SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Patience and Reconciling
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I'm in a good place in life. Been away from SI for a couple months for various reasons. I didn't need this place, Didn't feel compelled to come here. Only thought about it when my wife would ask my opinion on something she's read or to talk about something else. I feel I've entered a place in life where SI isn't important.

That's good. I feel good about that. I've absolutely appreciated the support I've received from the site and am incredibly thankful for its existance and all the wonderful members here, yet my ultimate goal has always been to move forward in life and heal from my wife's affair. I'm on my way. I finally can say that I feel my sadness slowly lifting and I am feeling good about life. About myself. About my wife. I'm healing. Which is nice.

My wife though, she struggles. The past month and a half have brought a lot of stressful situations into our lives and she struggles to maintain her new better coping mechanisms. Yet she does, not without problems though. She has a tendency of closing off and becoming very defensive. Weirdly enough she's better than she has ever been in that regard, something she doesn't see. She has this vision for herself, that we both know she can achieve, but isn't there yet so she gets angry at herself. She is still too hard on herself. She can still paint an overly negative picture of herself that doesn't truly reflect reality but that will take time to overcome. A lot of the issues she has will take time. Time and effort.

And that's why patience is important. People, regardless of their label or place in life, need time. Very few people spontaneously change. Even my wife with her mental breakdown didn't change overnight (though it sure seemed like it to me). The cracks in her foundation were always there and the major blows to her mental state were ongoing for at least two years prior, as well as her "wayward behaviour" exhibiting itself for months prior to doing anything. And just as she didn't turn for the worst overnight, nor will she recover and become better in that fashion. I wish she would have patience with herself.

She's currently having an incredibly difficult time dealing with her guilt. I've been watching her ability to compartmentalize errode and disappear. In turn all aspects of her life are finally coming to a place as a whole for once.. She's not used to this like I am. She's learning an entirely new way of life and rejecting what she was. That's difficult. Because of this though she's truly realizing that, yes she did indeed have sex with someone else. Yes she did hurt me and nearly ruined her entire life for pretty much nothing. She accepted these things occurred and that she was responsible but it's the full realization of the actuality of the events. They truly did happen. And as she gets healthier the pain she feels from her past actions is amplifying. She's struggling with accepting things happened and we're moving on. I'm already okay with that. I'm already okay with the fact she had sex with someone else and didn't care about her actions at the time.

I'm sure that statement may ruffle some people's sense of semantics. But I really am okay with it. Not that she did it, but that it happened. Some may call that acceptance, for me, they're really just random interchangeable words. Forgiveness, mistakes, fault, blame, lying, fog, love and so on. All words that only hold the meaning we want them to. Each individual person has a different personal meaning for certain words and I see too often some are caught up on what anything means. Here on SI there are plenty of debates and discussions about things that are uniquely individual. Case in point I mentioned to my wife a thread I read on here months ago about "I don't believe waywards can love during their affair" that had all sorts of views on the subject. Really though, only what I think in that regard matters. Not some other person, and I'm prone to thinking for myself. (in this regard, I do believe my wife loved me then, which makes her actions worse). For me though, I've quit caring what words mean to anyone but myself.

That in itself has created an interesting dynamic with my wife. She has no clue how I can forgive hers still, how I can look past the terrible things she did and still love her and want to be with her. And I do, very much so. She is still my everything and I admire, adore and just downright love her. My life would suck without her, period. That's how I feel and I'm okay with that too.

Which is something I think has been important for me in the past couple months. I've reconciled with myself. When our spouses betray us and destroy the very ground beneath our feet we enter what feels like an unreal nightmare. Only we can truly crawl out of the pit we find ourselves in. Sure a remorseful wayward can be instrumental in the healing process, but healing oneself only honestly needs you. To do that though you have to realize that you've changed your view on things, altered your morals, battled with your ethics and much more. This shit tests not just the relationship but us to our very cores. We need to find peace with that.

I accept that my wife was once a cheater. I accept that she betrayed me. I accept the past is not the present. I accept that she may still one day do it again despite everyone's efforts involved. I accept that despite all that we can have a great future together and are working toward that which is more important. I accept that she inflicted me with great personal emotional pain that may linger with me for life in some capacity. I accept this shit only affects me as much as I let it. I accept that she loves me and struggles with the consequences of her choices. I accept that she has had lifelong issues that reared their head in the worst way and her actions literally had nothing to do with me. I accept that all things considered we have a good life together and have a wonderful relationship. I accept all that and more.

And I accept that I'm okay with all of that and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. That being okay with my feelings and how I view my life is perfectly acceptable and I don't need to prove to anyone anything at all about it (barring my wife of course). That's an incredibly important piece of this entire thing. At least for me. I've reconciled with my role in our relationship, within my life, what has happened, how I feel about it all and where I want to go and what I will accept.

