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Just Found Out
User Topic: confused yet love him
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 26th (Friday)

he's had an affair for the last 3yrs with a woman he works with. he told me truth finally after i found a note he wrote to her and pics of her on his computer. he denied it at first.
we've been talking and texting like teenagers. it's been fun and nice cause we've never done this much talking/communicating in our 14 1/2 yrs together. he needs this, i do to. i was always afraid of revealing my feelings/weaknesses. he's still not physically attracted to me because of the weight i gained when pregnant. it's been 4 yrs since our child was born. i started working out before i found out about all this. i changed my outlook on life before i found out about all of this. he noticed and we had been getting along. he couldn't stand the lies anymore that's why he told me. which was just a week ago.
before that we had started having sex on a much more regular basis and even now after knowing. i sometimes feel i shouldn't be having sex with him because of the betrayal. am i crazy for this, i mean he still is not physically attracted to me outside the bedroom. however we've been spending more time together walking, riding bikes, and talking and it's been really nice. every now and then (like today) i feel i may need a separation. how do you get over this?

he has had issues with relationships in that he tends to end up with what he calls "sluts" bu the wants them to only be his and they have all cheated on him includinge this woman he had affair with
he said when we met he knew i was different and thought this would be good. he feels there is something wrong with him. yes there is but he has to work on him right? i am working on fixing me and my issues cause if i'm not in my right mind then it won't be healthy all around.

[This message edited by heathenchristian at 4:44 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Welcome to SI, heathenchristian.

"Getting over this" takes a lot of time and work, but it's possible.

It sounds like the two of you are trying to work on things, but something that stands out to me is that although the two of you are having sex, you mentioned that he's "still not physically attracted" to you. Did he say that to you? Does he still?

We all have different standards when it comes to aesthetics but it is downright cruel to throw something like this in your partner's face, especially someone who lovingly carried and gave birth to their children.

This suggests a deep rooted selfishness that needs examining and work on your WH's part.

Also, if his affair was physical you need to get tested for STD - as does he.

He doesn't get to just cheat on you, then text you sunshine and giggles and hope that everything in behind you both now.

You asked how long till healing - the true healing is going to come when he treats you with unconditional love and respect, otherwise you're going to get hurt again and again.

Sending hugs and strength.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heathenchristian
Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Yes he did say that to me and my weight has always been an issue. I have talked about unconditional love. He doesn't understand why he has to concede on the attraction. I get it, cause attraction is important. Shouldn't be a deal breaker though.
BTW...I'm the heathen and he's the christian. I didn't grow up in a christian home and he did. I've told him before that I have more morals than he sometimes.
He has seen the pattern from past relationships w/girls of his desire. they all end up cheating on him. it's messed up and he kind of gets it, but not completely.
don't know that we will ever get through this issue and it will be the deal breaker as he and i have discussed.
i'm doing things to get healthy for me and my kids.
thanks


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
mychild
Member
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 9th (Friday)

heathen/christian - this is such a sad and awful fact of human/male/female B.S.

Men are so naturally visual it's degrading to women, period, it's just the simple truth. There is no way this is not degrading to women. Men's need for beauty is insatiable - that is why there is porn, strip joints, escorts, men's magazines...and women have the same desire, sort of - we are saturated with magazines and film where women are valued for their perfect bodies and perfect faces. And then we criticize women on how they look. Uggh - why do we do that??? We buy into the whole women's looks are the most important!!!

It is so sexist and degrading. The more valuable the woman is - is dependent upon her age and sexual parts - is she thin enough, is her a$$ good and hard enough, is her stomach flat, is her chest the right cup size, are her nipples just right (really!), are her legs cellulite free, does she have sun damage, is her hair sexy....on and on and on.

And then the world is filled up with fat men or men who are naturally bald (women must have sexy hair) and we are just supposed to be happy the fat men will stay with us or that they have a job and if they have a job that seems to be good enough now because after all they are amazing providers, because they have a job and since they bring home a pay check we should be super sexy and thin with perfect hair and makeup and long legs and perfect boobies and flat stomach and hard a$$es and clean the house and give great bjs and swing from chandiliers(sp), and bring home money and and and.

