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User Topic: It's just porn, and all men do it so it isnt cheating.(from him)
Naunett
New Member
Member # 40007
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 26th (Friday)

I have been married for 3 weeks. I have been with him for 2 years. after the first year, we moved in together and I noticed a change in him. I would wake up at night and he would be in the bathroom....he said he was having stomach issues.

Then I started back to school after 20 years, and I caught him red handed. literaly. We had an extra room where he would wait until I was gone to go in and watch porn on his phone and masturbate. it got so bad that when we were intimate, he couldnt get it up. I found a full load of clothes in this room that he had used for his "skeet".

He promised me no more, I caught him like 2 more times. then we were good, it was done. the i noticed he had this new app on his phone that he said was to help him watch youtube vids. I found out this week that it was so he would watch porn, and look at pictures and masturbate. He had forgotten to clear his phone.

A friend directed me to this site before I had the chance to confornt him, and I am so glad. I had the tools to have a go at him when he came home. When I explained he cheated on me sexually and emotionally with another woman, and what went into it, he was agreeable. He said he understood.

yesterday I had a panic attack so bad, I was shaking when he got home. I told him how I was feeling..how HE made ME feel, he was understanding at first, then he blew up..."All men whack off and look at porn!" He said..."And if they say they dont. they are liars or it doesnt it work, I dont get your issue, it must be a woman thing because I did not cheat on you. it was just a picture!"

I told him how about this being a human thing, how about the fact that YOU hurt another human, made them feel pain because of your actions....can you understand that! and I told him this BS abbout all men do it....so what? it should be accepted? what is it that all women do, that devistate men, but the excuse is...well all wommen do it, so it' okay? he had no answer.

He will over talk me, yell at me, leave the room while still grumbling.

I laid down the law. I tuned the data off on his phone, it will never be turned back on. He is no longer allowed to drink as well because he has a binge drinking problem, and when he does that, the worst idea sounds like the best in his state.

He has agreed wiht this...so far, I need some advice on how to keep up with the follow through. to let him know this is it, there are no other chances, he changes like the wind. if I catch him in a lie, all he says is "SO!" like a child. Or, I did it like 2 days ago...this is when after he quit smoking I would catch him doing that as well. The man seems to do what he wants, when he wants, and when he sees he has hurt you, he is sorry....for like a second, then he brushes off, and trips on down the road happy as a lark with hurting victims in his wake...

how do I get through to him. i want this marriage to work. I love this man with every thing I have. Help me please.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 26th (Friday)

First, you have to acknowledge there is a problem.

Second you have to acknowledge you have no control over him addressing it.

I don't know where you are...but you should do a web search for "S-Anon Local Meetings" and find one.

Your H has an addiction to porn and if he is like mine, it's gone on a very long time - probably since childhood. He also has some type of intimacy issue and possibly some type of control issue - like he wants to control you by being emotionally unavailable to you.

It sucks. It's hard. But you will get through this. It is NOTHING you have done. But controlling him and laying down the law and not allowing him to do this or that (while I agree it's logical for him to avoid situations that make him slip up - addicts don't think like we do). What he needs to to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (psychology today) and start treatment. You also could benefit from counseling with one as well. As well as couples therapy.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Welcome to SI. From your post it sounds like you have put some good boundaries in place and are looking to address the problems.

how do I get through to him. i want this marriage to work. I love this man with every thing I have. Help me please.

Unfortunately there is no guarantee that you will get through to him. He could easily be in what we call "the fog". I would stick to your plan. Watch for him to try and talk you out into loosening the "rules". Watch for actions that back up the words he speaks.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52682 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I guess I just don't get it.
Other than him having a hard time performing with you..
You gotta know masturbation and porn are very normal for all MEN. Starts at a very young age for many. to say he is cheating is a little over the top IMO..
Just my thoughts - Coming from a MAN

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 26th (Friday)

In general I agree with Naunett, speaking as a man. Naunett has boundaries that should not be crossed by her spouse. Those boundaries include masturbating to porn.

HOWEVER, it's something that should probably have been sussed out before she and he were married. Many men, married or not, like to masturbate to porn. It's quite common, as Mathews pointed out, although I don't agree that ALL men do it.

The other issue is that Nanuett's spouse couldn't perform with her, and could only get off from porn. THAT's a problem, and is indicative of something more serious.

Naunett I am so sorry for your pain. You've been married for as long as I've known about my own wife's cheating. These are horrifying times.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 26th (Friday)

this is NOT something ALL men do. There are many men here on SI who have no use for porn.

Porn takes intimacy away from a marriage. It gives false expectations.

If you have told your WS that porn is not ok with you..that it hurts you..then he should stop. You are his wife and your feelings should take priority over spanking it to some whore on a screen.

