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User Topic: R breaks down every time WH shares a new detail/angle of A
wishmewell
New Member
Member # 39999
Stop  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Almost every day, my BW wants to know more details of the A or clarification of my sentiments towards OW. After I oblige and tell the truth, often something she suggested first and I confirm it like "did you think about meeting her when I was away on a business", she breaks down completely, crying, despising me and then becomes very aggressive. She wants me to tell the full truth, but me telling just seems to hurt her so much that she loses complete self control. This has become a recurring pattern which renders our lives a nightmare. I now feel anxious talking to her about A because she might bring up an aspect that will cause our communications to break down again.


A: ~1.5 years.
D-day of EA: 12th May, 2013.
Me: WH, 41.
BW, 55.
OW, 34.
In limbo, but feels like hell.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Request for clarification: what I'm hearing you say, is that you are intentionally not telling her the whole truth, because you don't want to hurt and upset her.

Is that the case?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Make sure you tell her everything and make sure it's the truth. I TT'd at the beginning because I didn't want to cause the same things and now I'm way behind on healing. It also made the trust issues worse. In my case if my BW was asking it was because she wanted to know. I know it hurt her but she doesn't have the answers, only you do.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 26th (Friday)

She just recently found out about you cheating, and she isn't handling well enough, fast enough, and HER reactions are rendering your lives a nightmare.. Think about that for a minute.
Your actions blew her world up and you are tapping your watch and wanting her to heal like you think she should and accept it, be good with it and move on.....Wow.
My friend, you crushed her. And I'm sure you want it to go away. it's hard to look at the damage you caused..I've been there. But your focus she be about her healing, you have to remember something. She never asked for or wanted any of this! You poured this shit on her. You have to be the
Proactive one to help her clean it up. And guess what, you are going to get shit all over you. I know that when she is aggressive and hating you and telling how crappy you are that it gets frustrating. This is when you dig in and show her you are here for her. You are still worrying about your
Discomfort- there is no shortcut. You are going to have to go over and over the heat wrenching details, when she asks something-elaborate(kindly), I wish I would have done this. The only one not talking about it helps is you.
This is your wife and she is hurting. Remember that

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 9:34 AM, July 26th (Friday)]


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Keep telling her the truth. Of course it is going to hurt her to hear it. But it will be a tangible answer rather than something that she will continue to wonder about if you don't give any answer at all.

I'm a bit worried by your statement that you "oblige to tell the truth." Taken as is, it sounds like you're making some sort of reluctant gesture that you want some credit for doing, when really, telling out spouses the truth should be our desire. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong, but I thought I'd bring it up.

Not sure if you've seen it written anywhere yet, but it is often said that it isn't the A that kills the M, it's the lies. Not that you're lying, but not telling the truth or giving answers is what will put the finishing touches on the demise of your M.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
hopefor1day
New Member
Member # 39815
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I did the same thing that you have done in the beginning. I only told my BS things that I thought satisfied him for the time being. I was so scared to tell him what I did and the bad things I had done. I was so scared that he would leave me that I didnt want to talk about what happened. He would badger me with questions and then I would crack and tell him more. This lasted 2 years too long. I should have told him everything the first time and not held it all in. That's the worst. He says he can forgive the A but has a hard time forgiving the lying and trickle truth. As hurt as she is hearing the truth she will be hurt even more if she finds out you are not telling her everything. Once my husband said "try me you never know" and that meant that had I just told him everything and come out with the truth on my own he could have trusted me more that I did that on my own and not when I was forced to tell him something. It meant that I was willing to possibly lose it all on a whim that he would appreciate me telling the truth. I would say this to you...tell her all of it. Get it out now and you will be that much closer to a chance at R than what you will have 2 years from now when you are still coming out with little truth at a time. Good luck! I wish you the best and have some faith...you never know how it will turn out.


FWS Me 32
BS Him 36
“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.”

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 6