SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 26th (Friday)

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I had a ten month affair with a co-worker which was discovered 2 days ago by me BW... I am so disgusted by my behaviour really disappointed in myself. I have destroyed everything that was good in my life. I dont know if my BW will work with me on this? However I have decided to go to counselling to try and find out why I would ever do something so terrible. I was not brought up like this. I work in law-enforcement which is an extremely dysfunctional environment. This does not make a person good...it seems to skew morally good behaviour. I take full responsibility for my terrible behaviour. All the blame lays on me. I hope that my BW will find a glimmer of hope....or a sandgrain of good to work towards. I feel like a complete idiot. I have written her letters and poems and told her I love her and want us to make it through this. I have apologized to friends and family for my behaviour. I have really destroyed everything that is beautiful in my life. I am sorry to everyone that is listening.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Danntonio

BS here.

First, it sounds like you get it. You understand your behavior has put your life as you know it and your marriage at risk.

That's a good sign.

Go to the Healing Library and read everything on the BS side and WS side. You need to arm yourself with knowledge and understanding.

It's up to you to right your wrong. Through actions and behavior.

Do not blame it on your job. Ultimately it was YOU that chose to cheat. You need to figure out why you allowed yourself to do this.

IC for you and your BW is highly recommended.

She is extremely hurt and in shock. Stand beside her as she deals with the betrayal you have just handed her.

Lots of great people here that will answer your questions and help you as you find your way.

Good luck. It's a lot of hard work and is rough but you can do it if you are willing to do a deep dive into your actions and stand beside your BW as she navigates the waters.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:54 PM, July 26th (Friday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Thank you for listening. I have been trying to read as much as I can on this. My BW has asked that we move apart for a while. I am going to stay at my dads house and give her some space and time. I have contacted our EAP for referral to a counsellor. My BW does not want this for her as of yet. I will do everything I can to make her understand that I am going to address this. I am so sorry. Thank you again


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 26th (Friday)


..if i may ask..?? does your BW know about this site? .. would you be ok with her joining SI and getting support here with you??

..hope you both can find a way through this.

..smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Dann, this is a co-worker. What are you doing to limit contact with her?

You sound remorseful. That's a good start.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hi SMY.... My wife is still reeling from this. I have told her I have been trying to read everything I can to find some kind of answer and help. I will tell her about the site in a few days... As many posted here... "D-Day" was only 48 hours ago...
Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 26th (Friday)

20WrongsVS1.... thanks for replying.... I am not sending her any messages or anything. I will look at going to a different squad to avoid all contact. I dont know what to do to make this better.....I will do anything I can.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hi.. Does anyone know when I should send my BW a link to this site? Maybe its too soon?


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 26th (Friday)

IMO, get her onboard now. Being betrayed is a very isolating experience. Having a community of women who've gone through the same thing may be just what she needs right now.

Fair warning, though, it is not always easy to be a WS with a BS on SI :) You may be opening yourself up to some harsh judgments, but IMO both of you being here can accelerate the healing process, if you're both committed to R.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Sooner rather than later. If you do share the link then consider some ground rules for you guys as a couple like not posting on each others thread, not using the info here against each other and things like that.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hi there... I sent her a link. I have no idea if she will even look at it... I really hope she does.

As for opening myself up to criticism.... My behaviour deserves to be criticised. The way I mistreated her needs to be criticised. I have done something that makes me sick. I cannot change what I did...but I can positively change who I will be today and tomorrow...I hope she can see that as well..

Thanks


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Just mentioning this...while you feel you are having some great revelations about moving forward and becoming a better, safer person, and while you feel horrible for what you did and even shocked, I would suggest you don't expect anything positive from your BW about your change of mindset in the last two days.

Not saying you are going to do this...just mentioning it...because no matter how bad you feel or how positive you feel about the changes you are promising to make from here on out, they probably don't mean shit to your BW.

I hope you stick around, and I hope that your BW finds the help she will need to make it through this process.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Hi BaxtersBFF
I am hoping and going to try my best. I am sure you are right about my words meaning absolutely nothing.

I will stick around here for sure....I need to do as much as I can.....

Thanks for your comments..


