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User Topic: What the hell I thought we were happy
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I've never posted anything so private in my life but I feel so alone and have no one to talk to so here goes.....

On July 6 2013 my husband of almost 8 years (anniversary is on July 30th) told me he had an affair four almost five years ago.

I don't know to much and haven't asked many questions bc I'm not sure yet what I want to know.

I know it was with a coworker who was going through a divorce and it was "just sex" he told her my wife will always come first. They had sex three times and he says during the third time he felt like such shit he stopped everything then and there.

At the time I was in the later stages of pregnancy with SEVERE morning sickness with HIS baby and then having the baby with untreated postpartum depression. I also worked a full time job, a part time job, and defended my thesis for a very demanding masters degree.

We have always had a very trusting relationship- he was at the time an emergency room nurse who worked night shifts and saw horrible things everyday, I thought it was ok for him to go out after his shift to drink and vent with his coworkers- mostly women who he told me were almost all sluts and he felt sorry for them.
In return for this trust he was ok with me driving three hours away for many weekends to " live my college life"

I never even thought about betraying this trust. Many times people told me I was crazy for letting him go out but prior to being married he told me he had been cheated on before and if anything changed in our relationship he would tell me before anything happened with anybody else. Stupid me.

I also believed he wold never cheat on me bc I have always had the higher sex drive- I would have it everyday if I could. He seems ok with once every ten days. In the beginning of our marriage I would try to look pretty for him but he constantly rejected me so I just quit trying so much- I still tried off and on throughout the years but 70% of the time was turned down. When I asked about how I thought this was weird he said he's had previous relationships that were all about sex and that's not what he wants. So literally the only time I have ever refused him sex was when I was puking my guts up for two nine month periods.

Recently he has been anxious and jittery- he even went on Xanax for it. Then a few days later we went out- a rare occasion in that we have two children now dd4 and ds 18 months. He got drunk- I was sober and he was babbling about I don't know what then said he has no right to act this way bc of what he did to me. And then he told me about the affair and how he has been "making up for it for the past four years "

He changed jobs two years ago, no longer goes out with anybody other than male friends and lets me know where he his. He has done this for at least 3 years maybe longer. He wants to stay says he says he loves me and adores me and is sorry for everything.

We are both still living in the same house- we are having some sex- but I just cry ALL the time.

We are going to mc starting on tues. I still have not asked him anything about the affair ( timeline details etc)
I just don't know what to do and feel very betrayed

I have been very busy with school/ career since we got married but finally in January I got the job I've wanted, it's not stressful and I get to spend a lot more time at home with my family, I started losing weight and taking care of myself, dressing better, exercising, wearing make up getting my nails done, going out with my husband and having fun. Things have never been so great as they have been the last 6 months then he goes and drops this bomb on me.

Any advice and thoughts are appreciated.



Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Oh Broken

I am sorry you are here. I am. But please know that this is a safe place for you. It is filled with kind and compassionate people who have been through infidelity of most every kind and have somehow come out the other side. You will too, it will just take time.

I have to ask WHY he decided to tell you now after 5 years? This has me curious.

Most WS will not disclose without being caught or being in fear of being called out.

You may have no idea, but what was his motivation in telling you? To cleanse his guilty conscience? Or?

I also believed he wold never cheat on me bc I have always had the higher sex drive

One of the first things you will learn here and be told her by all these wonderful people is the affair had nothing to do with you. As hard is that is to understand, it really didn't.
And it wasn't about the sex.

Affairs are about broken people trying to fill a void in themselves. It is ego driven, living in a fantasy world vs. based in reality and it is inexcusable. There is never an excuse to cheat. Never. There are a lot of other choices, such as IC, MC and even divorce.

An affair isn't about what the WS wasn't getting; it is about what they weren't giving.

Head on over the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. Read, read and read some more. Knowledge is power and it will help you navigate through the next couple of weeks/months.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. IC is just as if not more important than MC in my opinion at this stage. You will need personal help wrapping your head around the reality of this.

It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

how he has been "making up for it for the past four years

Dig a little deeper on this but protect yourself. This is what we call blameshifting. He is going to try and justify his behavior and illustrate all the ways he's be "good" since then. This is bull. How can he have been making up for something you had no idea occurred? Do not allow him to manipulate you. His to own, his to fix.

Good luck. Post often. If nothing else just to vent. We are all here rooting you on.

(((many hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:42 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 26th (Friday)

1Faith nailed it.

I too immediately thought why the confession now? Do you know the answer to that?

I would recommend requesting a timeline from his prior A. I would also suggest that you do a few things to protect yourself.
Go into spy/stealth mode, put a keylogger on his computer, put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, look at cell phone records, snoop around for anything different or unusual in expenses, time away, soaps, clognes and clothing.

Take care of you. Put you first. Get tested for STD's, if you are having trouble with eating and sleeping talk to your Dr about that too.
This can be very overwhelming you are just finding out about it, he has had 5 years to get used to it.

