I was exactly where you are at after DDay. You question everything and want to understand why the sky is blue and the grass is green or is it?
Why is your wife tired? Is there a reason? Was she up thinking about something, someone, us? What isn't she telling me? You are trying to grasp your world and it's hard. I would simply say "you hurt my feelings when you snapped at me this morning". Own your feelings and be honest about them.
I realized that I was so hyperaware and angry because that was safer than being sad and vulnerable.
If I let myself be in the marriage...really IN...then I was risking all that pain again.
I learned that good people sometimes make horrible mistakes, but the truly good people deserve a second chance if they are willing to work their butts off to earn forgiveness.
Maybe not even forgiveness. I have not fully forgiven my FWH. That would feel like I let him off the hook for his heinous behavior. No way!
I just accepted what he did, let that be our past and began to focus on how he is NOW and our future.
It was just a shift in my thinking. It became all about what has he done for me lately?
Then, I started to see the man I knew I wanted to be with forever and I began to let my guard down. But boy it took a lot of time.
Life is better when you're not angry all the time. It's hard to let that go when you fear the only other emotion you have inside is deep sadness for the loss you have suffered.
I'm here to tell you...that's not all you have. You have today. you have tomorrow. You get to choose what that looks like.
You're gonna get better. I promise. Try to shift your thinking a bit and you'll see.
Live in today and yesterday will begin to fade. It'll never disappear. You don't have to feel like your letting your WW off the hook, but it will fade and today will matter more...much more.
It is still very new for you. Give it time. Give your self the freedom and space to breathe.