Porn can be an addiction. I had no problem with porn..at first. We even watched it together. Then I found the hidden porn..and he became too tired to have sex with me,but had no problem whacking it to porn every day. It started to replace me..his wife..I was young,attractive,in great shape,willing and adventurous..and he chose it over me. He has admitted that hiding porn got him off..that sneaking it was exciting. So let's see..he was hiding,lying,excited by the "getting away with it" factor..all of these things contributed to him cheating on me with a live person.

Porn can be considered cheating. If it is something you are not ok with..if it takes away the intimacy in the marriage..if he starts to expect you to act like the whores on the screen..it's a problem.

And,again,not all men are into this. We have many men here who have said they respect their wives and their marriages and have no use for porn.

Now..if your spouse is ok with porn..then good for you. But not all spouses are. And many,many people consider it a form of cheating. YMMV.

If you don't want it in your marriage,tell him. if he refuses to respect that,knowing it is hurting you,then you have a serious problem.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:49 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Oh crazy issue for me.

I blameshift the demise of my M onto porn.

Made me crazy mad in the beginning, then transitioned to feeling ugly, unwanted, and unloved, then transitioned into trying to understand and participate then transitioned to WTF - no, not all men do as much as him, LIE. I was point blank asking some very blunt male friends.

One gave some great insight - if he's doing it when you are around (i.e. not just when he's wanting and has no outlet)and hiding it then something is majorly broke.

I tried expressing this to H. He has 100 excuses.

So now instead of being something "normal" to be discussed and dealt with in a relationship it has become a major hurdle/boundary problem.

FWIW - I played his semantics game and said "ok, its not cheating, but it sucks and it makes me feel sucky, is that how you want to feel in a marriage?" Its still an issue. And my blameshifting comes when I get to thinking it was like a gateway drug to cheating.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I didn't say all men watch PORN.. But 99.9 % of men have masterbated. Speaking as a man , I would never chose porn over my wife, now that is a problem. We don't need to discuss when a man needs more sex than a wife can provide and then masterbate's.. Another topic I suppose. Sorry for your pain Naunett

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 26th (Friday)

If you are more intimate with porn than you are with your spouse then it is a problem.

If someone is putting time, energy, and effort into getting off to porn vs. spending time with their spouse and trying to be fulfilled through real intimacy vs. fantasy then yes, it is a problem.

He is also LYING about a lot of things. HIDING things, SNEEKING around... hmmm...how many of us have seen these signs in a full blow affair?

Naunett if you don't want him doing this then that is your choice. He can either comply or not. But set your boundaries and be prepared to stand your ground.

(((gently))) What you have described is that he is addicted to porn, he's a binge drinker, he smokes which you don't like and he acts like a child when you attempt to have a meaningful conversation with him. May I ask what positive you are getting out of this relationship?

Hang in there. You have the right to define your boundaries.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 26th (Friday)

So, 1Faith, what were you doing 10 years ago when I said yes to M?

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Masturbating is one thing. Using images of other women to get off..to fantasize about fucking..that's too much for some women..and that's ok.

There are some couples on here who, in light of their new marriage after the affair,have a new "rule" that there is to be no sexual release without the other present. It works for them.

Look..Im not against porn necessarily..I am against porn when it replaces the wife..or when the wife says it hurts her and the husband continues to do it. It's disrespectful and humiliating. If both people in the marriage are cool with it..great. but if its hurting one of them,it needs to stop. Or a compromise must be reached that satisfies both. Unless you're dealing with a SA or porn addict..then no porn is acceptable.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:23 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 26th (Friday)

"All men whack off and look at porn!"

No they don't.

But I did before marriage, stopped when we got married, I felt it was too disrespectful to JNRPA.

Plus, I don't want my dead relatives watching me!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Cool  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Jennifer

I was raising three babies, working full time and thinking I was living a real and meaningful life with a husband that would never cheat on me...

Didn't mean to sound judgmental just hoping to save Naunett some of the pain we all have experienced...

(((hugs to all)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 26th (Friday)


I’m sorry you find yourself here.

I don’t know, I’ve always been of the opinion that if you have to police a grown adult’s behavior 24 hours a day by giving them ultimatums, taking away their privileges and constantly monitoring their actions to see if they’re breaking the new rules, then you’ve already lost the battle.

Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to do these things on his OWN for the better of your marriage, he’s just going to resent you for enforcing these rules on him and he’ll see you as a controlling nag. I just don’t see this ending well for you at all.

I do wish you luck and peace of mind.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 26th (Friday)

1Faith - i didn't think you sounded judgmental - I just wish I had your words before I married!