Know that you are safe here, and can come express concerns and questions anytime of the day or night.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 26th (Friday)

At first he said he didn't know why he told me then I happened to read a self help book he had just finished and I asked him if that had anything to do with it and he said yes he just couldn't see lying to me anymore. So I think it was his guilty conscience. He also says he didn't tell me at the time bc of my ppd- he was scared I would hurt myself- which sad to say is probably true- and more and more time went by.
Way to look out for me after the fact asshole

We have always had each others passwords to everything and share our email accts and fb page-I looked around and didn't find nething
How do u get phone records?
Our bank acct is fine but I haven't gone back 5 years so I will do that

In the years since then I have had our son and they test u for tons of std then and they all came back negative but I will make an appt to see if there is nething else I need to b tested for


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hugs

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Infidelity is horrible - and the pain in causes can only be understood by someone who has been there.
We understand.

The most important advice I can give it to take your time. There is no rushing past this. You took a major emotional blow - and it will take months or years to recover. I hope you can save your marriage - it sounds like you are both committed to trying to save it. Realize that MC or no MC, your marriage is likely to suck for the next year. It will take a long time to regian trust and love and affection and to even want this man to touch you. Your emotions are going to rollercoaster - as are his.

But, if you can make it through the next 6 months, and if he continues to try to regain your love and trust, you can make it....your marriage can make it.

Even if you feel more anger than love, try to be kind to each other. Get through one day at a time, and realize that their is hope.

You can make it. It will get better, I promise


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2466 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

This is probably tmi but im so pissed and hurt
So WS and I had time to ourselves last night and since I had the whole day to think about things ( having to drive long hours for work today to the middle of nowhere) I wrote down things that really bothered me
1.) how the hell could u fuck someone u dont even care about ( I have only slept with one other person- my high school bf of three years)
2.) i was sick with HIS baby and needed help and he abadoned ME
3.) I'm the one with the higher sex drive that has been rejected for 6 1/2 years of our marriage and i just queietly accepted it and took care if things myself privately- never considering going outside the marriage for that need. So for 9 months he couldnt put up with it???!!!!

I asked him all those things his andwers were
1.) they both worked in the same horrible environment seeing awful things (ER) for years,were both drunk and lonely and horny. He said thats not an escuse its just what happened
2.) he said he is truly sorry- he saw all the signs i needed help but didnt know how to handle it.
3.)he just cried and said he didnt relize i felt that way and AGAIN brought up how he didnt want our marriage to just b about sex.

Later on that night it came out that i had only had sex 4 times before him ( I was 19 at the time just graduated from A small private HS and very sheltered he was 25) he acted like that was super important fir some reason and if i would have told him that we would have had more sex bc " sex was still new to me" . I told him how much it hurt putting on all the pretty things i got from my bacholorete party and being IGNORED almost every time what kind of man doesnt want to have sex with his new wife but every 10-14 days??!!!! He didnt have an answer but told me he would try to make it up to me. We had awesome sex twice last night ( quality has always been great the quantity lacking) and was very attentive all day but know here i am alone bc he wants to play video games instead of b with me- this is so stupid i feel so dumb but all i can think about is why does he not want sex??? Is this normal??? Are men really ok with sex only 10 - 14 days?? Is something wrong with me that i want to have sex with my husband more than a few times a month if i am lucky??!!


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Brokenhearted18
New Member
Member # 39453
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Sorry you are going through this.

Regarding his sex drive, my husbands sex drive started to decrease a few years into our marriage. I just put it down to married life and familiarity. The last few years it's been nada, nothing. He had his hormone levels checked and he's been dx with low testosterone. Very low testosterone.

It started in his 30's.

Your husband may want to have his levels checked.


You can not adjust the wind.
But you can adjust the sail.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: S.California
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Is there medicine for it? Is it any better?

Honestly its something I just put up with bc I thought thats just how it is but the fact that he rejected sex from me for years then goes out and fucks someone else is maddening.:-(
He keeps saying he loves me and finds me attractive. Im so confused and hurt and just cant stop crying


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Sorry you're going through this. It's a crappy club we all belong to but it's filled with some amazing people.

A few things we've all seen a million times here:
First, cheaters are liars. So unfortunately you need to assume he's still lying. If he says it happened three times, it's usually six. One tactic is to ask him the same questions over and over again. Write down his answers in a journal and see if they change at all over time.

A couple of other things that stick out to me are that he says this woman and him saw horrible things in the ER. That sounds like they bonded so this could have had an emotional side to it too. I'd push that one a little more. You may not want all of the details like I did, but you need to know the truth or there is no chance your M will make it. It's often been said here that it's not the A that ends the M it's the lying, minimizing, and gaslightng that goes on after a BS finds out. It's awful how many people on here have multiple d-days because they kept finding out more. It's called Trickle Truth.

