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User Topic: He says he wants a divorce, but ...
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Frankly, I'm confused. His actions do NOT be appearing to match his words.

You can see the details in my sig -- married almost 10 years, together almost 12. Two months after the ILYB talk and one month after he came clean about the OW, he told me he wanted a divorce. That was a week ago today.

However, he hasn't filed. From things he's said, I doubt he's even seen or talked to an attorney. (He thought we could use the same one! When I said we couldn't do that, he said he wanted to do a mediated divorce -- apparently not realizing we'd still both need lawyers.) He hasn't asked me about separating our finances (and he's the one with everything to lose there, NOT me). He doesn't seem to have any plans as to when or if he might move out of his parents' house, which is not a cozy arrangement -- they don't cook, they rarely clean, they think he's making a horrible mistake, and he's living in a basement bedroom amidst a bunch of junk.

He's a very smart, very successful professional guy. He's more than capable of dealing with all this stuff. And yet he doesn't seem to be.

Am I being unrealistic in hoping that this is a sign he doesn't really want this?

(I should add that I have seen one attorney already and have an appointment with another. I have a good idea of what I can expect to end up with in a divorce settlement and how I can protect myself and my kids. I don't intend to file, unless I have to -- I don't want to get divorced, and I don't plan to initiate unless I'm 100 percent sure I'm done. I haven't reached that point yet.)

[This message edited by Violetta at 11:06 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
npain
Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

(((Violetta)))

Much hugs and I'm sorry that you are here, but we are all here to support you through this.

You do not have any info in your profile, so I do not know how long ago your DDay is, but it seems recent. I think there are some things that should be pointed out:

1- You are doing the 180 to reconcile? The 180 is for YOU, to make sure that emotionally you will be ok in case things do not work out that way, not to manipulate him to come back.

2- He told you 1 week ago he wanted a divorce. That's not a lot of time, it takes time to see an attorney and draft the paperwork.

3- If your DDay is very recent, he may be on a rollercoaster as well, one day he wants a divorce, another day he doesn't. Give it time to see how it plays out.

4-Don't be so sure that he told you all about the OW. Most of the time they don't come clean if they are still planning to divorce you. Why tell all if you're not planning to stay together?


S,beginning D

Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Can you not see my sig? Hmmm. At any rate, our D-Day was June 21.

I know the 180 is really for me. And it has helped me a lot. It has definitely made me feel more confident and more self-sufficient. However, it would be dishonest for me to say I'm not also hoping it might help convince him to come back.

I guess it's not so much that he hasn't filed — though the attorney I saw was surprised he hadn't, considering how fast he's pushing all of this — but the fact that he doesn't even appear to know how any of this will work. That, to me, shows that he's truly not making a very well-informed or thought-out decision. Although I guess you could say that about this whole debacle!

I tend to think he's told me mostly the truth. Of course, I'm remaining somewhat skeptical, but I think he's a "gusher."


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think he probably does want the divorce - but like many, is too lazy to actually do the work and hopes you will handle it all.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Feb 2010
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

(((violetta)))

Keep 180'ing. Time will tell you what you need to know.

I agree with Whaler that he may very well want to divorce, but would rather you do it.

Course, in that time, if his actions are for r'ing, you'll know that too.

Not to scare you, but your dday is recent and he may not know even know what the hell he wants right now.

In the meantime, take care of you.

sending you strength,,,,,


Posts: 545 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's pretty common that they waffle and don't want to deal with reality once the words actually leave their mouths. Don't expect him to make well informed decisions - he has shown he's not capable of that due to the fact that he's had an affair and is living in his parents basement.

Mine did something similar. He made it clear that he didn't want me anymore, but he also didn't want to fling himself into the unknown so quickly either. It was like he wanted to shut his eyes on the reality he created. I practically had to find an apartment for him when I could no longer take him living there with us. He was there, but not really present, you know? He would stay out late, come home drunk, and act like there wasnt a two ton elephant sitting in the middle of the room. He even slept in the same bed until he settled on a move out date. He didnt pack until the day he moved, never went through his momentos, and barely took the clothes on his back. I hired an attorney and he represented himself. My lawyer would make comments each time she saw him that he looked like a deer in the headlights who just came off a two week bender. The whole scene was bizarre and cruel and unfortunately it kept me hoping for a long time that he really didn't want this.