Or at least not been so naive, immature, etc. I liked what you said.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Jennifer

(((hugs))) Life...one big learning experience.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Naunett
New Member
Member # 40007
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I found out about the porn and masturbation before we were married. I told him for us to go any further, he needs to understand how I feel about it, and that it can not continue. He agreed. I am torn between walking out. and staying in hopes that we can work this out. I'm just to messed up right now to make a solid decision.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Faith -

Naunett - yep, same here. I can tell you 9 years of together/not married, 10 years of married - I never won the porn battle and now I am here for an EA (who knows if PA) WH.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I guess I just don't get it.
Other than him having a hard time performing with you..
You gotta know masturbation and porn are very normal for all MEN. Starts at a very young age for many. to say he is cheating is a little over the top IMO..
Just my thoughts - Coming from a MAN

I don't know . . . finding a whole load of jizz-clothes piled up in his porn room - and he can't get it up for sex with a real person - sounds like an issue.

I've been in the position where my H was pushing me away and staying up to watch porn while I'd fall asleep hoping he'd want to come to bed and have sex. It sucks.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Naunett

You don't have to decide anything today. Just equip yourself with knowledge.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library as this may help you find some focus and strength.

No judgment - just concern.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I've been in the position where my H was pushing me away and staying up to watch porn while I'd fall asleep hoping he'd want to come to bed and have sex. It sucks.

Sing it, sister. I worked hard to have the body I do because I want to please my wife. At 47 I have the libido of someone in their late 20s. I would have sex 1-2 times per day every day if I could. But I want it with the person I'm connected to, the person I married.

For months my wife would come to bed and roll over to go to sleep. I wanted intimacy. She was avoiding it.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Jammy19
New Member
Member # 39955
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 26th (Friday)

my husband has an addiction to porn and chat rooms..only he wont come clean. I have foudn emails to sleezy guirls, intercpeted calls form companies sending himn porn, foudn links for chat rooms and apps on his phoen all of which he didnt do. He has been against porn since the 21 years Ive known him, and now I find hes been living this double life..He wont come clean. These girls are 18 - 21 years old. hes 54....its sick!! I am tired of the lies and all the stuff I keep finding that is digusting and sick. I feel berayed. I had a test for stds and thank God I have none. I am not into porn and just want him to own up to it, too me its cheating. plain and simple and makes me feel inadequate and ugly


never underestimate the power of you. For life is a journey and we are in control of every path we choose.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Naunett, so sorry you are here.

My WH is a sex addict and he has said the same things about porn that your H has: "all men look at porn and masturbate." Well, that's all well and good, but if it's interfering with your sex life and it is hurting YOU, then there is a problem.

OTOH, if he's looking at porn and masturbating, but you still have a wonderful, emotionally connected M and sex life, then all would be fine. But I bet that's not the case, is it? How does waiting until you are asleep and then sneaking into the other bedroom to watch porn and masturbate make you feel? Does your H feel the secrecy and hiding are all what "all men do" and part of a normal, healthy M?

In the end what matters is not what everyone else is or isn't doing, it's what are you willing to tolerate in your M. Everyone else in the world could be doing something, but if it's not ok with you in YOUR M, then your H needs to honor and respect your wishes. If he doesn't, it's your choice to accept that treatment or show him the door.

Some resources for sex addiction are sexhelp.com (there's a free online test that your H can take). The same website will direct you to a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) in your area. These are the only types of therapists that can treat sex addiction; most regular therapists will be snowed by a sex addict because they are so cunning and deceptive. I went to go see the CSAT first for myself to gather information and it was very helpful. You may consider doing the same for yourself.

In the end, this will be your journey; you will have to decide what you are going to do and on what timetable. You are the only one who knows your life completely and you are the best one to make these decisions.

Hugs to you - this is so hard.

I started this post this morning, so sorry if I am missing some information that was posted later.

ETA: I hit send too soon.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 4:13 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 26th (Friday)

If he's hiding it and can't be intimate with you, you certainly should be concerned. My H is also addicted to porn. It escalated to chatting with random women, having a 5 year long EA (with a friend online who was just 'dying' to send him naked pictures) and had started looking around for prostitutes. I shudder to think what would have happened over the years if I didn't catch him. Don't back down on this issue! It will only get worse. I second the idea of finding a S-ANON meeting. They've been a godsend for me!


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 772 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Porn addiction is real. It can be a gateway to more serious acting out or it can stay with just porn. There is very effective treatment available, but that treatment won't be worth a darn unless your H wants treatment.

If you push/control/manipulate him into therapy, its likely to be a lot of wasted time and money.

That is why you have to just figure out what you need to take care of you. You set your boundaries and then stick to them.

If you want to ensure he gets sober and into recovery before you consider staying married, before you let him back home, before_________ - whatever you need to do to protect you from being hurt further by him - then set that boundary and stick to it. Four your sake.

Yours.

You cannot have a healthy M unless you have 2 healthy people. He needs to work on that.

Our experience with Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) have been load better than counselors who claimed they knew how to treat sex addiction.

