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Reconciliation
User Topic: 8 months since dday. How is reconciliation even possible??
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hi all,
It's been 8 months since dday, and most days, I feel like it just happened the other day. All I feel like I do now is just repress my feelings and anger, and just try to get through one more day. How is reconciliation possible when I still have SO much anger towards him and my ex-best friend? Not a day goes by that I don't relive that day, and how much I was betrayed.
We have 3 small children together, which are the only reasons why I'm trying to reconcile. But there are many days, most days, that I just wish I could pack up all of his crap and kick him out.
My family and his family that knows about it just basically expects that I should be over this and that I need to move on. They completely think, as well as my WH, that I should just be able to look past this, and be happy, which just infuriates me even more.
Everything triggers my anger and sadness. How the hell do you move on and get to reconciliating?


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 26th (Friday)

They completely think, as well as my WH, that I should just be able to look past this, and be happy,

Because this isn't really reconciliation. That is rugsweeping. It's not their decision when you should or shouldn't be over it. Particularly if the WS isn't doing things to make you feel safe.

Is he being honest? Is he fully transparent? Is he doing things to make himself a safe partner for you? (IC, MC, reading-etc.)

8 months was a tough time for me as well. I really got mired down in anger. IC helped me work through a lot of those issues.

But you don't "move on" You "move through" And it's a long road that is going to take more than 8 months, even with a remorseful spouse.

For me, starting to do things for myself helped me immensely. Not only did it distract me from obsessing over the affair, but it allowed me to find some more joy in my life.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 26th (Friday)

((Heartbroken))

Your situation is very similar to mine. Mine was also my best friend, we had known each other since we were two and our parents were best friends.

DDay was 5 weeks after I had our 4th daughter, all of which she was there for their births.


It took two solid years of HARD work by BOTH myself and my fWH for us to start truly experiencing real reconciliation. My day would start out thinking of her and his betrayal against me and ended when I somehow fell asleep at night.

I have been in IC for almost 3 years now,and we did almost two years of MC.

IC will help you in getting past the hatred and anger you have for your xBFF. MC can help you get through the anger and betrayal from your WH.

One big red flag I see is that your WH thinks you should be able to get past this. Until that thinking changes on his part, I don't think true R is possible with him.

People who have not been through this kind of betrayal have no idea how unbearable it is. So try to get into an IC and MC,because they deal with people who have been through it, and understand the 2-5 year timeline. Your family cannot understand this at all. I found I had to quit talking to my family about it.

I FULLY know the agony. I can tell you with a truly remorseful H, IC and MC, I am in a much better place and OW/xBFF only crosses my mind every once in a while, and 95% of me doesn't hate her with my entire being anymore.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 26th (Friday)

((heartbrokenmom))
I'm sorry

Dont let others tell you should be "over it".

God i hate that. I've heard it myself too.

Your triggers will lessen in intensity and frequency, but there is nothing you can really do to stop them altogether.

what worked for me a lot was a big red stop sign. Mental one of course. when i was triggered or having negative thoughts, i would throw it up. Huge one!! Put my thoughts on something else that was positive.

While you have to work on your triggers, there are things he could be doing to make this easier for you.

is he doing anything you need to heal??

hugs


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
HeartbrokenMomTx
New Member
Member # 38576
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 26th (Friday)

One of the biggest problems, if not the biggest, is that bc of both of our crazy work schedules, we barely spend much time together. And if we do, he spends most of the time on the phone, watching tv, running errands, or basically ignoring me. Pretty much doing everything he can to avoid a confrontation with me. I guess bc I have been angry so much since he confessed, and wants to avoid yet another argument with my being upset about the affair, he is finding everything else to do to avoid the conversation. I haven't brought it up in a very long time. I guess bc I feel like it goes no where, and he is so avoidant of me. He just continues to say " I'm sorry. I'll never hurt you again.", any time it's brought up. I've continued to tell him to get off his phone, etc, but it never changes.

We were going to IC to the same counselor. She convinced him that we are not ready for MC together. We need to be more stable in our marriage, before MC should be started. I've continued to tell him I want MC, but he refuses. How the hell does he get to refuse?