You mention he started getting jittery and went on Xanax before he told you. That sounds like a reaction to a trigger. I would seriously push for what started to cause the jitters with him. Did this woman re-appear? Or did he find himself crossing the line again?

As a Betrayed Spouse (and a cynical one at that), I would have a very hard time believing my WH just woke up one day, after five years, panic stricken, and had to tell me. I would also be weary of what he told me because he's had time to organize and plan what he's going to say and it's probably going to be a smaller version of the truth.

I caught my FWH. He admitted that he was struggled with telling me (it was ending) and that he knew one day he would have to. When he thought about what he would tell me it would be a *very* edited story - to protect me. He now knows that would have been the absolute wrong thing to do and would have caused more harm. So just make sure your WH knows he must tell you the truth, because it will come out.

As for the sex, I agree that he may need to get tested for low testosterone. But at the end of the day, his cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you or the sex. Nothing.

Make sure you read through the healing library. Have him read through it too and I also suggest you both read Not Just Friends. That was a huge help for me.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((Completelybroken)))

Ditto what's already been said.

Just another voice here chiming in to offer support.

Most everybody here never thought they'd be sharing anything so searingly personal and painful on written internet post. However, here it's safe (note: a conservative rule of thumb is never share your user ID with your WS...or really anyone...that keeps your oasis protected).

Infidelity was far and away the most painfully isolating thing I've ever experienced in my life...and I've been hit by some doozies. When the person who's supposed to have your back and be your closest confidante turns out to be stabbing you in the back and betraying your confidence...it's a pretty damn desolate feeling.

I can certainly relate to your topic title; when you're consistently told how terribly much you're loved, how lucky your spouse feels to have met you/be with you/married you, and other such affirming things, news of infidelity comes out of left field. I too never had any heartburn with my fwh going out on his own; I never wanted to be one of "those" spouses who expected a complete cessation of any individual plans and friends. (I did, however, expect a complete cessation of outside sex and relationships...silly me, guess I should've specified that to him and not just assumed the marital vows covered it well enough?)

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (as has already been recommended) is a very validating book to read; it's at the top of my infidelity reading list.

I can relate to the higher drive/dressing in come-hither attire only to be rejected. The sheer irony of betrayal against that backdrop is confusing, infuriating, damaging, and hurtful. It's NOT YOU. There's a lot of crappola in the media and general company about what infidelity is and isn't about. Get on this side of it and you see the ignorance of the statements and mindsets out there. "Not getting enough at home", "must not have been a happy marriage", all that junk. There are a lot of different "reasons" for infidelity, but they all boil down to broken wanderers. Healthy people don't do soul-crushing things to people they love. Healthy people don't endanger the health of people they love. etc. etc.

I'm so sorry you're here but so glad you found SI. This place is a godsend.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3857 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you all for your advice/ ideas. I am just such a mess I cant think straight. We see a MC together on tuesday what should I expect?

What question should I ask my husband as far a details go? Do i really want to/ need to know certain details in order to make our M work??


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I just realized tuesday is our 8 th anniversery :-(


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Honey. This is so hard. But it isn't insurmountable. There are so many sad stories on here, of marriages that took heavy hits and are still going strong. Maybe not the same, but working.

Brace yourself. It is extremely likely that you don't have the whole picture. At this point you want to do several things. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Take care of yourself and your health, take care of your kids, and, if necessary, get to a doctor for short-term antidepressants. They may be necessary to keep you going. Short acting sleep aides, too, if needed.

The Healing Library, also, is a God-send.

Post here as much as needed. SO much cumulative wisdom.

It WASN'T about you. Never was. Easy to say, hard to feel, but true.

You are entitled to know as much as you need to know. You will figure that out along the way. Be careful about what you ask, details, etc. It's hard to forget some things.

You are entitled to total transparency from him and he IS NOT allowed to blameshift or pull the marty routine. There are consequences for his past.

Testing for T is important, you also need to know if he is viewing porn instead of turning to you for sexual gratification. That could be a problem.

Hugs to you. You will get through this. YOU count.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((hugs)))

As for what to ask and what details you want to know, that is a personal decision. Some people want to know EVERYTHING and that is their right. If imagining is worse, then by all means, ask for the truth.

Others don't want to know because you can't "unknow" and the details are too much.

I think that MC on your anniversary can be an empowering celebration of the work you are doing to strengthen your marriage.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Is this ever going to get easier?? I woke up cryibg again last night and my H held me and asked me what thoughts made me upset i told him

The thought of her with you
His response " i was never with her"

I missed so many signs how can i trust that i havent missed anything else?
His responsr " Theres nothing else to tell ive told u everything"

Why am i the one working on this? Im the one who set up MC, and reading books to make it better.
His response- he got pissed and said ive been trying to hold this marriage together for years. WTH??? Hes been unhappy for years??? I tried to press this but the baby started crying ( hes sick) so i just got up and told him to stop making me feel bad he fucked someone else.
I went and got meds for the baby and WH had his keys and was walking out the door. I told him ur seriously leaving he said he just needed to get away from me for awhile i said fine bc leaving worked so well last time

He sat on the porch for a bit and came back inside to our bed.