You can find a CSAT in your geographic area here:

http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists

Protect you. This is no fun, but it is possible to get healthy, alone or together. We have.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 26th (Friday)

It doesn't matter if all men do or not, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it makes you feel uncomfortable. That it is interfering with your sex life is not reasonable.

Though, I dunno who keeps a closet full of skeet shooting clothes that haven't been cleared off the range, so to speak. That's sounds unhygienic at the very least. That place must reek of stale pancakes, damn. That on its own points towards the "Needs to re evaluate his habits" slice of the WTF pie.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Forgot to add: read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Changed my life. It will open your eyes to how you will not be able to police him 24/7. If he wants to look at porn, he'll find a way to do it. It is painful, but it will set you free.

Also, please start seeing an IC for yourself.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Mack25
New Member
Member # 38913
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I will somewhat agree with yor husband. All (or 99.9%) of men mansturbate. And probably 95% of men look at porn from time to time. The ones that don't are most likely hiding it.

There is a problem when it replaces sex with a spouse.

Have you evr tried watching with him? May get you back into contact with him if you say you only want him watching it with you.


BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
Married 5/5/2001
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Mack, I think you are giving Naunette misguided information.

He is having erectile dysfunction with her. He is waiting until she goes to bed and masturbating to porn, so much so that he has a wad of ejaculate-covered clothing in the spare room. These can be signs that the porn-watching has crossed the threshhold from "harmless fun" into addiction.

As my SAWH's CSAT told me, NO real woman can compete with pornography. There is such variety, all with a few clicks of a mouse. It is extreme stimulation that real women cannot compete with. This deadens the porn watchers desire for sex with their spouse and leads to symptoms such as ED, etc.

There are also deeper issues that lead to sex addiction such as childhood sexual abuse, inappropriately close relationship with one's mother (mother enmeshment), desire to avoid emotional intimacy. So this is a complex problem that you may not know much about.

I don't think your suggestion of her watching porn with him is going to fix this, but that is my opinion.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Numbandnas,

While everybody is 100% correct, if his jerking and porn interfere with the sex life of the marriage, then there is a huge problem.. But to say that no real women can compete with porn is very wrong... I watch porn almost weekly, but can it compete with my wife,,,, not EVEN MAYBE.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I must see this differently than most 'cause I just don't get it. I don't see how H can be labeled a sex addict from what has been described in this post. Why is everyone so quick to assume that is the problem? I would ask for more information before making this leap. How often does he masterbate? Is it in addition to sexual relations with you? Does it disrupt other areas of his life? Does he do it at inapropriate times or places? Does he spend crazy amounts of money on it? Just to throw out a few.

There is a difference between masterbating in a healthy human way and it being problem behavior. I just don't see where this has crossed the line into problem behavior. (maybe it has, I just don't see it from this post)

I have to agree with the men who posted earlier-most men look at porn and masterbate. In fact most women do too.(how many have read 50 shades of grey?-"lady porn" thats all that is.) Masterbation is a healthy part of human sexuality. It is not disgusting or "wrong" although many people think so beacuse of upbringing or religoius teachings etc. Could any of this be coming into play for you? Could your attitudes about masterbation/porn be very different from his? That doesn't make either one right or wrong-just different. That is something that would need to be openly discussed to try and gain some understanding and middle ground you both can live with. And as for him going to another room or waiting until you go to sleep-that sounds like normal behavior to me. I doubt he is going to announce that he's gonna rub one out in the other room so please excuse him for a few minutes. He is going to wait until he alone and in a private setting.

As for his erectile problems-are you SURE they are because of the porn/masterbation. It could be for a lot of other reasons. Health, age, medications, pressure. From your post I am not so sure you know what the reasons of his ED are-maybe you are assuming to know. You are making it be "about you" and maybe its not. My H had ED problems from a blood pressure medication. It took several months to sort out. During this time he was unable to stay aroused with me. He was however able to masterbate (and yes, with porn) to completion. At first I assumed the ED was because of me. But then he explained to me that he was embarrassed by the erectile disfunction and that he felt pressure to perform with me. That combo made it nearly impossible to stay aroused. He had no such pressure when masterbating. And could do it to completion with no problems.

When I explained he cheated on me sexually and emotionally with another woman.

I gotta be honest when I say that I think this is a little bit of a stretch. Do you really think that he has been with another women emotionally through porn? Porn is visual, porn is fantasy. No emotions involved. (That's why porn movies have such crappy storylines and acting. Not needed in that genre!)And he wasn't with another woman sexually. He was with another woman in his mind-in fantasy land. I bring it up because he will have some different issues to work on than others here who engaged in PAs.

friend directed me to this site before I had the chance to confornt him, and I am so glad. I had the tools to have a go at him when he came home

Have a go at him? You were on the attack (all of us BS can understand) but being on the attack is not going to open lines of communication, nor make him want to open up and have an honest dialogue with you. Maybe that's where his "grumbling" comes from.