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 26th (Friday)

Here are things that made me feel better/safer with my Wayward Law Enforcement Husband; He gave me his passwords to the confidential email, he closed down his facebook, he told his SGT and partners (who support me and our marriage), he agreed to give up his special detective position for a more regular job (in the end I didn't ask him to do this but it was important to me to know he would).

His Affair Partner was not law enforcement, but he agreed never to contact her again.

Most importantly, he stopped spending 12 hours a day at work and started coming home for family dinner at night. He stopped thinking that his job was so much more important than mine and started respecting my time by doing his share of household chores. He became involved in the kids' lives and now sees himself as an integral part of our family, not as the selfish guy trying to avoid us.


Posts: 601 | Registered: Sep 2012
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Hi RightTrack

Thank you...

I am also going to make changes that take me down the healthy right path. I am going to request changes to a different squad since it was a co-worker I was involved with. Law enforcement is a really unhealthy profession...and again I am taking 100% of the blame for my actions... But it is a place where morals become skewed. I am so sorry for hurting my wife and my friends...and family.

I am so glad yours made the right decision to see what is really and truly important in life. Your family...your respect and love.....I have really thrown this all away for nothing... I cant even look at myself.

Thank you for responding...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Betrayed444
Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Law enforcement is a really unhealthy profession...and again I am taking 100% of the blame for my actions... But it is a place where morals become skewed

Allow me to interject as a BS
The above is pure justification and blame shifting. It is denial. It is false rationalizing.
Cheating is unhealthy. 10 months is unhealthy. Look in the mirror.
It is all YOU.
Blaming the job is certainly starting out on the wrong foot.
I happen to know many people in law enforcement and they are some of the happiest and most morally adjusted people I know. Many would never cheat and they have no complaints. The individual allows themselves to become morally corrupt. Do not blame others.
You have a lot of work ahead of you. Probably more than 10 months. That is if your wife accepts your attempts at rehabilitation.
I apologize if I sound stern but if you want to work this out pull your head out of your 4 points of contact and put all the blame where it rightly belongs.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:16 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I work in law-enforcement which is an extremely dysfunctional environment. This does not make a person good...it seems to skew morally good behaviour.

I used to work in law enforcement, and WH and OW works in law enforcement. I 100% understand what you are saying.

You are an individual working in a difficult environment. When everyone around you is behaving a certain way, when you are surrounded by people in an environment that seems to draw a certain personality type, and you put all of those certain personality types together, it's not a good environment at all.

It's an environment where, in some cases, immoral behavior and infidelity are acceptable behaviors, and are, at times, rewarded. In fact, my WH just got a promotion, and is now the OW's boss. Really.

I worked for 2 different departments before I left for good. The first department, I was SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED at the rate of infidelity that was occurring. It was awful. It was everywhere, and nobody saw a problem with it. The 2nd department was very family oriented, and the one guy who did cheat on his wife, well, let's just say he was not rewarded for such behavior.

However, everyone is an individual and able to make their own choices. I didn't really read what you wrote as you were saying it wasn't your fault because of the environment where you work, but I can see where you are coming from. You are actually sorry for what you did, you got sucked in to a mob mentality, and you messed up. Big time.

Right now, if you want to make things right with your BS, you will need to make major changes and move mountains. Whether she takes you back or not, you need to do these things.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

It does sound like you get it and are being proactive about taking responsibility for the betrayal. Here's some advice coming from a BW.

Agree to whatever terms your BW asks for right now, but unless she doesn't want to hear a single word from you, nor receive written communication make it clear to her that you want to come home and be there to support her in any and every way possible. You need to fight for your marriage, and for her, and for the chance at reconciliation. Figuring out how to do that while respecting what she needs right now is your top priority.

Apologize to her. Then apologize again. Apologize in a different way. With gifts. With acts of service. With affection if she wants it. Then do it some more. And again the next day and the day after that, ad infinitum. Express your deep and humble appreciation that she is even willing to consider reconciliation, and do it every single day for the foreseeable future. This is really important.

Never, ever lie to her about anything to do with the A if she asks you a direct question. Don't spin, soften, or withhold anything. You don't have any right to decide what or how much of the truth she gets to know. You will only shoot yourself in the foot by doing so. Trust me, or ask around here in the wayward forum if you don't believe me.