I know it's hard, but don't read too much into his inaction right now. IMO and from what I've seen on SI for the past two years, you will absolutely know if they really make a turn around and are willing to do the hard work to R. At this point, he hasn't shown you that so keep doing what needs to be done to protect yourself legally and emotionally.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jan 2011
Mommato4
Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think it's pretty common for WS to do and say that. It's only been a month since DDay so of course he is still waffling on the idea.

Sadly he probably does want one if he is doing nothing to show he wants the marriage. Actions. He should be working on himself in IC, etc.

My XH did the same. It was back and forth for months on end wanting a D, not wanting one. It was hell for me. I had 4 kids to care for so I turned my attention to them and did the 180 for my sanity. My DDay was April 2007, I let him stay until November 2007 because he was boo hooing he had no place to go. Bad for me as he moped around the house. I had enough and said get out. He said he would file after getting our tax return. Did he? Nope. I waited and waited. I ended up filing in April 2008 after waiting months and months. I had a lawyer, he never retained one or even went to the D hearing. It was my lawyer and me in that courtroom. Fastest 10 minutes of my life but the best thing I did. He showed me who he was for that entire year.

[This message edited by Mommato4 at 12:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1377 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice. I do think he's probably still waffling. I'm still in "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" mode.

I'd really like to think that we can make this work and reconcile, if hed just TRY, but I'm not going to count on it until I hear those words out of his mouth and he starts showing me he's ready to work his butt off.

Like Tom Petty says, "the waiting is the hardest part." I wish there was something I could DO. Instead, I feel like all I can do is BE. I mean, I could file, but, like I said, I don't really want to be divorced. At least not yet.

I don't think he has any idea of how little he might end up seeing the kids. For all his current faults, he adores and is a great dad. I think he thinks he'll get 50-50 custody. The lawyer I saw said no way in hell will that happen, unless I agree to it, which I certainly don't plan to. I'm not going to miss out on half my kids' childhoods because of his bad decisions.

God, I wish there was someway to lead him out of the fog. I know he has to walk out of it on his own, but waiting and wondering if and when that will ever happen is agonizing.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

It is agonizing. I'm so sorry you're in this spot.

What I can tell you is that you don't have to go through with the D if he pulls his head out of his ass. You may want to file now though if it's in your best interest financially. We are so upset and turned upside down when this happens. It rarely occurs to us early on that we could get creamed on the money end of things if we don't take control.

I know it's hard to think that they will hurt us and the kids like that too, but waywards can be like trapped animals - once they find themselves in a corner, they snarl and snap back. If he has access to the money and the joint assets, please at least talk to your lawyer about filing. See if the courts regularly grant temporary orders of support and maintenance before things even get rolling. Don't let him waffle to the point where he gathers enough strength to figure out how much he may really lose because of his bad choices.

It sounds very harsh, but my lawyer and my IC told me early on to take advantage of his guilt. That's where the inaction usually stems from. It's way easier to get a good settlement if they are feeling bad. Again, harsh but true. You have to do what you can now to protect yourself. Right now, he's not an ally, he's the adversary. Treat him that way when it comes to your financial future.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jan 2011
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think he probably does want the divorce - but like many, is too lazy to actually do the work and hopes you will handle it all.

Yup, this is my H. He also wanted to be able to say that "his wife left him" vs. "I had an A and ruined my M." I caught one of his e-mails just after he moved out where he gleefully told the health person where he works that "my wife sent me packing, so it's best if you call my cell" How unprofessional. He just loves that he gets to tell people his wife left him.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I'll definitely talk to the attorney I'm meeting with Friday about how to best protect myself. I really don't want to file unless I have to, though. It feels dishonest to initiate a divorce when I don't WANT one.

