaking up. Then she won't feel 'guilty.' And you both get to think she's a good person.
I think she's manipulative....maybe not consciously....you're such a good guy she may think she doesn't deserve you because she knows in her heart she's just not feelin it.
Quit beating yourself up.
And think about if 'she's just not that into you.'

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My friend married a guy like this. Year after year she tried to prove to him how much she loved him and how awesome he was....

It's too much work. She had to divorce him because HE began to bring HER and her daughter down.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1707 | Registered: Jan 2012
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I talked to her. Told her to cut the bulls---. Asked her if she wanted to be with me or not. Told me one problem was that my xww was still in same town.(small town) She is uncomfortable around her when the kids have things up and she is there also.
yada yada yada, told her we need a break. Told her to decide if she wants to be with me or not. We can still be friends, no hard feelings.
I think I'm gonna just cut this off now or else we will be back here again. Gonna sleep on it.
A sad thing is....I'm not that hurt. I love her, miss her, want to be with her. Afraid I might have a cold, careless heart.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2012
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Afraid I might have a cold, careless heart.

You don't!!!

She has been playing games with you and not being honest. Finally getting to the bottom of her shit is freeing and I'm sure it's relief to get away from the drama. It doesn't mean your cold and heartless. It means you are taking control of your life.


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Just wanted to thank you all for your help. I appreciate it more than you may realize.

I will come around more often to try and return the favor or "pay it forward".

Take care, all, and have a good weekend!


Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2012
Embers2Fire
Member
Member # 25557
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 26th (Friday)

There is a motto on someones tagline here on SI, "when someone tells you who they are, believe them". She is clearly telling you who she is. You can not fix her and you did not break her. It is not your job to fix people let the therapist take care of that. She has to want to be fixed. My XWH used to tell me all the time how he wished he could be more like me, because he was a selfish person. I did not understand what he meant. "WE" did alot for others all the time. Hindsight being 20/20 I realize it was always me suggesting ways to give to or help others, "HE" was just along for the ride. He really is a selfish man who struggles constantly with his desire to please himself above others. But that is his struggle not mine. Morale of the story is he told me who he was and I did not believe him. I will not make that mistake again. Good luck to you.


BS - me 49
XWH - him 48
DDay 05/08
Married 25 yrs, 2 sons 28/23
Divorced
2nd Marriage 11/1/13 livng the dream
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me, you know in the end the day you left was really my begnning - Kelly Clarkson

Posts: 402 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Memphis, TN
Topic Posts: 26