Am i pushing to hard?? I just dont know what to do i want to feel better he tells me over and over again he loves me and wants to work this out.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Here's where you get strong.
Infidelity - cheating is a robbery of your trust account.
He drained that sucker dry, and has the temerity to get pissed because you discover the theft?

I don't think so.

That is not remorse.
MC with a cheater sans remorse is a complete waste of time.

Get this. You can't fix him.
He's got to fix himself.
Tell him to get IC, and get back with you about the reasons he cheated.
What is broken within him?

If you're offering the gift of R, great -
but he has to do the work.
He has to be the driver of the whole thing.
You cannot do it for him.

You. Take care of yourself!
Remorse
Honesty
Transparency
NC
You need those 4 basic ingredients for successful R.

I'm not sure you have any of them. Yet.

An affair isn't about what the WS wasn't getting; it is about what they weren't giving.

1Faith is going to the quote thread!

Be strong Cb! We got your back!


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 29th (Monday)

CB please know this is not because of anything you did or did not do. This is about him, and his brokenness.

He needs to man up, and own what he has done, and that means you get to ask any questions you want, you get to discuss the pain you are feeling, and you get to decide if you want to R or not. If he gets upset or angry because of it, then he isn't sorry for what he did. He may feel bad about it, he may have guilt over it, but real remorse is not met with anger or upset. Trust me. It took us a few times to get R right.

And to answer your question of is it normal for a man to only want to have sex every 10-14 days? No it is not. Unless he is masturbating on a regular basis. Jut like hormone levels can drive our moods, they do mens as well, especially young men. Testosterone pushes the desire for sex or orgasm. If he isn't wanting to have sex that frequently, but when he does it's high quality then I doubt it's a testosterone issue. (IF it is he can take meds, either creams or injections to regulate it).

He has to do the work in IC or on his own to figure out the WHY of his choices. And being drunk and lonley isn't an acceptable answer. We have all been lonely, and most of us drunk, but we didn't choose to F another.

(((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 29th (Monday)

A couple more thoughts, maybe because I wish I'd played my hand differently back when I had little tots and "all" my fwh had done was get caught (by me) in a restaurant/bar with another woman in too cozy a setting...on NYE, no less. I got the "I'm sorry's" and "I didn't do anything, just a couple drinks"... In my case, my gut was right (I learned in '08, a decade later), and she was the only somewhat LTA of his string of OW (I'm guessing availability). At the time I tried to accept his apology, move on, stifle my gut feelings, etc.

The thought of her with you
His response " i was never with her"

Bullshit. Is he on the pipe?? He crossed the big divide, the line in the sand, broke the marriage contract, etc.

I was a 'details' person. I needed my fwh to not only turn a bright light on what he'd done (eliminating secrets), but to also spell it out and own the details. "I messed around a little" or "we had sex" floats on top of the water, compared to gnarly technicolor details...which require the ws to remember all the specific behavior and complex actions that such statements represent. It's a little harder to do the minimizing thing when you lay it out like that, IMHO.

All that said, from a different angle, your ws may have made his holding-the-marriage-together crack in regard to your PPD. Doesn't make it okay, but it may not have been a statement about general unhappiness for years in the marriage, but rather a blurt-out of pent-up feelings about the PPD times, or when you were working wide-open on your schooling, etc. I'm not saying it relates in magnitude to the atomic bomb he dropped on your marriage, but don't dismiss it entirely either. I'd ask him about it, when things are calmer...or during MC. Generally MC was very helpful for us initially when dealing with topics that might need a referee (aka, someone who was a little more objective).

Remorse can overall be consistent and real yet have little gaffes. It's a process, and I think as much as we BSs arrive here often saying, "I don't know what to do!!" there are genuinely sorry fws's who don't yet know the way to really speak in the language of remorse. Popular media and that damnable institution known as the advice column do nothing to help. Further, reconciliation is itself more often than not best compared to a game of Chutes & Ladders. The occasional hiccup doesn't necessarily derail the train.

He has to do the work in IC or on his own to figure out the WHY of his choices. And being drunk and lonley isn't an acceptable answer. We have all been lonely, and most of us drunk, but we didn't choose to F another.

tushnurse is so right. I also wonder, in regard to the infrequent sex thing, whether he could be one of those madonna/whore complex guys...you mentioned he'd said his previous relationships had been all about sex and he didn't want that to be the case with your marriage. Hmmm.

Am i pushing to hard?? I just dont know what to do i want to feel better he tells me over and over again he loves me and wants to work this out.