Also his sister has told him, based on what he has told her, that I am basically " irrational" bc of how upset I am over the affair, and that maybe he should move out and we should seperate. I feel like I'm alone in this, and that no one that knows what we're going through, understands how hurt I am, and that I'm indeed not "irrational". I'm freaking hurt and devastated. That's what I am.


Me: BW
Him: WH
PA with my best friend-slept together 4 times he admits to right after I had a baby this past year.
Married for 7 yrs; Together for 10 yrs
Three little boys together (6, 4, 11 months)
D-Day-11/5/12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 26th (Friday)

That is weird advice that your IC gave you. I mean, MC usually is for marriages in crisis, not the perfect made for TV marriage. I think this is bad advice personally.

I told fWH ON dday that we were going to MC if he wanted this to work. He said whatever I needed. The next day I found an MC and within 3 days of dday we were in a session. He should agree to MC,and you can make it part of the R that you require.

He can only refuse what you let him refuse. You do not have to stay in the marriage if you don't want to. For some people, affairs are true dealbreakers. So, if he cannot agree to your requirements of R,then get healthy for yourself so you do not have to live in hell for the rest of your life.

It seems you have no one in your life that will support your grief, so you will have to work it out between IC, hopefully MC,and this website. You have to take the reins on your healing, because truly, no one else can do it for us.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Beautifulmom
Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Im so sorry!
8 months for me too. My fwh had an affair with my best friend of 15 years.
He was the same as your husband for the first 6 months. Avoidant, he thought i would just get over it i guess. Honestly, i let him know that i was not going to just forget and rugsweep. I spent too long watching them and not sticking up for myself. I made it very clear that i was giving him a year, and if i didnt like what i saw i would leave. I sent letters, emails, and talked. I refused to feel guilty for bringing it up.
One thing that i found useful was
setting a certain time once a week to talk. That way you arent getting avoided, and also he wont feel like he will be surprise attacked every time he turns around. The other thing was that you might have to spell out exactly what you need/want from him. I got the idea from somewhere that if he was truly remorseful he would KNOW what to do to make me feel better. Not so, its ok if you have to spoon feed him what you need. It really worked for us.
So i wrote him a letter and actuallylisted what i needed. We set a time. He initiated the talk at talk time and gave me what i needed. The cut and dry i think really worked with his personality. The fact that he initiated and gave me what i asked for helped me tremendously.
He is also reading "not just friends" with me. He knows that this will be an issue for the rest of our lives.There is no "get over it and move on."
I still struggle with anger/understanding how she could have done this. The feeling that the person you thought was your best friend really hated you enough to do this to you...i dont understand. I felt she had very little remorse after the fact. It hurts very much. I didnt deserve that.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Same here, sweetie. 8 months out. My anger has FINALLY turned to pain. Now, I just ignore it and see what my boys need. I've found a way to replace the unconditional love I had for him and give it ALL to my boys. Sadly, H has to work hard for it now.

Just yesterday, I was crying (hadn't in about a month btw) and asked him how in the world he expected me to move on from this. So, I totally feel where you're coming from. Except, my rage is finally residing. For now. lol. Sending warm thoughts and compassionate hugs to you!


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 year+ false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 and for good Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Forgive...never forget. You will see many of us on here who are 2+ years out. Yes, we still have bad days too. The pain our waywards forced upon us in not comparable with anything. He needs to (for startes) , stop telling you to get over it. YOU will decide the timeline that his selfishness forced upon you. If he wants to see impovement, he will do whay YOU need him to do...he caused this, not you.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I wonder what mix of anger, sadness, and fear that you're experiencing. Many of us are taught to mask one fear with another, and often people choose anger because it seems less painful than grief or fear.

For me, anger is pretty much a sign that I want something to be different. I really want to not be a BS, but I can't get away from it. No matter how angry I get, I'm still a BS. It was pretty easy for me to look underneath my anger and find mainly grief, with a little fear.

If you're really feeling sad or scared, it might help to express that rather than anger.

BTW, of the past 31 months, I've spent 2-3 of them thinking I felt sad when I was actually angry. Go figure.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9745 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10