Oddly, I actually felt BETTER than I do right now right after he asked for the divorce. Not because I wanted one, but because I felt like, "OK, I know what direction we're headed in, and I can start to prepare myself." But with his actions seeming to say something different than his words, I feel like everything is up in the air again. And it doesn't help that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who knows us feels absolutely convinced that he's going to come to his senses.

It's so hard to accept the waiting. Patience has never been my strong suit.

[This message edited by Violetta at 3:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My gut read on this is that by stating that he wants a divorce - he now can continue to cheat - only now he can do it without guilt, because you know, you are getting a divorce...

So when you say his "actions" seem to contradict - you mean his "inaction," in that he has not actually gone out and gotten a lawyer. He's the guy on the couch saying, "I want pizza!" but then not making a move to go get it.

But perhaps his actions are speaking very loudly in other realms...? Where do things stand with OW?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Yes, that's a good point – it is his inactions rather than his actions I'm looking at.

I'm not sure exactly where things are with the OW. I do know that when I talked to her husband, who had already moved out several weeks ago and didn't know about the EA, he called me back and said she denied everything. WH knows this. I can't imagine it gives him a lot of confidence that she can't even fess up to man she doesn't even want to be married to anymore.

It doesn't sound like, according to his parents, he's going out much. Of course, he could be communicating with her in other ways or seeing her at work. Or just lying to them about where he is going when he does go out. But, at any rate, it doesn't sound like he's spending a vast amount of time with her.

When he did first tell me he wanted to divorce, I said, "So you're going to go be with her now?" And he said, "Yeah, probably." Though he was very shaken up by our conversation later that night where he discovered how deeply devastated and disgusted his dad was by his behavior. I guess they (WH and FIL) had more of a talk later that same night. WH was "very rattled," according to his dad. I guess he thought his parents were going to be more supportive?

I don't even know what to think anymore. I ping-pong back and forth about a thousand times a day.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Fence sitting is very common, and so is waffling back and forth. Have you recently asked him point blank what it is that he is wanting? And is he still communicating with her? No matter what he says, if he is still in touch with her that action speaks louder than anything he can say to you.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

We haven't had another discussion since the one a week ago, where he said he wanted to D. I don't know if he's in contact with her, but I would assume they are at least talking.

I'm not sure how to ask and keep up with the 180, unless he volunteers this information. But he hasn't.

I think the smartest, and most sane thing, for me to do is to continue on the assumption we are heading for divorce. If he tells me he wants to R and breaks off contact with her, then that will be a wonderful surprise, but it doesn't look like, at this point, that's something I should expect, at least not based on his current behavior.

Part of me really wishes I could give him an ultimatum, but I don't know that I would feel comfortable following through on it at this point. Just not there yet.

[This message edited by Violetta at 7:23 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
residencywife93
New Member
Member # 39695
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Violetta-- I hear you. Stay strong.

I am brand new, so I don't have a lot of advice, but our DDays are really recent and I just started the D process on my own this past monday.

Please just protect yourself. I am dealing with a NPD H, so my situation is a little bit different, but the truth of the matter is... you have to look out for you. My H said the exact same things and acted the exact same way. He said He wanted a D, but he never initated paperwork or anything. He wanted to file "uncontested" through the courts without lawyers, so he could get away with whatever he could. He didn't want to acknowledge what he has done.

I had to come to the realization on my own that it would have hurt me more to be served with papers on his terms. And that would be another slap in the face just like the A. I thought and thought about it, and frankly, if he was willing to have an A, there is obviously no respect to tell me if he was filing for D either. I called my lawyer, initiated the paperwork. I am going to give him what he wants, but it's going to be on my terms now. And this will be the first time in his entire life he will have to take responsibility for his actions. I hold all the cards and I have the control. It's really an empowering thing to think about the situation and say "You know what? I got this"

Just protect yourself and your kids. Nothing is happening tomorrow, today or the next week. I don't want to get divorced either. I want my H to change, but I have to understand that there is a great possibility he wont. I hope yours pulls his sh*t together and realizes what he is throwing away. It's so scary, I know! I'm sending you postive vibes and strength.