You're NOT pushing too hard! The problem seems to lie in the fact he is telling you vs. showing you with his actions. Actions not words. Words mean nothing because by and large we all heard the same words while they were cheating. Actions, like NOT minimizing the scope of his behavior with the OW, are the only thing that hold water now.

edited due to umpteen typos.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:48 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3857 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

uP again WAY to early!! ( 18 m old has double ear infection)

Thank you all for yalls thoughts and advice- it helps me clear my head a little

After our fight last night we went about our days-when i got back home he had written a very long letter in it he explained his unhappiness in our marriage and his failure to address it and his action to cheat on me.
He takes full responsibility for his actions and gave me a small time line that he said he will give me more details as i want them since ive told him im not sure what all i want to know.

I just thanked him and told him i appreciated the letter and that there were things in it that made me feel better ( knowing a time line) abd things that scared me ( some of the comments about his unhappyness) but that i didnt want to talk about it right then ( MAJOR lack of sleep)

On a side note I found out that my father in law has had to start testosterone shots for treatment of low testosterone. Is this genetic??
Someone brought up if my husband masterbates regularly and i dont know- i guess i will have to ask him.
the MC we are seeing today is a liscensed sex therapist too so maybe those issues can be addressed.

Ive never been to a therapist and am very nervous and dont know what to expect.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
haremmac
New Member
Member # 35782
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

CB,
I read some of your posts and wanted to re-emphasize what someone else mentioned. Taking the cheating out of the equation and only focusing on the sex drive of your husband I can relate to the low drive.
Please don't dismiss the possibility of low testosterone. It is often overlooked and ruins many relationships (again assuming there is no cheating). I am 37 and had testosterone levels of a 90 year old man. I now get treated and my wife cannot keep up with me. Having this new found experience comes with positive and negative issues but I feel so much better and always speak up when I think low T is an issue. Get him checked out if you are planning to reconcile. I hope this helps and that you and your H can work things out.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Wisconsin
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

MC went well. We just touch on a lot of topics that we will get further into later but my WS took ownership of everything he has done and is willing to answer all my questions, he resisted a bit a first saying he didn't see how it could help but the MC explained by me not knowing it will cause things to fester and get worse.

As I said before I have asked him almost nothing- I'm almost to scared for the answers I guess but for our next therapy session in two weeks I'm supposed to have at least three questions -the MC said they need to be hard ones that will probably make us uncomfortable but that if we want to R we have to address the A before we can move past it.

So any suggestions on questions I should ask?

Also- my husband has agreed to b tested for low testosterone.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

~sigh~ the sex issue is WAY more complicated than I thought.

He is going to be tested for low T.

Our opposite schedules for so long made being together hard- one of us was always asleep when the other wanted it.

Previous relationships have scarred him somehow and he didn't want to have that in our relationship- I'm not exactly sure what that means.

And he masturbates twice a week and yes he uses porn :-(

How for 8 years have I not noticed this? I knew he watched porn but I didn't realize it was that much.

I feel like crap and all I want to do is cry. This is horrible.

My husband is taking me out to an expensive restaurant on Friday for our anniversary.

Sorry this is just a bunch of random thoughts but I can't make sense of it all


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

(((CB))))

It is painful to get some of the answers, but it is also going to allow you to start healing. It's kind of like having a wound, it can't heal until you get it completely cleaned out from the junk in it. (Sorry nurse analogy). Once it is clean (you have the answers, and he has come clean) then the wound will heal. If you give it extra attention like putting ointment on it (working on fixing his issues, and your relationship) it can heal quite nicely with just a small scar (same with the relationship), but you know what's neat about scars? That tissue, the scar tissue, it's thicker, and tougher than normal skin, and you will be too.

Working opposite shifts/schedules can be very hard on a relationship, but remember it's quality, not quantity that counts. Make sure that when you are together you are making the most of it.

He telling you he didn't want your relationship to be like others screams to me that he has some intimacy issues, and fears of opening up. Was he hurt in those "other" relationships? This is something I would definitely bring up at MC.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Had a IC session on Saturday. It went pretty well, made me feel a bit better about things. I asked how can I know this wont happen again and what else has he lied about. The therapist said I can never know for sure but the things my husband has done on his own for the past 5 years show he's fixing his mistakes:
Changing jobs to a more normal schedule
Not going out for drinks with coworkers
This makes me feel a bit better but then I think if I had found out about all this earlier how would I have reacted? Just bc he lied for 5 years and has made changes to fix some of the problems he gets a free pass??!!
I'm so confused. And depressed.

I was finally able to go off antidepressants for the first time in years six months ago. Now I have a call into my doc so I can go back on them :-(


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 5th (Monday)

Work on yourself in getting stronger with the goal that you can survive and have a life without WH..

I don't mean file for divorce or separate..

I mean work on being protected financially..

Work on your self confidence so that you know in your heart that you and your child can live without WH..

I think all adult people need the confidence that they can thrive on their own when there is no SO or spouse in their lives at any given moment..