I think that you both could benefit greatly from IC as there is a lot more going on here in addition to the porn/masterbating. The binge drinking, communication breakdowns, lack of understanding (on both sides) need to be addressed to create a stronger more intimate relationship. I think that focusing on just the porn/masterbating part is not going to be enough.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
numbandnauseous
Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Mathews - my SAWH's CSAT was the one that said that no real women can compete with porn, not I. It sounds like you are not a sex addict and have a healthy attraction and connection with your wife whilst being able to view porn as well. This is not true for SAs. I am not saying that no one should watch porn (I have watched porn and would have watched it with my WH before his SA diagnosis), but when your partner is clearly distressed by it and your sex life with your spouse is non-existent, it is probably a good idea to look into not watching the porn until you figure things out.

canteat - I have never said that naunette's H has a sex addiction. I merely said she should look into that possibility.

ED is common in SAs, so that is another red flag, as well as the binge drinking. SAs often have multiple addictions.

I agree that there could be other causes for the ED and those should be explored.

I don't feel it is "normal behavior" for a man to wait for his wife to leave and go to another room and masturbate when he is not having sex with his wife. From the tone of her post, it sounds like he did this frequently and didn't appear to be trying to fix marital relations with his wife.

Here is naunette's initial post so you can reread her words. She has not been ok with his porn even before they got M (from her 2nd post on this thread). She is probably angry from the betrayal, but also the years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, lying, minimizing, avoiding, being emotionally immature. He clearly has an addictive behavior pattern (smoking, drinking and now possible sex addiction) and she is trying to control his actions as all good codependents do.

I have been married for 3 weeks. I have been with him for 2 years. after the first year, we moved in together and I noticed a change in him. I would wake up at night and he would be in the bathroom....he said he was having stomach issues.
Then I started back to school after 20 years, and I caught him red handed. literaly. We had an extra room where he would wait until I was gone to go in and watch porn on his phone and masturbate. it got so bad that when we were intimate, he couldnt get it up. I found a full load of clothes in this room that he had used for his "skeet".

He promised me no more, I caught him like 2 more times. then we were good, it was done. the i noticed he had this new app on his phone that he said was to help him watch youtube vids. I found out this week that it was so he would watch porn, and look at pictures and masturbate. He had forgotten to clear his phone.

A friend directed me to this site before I had the chance to confornt him, and I am so glad. I had the tools to have a go at him when he came home. When I explained he cheated on me sexually and emotionally with another woman, and what went into it, he was agreeable. He said he understood.

yesterday I had a panic attack so bad, I was shaking when he got home. I told him how I was feeling..how HE made ME feel, he was understanding at first, then he blew up..."All men whack off and look at porn!" He said..."And if they say they dont. they are liars or it doesnt it work, I dont get your issue, it must be a woman thing because I did not cheat on you. it was just a picture!"

I told him how about this being a human thing, how about the fact that YOU hurt another human, made them feel pain because of your actions....can you understand that! and I told him this BS abbout all men do it....so what? it should be accepted? what is it that all women do, that devistate men, but the excuse is...well all wommen do it, so it' okay? he had no answer.

He will over talk me, yell at me, leave the room while still grumbling.

I laid down the law. I tuned the data off on his phone, it will never be turned back on. He is no longer allowed to drink as well because he has a binge drinking problem, and when he does that, the worst idea sounds like the best in his state.

He has agreed wiht this...so far, I need some advice on how to keep up with the follow through. to let him know this is it, there are no other chances, he changes like the wind. if I catch him in a lie, all he says is "SO!" like a child. Or, I did it like 2 days ago...this is when after he quit smoking I would catch him doing that as well. The man seems to do what he wants, when he wants, and when he sees he has hurt you, he is sorry....for like a second, then he brushes off, and trips on down the road happy as a lark with hurting victims in his wake...


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I agree with the above (canteat's post). Jumping to the conclusion that a person who consumes porn/masturbates == sex addict is a little over the top.

If there's a problem then there's a problem, but for most people, looking at porn and masturbating isn't a significant issue. I would recommend the OP communicates with her husband and gets to the bottom of what's going on with the ED thing before simply blaming the porn and forbidding him from looking at it (which will probably be an ineffective prohibition at best).

As for the suggestion above that she watches porn with her husband... I don't know what the relationship dynamic is, but my wife and I watch porn together all the time, and we use it to learn about each other. It may not be a great idea for everyone, but it does help some people communicate.

((Edited for clarity))

[This message edited by DecadeCentrifuge at 4:34 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
guiltyone
Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

"I laid down the law. I tuned the data off on his phone, it will never be turned back on. He is no longer allowed to drink as well because he has a binge drinking problem, and when he does that, the worst idea sounds like the best in his state."

