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Reconciliation
User Topic: Vacation: A trigger and a curious non-trigger
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 26th (Friday)

We're 11 months out from D-Day, and R has been going mostly very well. We just got back from a week-long vacation, which was a lot of fun.

--Curious non-trigger: During that time, the 10th anniversary of the first time he had sex with OW happened. (I know the date because it happened on a day that he had taken certain pictures, which are in his Picasa folder and date-stamped.) All day long, though, I kept thinking, "This is the day!" and felt nothing. Nothing! I was going to bring it up, but decided not to. He seemed completely oblivious (as he usually is about dates), we were having a good time, and I wasn't triggering--so why ruin a great day? I can't understand why I felt nothing, though. Very strange. Is this progress? Denial? The plain of lethal flatness?

--Then I did have an emotional moment two days before we came home. We were visiting an expensive area, and he had reserved a room in a motel that he deemed affordable. When we got there and walked into the room, we both blanched--it looked like a hooker motel (not that I've ever actually seen one, LOL!). He immediately offered to find a better place, but actually, the room (although quite dilapidated) seemed clean, and we would have had to forfeit our pre-payment, so I said no...but then choked out the words, "OW would never have put up with this. You would never have dreamed of taking her to a place like this." (They usually went to the Hampton Inn.) He just looked so abashed and miserable! The motel had looked nicer online, he said (true), and he never imagined it would be that bad. He assured me that he never thinks about OW anymore (can't be entirely true, but I do think that he doesn't obsess or pine anymore). He repeated, more forcefully, his offer to rebook in a Hyatt or a Hilton or someplace like that, money be damned, since the room was clearly upsetting me. I walked around the room, inspected the sheets, the bathroom, etc., and everything was really surprisingly clean, so I once again refused. But I said, "The fact that you offered means a lot to me. Thank you." He hugged me and apologized. We hugged some more. Then it was over, and I was fine.

For the whole rest of the trip, he was super-wonderful. He doesn't talk much about what he's feeling, but it was pretty clear to me that he was, by his actions, expressing love and reassurance.

I'm feeling pretty good about where we are at this point. I'm also confident that the new minimum standard for hotels/motels has been established! (I.e., better than anyplace he ever took OW.)


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 407 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 26th (Friday)

One of the ways I gauge healing between my wife and I are how triggers are handled.

I think these triggers that you had were handled beautifully by both of you.


Posts: 7492 | Registered: Dec 2010
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Thanks, LosferWords. He doesn't always handle himself so well when I trigger, and I am usually not so explicit about what I am feeling. I think it was kind of a breakthrough for both of us.

[This message edited by SadFlower at 12:43 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 407 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 3