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User Topic: Satisfied vs suppressed?
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Question  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

This is not infidelity related, however mods if it fits better in another forum, I am buckled up for the flight.

In various forums I see messages about expressing your needs in a relationship. I also see topics where people believe they suppressed their needs in order to further a relationship or keep the peace.

I am struggling with this. I consider myself to be realistically optimistic. I like to count my blessings. I am having a difficult time trying to figure out if that is a healthy way to live or if I am sacrificing self in order to maintain status quo. Am I actually happy or afraid of change? This impacts all areas, relationship, career, hobbies, everything.

Anyone else have the answer? Or the questions I should be asking myself to differentiate?

Appreciate any and all points of view about this.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6510 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
meaniemouse
Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I don't have an answer but am VERY interested in the questions. Waiting patiently for what others have to say on this topic. It's a good one.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2099 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thanks MM, I have struggled how to word this for a couple of days.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6510 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I have a history of suppressing my feelings when it comes to family and friends. I did it in my marriage also. I do it to keep the peace because I don't like the fighting or arguments. I'm learning not to do that any longer though.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4729 | Registered: Feb 2008
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's realistic. Nobody and nothing is going to be everything for everybody and if you have what you need, why not do your best to be happy with it? That doesn't mean that you don't strive for more or even expect better but that you don't let it get you down when perfection is not achieved.

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's a matter of deciding what your dealbreakers are. If you suppress a dealbreaker, nothing good can come from that. You also have to recognize that your dealbreakers may change over time. Life is fluid.

However, if you have unrealistic expectations that everything has to be unicorns and rainbows, you will most certainly wind up alone for the rest of your life or at least in a succession of unhappy relationships.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 10:56 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19963 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Sad, I think that might be the crux of the issue. I think I accept a lot of what others would consider deal breakers under the guise of, "it could be worse". So what is the tipping point between being a doormat who thinks she is happy vs making the best of things in a less than perfect world. Realizing there are miles between those 2 points of course.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6510 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think I accept a lot of what others would consider deal breakers under the guise of, "it could be worse". So what is the tipping point between being a doormat who thinks she is happy vs making the best of things in a less than perfect world. Realizing there are miles between those 2 points of course.

What really helps me to differentiate between what is acceptable and what isn't is to take a step back and look at the situation from an outside perspective. "What would I want for my best friend or daughter in this situation?"


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

What would I want for my best friend or daughter in this situation?

That is the kind of questions I think I am looking for to answer this.
I think I might expect better for others than myself.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6510 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think you can suppress or compromise within reason and still be in healthy territory. I do think it's important that your partner understands that you're doing it though, not in a "feel guilty!" way, but in a way that prevents you from becoming a martyr in your own mind.

I think it's more about compromise, where you agree together that in this instance X will be better than Y, but they understand that you're giving up Y because it all adds up to Z at the end of the day, and that's more important than Y.

That way you don't end up getting walked all over by giving up A-M and Y while your partner gets their way all the time.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13653 | Registered: Jul 2011
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Ama, one of the threads in NB made me think about this. I give in a LOT. On the other hand, I am very independent, do what I want in a lot of things. So.... Am I not acknowledging the compromise of others or do they not care enough about those things so I feel like I have more give than I am actually getting? Does that make sense?


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6510 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think this is where you need to communicate to figure that out.

ETA: I originally read your post as pertaining to romantic relationships, and my response was intended for that context. If you're talking about friendships, coworkers, etc. I think it's more a matter of trusting that people enforce their own boundaries and being considerate without sacrificing your own boundaries. But inside a romantic relationship - communicate communicate communicate.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:10 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13653 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 12