I know this is easier said than done, I am experiencing challenges with taking proper care of myself...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 5th (Monday)

He doesn't get a free pass. It might feel that way, but his actions have created a marriage environment that needs a lot of work and attention to shore up.

I think the hardest thing to do is to focus on where you are going, where you want to be, rather than looking back. To balance what you need to know with not getting stuck will be something you have to figure out.

(((hugs)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5608 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
EtTuBrute
New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 5th (Monday)

On the sex drive question:

2 other possibilities:

1. masturbating to porn

2. seeing OW you don't know about

Ask for transparency - access to e-mails, cell phone, phone bill, etc. Look at surfing history and porn stashes in your home.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. My WH fell under category 1 for most of our marriage and later had a PA.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 5th (Monday)

MC said they need to be hard ones that will probably make us uncomfortable but that if we want to R we have to address the A before we can move past it.

Completelybroken, sounds like you have a MC who understands infidelity!

Since he is willing to go to MC and answer difficult Q's, even volunteering more info, I think your WH is with you in this. It seems that sometimes they have blind spots, like the porn and masterbating, that they don't realize until the BS tells them it's an issue.

You might need to ask him about those prior sexual relationships that were all about sex, and what part of them he found so troubling that he didn't want to have much sex with you. You might need details.

Sorry you need to go back on AD's bc of the A, but you will feel better, and that will help you get through it. You will probably hear more info that will hurt and drag you down, as your H digs into his past to face it.

I hope baby is over ear infections, and you can both get some sleep.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments- it helps so much to know I'm not alone.
DoggieD- since I switched jobs in January I have the ability to be completely independent financially from my husband we have always lived on his salary and have no debt ( go figure we have always been able to discuss financial issues easily) I also know there are no hidden debts as our credit reports are frozen and I double checked it when I found out about the A.
Brute- there is a lot coming out in the lack of sex issue that we will address at MC next week. I don't believe it is another OW but I wouldn't have believed there was one if he hadn't told me.
We have always had total transparency I have always been free to look at his phone,email,and computer that makes it difficult bc we had that transparency and the A still happened without me knowing- he was going out a lot by himself since I was home sick :-( and he no longer does that. He has also this past week has been updating me on where he is at all time- he did this without me asking :-)

I have an appointment today to go back on AD.

The baby is on stronger antibiotics so we have both got some sleep the past few days which I think helps.

Also after dinner on our anniversary we went to the bookstore and got a few of the books y'all have recommended.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

We finally sat down last night and he let me question him for almost three hours. He answered everything I asked and more. He is working on a timeline when everything happened and I got approximate dates that things happened on. I told him he had an EA before he had the PA and if he understood that. At first he said no then after some discussion he said I was right so he is working on that timeline too.
He took full responsibility for what he did and repeatedly told me it was his bad decision and not my fault.
I feel better and worse at the same time.
Based on the approximate timeline for sure he fucked her when I was pregnant. That royally pisses me off since that shows not just a disregard for me but for our daughter. He could have given me an STD that could have injured her in some way- how am I supposed to get passed that?

It isn't certain if they had sex after the baby was born but that is important for me to know- he said one of the things he liked about her was how her face would light up when she talked about her son and I was going through PPD and he took it as a personal insult. Which he knows is wrong and he takes full responsibility for not getting me help.

The two worked together for 3 years after the affair and she was even over at our house a few times. I told him how embarrassing and insulting that was, he apologized and cried. I told him I felt like he was getting a free pass in that he got to work with her for years afterwards- we started to argue a bit about that but I stopped and said that was obviously something we should discuss in MC.

I kept asking why he didn't tell me he was unhappy and he said he was scared it would push me further away and he knew that if we could just get past me getting my degree things would be better. That he always has loved me and never stopped even when they had sex. And he knows that makes no sense and we will talk in MC about that.
A lot more was discussed and he said he is willing to sit down with me again and answer more questions.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

(((CB)))
It certainly sounds like he is doing all the right things. That is a promising sign. The fact that he is owning what he did is very helpful to your healing, and the marriage healing.

Don't be so hard on yourself. So what if you have to go back on Ad's, if they help you through this, it's worth it. Also many many many people spend most of their lives on them, that doesn't mean they are less of a person, in fact being able to recognize that you may need it makes you stronger in my opinion.

I'm not sure why you feel your H is getting a free pass on this. He most assuredly is not. He has to do the hard work of figuring out the why's of his choices, and fixing them. Being unhappy in the M isn't the reason he had an A. Having shitty boundaries, or wanting to feel loved appreciated, or even just getting more attention is what is the draw for many WS's. He needs to know why he needed to feel that.
I remeber my H saying, one time early in R that he just wanted me to need him. It pissed me off. I asked why in the world would you want someone who NEEDS you? Wouldn't it be nicer to know that I make a decision to be with you that I want you? I choose you? It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for him.

