H has an EA last year. Ended just over a year ago. The details are in my profile. Since the first few months which was almost like a honeymoon (oddly) I went through a phase of being obsessed with what H thought of OW, whether he was still in love with her and missed her. I took my wedding ring off and told H I wanted a new one but only when she was out of his head completely. All this time he was consistent, patient and loving - he had never stopped loving me just wanted her too...hmmmm.
Since that point I seem to have struggled more, not less. Constantly wracked with feeling of inadequacy.I keep writing long emails to him teling him how I feel, how lost I am. He tries his best to respond but somehow he can't quite manage it. Between each time we have a relatively calm month or so and then I find myself strugglnig again.
Monday I actually copied something from here, and emailed it to H with the comment "I am trying so hard to mend, I really am, but perhaps the reason I canít get there is that I donít see that you feel guilty or ashamed and I have always been worried that you regretted giving her up. You have been so calm as if it was all the same to you what happened and you had no say."
He picked me up from work and took me for a drink. Said nothing for a while and then said 'How can you say that to me. I have spent 12 months riddled with guilt and shame. I can't bear to see the pain you are in and know I caused it. I don't like to talk about the affair because I am so completely ashamed!' But why why why did he not say that before? He had expressed regret for my pain, said sorry, been loving, said he couldn't bear to lose me but somehow it seemed like just words. I was so tied up in my own pain I didn't see his. I simply thought he was bemused by it all and a bit embarrassed. He also told me that the minute I found out and he had to make a choice, suddenly there was no choice. And I thought he was regretting losing her.
I guess communication is not our strong point.
I just feel better. I don't even know why. Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years
3 children from 10 to 16.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?