If she doesn't ask for information immediately, don't offer anything up, but don't bury the memories. In fact, right now you should be working on a written timeline of your affair and surrounding activities. Make it as detailed as you possibly can. Include times, dates, places, activities, partners, your thoughts and feelings as you recall them, lies you told to cover it up, who knew about it, etc. Let her know you're doing it, both to aid in your own therapy, and because you want her to have the full facts when she's ready to know them. This also really, really important. Don't shirk this one. Again, ask other waywards how important this is.

Most of all, don't despair. That's a luxury you can't afford. Put your issues, pain, worries, fears, guilt, on the back burner right now and concentrate on the emotions and turmoil your BW is going through.

Good luck.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Betrayed444 sparkysable
rivenheart
Thank you all for the advice and criticism. I should not have mentioned anything about my career. I blame everything on myself and not one ounce on my job. I take full responsibility for my terrible actions.

I have been writing my BS a letter every day and apologizing for everything that I have broken. I told her I am going to give her whatever she needs. I told her that I joined this forum of which I am not proud of doing. I told her there are a lot of helpful people she could talk with if she wanted to. I have been in touch with EAP and am setting up counseling sessions for me... To try and figure out what is wrong with me. I was never brought up to think this behaviour was anything other than totally unacceptable. I told her over and over I love her and I will do whatever I can to help. I am going to stay at my parents house and give her some space... Maybe I can try to set up a coffee time with her once I am out...to maintain my communication with her and make sure she knows I am working on this issue 1000%
Thank you all for your help and suggestions...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Please read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is a quick and easy read and is outstanding. My WH said it helped him to "get it" and put intent into action better than all the IC and MC combined.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Tripletrouble
Thank you...I just downloaded that book and am reading now.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Thanks Tripletrouble....I just finished reading that book..... That was very good.....I will use it as a guide......

To my BW: I am so sorry....I am sorry for hurting you so much. I will do whatever I can to help, to make you feel better...I am hoping you keep that door open...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I'm glad you found it helpful. I think one of the greatest mistakes the wayward spouse makes in the days, weeks, and months following d day is to withhold facts or outright lie to minimize their spouse's pain or to save their own skin (referred to here as trickle truth). Don't do it. Again, don't do it. Those lies will haunt you both. Get the truth out there, no matter how ugly. I promise you this is critical. For what it's worth, I was dead set against even considering staying for about 2-3 weeks, but we are now working on it. Good luck to you and your wife.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Thank you Tripletrouble !!!

I only wish I could give the support I am getting in here to her. I am certainly not minimizing anything...I have profoundly apologized..... She did allow me to hug her today while she cried. She told me she was going away for a few days....perhaps visit her family. She told me the house has too many memories and dreams....and she thinks selling it is best. I hope I can help fix this huge mistake I have made. Thanks to all of you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
FaithStricken
Member
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

As a BS with a very remorseful WS and successful reconciliation (4.5 yrs out from D-day) here are some things I can say were important to me.

Be transparent ... even when you aren't specifically asked to be. This could mean providing phone records, passwords, sticking to a schedule, texting/calling with your whereabouts, don't lie, omit or minimize any details of your affair. Be truthful and take responsibility for your choices and actions.

I also needed my FWH to specifically acknowledge exactly how his betrayal affected me, our family and himself. "I'm sorry" is lame whereas I'm sorry for something specific is much more meaningful (Ex. risking your physical health, not being the man I promised to be, etc).

Furthermore, your actions will matter. Counseling, switching squads, patience, humility, helpfulness and unselfishness(chores, gestures of kindness)could be important.

I hope it works for you and your BW.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

"not just friends" by shirley glass is another book you can read. It addresses "the slippery slope" of how work relationships/friendships can cross the line. It sounds like you want to learn everything you can so I thought I would offer this up. It might be geared more towards the BS but there is info there that might offer you some insight. *hugs*
(ha! you are the first wayward i've *hugged* so you must be doing something right!)


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Hi FaithStricken and Canteat..
I have read about being sorry for specifics...Thank you for reminding me of that. I am reading whatever I can for my own glimmer of hope....a hope that my BW will see or give me one day again. It truly makes me absolutely sick at how much pain I just so selfishly gave her. One minute things were good and the next shattered beyond comprehension. I have been reading about the emotions one goes through....what I did was so terrible and I did NOT even think about that...so stupid and selfish.