I honestly think you need to get to the issuses over sex. That's where your answer lies, I bet.

Glad to hear the little one is feeling better, those pesky, persistent ear infections can be difficult on their own, let alone dealing with this.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

((TN))

When I brought up the EA I brought up boundaries- he has always been a flirt and touchy freely I confronted him about it early on in our dating relationship and he said that was just who he is and I have to accept it- it doesn't mean anything. So I know that's how it started. Then he started "asking her advice" about our marriage and family. I told him do you understand that was crossing a boundary and that I would NEVER discuss our problems with someone of the opposite sex especially one that I flirted with on a daily basis. I think it was a lightbulb for him and he said he wants to talk about that some more.

This still all sucks and I know I still don't have a complete picture but its getting there. I realized in IC yesterday I am being impatient. My IC said I have to go through it not around it and that will take time.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

((TN))

When I brought up the EA I brought up boundaries- he has always been a flirt and touchy freely I confronted him about it early on in our dating relationship and he said that was just who he is and I have to accept it- it doesn't mean anything. So I know that's how it started. Then he started "asking her advice" about our marriage and family. I told him do you understand that was crossing a boundary and that I would NEVER discuss our problems with someone of the opposite sex especially one that I flirted with on a daily basis. I think it was a lightbulb for him and he said he wants to talk about that some more.

This still all sucks and I know I still don't have a complete picture but its getting there. I realized in IC yesterday I am being impatient. My IC said I have to go through it not around it and that will take time.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

I'm spending the weekend with my family and I have chosen not to tell them about WH's A. Since we are trying to make it through it.
All my family know is that we are having some issues and are in MC.
I did well all weekend until last night, my sister was giving me back some things I let her borrow for her baby and I just burst into tears.

My mom and sister just held me while I cried. They asked no questions and it felt wonderful to be held and cared for.

I know right now it is the right decision not to tell them but it sucks that I am doing it to protect WS. Even though he has hurt me so deeply it is still a natural instict to protect him.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Just got done with another MC session. I dont really think anything was accomplished. H just said i felt like a punching bag for an hour- which is what i deserve" another wonderful statement was i dont know what to do Im just along for the ride. What the fuck you asshole YOU did this to us. Plus we just spent twenty minutes discussing what he could do to help thing heal.
Hes still insistant it was a mistake and he loves me he just doesnt know how to fix it.
Im tired of the drama


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Just got done with another MC session. I dont really think anything was accomplished. H just said i felt like a punching bag for an hour- which is what i deserve" another wonderful statement was i dont know what to do Im just along for the ride. What the fuck you asshole YOU did this to us. Plus we just spent twenty minutes discussing what he could do to help thing heal.
Hes still insistant it was a mistake and he loves me he just doesnt know how to fix it.
Im tired of the drama


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
SoLost1545
New Member
Member # 40168
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I can relate to your situation. I found out recently that my husband cheated 5 years ago...with a co-worker. I still have yet to find out why he just now (July 30th) decided to tell me.
I have no solutions because I'm going through the same thing and I'm really new to all of this.
I'm offering my support though and to let you know that joining this site has been the best thing to happen yet.


Me: 26 (BS)
Him: 31 (WS)
Married 5.5 years, together 10 years
He Cheated: June 2008
D-Day: July 30, 2013
Don't know where to go from here...

Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Georgia
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Thanks solost... It helps to know im not alone. I feel like my world is in shatters and dont know how i missed something so big for such a long time. Plus i cant come to terms with how he worked with her for another 3 years


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

So I confronted my H on his along for the ride comment and he apologized. I told him I was super pissed I was the one doing all the work to fix his fuck up. I arranged MC I bought books I look up things on the Internet.
He said he didn't know what to do. I told him bullshit its called google, use it. It's called send me some fucking flowers bc you've been a douchbag and our whole marriage NEVER sent me flowers ( bought them yes but never publicly sending them). Read one of the books we bought on our anniversary- just make an effort dammit!
He cried and said he doesn't like to think about it and I told him tough shit the only way I can get past it is for him to tell me everything and that involves him thinking about it so get over it. He cried more and said he would try.
The next morning he texted me a pic of the book he started ( not just friends) that made me feel better.

Last night he randomly started crying ( we where just hanging out watching tv) full on sobbing- I'd never seen him cry like that. He said he is so sorry and he can't believe I'm still with him giving him a chance. He said he's angry with himself that he had everything, amazing wife, kids, life and he tried to throw it away for something so stupid and he doesn't understand why he did what he did.
I just held him and didn't say anything- it was nice to see him cry as hard as I have this past month- he said he's happy I'm still next to him but doesn't feel like he deserves it. I told him you don't deserve it but unlike you when I said our wedding vows I meant them and this is the worse part of for better or for worse. That made him cry harder. I just held him and let him cry.