--RW


Me: BS 27
Him: WH 27
Married 9/3/11
Together since 10/2006
DDay 5/28/13
Filed 7/22/13

Lacing up my nikes and running west!


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

My STBX also threatened me daily with filing for divorce for over a month, but did nothing. I finally found an attorney and filed myself. He never stopped talking to OW and has now moved her from another state and in with him. So I agree that being inactive about filing for divorce does not mean they intend to come back. He still never asks about where the divorce process is, when it will be done, etc. I think it's just because OW doesn't care if he's divorced or not, so why should he.

Also, I agree with the poster that said you might get a better settlement while he feels guilty. We worked out our financial settlement right away and I asked for a lot in spousal from him and he agreed. I doubt I would have been able to get him to agree to that now.

I think you really need to consider filing for divorce to protect yourself. You don't have to go through with it at this time, but it will legally separate you from anything crazy that he might do.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 876 | Registered: Mar 2013
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

As I have heard so many times - you have to be prepared to lose your marriage to save it.

Getting the notification that you are fililng for divorce will either snap him out of his fantasy world, or it will end the marriage. Either way the waffling adn fence sitting ends.

Just remember, no matter how much you want to save your marriage, you cannot do it alone. He has to be committed to R and from what I have read he isn't there.

Like you said, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Good luck


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thank you again to everyone for your thoughts and advice. When I meet with the attorney tomorrow, I'll talk to her about what advantages there maybe to filing first – or disadvantages – and how I can protect myself and the kids best in the meantime.

I definitely haven't ruled out filing myself. I don't think I'm ready to take that step at this time, and with D Day just over a month ago, I don't want to rush anything.

In the meantime, I'm trying to take good care of myself and the kids. I got all new bedding for the bedroom, and new blinds and art to match. WH was surprised to see it when he came over the other day – the bedroom door was open – to get the kids.

I've also been working out more, taking the kids out a lot of fun places, and, with tomorrow being our 10 year anniversary, I have a big party planned with lots of girlfriends coming over.

The amount of support I've had, both online and in real life, has been overwhelming, from the neighbors who've helped me with things around the house to friends who've talked to me and texted with me whenever I was despairing, to my in-laws, who are helping so much with the kids. If we do end up divorced, and even if we don't, one of the best things to come out of this whole mess will be realizing how many amazing, generous people I have in my life.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I just had an awful talk with WH. We were on our way back from our oldest son's school, and we were talking about bedtime routines on nights when he has the kids. I asked if he was going to be getting his own place anytime soon, and he said, "Yeah, I guess I'll have to."

I said, "Is this still what you really want to do?" He said, "Yeah, it is." I told him, "Are you seeing her now?" He said, "Not seriously, but I've seen her a couple of times."

I said, "So, are you going to file?" He said he wanted to wait and think about it a little. I said, "Why? You seem pretty damn sure that's what you want to do." He said, "Yeah, I'm gonna file."

I told him that I was NOT going to offer him 50/50 custody and that he might not think he's walking away from the kids, but he IS. He said I was forcing him into that decision. I said NO, he was the one making the decision to leave.

Then I asked why he was rushing this, and if it was so that he could just go be with her and not feel guilty. He said he wasn't going to talk about his feelings with me and that he was pissed he'd been "ambushed" after a school meeting. I told him I wasn't ambushing him, but I had a right to know what to expect and what to prepare myself and the kids for. He asked if we could please talk about this this weekend. I said sure.

However, as I got out of the car (in tears), I told him he wasn't the man I thought he was, that I was sorry I picked him to be their father, and that they deserved better than this.

So, I did just about everything I had hoped NOT to do. But at least now I know where things stand. Which is not in a very good freaking place.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
residencywife93
New Member
Member # 39695
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Violetta, be strong! You GOT this. Do not let him wear or tear you down.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to struggle, it's okay to cry. I am having one of those days too. We have to lean on each other now.

I just want to hug you! I am really thinking about you. I know how hard this is.


Me: BS 27
Him: WH 27
Married 9/3/11
Together since 10/2006
DDay 5/28/13
Filed 7/22/13

Lacing up my nikes and running west!


