New Beginnings
User Topic: t/j You're supposed to intro partners to your X?
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I was reading with fascination the notion that you have language in your DA's stating that you are supposed to introduce a love interest or give a heads up to your X before introducing them to your kids.

Why haven't I heard of this? How could this be enforced? What would the purpose of this be? So you can prep the kids/be a safe place for them to talk later? And again, why haven't I heard of this? Lord knows I'd like to know in advance before STBX introduces the kids to the heroin-dealer (if he hasn't already).

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

X introduced me to ow 2-3 months after the kids met her.

I was dating XSO for almost 2 years when XH's mother introduced them in my driveway.

By the time we were divorced, the morality Claus was moot, he was ready living with her. The only one it would have Affected was me.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

NG I'm not sure it would apply in your case. I dont have kids, but I've seen it mentioned several times on SI among couples who are till civil after their divorces. Remember, most of our divorces don't look anything like yours. It's a matter of wanting to know who is in your kids lives. Imagine if you had a respectful, friendly ex husband; you'd both mutually want what's best for your kids, including both knowing people who would be looking after them, spending time with them, etc.

Your ex belongs in a padded room somewhere, so he isn't likely to care who you bring into their lives or respect you enough to give you the courtesy in return.

ETA I'm sure by now you've learned to pass by situations in S/D that don't apply to you; life after divorce will likely be the same way. Not all situations apply to everyone.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Your ex belongs in a padded room somewhere, so he isn't likely to care who you bring into their lives or respect you enough to give you the courtesy in return.

You can put anything at all in your decree....but getting them to do it is a different thing.

My X isn't to have any non-relative overnight guest when he has visitation. Not only did he have guests - he has moved in his GF and her 18 yr old son with no regards to our agreement.

As for actually meeting her? Nope - he told my kids not to tell me he had a GF because "what I do on my visitation time is none of your mom's business...."


Same guy who lies about where he takes them on vacation (by hundreds of miles) even though the decree says I am to have an address/number incase I need to reach them.

Yes - you can add that to your decree...but if your X is anything like mine, it is like peeing in the wind.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

It is a moral issue and not necessarily a legal one. You can put morality clauses in your agreement, but they are very difficult to enforce.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I don't have it in a formal agreement but advising when someone is going to be introduced to the girls is something we agreed to some time ago.

Of course, he relished the opportunity to spring it on me 20 weeks after S.

IMHO it is important information to have.

I wouldn't want my girls to be the ones to tell him about my SO just as I wouldn't want to hear it from them. Having that heads up helped me prepare myself so I could react appropriately.

I asked him a few questions like age, whether it had kids etc. (not realising at the time that I already knew OWUmpteen, I never suspected her - I trusted her taste more than his fidelity).

I asked these were questions as a mother - not as an XW.

I would never want to meet any of his future victims nor would I ever agree to formally introducing him to my SO.

He is someone I share my children with, not my life.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

X met Aussie pretty early into our relationship, but, so did the kids. Aussie just usually stood behind me at pick up/drop off. Little was said.

I don't ever get to meet X's girlfriends until a few weeks after he moves in with them. So, like, 4 weeks after he meets her.

I don't know how it would be enforced, and I sincerely doubt either of our ex's would follow the rules anyway.

Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.

Posts: 4490 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

"Imagine if you had a respectful, friendly ex husband; you'd both mutually want what's best for your kids, including both knowing people who would be looking after them, spending time with them, etc"

My ex and I are in a pretty heated dispute right now over his SO's last name. They refuse to provide it. They FINALLY-after asking for four months-gave me a contact number for her. This is someone who cares for my son when my ex is out of town, drives with him in her car, and picks him up at school. Yet they claim it's not my right to know this information and that I'm asking for it because I have nefarious "ex-wife" plans., I'm asking for it because she's caring for our child.

Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I don't have any language like that in my agreement. When I asked the mediation attorney about it, she said that we could put it in, but it was highly unenforceable.

I can't say that I'll be worried about that if I ever meet anyone-- XWH happily introduced his AP to our kids without giving me any sort of heads up. He let the kids be the messengers while I struggled not to blow my top in front of them. I'll be extending him the same courtesy when the time comes.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm with Trying.

I knew it was coming at some point, but my X let the kids be the ones to tell me when they met that slob. Unfortunately, he moved into the same apartment house as her before my kids even knew who she was. His rouse of making her out to be just their nice neighbor lady lasted a week until she got impatient and showed my kids a picture of her and him kissing. She's a real peach, that one.

So, I figure when I am ready to introduce an SO to my kids, I will say nothing to him. My kids will tell him all about mommy's boyfriend. Same thing if the guy ever sleeps over or moves in.

That asshole will get the exact same courtesy that I got from him. And, in my heart, I know it will hurt him. He can't hurt me anymore now that we are D and he's with her. But I have a whole lot of hurt left to give to him when he gets to see evidence of the great life I am living and will continue to live without him.

And, fwiw, I think that POS OW is scared to death to meet me. We ran into them when I was out with the kids one day. She wouldn't turn around and looked stiff as a petrified turd sitting in her chair.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 10