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User Topic: My trust is being tested. Need some hugs
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I have posted in the past about woman from TGs past that I am not particularly comfortable with.

Her kids are friends with TGs kids. She has 5 kids. TG is close to 2 of them. They are visiting our area. They are coming over to visit TG tonight. I am out of town.

I do not trust this woman as far as I can spit. She and TG were briefly romantically involved just prior to TG and I dating. He has always told me of her attempts at contact but she fishes a couple of times a year. TG sees it as harmless. I do not.

She is coming to my house tonight. My intuition is sounding alarm bells. I don't know if I'm triggering or just being jealous and untrusting. TG has given me no reason at all not to trust him. He told me. I told him point blank that this was setting off alarm bells. My DS will be there too along with this woman's two kids but I still do not like it.

I could just use some calming support b/c right now I want to call every 5 minutes!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

What it comes down to is ...you have to have trust in TG. That, and make sure your DS is stuck to him like glue while she is there I'm serious!!!

However, why can't they meet somewhere away from your home? couldn't they go grab some pizza or something?


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13803 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I totally understand, but just focus on the security you and TG have built together. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I guess TG just wanted to invite them over for a BBQ. He invites everyone over to our place. I doubt going out even ocurred to him.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

((((hexed))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25687 | Registered: Aug 2011
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

(((hexed)))


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Big hugs. With all the kids around I'm sure it will all be fine.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17485 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

((Hexed))

Be strong. Trust.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

((hexed))

You can do this!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Is it possible for you to focus on the friendships between the kids, and try to view her as just a vehicle, like a stinky old car, that delivers the kids? Sure the thing belches smog, has bad brakes, stains all over the seats and nicotine smears on the windows. But the kids can't decide what brings them there, they just have to go along, and it is bringing them to see their friends.

Maybe let TG know he is responsible for cleaning the oil stains off the driveway when she leaves?


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Calm down Hexed...

You got this and he's cool...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5982 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

The thing that bugs me about this is that TGs kids aren't going to be there. They are back with their mother.

I know there will be some drinking. That always makes me worry. I know that she doesn't have good intentions.

I know that I can trust TG but drunk friends will forever make me feel yucky b/c of X.

Uggh!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

(((hexie)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15412 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

(((hugs)))

You ask for hugs, you are going to get hugs, my friend.

I hope the light of day tomorrow chases these shadowy doubts away!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm actually a bit upset this morning about the whole thing.

I called once b/c I needed to talk to him about something. It was a bit late. He'd obviously had a few. He initiated no contact last night.

I don't feel happy at all.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

He initiated no contact with her last night??

What happened that made him take that action. Of course, I think that is a good course to follow but I assume something must have happened.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I think hexed is saying he didn't contact her (hexed) to say goodnight.

That is a huge issue IMO and the optics on this one are NOT good. I'm pissed for you hexed.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:03 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17485 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

No - She initiated contact with him.

Long story short she fishes a couple times a year. Normally she's several states away. She is from our area and was in town visiting.

I am pissed that after making it clear that I was feeling uncomfortable he couldn't be bothered to text me last night.

Yes there were lots of people around. Unfortunately, I think all of them except my DS would be in favor of this woman and TG getting together. I don't feel happy at all.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Hexed, I'm so sorry for the rough night.

There isn't any reason for me to say all the things running thru my head. You are saying them all to yourself already.

just hugs.............


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

((((((((Hexed)))))))

I don't know what to say, except I'd be pissed as well.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm not mad b/c she and her kids came over. I'm pissed at the lack of consideration for my clearly expressed feelings on the subject.

The longer the morning goes on the more pissed I get. I usually don't hear from him until lunchtime and I know I'm going to be pissed until then.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

It's disrespect. Plain and simple.

If you had been home and invited her and her kids over AS A COUPLE, that would have been perfectly fine.

But if there were people there who aren't friends of the relationship as you've implied, that is a major issue.

That is just rubbing your face in it.

If you flip this and make it you socializing and drinking with someone you had history with while he was out of town and you didn't contact him, how the heck would he feel?

Exactly the same I would imagine.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17485 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

We will be discussing just that. I know its tough to plan things as a couple because of my travel schedule. However, I don't think I'm being insanely jealous by wanting just a little bit of contact from him last night.

I don't normally fuss much about cheating types of things. He knows it. I expressed my concerns and my desire for some contact. He acknowledged it. I didn't spend the evening calling him every 30 minutes. I called once.

This just pisses me off. I am not asking for too much out of this and if I am someone here set me straight b/c I am getting madder and madder

This is creeping up really close to deal breaker territory for me.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Hey hexed,

I am sooo right with you on this one. I would be freaking out. I have to say I am a bit confused as to what exactly happened. You called him and you talked to him because you said he had obviously been drinking. So, then you expected him to text you later? and he didn't? So this is what is making you mad? Is there a chance he didn't think he needed to because you talked? I guess I was just confused on why you are saying you wanted contact with him and you did talk to him?