I will accept nothing less than the wonderful woman my wife can be. Which is taking her time. Which is okay because I'm patient and I understand it's a long (lifelong really) process. She'll get there and I believe we'll have the life we want. In the mean time there will be guilt to battle, triggers to work through (gone a month since my last spontaneous crying fit - yay, seriously), issues to work out and more importantly life to live.

I have a good life. I have an intelligent, funny and beautiful best friend that I hopefully get to spend my life with. I have a wonderful and adorable daughter. And our son is turning into a mini me before my eyes and just like his daddy seems to think just about everything is funny. At least the nearly constant smiling and now giggling seems to indicate such. Other aspects of my life are also coming together nicely and I appreciate the life I have. It's worth living, so that's what I intend to do.

Anyways, I thought I'd pop in here and share my thoughts before we move. Thanks to all those here on SI who help those in need and the staff for running the site.

Thanks for reading.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

You sound like a thoughtful and centered person. Best of luck to you ad you move forward.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

It's lovely to read such a positive post! Thanks for updating us on your progress.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Only we can truly crawl out of the pit we find ourselves in. Sure a remorseful wayward can be instrumental in the healing process, but healing oneself only honestly needs you. To do that though you have to realize that you've changed your view on things, altered your morals, battled with your ethics and much more. This shit tests not just the relationship but us to our very cores. We need to find peace with that.

Simply, yes.

Tell FR I said hi. Good luck with your move.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 26th (Friday)

This is one of the best threads I've read on here for a while. I can relate.

I was just talking to my husband about similar points like the random interchangeable words and everyone needing to be on the path to healing that works for them. It's funny how a post on SI pops up and resonates just when you are thinking the same thing yourself.

I finally can say that I feel my sadness slowly lifting and I am feeling good about life. About myself. About my wife. I'm healing. Which is nice.

Other aspects of my life are also coming together nicely and I appreciate the life I have. It's worth living, so that's what I intend to do.

Good luck on your move and with the latest addition to your family.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I sure like your posts. Thanks for contributing.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the recovery process. I especially relate to the role of acceptance and the form that takes. SI is an invaluable resource. Having never been through this, I needed a lot of guidance and support. I still read here daily at 10 months out but don''t respond nearly as much.

A new baby brings such hope for the future! Enjoy.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Well I wish I could reach that acceptance portion but I cannot. It feels like I'm saying it was ok. I will have less of a marriage because of it but i wont be less of a person..,
So, kudos to you!!!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5050 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Wonderful post! My d day was almost exactly a year to the day after yours. If I can have this level of peace and self assurance in one year I will be thrilled. One of my biggest issues with R is dealing with the shame of letting someone do this to me and not kicking him to the curb, but your words put forgiveness in a much better light. Thank you for this encouraging story.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Thanks for the replies. Glad my post resonated with others.

rachelc,

That's somewhat my point about random interchangeable words and semantics really.

You and I do not view or think of the word acceptance in the same way. For me it does not mean I'm saying what she did was okay (quite the contrary). nor do we have less of a marriage as a result (I've never been prone to grading something like that), and I'm definitely not less of a person (or my wife for that matter).

I've just accepted that it happened, I cannot alter it and I want us to move on with life, a changed life, and do our best to be happy with ourselves and together.


Tripletrouble,

I understand your sense of shame in that regard. Which is where you must reconcile with
yourself, though that takes time. Find acceptance in your own choices. I battled with that idea for (at least to me) what seemed like a long time. "Why am I still here?" was a question I kept asking myself for nearly 5 months until I realized I'd forgiven her for being a troubled broken person who wanted to do the right thing after doing something terribly wrong. Honestly when I boil it down I just love my wife. It's always been that simple for me. Of course it helped tremendously that she was remorseful from D-Day forward. She's not the best or
model wayward but she's mine and I love her all the same.

My level of peace and self assurance come as a result of continuous work I've done on myself for years now. Which started well before anything happened with my wife. I've had quite the troubled trauma filled life which left me bitter, spiteful, rage filled and pessimistic. I didn't like being that way so set forth in changing who I was into who I wanted to be. In some weird way her affair has been a trial by fire for my own better coping mechanisms and healthy thought processes.

That's why sometimes I appreciate people thinking highly of my insight and how I've been recovering, but I wish they'd realize it came at
the cost of lifelong emotional pain and trauma.

My life and how I've coped with things gave me tools to handle the aftermath of my wife's affair in a way other people don't have. A key issue
being my mother's literal abandonment of me as a teenager (she honestly pretty much left me to die) and the 11 year struggle I had with that until her death played a key role in developing the ability to handle my wife's affair the way I have (though all the abuse dealt with throughout life was influential too). I've mainly been focusing on self improvement and fulfilling who I wish to be. That in turn reflects well on recovery.

At my current rate I'll probably go full Ghandi within a couple years. Loincloth included.

A post I think well of that I wrote a few months ago reflects where my mind has been for a while and you may find it useful as others did.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=494245&HL=36317

Anyways, thanks for the replies.

[This message edited by VD2012 at 7:47 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
SuperDad
New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you VD2012. At this point I need to see the hope.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11