No Offense OP- but this seems really controlling. Turn off the data on his phone?

Is he a child?

Almost all sexually healthy men watch porn. If it interferes with your sex life, then it becomes a problem.

And this sex addict talk is ridiculous. I guess 99% of men are sex addicts.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Some of you..men..are having trouble understanding what she is saying. He is choosing porn over her. He hides it. He lies about it. He has cum covered clothes...a stack of it..in another room. Their sex life is suffering.

Please stop telling her all men do it and it's just fine. It is not fine in her marriage. It may be fine in your marriage..but not hers..and that is OK. Some of you are telling her it's no big deal and to watch it with him..with a porn adddict that is NOT going to work(I did it..every damn Saturday for 4 years we had a "fuck fest" that would last 4-5 hours...and ALWAYS with porn..before..during..and after. And he STILL hid it from me. With addicts,it's not always "just" the porn..it's the hiding,the lying,the excitement of getting away with it. So watching it with him will only encourage the addiction.

Some men get very defensive over porn. Why is that? No one here is saying YOU are not normal because you watch it. What we ARE saying is if he is choosing porn over her...if she has told him it's hurting her and he continues..it's a problem.

And..as some men have said on this thread..not ALL men watch it because they feel it's disrespectful to their wives.


[This message edited by confused615 at 5:08 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

To anyone who has ever been in a relationship with an SA, the issues she posted about are screaming, blaring red flags.

If you have not you likely wouldn't see it that way.

Truth is, this is a message board and none of us can diagnose him. That is why many have suggested that she try to get him to see a CSAT. A CSAT can determine if there is addiction and can set up an appropriate treatment plan. Or refer to another counselor (IC or MC) as appropriate.

Just like before many of us knew our spouses were cheating - we were unaware of the many, many red flags that identified a WS, before we knew our spouses were SA, we were unaware of the many signs of that. If you've lived with it, you can see that this WS is waving lots and lots of red flags.

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:14 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I think it is pointless to argue whether porn is cheating, especially when some feel "cheating" means having physical sex with someone outside the marriage.

However there are other deal breakers in marriage that can be just as serious as having sex with another person. Call it what it is: excessive porn which is interfering with intimacy.


Instead of "letting him have it" with tools found on SI, it would be better to say something like: "I agree you are not cheating, but I will not tolerate your excessive porn habit which may be a part of the cause of the intimacy and ED issues in the marriage."

It does sound to me like he needs professional help at this point. If he does not get it, I believe for me, this would be a deal breaker and would lead to the end of the M. It is not something I would tolerate or agree to live with.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I don't feel it is "normal behavior" for a man to wait for his wife to leave and go to another room and masturbate when he is not having sex with his wife. From the tone of her post, it sounds like he did this frequently and didn't appear to be trying to fix marital relations with his wife.

I don't see anything in her original post that says he was not having sex with his wife. she only mentions that when they did he had ED issues, of which the cause is not clear/not known. There are other marital issues at play here that would contribute to him not feeling connected to the M and not wanting to engage in the bedroom. I don't think porn is the main issue.

Some of you..men..are having trouble understanding what she is saying. He is choosing porn over her. He hides it. He lies about it. He has cum covered clothes...a stack of it..in another room. Their sex life is suffering.

First off, I am a woman, and I don't see where he is choosing porn over her. People use porn and engage in sex with their partner at the same time. The original post only focuses on the use of porn, there is little there in the way of what the marrital sex is like or was like before. Has there been a change? There sex life is suffering-but that could be for a lot of reasons.
There is a disconnect here but I really think the porn issue could be a SYMPTOM of the larger problems, not the problem itself.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

canteat - you are right, the porn is a symptom of the problem.

None of us know the problem's cause.

Those of us who have experience with spouses who are SA see his behaviour as red flags.

Look, if he were going off several times a day to hide and masturbate without porn, in an new M, 3 weeks after he gets married, see any problem? Then, having m-bated so much, when he is with his real live shiny new bride, he cannot get it up because he has m-bated so much - see any problem? He's doing it a lot, he's hiding it, it is causing problems in his M.

The porn is a tool he uses to m-bate. Porn ISN'T the problem, whether he is SA or not, his behavior is the problem. His WIFE says it is a problem in the M yet he persits.

IMO, nobody here can diagnose this guy, but he needs help, the APPROPRIATE help, if he wants to save his M. If he is SA, those of us who have had to deal with that know that garden variety IC's are sorely ill equipped to evalute and treat that issue.