Thank you for the name of the "not just friends" book. I will see where I can find it. Thats okay if its more for the BS....I can learn from it too...I really need to see the other side of this betrayel as I so selfishly didnt consider.

Thank you for the hug...I am going to try my best.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I''m going to chime in here as a BW and re-emphasize the critical importance of preparing that timeline with everything in it and of not hiding One Single Thing thinking that you don''t want to hurt your BW more, that she will never find out, or that you''re too embarrassed to admit to X.

Don''t do that. Don''t go down that road.

My FWH and I were at the promised land. We had just over a year of R in where he was doing everything right. Showing remorse, attending IC, MC, never shying away when I triggered, holding me when needed, backing off when needed. I thought that I had the model spouse, the model R, and was going to the model life. Trust was back, love was back, life was good.

Then I found the stash of porn that he had hidden from me for that year. And when I found it, he told me that he hid it from me even thought he knew it would hurt me, but he thought that I''d never find it.

We went back to day 1. Actually, we went worse than day 1. I left him. I walked out while he was at class and left him a You Win, Fuck Who You Want note on the door. And I was only coming back to throw him out of the house and finalize our separation agreement. It took some drastic action from him for me to be here now. We''re still working on my having lost all trust in him.

Let this be a cautionary tale to you. Tell everything. Hold nothing back. Be truthful. Don''t leave your partner behind. Best of luck.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Ashamed I am..... thank you for replying to my post Skan

She has not asked me about details yet......I know I dont want to answer those difficult questions....but I KNOW....to lie about about them is a guarantee for failure... I am trying to clean up everything I messed up......I understand that.....I have porn on my computer.....I am deleting....as I know it cant be healthy......I deleted friends from Facebook.....I have made counseling appts.....I am going to make this my purpose in life to make my wife feel as secure and happy as she can......I am going to try.......I love her so much.....and I feel like such a piece of garbage.....I am not looking for pity...sympathy...I am looking for answers....criticism...anything


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Danntonio, Firstly, I'm glad to see you here asking for advice and most importantly acting on it. It's a good sign, keep it up.


First and foremost you must dig into yourself and work out what it was inside you that allowed you to betray someone you say you love. What was it that you told yourself to make that an OK thing to do. Right now, that is probably the most important thing you can be doing for yourself and your BW - I'm glad to see that you've already started on that path by setting up counseling. Your BW needs to see how seriously you are taking this and how hard you are working to find out what is broken inside you - telling her you are working on it won't work - but her seeing your actions on this will be invaluable - so follow through on this.


Try to show your wife how much you love her and want her too - act on what you have read in How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. If your wife does give you the chance to work on R with her, try to find out what her love language is, if she will let you, and show her love in the language that means the most to her. You can read all about that in this book;


The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.


..and finally, even if your wife hasn't asked for details yet - there is a good probability that if she does decide to try to R with you, that she will in the future. Plan for this now by following the excellent advice that Rivenheart gave you earlier in this thread:


If she doesn't ask for information immediately, don't offer anything up, but don't bury the memories. In fact, right now you should be working on a written timeline of your affair and surrounding activities. Make it as detailed as you possibly can. Include times, dates, places, activities, partners, your thoughts and feelings as you recall them, lies you told to cover it up, who knew about it, etc. Let her know you're doing it, both to aid in your own therapy, and because you want her to have the full facts when she's ready to know them. This also really, really important. Don't shirk this one.


I wish you well Danntonio, you seen to have woken up fast and are being pro-active. Because of that I do hope your wife gives you a chance to help her heal and to R your marriage. Good Luck.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

You might want to hold off on deleting stuff. I don't know; it's a tough call. Deleting can look like hiding/lying to a newly BS. Truth is, in some ways any action the WS takes can feel like the wrong thing to do from the BS's perspective when so close to d-day. Except telling the truth, of course. Never lie.

I second the recommendation that you establish transparency in everything for your BW. If you can, take pictures of yourself throughout the day that show where you are, who you're with. Send them to her. Eliminate one set of doubts, a level of uncertainty in her mind. Uncertainty about your day to day is the last thing she needs right now. Give her your passwords to everything.