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm sorry Violetta. It's so hard when they turn on us. They become so very cold. So very heartless.

Please protect yourself as best you can now, in all ways, particularly legal.

((((Violetta))))


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Sweety, I am so sorry he is really thinking about getting a divorce. I know this is not what you want or what you were hoping for, but the ink is not dry just yet on that divorce decree. He may still pull his head out of his ass. I just hope he doesn't wait too long.

The best thing to do at this time is to go NC except for kids and finances. Also I would tell him this weekend exactly what you want drawn up in the divorce decree. Protect yourself and your kids. Set a deadline on him filing and if he doesn't, you do it. Do not let him continue to fence sit and play with your heart. You don't deserve that and neither do your kids.

The fact that he has not went NC with OW is because so far he hasn't seen consequences. My WH#2 said he was NC with OW, then I find out a yr later they are still having the A. His reason was because he really had no consequences on DDay#1. Once my husband saw that I was serious about the D, he finally got his head out of the fog. He still has it firmly up his ass, but that's another post. Giving him consequences may be what brings him around to what he is fixing to lose. At this point, what have you got to lose but a cheater and a liar. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thank you, TrustGone. I'm still hoping like hell he pulls his head out of his ass, too, but it sure seems firmly lodged in there for now.

When I see the attorney tomorrow, I'll talk to her about how I want to play this -- if it's best to tell him upfront what I want or to wait. I imagine there are upsides and downsides to both strategies. But I think the biggest upside to telling him is him deciding if he really wants to go through with this considering how very very much he stands to lose.

I do have an "internal deadline" that I'm not sharing with him on when I'll file if nothing changes (and if he doesn't file first) -- or when I'll at least start seriously considering it.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

((Violetta))

Your story breaks my heart. I'm going through something similar right now, so I know you must be suffering more than words can express.

It made me so angry that my WS just sounded like a wimp. Yours sounds like he might be a little wimpy, too. Shut down. Scared. Passive. Selfish. I just wanted to shake him and tell him to wake up! That he had the nerve to critique when you chose to try to speak to him about how he is ruining your life... I know you're hurting and I don't mean to be rude, but he is acting like a moron.

For the first month after DDay I spent a LOT of time hoping and wishing he would "wake up." I was convinced that he would! Who trades in 10+ good years for a coworker you've known for a few months? As time went on, though, I realized I was doing more work to keep him up on a pedestal than he was. I thought more of him and his morals and potential to be a good man than he was showing he was capable of. It was soooooo hard, but I eventually had to accept he wasn't the man I thought he was (at least any more) and each day that went by without him wanting to R it was clear he wasn't going to "go back" or become what I hoped.

I also made a mental date for accepting it was over. On DDay #2 I told him I wanted NC (truthfully I wanted him to stew in his A and I thought he would quickly come around and want R), and I set a date 8 weeks out when he could talk to me again. I told myself, I will give him a week after that re-contact date to talk to me and, if he doesn't, that's it.

Sadly week 8 came and went. No R. No begging. No contact from him whatsoever. I gave it 5 days after that and I had to face facts.

I'm hoping for you that he comes around. I would kill for a chance at reconciling. But, if he doesn't come around, do yourself a favor and stay true to your date. It's going to send you through hell, but the longer you wait to start your healing, the tougher it will be. :/

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Big hugs

((Violetta)))

There are a lot of reasons why WS's don't immediately file when they say they want a divorce:

1) They don't actually want the divorce
2) They want to keep both their AP and Spouse on the line while they figure out what they want. Or better yet, indefinitely.
3) They have a twisted perception that while cheating is one thing, they didn't "leave" if they make their spouse file first.

and probably a few others.

Right now, however, it seems like he's keeping you around while he gets a better feel for OW and what's going on with her. So... do you want to play second fiddle to OW? Do you want to be the back up plan?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I told him he wasn't the man I thought he was, that I was sorry I picked him to be their father, and that they deserved better than this.