I think he FINALLY get how much he destroyed


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustJulie
New Member
Member # 40337
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 16th (Friday)

I can totally relate to what you're going through - I found out about my H A last December and we are still working through it. Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing everything right and if he truly cares he has to be suffering too. (Although I doubt it comes anywhere close to how you are feeling)
Keep us posted and know we are here for you.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: midwest
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Guess what I got today after 8 years??? Flowers!!
I'm so freaking happy I feel like a stupid teenager.
The note in it says"this is only the beginning love x."

I told him it doesn't even begin to make up for it. But it's a good start.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Guess what I got today after 8 years??? Flowers!!
I'm so freaking happy I feel like a stupid teenager.
The note in it says"this is only the beginning love x."

I told him it doesn't even begin to make up for it. But it's a good start.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 16th (Friday)

I feel your pain!! My idiot stbxh did the same things. I used to get pretty and try to make love to him; he always rejected me. We'd been married only seven months and already gone about four without having sex. I later found out that he is into transsexuals and cougars, which are two things I am not. It turns out that he didn't want sex with me because of his weird perversions. It isn't anything about how we look; it's about how he feels about himself. Sometimes, i wish I wouldve been the one who had the affair; I feel like I earned it for all the shit I put up with. I'm so glad it's over. I just want to be free.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Is there any chance he told you because the OW threatened to tell on him? Is there any chance that she misses him and he doesn't want to go back to her, so he's doing a preemptive strike here? That would be my thought--someone found out and threatened to tell you. There's no good other reason. I'm sorry. My EX-guy is total crap, too.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
blindsided03
Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 16th (Friday)

Is there any chance he told you because the OW threatened to tell on him? Is there any chance that she misses him and he doesn't want to go back to her, so he's doing a preemptive strike here? That would be my thought--someone found out and threatened to tell you. There's no good other reason. I'm sorry. My EX-guy is total crap, too.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)

So just an update. I finally got a time line from him the EA started around July of 2008 ( when I was 5 mo prego) the PA was 3 months until right before my daughter was born the the EA continued/ fizzled out by July of 2009.
He has given me a why as to the lack of sex and it is a horrible mix of Madonna/whore complex mixed with past failed serious relationships- it took him 4 hours and a LOT of tequila to explain it but it's a why I can come to accept.
He also sees the damage it did to our relationship and has corrected it (at least I hope so I know it could just be HB so we will see). But he makes the effort to initiate sex a few times a week.
He has also given me a bit of a why he had the affair again it took hours to explain but the just of it is they had already "connected" (which he understands now wasn't real) bc of their ER jobs and the horrible things they experienced that combined with the fear of intimacy/ Madonna
/whore complex while I was pregnant and a feeling of entitlement/selfishness and the extreme fear of losing another baby ( he has lost a total of 3 between me and prior relationships) the sex was "easy" in that it was a physical release with no real feelings in it. It was an EA in that he shared things with her he shouldn't have but he always new he loved me not her and told her that I would always come first no matter what and it was just sex. She was just coming out of a divorce so she wanted something "easy" to. Comparable to a "friends with benefits" except that he was fucking married.

He sees and understands why and how it happened and that he can never be " just friends" with someone again.

I brought up how flirty and touchy feely he was ( he has noticeably stopped those behaviors a few years ago) and he admitted he was wrong and because of prior life experiences felt the need to be a KISA for everyone especially females. He owned up to all the females he was inappropriate with ( most I already knew about or saw and when I brought up then it was wrong I was made to feel like a bitch for being uncaring.
We have been over many of the situations and he has fully admitted he was wrong in hugging them rubbing their backs flirting etc etc.He also has apologized for making me feel bad about it.

He knows he still has a lot of work ahead of him and I am still miserable dealing with it all and most days I'm still horribly depressed and pissed but at least it's a start


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I am so glad that you and your WH are doing well.

Masturbation and porn can re-wire a mans sexual response. Which for you can equate to no sex or unsatisfying weird sex. Talk about frustrating!

He really needs to stop cold turkey so that he can find his way back to being a loving sexual partner for you.

And that takes time...!

Hang in there.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

So my H finally got a full work up and his testosterone is normal. I know things are better but it makes me feel like shit. I was hoping at least SOME of it was medical but nope it's all him being fucked up in the head. He's thrilled with the news and doesn't get why I feel worse.

Oh yeah and in order to get the test done for insurance purposes it had to be documented in the chart as " lack of interest and desire for spouse" which I know isn't true HB is in full force but I still feel horrible.


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Completelybroken, it might have been easier if he had a medical condition, but look at it this way: if he works on himself, he can fix his problem. If it were a medical problem, he'd have the problem for life and have to take a pill.

Glad you're in HB still. When it is over, he may go back to the infrequent sex again. Have you discussed his use of porn and masturbation?

I say "used" because I believe, as some, that they are both addictive and can be destructive to the person using them, as well as their M.

a big hug for you(((((Completelybroken)))))

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 49