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

What you are not admitting here is that you don't trust TG. Who cares if the woman has loose morals, gets pissy drunk, whatever. If you trust him and his boundaries are firmly in place, you don't have anything to worry about. This is the crux of the situation.

Yes, it's disrespectful of him to ignore your feelings, but if you trusted him, you might not have these feelings.

You guys have a lot to deal with; I hope it gets straightened out.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20272 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

SadAZ

Its not that I don't trust TG. This is exactly what I explained to him. I'm reliving the situation with my X. No matter how much time goes by certain things will still make me relive my own trust issues.

I explained that to TG last night. "i need a little extra attention tonight" My X would get drunk and behave badly with friends. I never saw it coming. Its not that I don't trust TG, Its that I asked for something small and didn't get it. That is not normally a problem. I don't ask often but when I do. I just tell him I'm a little needy b/c of XYZ and he's usually very good about an extra call or text. Last night, this woman that I don't trust was at my house with TG and I didn't get what I asked for and I'm upset.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Hi Hexed...butting in but this

I'm not mad b/c she and her kids came over. I'm pissed at the lack of consideration for my clearly expressed feelings on the subject.

why aren't you mad that she came over?

From what you posted we know:

A - this woman was an ex girlfriend of sorts

B - she made it clear she wants to be the girlfriend again

C- she repeatedly fishes even though she knows full well about you

She has zero boundaries and no respect for you, your relationship or TG for that matter. There is no way in hell she should be in your home.

That is not about you trusting your SO, it's about respect and common decency. You shouldn't serve milk and cookies to people who seek to stab you in the back.

And question - why does your SO have to be friends with this woman? Really?

She lives far away, makes you feel uncomfortable and is disrespectful. What exactly is the upside?

The kids? If I am correct the kids are older than say 10yrs old? If so, non of the parents need to be involved if the kids want to maintain a long distance friendship. The kids can email and Facebook and Tweet and call each other all they like.

Seriously, I would look to jettison this chick from my life. Part of my new beginning is that I will not allow people who treat me poorly or consistently make me upset any room in my life.

[This message edited by phillygirl at 1:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thinking about you this evening. Sending you mojo for patience and "right words" and peace in your heart for what to say and ultimately do.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

missed this yesterday, looks like hugs are still important(((hexed))) BREATHE, think before you talk, take your time to say what you need to say and remember to listen too.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3205 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

(((hexed)))

He really needs to respect your feelings & she needs to go. He can keep contact with the kids without her - they sound like adults?

Check my profile - exes are not to be trusted, especially the fishing kind. Throw in alcohol & BOOM!!!


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

She is clearly not a "friend of the relationship" so I don't think you need to be ok with it on any level. And for your partner to know how you feel and know where this person stands yet thinks its ok, its not ok. The lack of contact on top of all that, is really just icing on the cake. I would be pissed, so I am not talking you down. Get it out.

Edited to add a hug, because that is what you asked for, not my opinion! (((Hexed)))

[This message edited by ItsNotUitsMe at 7:19 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1038 | Registered: Dec 2008
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

(((hexed))))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4179 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Asking for what you need like a mature participant in a relationship and then NOT getting it is really hard. Unless he said he couldn't give you that extra contact/reassurance. My guess is he said OK but didn't follow through. Ouch. In addition I also don't understand why this woman has to come to your home when you are not there. I'm sure there are some social complexities.

I hope you and TG can talk this through. You guys have a solid history of working through difficult things that have come up. I hope his reassurance is just delayed.

(((((hexed))))))


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone we have talked. I am not 100% OK with things at the moment. I am better but not 100%

We had a good talk but I feel like at a certain point he put up some defensivness. Not the kind b/c he did something wrong. The kind that comes from discomfort and unhealthy communications. I'm also sure he's not 100% comfortable with my position on this.

I believe that we will work through it but we are not there yet. I suspect that this is best left for in person so I have dropped it for now.

There are some social complexities. However that does not excuse being disrespectful. Part of it has to do with it some assumptions on both of our parts. Its a big challenge for us.

We have had successful communication in the past. However, we're not in the same place mentally or physically right now so I'm going to just try and find my own focus and peace until I get home.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Oh HELL fucking NO. I'd be putting my foot down hard-core. I would straight up be like "this is not happening, and if it does, then you've made your choice". And I'd be out of there. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me. Then, you don't hear from him all night? Don't let the door hit ya in the ass!

I think a lot of us who have been burned by "just a friend" would be thinking the same way. WH and I had these similar discussions when I expressed my discomfort at OW and their "friendship". And I got accused of trying to ruin our relationship by not "trusting" him.

It's a slippery slope. Where there is smoke, there is fire. I'd be taking a long hard look at this whole situation, seriously.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 35