I think this has been a recurring theme since you came to this forum, Violetta. From the beginning you said that he had integrity, that this was not the same man, that he was honorable, and would not purposely harm his family... that the person he once was seems to be gone. Whether it is a permanent thing, or he is lost in the fog, he is still gone.

So many betrayed wives and husbands have come here saying almost the exact same thing. I do believe that you want to reconcile, but it is with the man that he was before the affair. However, that man is apparently gone. And the fact that he continues to speak to the OW when he knows how hard it is for you, what it is doing to your family is so highly disrespectful it is like a physical slap in the face.

I am so sorry that he is doing this to you and your children. The disrespect is mind boggling. Gather your strength.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Me again.

I just want to second Dark Inertia.

In the aftermath, I realized that I was MUCH more hurt by the fact that he kept seeing the OW after he KNEW how destroyed I was than I was by the A.

It's really inexcusable. Unfortunately, it tells you a lot about where he's at :/


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
NWfleur
Member
Member # 35874
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I do believe that you want to reconcile, but it is with the man that he was before the affair. However, that man is apparently gone. And the fact that he continues to speak to the OW when he knows how hard it is for you, what it is doing to your family is so highly disrespectful it is like a physical slap in the face.

^This

Your post struck me, because I could have written it verbatim awhile back. The argument you had, where he said you ambushed him...that conversation was one I had with my ex many times. The fact that he's still seeing her, knowing your pain and agony...you deserve better than that. For me, that became clear in time. I saw that he simply did not care. I was in the way of his fun. He wasn't in a rush to deal with the divorce proceedings, but not because he wanted to save the marriage, but simply because it was a lot of busy work and he had no real plan. They never have a plan do they?
He's not showing remorse or regret or even kindness. He's not respecting you. But the emotional state you are in right now is so raw and volatile, all that seems logical is clinging to the idea of saving the marriage. But you can't do that if he doesn't seem to give a damn.
I'm so sorry Violetta, I have so been there. Stay strong. See your lawyer. Hugs!


Me BS (39)
Him WS (36)
2 DS
M: 9 years (together 13)
DD: 4/10/2012
(Separated since 12/11...affair began ??!!)

Divorced!!!


Posts: 322 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I said, "So, are you going to file?" He said he wanted to wait and think about it a little.

It was this kind of behavior that really opened my eyes, and gave me a potty mouth to boot!

It is crazy making, a blend of playing victim, with a big dose of entitlement. Sorry to say your feelings aren't even on his radar. So here is the hard question: Have your feelings ever been on his radar?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Have my feelings ever been on his radar? Yes, I would say absolutely. He was always an extremely considerate, thoughtful husband. Until these last few months, obviously.

But as many of you have pointed out, he isn't that guy right now and may never be again. Clearly, my feelings aren't important to him now, or at least are a lot less important to him than she is.

Do I want to be his backup plan? Hell no. And if/when he opens his eyes, I will have a lot of very hard thinking to do.

Today is our 10th anniversary. Don't really feel much like getting up -- I'm lying in be cuddling my 4yo. Have a play date in a little while and a party tonight, though :)


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Maxiom
Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Then I asked why he was rushing this, and if it was so that he could just go be with her and not feel guilty. He said he wasn't going to talk about his feelings with me and that he was pissed he'd been "ambushed" after a school meeting. I told him I wasn't ambushing him, but I had a right to know what to expect and what to prepare myself and the kids for. He asked if we could please talk about this this weekend. I said sure

He’s not rushing this. His behaviour is rather manipulative. What he is hoping for is to have both of you. He says he’s moving toward a divorce, but he wants you to play the “pick me” dance. He wants you to beg him not to. All this wishy washy bullshit he’s playing is his attempts to keep the status quo. Or for him to have his cake and eat it too.

Your title says, “He says he wants a divorce.. but”. He doesn’t want a divorce, not because he’s looking to be a model husband again, but because he wants to continue his current behavior. What he really wants is your complacency.

By waiting for him to file you are giving him all the power here and that’s very much what he wants. Let’s face it.. the divorce will be hard financially on the both of you, but if his current actions show, he really doesn’t give a shit what impacts you or the kids, he only cares what happens to him. So why would he rush into that financial hardship?

Take his power away from him. FTG! You file. You drive the process. The faster this guy is out of your life the better off you will be.

I actually think he’s going to change gears when he sees you in the driver’s seat. “What’s the rush?” “Maybe this isn’t what I want” “Can we wait a bit?” “maybe just a trial separation?”. This does not mean he is ready to reconcile. Far from it. It’s just going to be a change in tactics to maintain the status quo.

Also, you should realistically look at what you get even in the unlikely event that you reconcile. He will never.. ever be the guy he was. Never. Even if he was on his best behaviour. The betrayal will never go away.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 458 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 26th (Friday)

What he really wants is your complacency

^^I'm afraid, I agree with this.

But the longer he continues the A, the longer he is un-remorseful, the longer he waits to see what he wants, the longer he continues and adapts to this mucky indecisive state of being - the harder R will become - for you.

For this reason people say: "File. You have to risk your M, to have any hope of saving it."

But there are no guarantees. No guarantee it will wake him up. And no guarantee that even if it does wake him up, that he will do what it takes for the long haul that is R.

On your tenth anniversary...? I am so sorry! (((Violetta)))
Take care of you today. It is really all you can do - figure out what that means and take care of yourself.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 26th (Friday)

if/when he opens his eyes, I will have a lot of very hard thinking to do.

This suggests that you are waiting for him to make a move.

I know that you will be ready when you are ready to make a move. I will say that the limbo stage and my ex continuing the A in the wake of my pain and humiliation was more painful than the initial A itself - because he knew what he was doing then.

Are you in IC?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I'm a month out from DDay#2.

I didn't really want a divorce either. During the first few days after DDay, I asked him if this is what he really wanted. Was he truly willing to throw away his wife and children for someone that he had only known for a few months?

Turns out, he was more than willing. He started moving her in while I was moving out. I have never looked into my STBXH eyes and seen such bitterness. Like somehow I am deserving of everything he has done. All the lying, cheating, spending our money to facilitate his A.

I told him if he wanted to D, then he could file. He said he would. Then he starting asking me how to go about the process? I looked at him and said, "How the hell should I know? I've never done this before!"

I waited for about 2 weeks after DDay in a state of confusion. Hoping that he would pull his head out of his *ss. Then, the threats started. "I'll take the kids 50/50 and not pay you a cent." I couldn't care less if I lose the house, the car, the furniture. My STBXH is not the man I thought he was. He can't physically have the children 50% of the time. His work schedule doesn't allow for it. Guess who he thinks will take care of our sons while he is at work? You guessed it, OW. And I will be damned if she thinks she is going to play mommy when she doesn't even have custody of her own child.

I knew then that I needed some advice from a lawyer. Whatever it cost me, I needed to keep my kids safe. Initially, I told my L that I wanted him to be the one file. Her response was, "But, why would he?"

She was right. Why would he file? Right now, he is cake eating. He has a tramp living at the house. And he still has a wife to take care of his kids. He is currently only seeing them on his days off. He isn't really pushing for extra time because that cuts into time with OW. He just wants to threaten me to keep control. He wants it all, so why would he file for a D?

My L convinced me that my best course of action is to file myself. Protect myself and my children. Why wait for him? Take back some control and start the process on my terms.

You are not alone in this.
Sending you strength to get through today.

((((( Violetta)))))


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Violetta
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Well, my father-in-law talked to WH last night. WH is extremely pissed. He feels i was "pushing him" -- tho he'd already told me a week ago he wants a divorce — and thinks I was threatening him with my statement about custody (it wasn't a threat, just a statement that I don't intend to agree to 50/50 and I don't think it's best for the kids), and he's talking about starting proceedings today. Yes, on our 10th anniversary. Though, I doubt he has a lawyer and would actually be able to start anything today.

FIL told him there's no rush, that a lot of things were said out of hurt and anger.

If I ever did have one huge objection to WH during our marriage, it was that he can't handle emotions and just leaves. Which is kind of funny, because OW is definitely a high-drama individual.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 36