One other thing. It is very typical for a BS to not feel anger/rage towards the WS soon after d-day. Very often they only feel utterly crushed and broken. Often all the rage is directed at the AP. It's really, really important that you never - in any way - defend the AP or even slightly appear to take her side against your BW. You may want to deflect all blame and culpability onto yourself. That's noble, but it doesn't matter right now. You may fear your BW will expose or confront the AP. That doesn't matter right now. What's absolutely critical is that you never give her ANY reason to feel that you have the smallest shred of loyalty to AP. Let your BW feel all the rage she's going to feel towards the AP. She has a right to it. And you owe AP nothing, and your BW should never see you sparing one iota of concern for her. Of course, don't shift blame onto AP either. Admit that you were both wrong, both guilty, but your betrayal was the bigger one, because you were the one who promised to love and be faithful to BW.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Rivenheart and Sinsofthefather.... Thank you for your help.

Deleting things.....I want to get rid of anything that reminds my BW about what happened. She has already started doing that. I think I have ensured that the last ten months of her life was a lie... I need to make sure that everyday after this is complete truth. Thank you...she is texting me from her cousin's place and sending me emails so...I hope the communication continues.

I started a journal here on this site. I can use that as a timeline and give it to her if she asks.

I love you so much...and I have hurt you in the deepest way I could have. I am sorry for lying and cheating and causing this trauma to you and our families. I take full responsibility for everything I have done. Our marriage was a beautiful garden...and I cherish the smallest hope that I can help it flourish again. I do...I love you so much.

Thanks for your advice and support....really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Another day of sending my BS emails and texts telling her how much I love her so much. Telling her how I am taking steps.... I told her I now have my appt with a EAP counselor on Thursday....at 1330. She told me today in an email that we should continue to do the renos to our house...but she didnt say that we should sell it asap as she did post-D-Day... she said we can just get those done and see. She also said she would go to counseling on her own right now... so I immediately got her a referral as well. She told me she keeps reading my I love you's over and over but so far...what words were once cherished....they are not to be believed now. She also said that with action perhaps they will....but she isnt sure on whether that will help. I also told her that I am securing a place for me to live to give her the space and time...and she thanked me...
I am putting this in my journal...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I wasn't saying you shouldn't have mentioned your career. I'm glad you did. I've been saying that there is something about law enforcement that seems to breed that type of behavior, and nobody believes me.

Have you ended things with the OW? Do you still work with the OW?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Sparkysable...thank you

Yes...absolutely ended it. I avoid everything she has done to communicate to me. The other day at work she came in to talk. I told her "what I did was absolutely wrong. I am blaming nobody but myself. I have turned to my few good friends to for support. I have no support for you." She said "oh...so I get it...I am the disposable one?!" I said "I am 1000% giving whatever it takes to fix my relationship with my BS....and that is where all of my support is going". She said she was going to transfer out. I told my BS that I would go to a different crew or transfer out...whatever it would take. Its my behavior though that is wrong.....I need to fix something and address it. I made the counseling appt to try and shed light on how to rebuild what a healthy decent person is composed of.
My BS texted me today and told me that she misses us...our home...our dreams.....me and her. It made me cry so hard..... I need her and I need to rebuild everything with her...I am so sorry for being a liar..a cheater...a morally corrupt partner.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I am not blaming law-enforcement or my job on my behavior. Not one bit....I made very poor decisions. Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A Guide for Officers and Their Families by Kevin Gilmartin is a book that is very helpful...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I just read something in The Healing Library in an article by Erica...."You must communicate what you are feeling no matter how crazy it sounds...they can't read our minds. I wanted my husband to say my name...not pet names that could apply to anyone. He had to be soft and gentle."

I have been using my BS name...nothing else. I am trying to direct my words to her.... She is still away for a few more days....I am going to stay at my parents down the road a bit....for a while.....so I am close... I want her to know that I am so intent on trying to heal what I have done.....to make sure she knows I love her so....so much...and how wrong I was... That I am addressing what is wrong with my behavior....