And there is absolutely no harm that can come by getting evaluted by a CSAT, wheter he is SA or not. They're both in for a lot of heartache and pain if he is SA and does not get treated appropriately.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
nestlee
Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Not all men do it. I know a lot of Christian men..that believe porn is a form of cheating. The bible said ..lusting over another woman is cheating. Google. Dr Phil.. Pornograiphy and cheating. U will read that porn should not be a part of a relationship and it is wrong, disrespectful, degrading.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to disagree with the esteemed Dr. Phil here. I look at internet porn. I am not an unfaithful husband, and to suggest that I am is completely outrageous and insulting. My wife also looks at porn, and she isn't cheating on me.

To assert that someone must spend 100% of their mental energy on you or else they are unfaithful is ludicrous. If you cannot admit that you EVER find other people attractive, then you are merely hiding something, you're not a more noble or more devoted spouse.

This situation, like almost everything else, requires context to understand. the OPs H could be a sex addict. He could be a complete tool. He could be an awesome husband with anxiety issues. I don't know because I don't know the guy.

One thing I do know is that he is not some twisted deviant because he enjoys porno. It can be abused, but like alcohol, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Did you read the first post? The one in which a newlywed BW is being sexually abandoned by a man who, when she's in bed, retreats to another room to clandestinely watch pornography and compulsively masturbate, filling a laundry basket with semen-encrusted clothing?

Porn is not a problem for many.

For others---including the OP to which the responses in this thread should be tailored--it is, indeed, a BIG problem, signaling HUGE intimacy issues. Not problems with the marriage, problems with the man who prefers solitary masturbation to pornography to sex with a willing, real partner.

For some, pornography is a "gateway drug." Some of our partners cannot or will not have sex with us, but will self-gratify, compulsively, with porn, then "graduate" to phone sex, and/or strippers, and/or AFF, and/or Craigslist hookups, and/or <fill in the blank with another non-intimate, solitary, stranger,or near-stranger sexual act that does NOT involve anything resembling emotional intimacy.>

This isn't the thread for those who do not have problems with normal porn use to defend their red-bloodedness.

That is NOT WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8851 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I think the key issue in this conversation is that the WH in question is CONSISTENTLY choosing porn and masturbation over IRL sex with S or SO.

I consider my partner's private activities with his own body his own business....If his masturbation to porn becomes a bone of contention within the M, it is because his activities are so obvious and creepy to me that I know there is a problem... His activities are affecting other areas of our life, sex life being one..

That is when advice/support is needed...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:09 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Nov 2011
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Some people can have A beer.
Some cannot stop at 20 beers.


Some men can glance at porn.
Some me have apps for porn, go into other rooms to look for porn, like your H.

S-anon is a good place to start, so is this website:
yourbrainonporn.com

Porn addicts are different that just a guy and his wife watching porn. They often can't be in a close relationship, and their lives are consumed by porn. When they are with a real person, they see porn, not closeness.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Decade centrifuge , very well put and this fella agrees on all fronts. I have told my wife before, I dnt care where she gets her appetite as long as she eats at home

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Im having a hard time understanding why people are not reading what her first post said...he is choosing porn over her. This is a problem.

Look.some people think going to strip club isn't cheating..some people do. Many people consider porn cheating,some don't. This is an infidelity support group. OP is clearly having issues with her husband choosing porn over her. If you can't understand and separate the differences between a man who uses porn and ignores his wife..and his wife is NOT ok with it..and a man who uses porn..still has sex with his wife often..and his wife is just fine with it...then,please..you have made your point clear. OP is in pain..very clearly..and for very good reason. We are here to support her...not insist our opinions are more important than her feelings.

And...this...", I dont care where she gets her appetite as long as she eats at home"...really? Do you know how many of us are here because our husbands got their "appetite" elsewhere?

Getting your "appetite" anywhere other than at home,after an affair,is an extremely dangerous thing to say..and to tell your WS ok could be considered reckless.

But again..what works in your marriage is fine. OP is not ok with porn..and that is fine too.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:04 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

(((Naunett)))

I remember the early days after dday. There was enough conflict in my real life that conflict on the boards was extremely uncomfortable to me.

This debate is not your fault. It has been discussed many many times.

If you are still reading and you desire support for what you are feeling or experiencing in your situation, feel free to start a new thread.

more supportive (((hugs)))

There are a lot of informative posts on this site. They are stickied or have a target next to the thread title. Also the Healing Library if you haven't looked there.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I'm SO relieved to find out I can get my appetite anywhere else in whatever form as long as the only D*** I get is from H.

I'm all over that.

Cuz you know, if I spend an hour+ a day chatting with someone else of a sexual nature, innuendos, touching, etc. Hey who cares, I'll go home and be happy with the once in a while sex because I'm dreaming of this other guy who really does it for me but I'm not cheating then right?

F this. I've been here too long.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Im having a hard time understanding why people are not reading what her first post said...he is choosing porn over her.

