SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Frustrated  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Things have been going great lately but I know better then anyone that the more comfortable you get, when the shit finally hits the fan, the bigger the pile is. Ive been to the tippy top and had the ground ripped out from under my feet by the one person whos supposed to help me hold it down. I always thaught he was my best friend, my rock, my kisa. Now im afraid that the second I let my walls come down and let him completely back into my heart, hes just gonna stomp on it and make me regret everything, again. I cannot go through this again. He says he will take an annual polygraph test so that way, every year that passes, I will know hes been keeping his word. Our MC says we are doing great for our age and situation and that hes seen couples twice our age that aren't as wise as we are. I get what hes saying but being wise doesn't garenty fidelity. I want things to keep going good and hope that whats in the past, stays in the past but with no garenties given, I cant make any garenties.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Unfortunately there are no guarantees but there is a lot of hope. People can change I have seen it a lot.

What are you doing for yourself to make you stronger? So that you don't need a kisa?

What is he doing to make himself safe for you?

Even with no new hurt the rollercoaster ride goes on for a while. Hang in there you can make it.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I know I will never really know everything because he can filter what he tells me as much he wants. Ive pre warned him about TT and that the truth is the only way to make this uphill battle any easier for us. I have seen the change in him but its way to early to be sure of any perminance. I do have hope though.
We are in MC and it has helped tremendously, in part by me dragging him into C as soon as he left me. By our second session, a week later, we started to work things out and our MC talked me into staying in the same house, living with my H, as long as I wanted things to work and continue on into R. I am doing alot of planing right now because with 2 kids, little to no support system and his work schedule, I have to have a planed course of action before I take any risks.
He has been very patient and understanding with me and my healing process. I'll be going to college to get my culinary arts associates degree in applied sciences and he says he will do whatever it takes for me to be able to stay in school and get my degree in the 2- 4 years it'll take. I will do it regardless of the extent of his support.
I have been cheated on before in a previous relationship of a year and a half. I know its a long ride, even with a remorseful spouse. Thank you


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Alexisk17
Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you are going through this, our Dday's are close so I'm glad to hear that MC is going well for you two.

Right now on paper our R is going very well. WH is doing everything by the book and has been so sweet. He is doing everything he should right now so I just wish I felt better. I'm just waiting I suppose. For time to pass and prove that R will work or... for him to slip up and prove I'm a fool. It's hard to let that guard down.

Have you been able to voice your anger yet? I'm struggling with this part. I still haven't blown up at him for walking out on us. I can't go there yet but have been trying to slowly release the steam everyday as not to explode. I'm not sure if this is something that I should be working harder at or if it will just come with time...


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
DoneWithLove
Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Thank you, we like going to MC. Oh, I voice my anger and both my H and MC have brought it up. I have blown up on my H several times since R but its getting to be less and less frequent. At first it was almost a daily occurence, now maybe once every two or three weeks. I dont filter or handle bottling things up well, especially since the A. Like when we were seperated, he kept telling me he needed space. When we got back together, I flipped out and told him that if he wants space after what he did, he can leave and never come back and that the only space hes gonna get from me is if hes with her. So space isnt an argument now. Alot of things wouldnt have gotten brought up if I hadn't been so passionate about what I think and feel. He needs to know when your hurting and how to help you when your having a hard time. My H is used to me blowing up and is now very good at navigating my storms. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I'm right here with you. I don't have answers but I know the story.
(((Hugs)))
I guess we just take every day one at a time. There is nothing else to do.
They will do what they do and we will have plans for how to handle the bad stuff and spend a lot of time not really knowing how to handle the good stuff...at least for awhile.
If we choose to stay with them, at some point, we have to try again. Try again to lower the protective walls.
During my H's last debacle, I actually wrote myself a letter to remind me of what kind of person he is as opposed to,how he is when his head is screwed on straight. The only thing that keeps me here besides love is that he is bringing something new to the table...like apologies and remorse. If he weren't, I'd be reading my reminder letter over and over to give me strength as I watched him walk away.
One day at a time.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Topic Posts: 6