I'm sorry if my post has become more of me rambling on.....but it seems to help. I am trying to do the right thing....I am very sorry to every person out there who has been hurt by people like me. I am sorry to my family. I am so sorry to my beautiful BS.... I love you so much !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
jsmith032077
New Member
Member # 39726
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Danntonio, I think your posts are great, and as long as they are helping you then keep on doing it. As long as you are completely honest with your BS then I think you are so far doing all the right things. You're doing everything that I wish my WW would have done from the beginning. If she had we would be much further along in our R. Its going to hurt and it might have a horrible outcome, but I feel you need to tell her every detail she asks for. If you hold back anything or anything comes out later you'll be right back at square one.

You seem to be truly sorry for what you have done and willing to do anything to make this as right as it can be. I hope everything turns out good for you.


ME: 36
WW: 32

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Question... I am so happy that my BS....has supported my counseling appts I have arranged.... She thinks it might be better to go to the same counselor....so we can go together at some point...

When do/should we go together?

Thanks,


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
rivenheart
Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

When do/should we go together?

Let the counselor and BW make that decision between the two of them.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Be patient with her. Make sure she gets the support she needs with a counselor and or trusted friend. Don't stop apologizing. Get yourself some help. Read "how to help your spouse recover from your affair." (Amazon) give your spouse access to your email and cell phone and any other method of contact you were in with that person. Send a no contact letter with your wife to that person.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Hi Rivenheart / womaninflux
Day by day....I am trying to take the right steps...NO CONTACT with the OW is already done....I told her that too..."my support is with my wife and our marriage and none for you".
I know nothing about therapy...I was too ignorant to think I didnt need it........ I will go to therapy....and take suggestions from them......
Thank you both for offering help.......
I am sorry BS...I am so sorry and was so wrong for hurting you...I am going to try to help this


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Would you be willing to share your thoughts as to why you did it? And why you think your environment had a negative influence on you?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Why? A long time ago...when I was married to my first wife (did not end thru Betrayal) I worked at a university in research. It was a very professional environment. I became friends with one women who started telling me about her personal life etc and finally ended up asking me to have an affair. I felt sick to my stomach and said NO I would never do that..and we never talked again. After I became employed with law-enforcement....where it seemed it was just dysfunction day in and day out. It seemed normal for people to gossip about who was sleeping with whom. It seemed normal to openly talk about sex and sleeping with other people....... This dysfunction came to be a day to day thing. I never talked or thought like that when I worked at the university. There is an endless amount of time to talk to people....meet for coffee...socialize... There isnt much to do if nothing is happening. There is a high level of stress at certain points....and what would be horrific to people not in this arena....becomes a joke to many of us. I am not blaming my job...please...I am just saying that it is very dysfunctional and can twist reality very negatively. I was never very flirty or anything like that....but I started to become that way....very flirty...and it seemed all well and fine amongst my colleagues. And .... it fed my ego to have positive replies to my flirting....and one day the OW said "I have an open marriage"....and thats where it began. I dont know how my morality became so twisted to think it was right.....but it did. I KNOW this is totally wrong....I need to mend this for myself and my BS. Today I received an email from her. She told me that she will attend counseling as I said yesterday...and she HOPES that it will shed light on something ....the smallest bit to hold on to and rebuild. She said she is not offering false promises....but she said she is willing to try. I love you so much and I am so sorry....I am trying to feel your pain.... I am going to try and make this better.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Exactly! You just verified exactly what I have been telling people, and nobody ever believes me! I'm not making excuses for it, but everything you are saying is true.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Again....I made my own terrible choices. I am at fault.

My BW is on her way home from visiting with family right now. She has kept the door open to see if we can regain what I burned. I am staying here tonight and then to my dad's down the road. I bought her a plant and left a note beside it..."I hope you take this plant and water it every day....and as you do you will see it grows into beautiful flowers.... As I am going to do with us if you let me try one day....I love you so much...I hurt you so bad....I want to help rebuild everything I have shattered...I love you"

Thank you for all your advice.... Thank you...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I am not sure what day it is.....BS came home from her visiting her family in Calgary...Cousin and sister...She liked the fries and hamburger I bought her...there were some home shows on tv we had on...although I wasnt paying an attention...I told her what stuff I had got done in regards to our renos..and to look out for the wasp nest in out jacuzzi out back..... I told her I would gather some clothes and go to my sisters/dads tomorrow.....after a while.....I hugged her and we held each and cried.

Day by day....trying...counseling in a couple days.....I look at her beauty and wonder why??? She is the sweetest person I have ever known...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

So my BS is home alone ....I am not too far at my dad's. I keep telling I love her....I keep telling her I am so sorry for lying and betraying her. I am going to counseling tomorrow afternoon. I hope this is a step towards righting everything that I have done wrong. I am determined....I love her and our life.

I will let you know what the outcome of the session is..I really have no idea on what to expect?

[This message edited by Danntonio at 8:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

My poor BW.....whom I have hurt so badly...to me that....she doesnt hate me....but she hates what I did to her...our family.....the way she feels..the despair...the loss...the emptiness.....she hates the idea of a future without me.....
I am so sorry....my beautiful wife...I am.

Does anyone have suggestions for how I should respond? I feel so terrible...and I need to make her feel better....

Thank you...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Went to counseling....Day 1.. I filled out a short questionnaire about this and that.... She brought me into a comfortable room....After talking with her for a while I became more comfortable..... Some of the issues that came up:

1) I was completely faithful in my initial marriage of 13 or so... What happened?
2) I started a relationship with a woman I met on my law-enforcement training...whom I was faithful with.... We delved into swinging a bit....not much....but we did do it. My gf and I broke up for unknown reasons....
3) I continued dating...on dating sights and so forth...and when I met my BS...I was into full dating mode.....dating lotsa people was okay...sheesh I had done swinging a bit....
4) met BS and decided she was the one I wanted most.....but I never kicked the dating mode.... flirting continued at work.....I didnt flirt like that when I first started at work.....and even when I met the BS.....it seemed okay to do that and more...(although I wasnt unfaithful...I might as well have put a card outside my door saying....free to play).....I married BS....I love her so much......I am 100 wrong..... but we swinged too....for a couple years...not much...and then she wanted to stop........but I continued to think I was in a swinging playing way....WTF??????? The therapist is right....I have been acting like I have been in a single dating mode........NOT like I am a married committed man....

She gave me an activity to do until our next session......write down all the things that come to mind ...when you think about committed marriage.....

My BS is also going to see her this coming week......I hope it works.....

BTW...I have cut ties......completely as I said a few posts ago.....I have undone the lock on my phone...and I will give her access to all my accounts....the Therapist said that my words mean NOTHING....my ACTIONS are the ONLY thing that can make a difference......the only thing...and SHE is in the drivers seat... Ask HER what I can do for her...or what she wants me to do....

I am trying...I love my wife so much....I do I do


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Danntonio:

You've posted a lot in a relatively short period. While I'm very thrilled to see you getting the most out of this site and working through your problems in a very open way, consider that the pain you're going through is very fresh because of how recent it is. Hell, it sounds as if you're in a bit of shock yourself.

Just be gentle with yourself and with her. Don't try to control, and don't try to force things to go a certain way. You've already done the damage, now you have to wait the collateral damage out. Do you think you can handle it?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

KBeguile...thanks man...I just need to talk I guess....yes I am in shock....
I am ready for any fallout...I am..... I love my wife too much...to not be able to accept responsibility for what I have done.....Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I was completely faithful in my initial marriage of 13 or so... What happened?
OK, so yeah, what did happen?
My gf and I broke up for unknown reasons....
there had to be a reason...
.it seemed okay to do that and more...(although I wasnt unfaithful...I might as well have put a card outside my door saying....free to play)..
why? What changed to make it seem OK?
I am 100 wrong..... but
careful here... watch out for these buts. This indicates, to me at least, that you don't fully own the responsibility of your actions.
she wanted to stop........but I continued to think I was in a swinging playing way.
so she wanted to stop, but you didn't?and did you continue to internalize these feelings? How did that make you feel? Do you think this began a deep seated cultivation of resentment on your part?

Gently now, I see a pattern here throughout your history. It seems you have historically felt a victim of circumstance, and have not fully owned your involvement in these events. This is where you need to start, by taking ownership of your actions, and in turn of how they have impacted your current wayward thinking and the choices you have made. By doing so, you will be able to identify what you need to change, and the proper steps to take in order to truly heal, and learn to live an honest and authentic life. After all you cannot truly be authentic, if you aren't being fully honest with yourself now, can you?