Where does it say this? It doesn't from what I read. I think some people are reading more into her post than is there.

He promised me no more, I caught him like 2 more times.

2 times? Is that it? or maybe 200? We don't know.
Don't assume 200.

I would wake up at night and he would be in the bathroom

and

the i noticed he had this new app on his phone that he said was to help him watch youtube vids. I found out this week that it was so he would watch porn, and look at pictures and masturbate

no mention of how often. Men can masterbate often even when in a healthy sexual relationship. Where is the evidence that this situation is IN THE EXTREME?

it got so bad that when we were intimate, he couldnt get it up

Here is evidence that they are still being intimate. The ED reasons are unclear so don't jump to conclusions about that.

Just rememeber that we see things not as they are but as WE are. Our own pasts and bias get in the way. People can read anything they want to in these posts. If something in them hits close to home or triggers your pain you will have a hard time seeing past your own stuff.

I am not trying to discount that H could be a sex/porn addict. You just can't tell it from what is in the original post.

I think it is dangerous to "diagnose" anyone as anything and give advice based on your assumtions. We will never have all the info from online posts and we are only getting one side of the story. (There are things in this post that make me wonder about her part in creating an unhappy enviornment? Could she not be contributing to a unhealthy, unhappy sex life for him and thus herself? Could she be making a mountain out of a mole hill as some have suggested? Maybe, I don't know.)

All we can do is share our stories and try not judge others-including the "guilty parties".

[This message edited by canteat at 8:07 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Nearly ExH apparently has a porn "thing" (because I don't know what to call it properly) and for me personally it was a problem because he chose to hide it from me from the day he met me and all along. He hid it from the rest of the world, also and made himself into this model citizen, award winning husband and parent. Yet when the door was closed and lights off, was off doing other things.

I think that if I were given the knowledge upfront and even allowed to share some of it with him, it would have been less of a problem.

He also used it as a vice and it's been suggested that he may be SA and it is a control mechanism.

Truth be told, I was more upset by the secrets than the acts because it added levels to the deceit. He also believed(s) it is normal and I am not and several counselors said that is a problem.

To me at least it seems kind of like the food we eat...anything in moderation doesn't seem so bad, but when it hinders and causes harm to relationships and people, perhaps there is a problem. When it causes lying, hiding, deceit...problem.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2291 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Naunette said

I found out about the porn and masturbation before we were married. I told him for us to go any further, he needs to understand how I feel about it, and that it can not continue. He agreed.


Naunette's H agreed to stop the porn and masterbation before they were M. Then he picked it back up,and has been sneaking off to do it. Had he not agreed to stop it, she may not have M him. He lied about it to get her to M him.

It doesn't matter if many of you posters think nothing is wrong with porn and masterbation. Naunette and her H agreed he would not do it, and he broke his side of the agreement.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:33 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
MystiKay
Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Porn may or may not be the issue here, but it was a BIG issue in MY marriage. I always thought men jacked off and watched tits. I didn't stop my husband from going to strip clubs to "wet his appetite" That part really pisses me off but I wont talk about that right now. I watched porn with him. I enjoyed porn. The funny ones the sexy ones. I always thought we had a good relationship.

Come to find out, That hey, sense i didn't care about porn and was okay with it. My husband thought it was okay to join porn sites where he could chat with the ladies...but hey it is just talk and looking at pictures right? No problem there. Telling the chick he liked her tits and thought she was sexy and would LOVE to fuck her. THEN it moved on to sharing porn with a few old highschool buddies...but still no big deal, just photos and words. Then came some old highschool girl friends sharing photos of themselves then the personal chats where they shared information about me and how I didn't give it up to him enough...then that moved on to the THREE WEBSITES for their personal porn.

Porn can be porn for some but do not belittle someones' feelings about it. If it upsets them, and hurts their marriage in anyway. Then they need support and maybe advice on how to deal it, not made to feel like their are being ridiculous and over reacting. Now excuse me while i go and deal with this trigger now.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
DecadeCentrifuge
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

@Hurt: I don't think people here have been saying that it was okay for Naunett's husband to lie to her, or to break his promises. Lying to her is not cool, and I don't think I read a post here that supported his lying.

Personally, I just reacted to other posters claiming that people who consume porn are de facto cheaters. Actually following up and checking out what that dullard Dr. Phil had to say on the subject put me in a right nasty mood.

Hearing that things which are not cheating are actually equal to cheating hits a sore spot with me. "You watch porn", "you spend too much time with the video games", "it was always sports, not me"... all of that was used to make me feel like an equally guilty party when xWW screwed my "friends".

I'm probably not the most rational actor in this discussion, because false equivalence between porn viewing (or anything else) and infidelity drives me completely fucking nuts. As such, I'm going to bow out.


@Naunett: I wish you luck, and I strongly recommend marriage counseling.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 53