ceilingwalker - I am so very sorry. Betrayal is its own special level of hell. And the surreal experience you had of finding them together is beyond comprehension.
I am so very glad you did not follow through on that impulse and that you are here with us now.
If you are having thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, please reach out for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek out help in a crisis. I know you are strong just based on you finding us and posting your story. There are so many people ready and willing to support you.
The Veteran's crisis line: 1 (800) 273 8255
National suicide prevention: 1-800-273-8255
Your wife has made choices through your entire relationship that fly in the face of what your commitment and marriage vows mean. Those choices do NOT reflect on you - they are solely about her and her own damage.
I'm sending you strength and comfort in the certainty that you are NOT broken beyond repair, honey. No matter what the future holds, you can and will survive this, find your happiness, and thrive. It truly will happen.
But for now? You need to focus on taking care of yourself. You have suffered a trauma - treat yourself accordingly.
((((hugs))))You can call me NIK
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön