Just Found Out
User Topic: Can180 Be Bad
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Member # 40045
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Can using the 180 method have a negative effect? I just found out about the A less than 3 days ago and feel my WS needs me to help her cope. The WS is in a bad place and is all alone. I am willing to trying to make it work but I feel if I push the WS away she will just give up. Can it be bad to tell WS you want to make it work too much? I am continually asking the WS questions about the A. I don't want screw it up. What should I do?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 39431
Sad  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 26th (Friday)

You haven't given yourself time to really let it sink in. You are probaby still in shock and you will have wished you 180ed once the anger sets in. Put yourself first right now! I have a very hard time with this but learning.

She will not "just give up" if she is really sincere in reconciling. Use the 180 for you! You can wisely use the concept without necessarily pushing her away. Good luck and I'm sorry!

Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 26th (Friday)

Dear Hurttt

The 180 is really something for you if your WS is not showing signs of remorse or taking accountability for their actions.

Day 3 - WOW. You are doing good by finding yourself here and caring on how to help you WW.

Day 3 - I could barley get out of bed or shower.

Just take it slow. The magnitude of what has occurred will hit you at sometime.

I wouldn't worry about the 180 unless you need it. Never everyone has to apply it.

I would suggest that you both get into IC quickly. It is very commendable that you want to help her but you have your own hurt to deal with too. And she is going to have to help you heal as well.

It is a lot to digest. Please go to the Healing Library and have your wife goes as well. It is at least a start in understanding what is happening, what you can generally expect and how to best process going forward.

Have her start here:

You don't have to figure anything out right now. Just do your best to process the information.

Your asking questions is very normal. You need to know the WHO, the HOW, the WHERE, and most importantly the WHY. Your world has been turned up side down at your wife's hands. She has to take ownership of this.

She most likely is ashamed and scared as she should be. Don't let her emotions overshadow your own.

Good luck and know this is a good safe place to be. Sorry you had to find us.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 26th (Friday)

People get really worried that the 180 will push their WS away, but the thing is - they're either remorseful or not. They are either going be truthful with you or not.

All the 180 does is help you find the strength to eliminate the begging, pleading, and other related emotions that make an unremorseful WS feel like they're in control.

When you show them that you are in control of yourself and your choices, you do force their hand to either fight to keep you and make things right, or they see it as their own ticket to check out. The thing is, you didn't instill that ethic in them - it was already there.

So really all you're doing is taking your power back. How your WS responds is a reflection of how this was going to go anyway.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 4