User Topic: Domino effect
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 26th (Friday)

History: DD 3/13, BH had two OW at work, one he met outside work. Over three years he admits to EA with no PA. All three were with him at confrences and one was at our house when I was out of town. He admits to intent only. Intent makes me feel just as betrayed. We have been separated since DD. I threw him out and he is acting like a victim as a result. We are both in IC and MC. He is blame shifting, calling me selfish for always asking ? About A and accussing him of lying.

Now: I sought L advice because he was starting to get angry and entittled and and trying to bully his way back in the M. I was advised that I should have 5 months emergency funds stashed away. I opened my own account and moved slightly more than half our savings money so it could be used only in an emergency to protect myself.

First domino: I explained to him that I needed this because I didn't trust him to pay our bills and in case of D I needed to have this so I would feel less vulnerable. I told him I thought we should still continue with MC and decide together if we should R or D and that I have not decided yet just making sure I was prepared.

Next Domino: I get crickets from him as to what he is thinking. He takes all the money out of our checking as I did not touch this because we have bills. All checks start to bounce. Still no return calls or text from him. I go to the bank and use emergency funds I just set aside to square the checking account.

Now what do I do? He has become angrier and angrier at me. He feels I am selfish and unforgiving and trying to control the situation. He acts like the victim. My MC says he is full of rage and anger and maybe we can get through this with time.

Do you think I poked the tiger and ruined any chance that we may have had at R? I just felt so powerless and the more angrier he was becoming the more desperate I was to make sure I had the money to protect myself. The thing is it felt so unnatural for me to act sneaky and take the money behind his back. I felt I could not share my plan and why until I had secured the money. Now I feel I will be forced to file as he will pull his paycheck, hence next two dominos. I'm not exactly ready to D yet and to throw away 17 years of M. Any thoughts for those of you who were here? I will also post in other threads.

This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 26th (Friday)


I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any experience to offer.

Posting a question in the General or the D/S forums might get you some more experience.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Do you think I poked the tiger and ruined any chance that we may have had at R? I just felt so powerless and the more angrier he was becoming the more desperate I was to make sure I had the money to protect myself.

You have not ruined any chance at R.

He has rejected your offer of R. Repeatedly (lying about A's, acting like a victim, blame shifting, calling you selfish for asking questions, bullying, draining the checking acct in order to make checks bounce).

So there was never a chance of him being in R.

A normal remorseful man would be devastated to realize he had made his wife feel that threatened and insecure.

Your WH wants you to behave on HIS terms, thus the bullying.

He has no intentions, at this point, of changing himself. Considering his Dday was 4.5 months ago, it is unlikely he will suddenly decide to change.

Go see the lawyer again and get yourself protected.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 26th (Friday)

PM for you eyes.

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37402 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 4