But hey, lose the weight and then I won't cheat on you.

I do admire any woman who just flips the finger to all that. Me, I hate being over weight and am working my tail off =not eating like I did, trying to fit in a work out. And yes my husband wants me to be 120 pounds also. It's the f'ing truth. He said a few months ago "...when you were good looking.." Yes, he was talking about when I fit into my size 4s and 6s.

He is a porn addict/sex addict and he loves the perfect size woman - 0 to 6. Any race - just as long as they are thin. I've come across this everywhere I speak with men. Just ONE TIME did I meet a very strange dude who had a girlfriend that was obese and he said he liked her being obese and made sure she ate enough to keep her gaining weight - of course that was him getting off on abusing her also.

Men are visual and it is degrading to women - to be valued so much because of your looks and not because of you being a good human. There is nothing we can do to change this. It is what it is. It is how they were created and it is how we are still raising them. I'm not going to apologize to any man or woman who thinks I'm wrong. I'm not. Men are visual. They love their less than perfect wives, of course, but they would prefer in general to have a wife with a really really good body and nice face with nice hair - whatever they determine that to be.

So if you can and want to - go ahead and become the dream size that the world so covets (except some place somewhere in Africa where fat women are more valued then thin). Or don't. And let him deal with it.

Is he a perfect size? If he is - shucks. You can't throw that in his face then. But if he isn't - throw it constantly, like I have. Hurt me with words - I'll cut you too. It does stop them, trust me. They don't realize they aren't gods, even though they said they know they aren't gods, but when you repeat it to them back to them, all of a sudden, when there is pain they seem to understand what they have been thinking and saying to you.

That saying boys will be boys - really, it is in them to be less mature than women in general regarding sensitivity and feelings and maturity. Of course, though, they have built the world and have given the world all the conveniences, etc. And they can pick up heavy stuff (haha). So, I'm not sh*tting on all men - I'm just stating the differences between the two sexes. Men will never know what it is like to be judged by looks predominantly. They will never know what it is like to feel second class in their need to stare and sexualize women. On and on. I'm just trying to state that he was wrong to cheat, he was wrong to say if you lose weight I won't cheat. But it is the truth that men are visual and look at women on a sexiness scale and for most men, thin is number one - not anorexic - but thin. They love thin - yet they want us to eat with them and go out for burgers..............

P.S. I have to also state that at least he told you of his desires of you to be thin and that is HUGE. I wish all husbands would do this. Just tell us what is really going on in that head - the big head - of yours and deal with the outcome. We will be hurt. We may call you sexist pigs. We may hurl all sorts of accusations at you and you may have to read posts like mine - but at least you are being true to yourself and being honest and that is a such an accomplishment and women really do need to hear the truth unless you are just crazy.

[This message edited by mychild at 3:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Mychild, as you are new here, we ask that you please make yourself familiar with our website guidelines which can be found in the yellow box to the left. Particularly #8, as your post is full of generalizations about men and is offensive to our male members. Thank you.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44980 | Registered: Sep 2006
Phoenix9572
Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I too have gotten the I'm not attracted to you message. When DD happened we talked and talked and talked. One of the things he kept saying to me was, "you were so hot and I loved you so much". Wow! So does that mean you really only loved me for how I looked? I've lost about 50 lbs in the last 18 months and have about 60 more to go if I'm to be back to the "hot" weight I was at 19 (which was really underweight) I would be happy with myself if I can lose 30 more. At this point, I want to look good for me it's not worth doing it for him.


Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)

This is blatant blame shifting. He's trying to say HIS cheating was your fault because of your weight. NOT TRUE!!! It is HIS problem, and probably has nothing to do with your weight. He could have dealt with his lack of attraction in several ways. But he chose to cheat instead. Do not let him hurt you again in order to protect himself.

I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like your WH is the type that believes women are either Madonnas (Blessed Mothers, not the pop star) or Magdalenes (Sluts). Now that you are a mother, he sees you as a Madonna instead of the Sexy Magdalene he married. That is HIS problem that he needs to work out in IC.


(edited to add paragraph)

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:49 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 7