I think you are on the right track, and your heart seems to be in the right place, just know that this whole process is a giant rollercoaster, and you may be in for quite a ride.

Keep on posting, reading, writing, and learning. Remember when you've got your cranium jammed up your backside, folks here will call you out on it, but also point you in the right direction to pull out, and when you get it right, folks will be supportive. best of luck to you, Danntonio!

(Edited for typos)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 11:04 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

CinnamonGurl

1. What happened and what changed between my first marriage the person I became? I dont know.
2. Second gf: I asked her one day "hey you dont look happy...dont you want this anymore?" She said I dont know what I want and left the next day. We had not fought or done anything else. However we did do soft swinging and I now think that is not keeping in what a monogamous relation should entail. I am NOT blaming anyone but myself. I made my own choices.
3. I dont know why I kept on in a dating frame of mind once we broke up. Being on dating sites and that sort of thing seemed to change the way I viewed relationships....and NOT for the better...
4. Responsibility: I am accepting full blame. I am going to address my relationship/marital/personal issues with the help of reading, talking, the help of as much counseling I need....I need to do this for myself and my wife and family. I cannot live like this. I am not happy with myself as I examine my behavior more and more.
I thank everyone for your help and time.

[This message edited by Danntonio at 10:13 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Hi everyone ... I called my BW before i came jome from work..... I told her i would stop home to help her with something... I did ... we tslked ... i apologized agsin to hurting us ... it hurts do bad ... these cuts run deep... Later I asked my BS if she wanted supper tonight ... I could pick her up something... So she said yes ... Was there fur a couple hours ... Talking about general stuff... Great ... Something on the news came on about cheating Hollywood stars... I said great timing ET.. I changed the channel when she said she didn't want to hear that ... I again told her and cried I am going to do everything I can to make this right ... I love her so.. ...

I also made an official request to transfer squads...

I am not religious but the chaplain I know ... Wrote me a note and we are going to meet ...

Thank you everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Dantonio, I pointed out these things because I feel that they warrant some deep thinking. I don't need an answer, I think you do. And the only way to find these answers is to dig deep within yourself and begin some serious soul searching. Best of luck to you.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Just an FYI to those of you that have posted about the work place/community you are in having an influence on infidelity. There is a section in "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass about that. You may think that people don't believe its real-but research shows otherwise. Check it out.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

Thank you CinnamonGurl....

I guess I was just trying answer them myself....I am trying to be the absolute best I can be...to I am not MAD at getting 'caught'....this was/is a huge issue in my life that caused a lot of people deep pain. I DO need to investigate this... I have cried to my dad....many times telling him over and over...I am sorry.."this is not the person I KNOW you raised me to be" I know that....I can remember when I knew it was WRONG....now I have hurt a woman I love so much....I need to find out why I made those choices......

Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Thanks canteat re: Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass. I am trying to get a hold of that book. Another member pointed me in that direction already.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Read this too:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

If you reply to it - even; "bump", it will re-appear on the 1st page of the WW forum.
(You might help others who don't know of it right now)
Good luck.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

jjct <<<< thanks for the link to Topic: Things that every WS needs to know... I had read it already...but just reread it !! I also read the FAQ's in the Healing Library: From the Betrayed Spouse for the Former Wayward Spouse... SO much really good information and help here. Thanks to everyone !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)

BS here..

I am glad that you are going to speak to your chaplain..

I find my chaplain friends very non judgmental..

As long as you know/feel in your heart that you are HONESTLY committed to your W for LIFE, there will be patience and perseverance that comes through in your words and actions..

You will DO WHAT IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES to make her feel safe and secure..

The path to R will be rocky, frustrating, and exhausting but if you both are committed and patient you will grow as people..

It is essential for the both of you to have in real life support..

My thoughts and prayers are with you..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Glad to see these posts. I am fairly new to SI and you have let me see the other side of my story. My WH has a story much like yours. We are now almost 8 months past DD and I feel his sincerity as you explain yours.
It seems you are sincere and ready to reevaluate what is most important in your life. As a BS, I know your BW will need constant reassurance of fidelity and love. If you do that, it has a good chance of making your R a success.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

doggiediva and 5674emt

Thank you so much for responding...

I think the Chaplain will help.....I know he can...I know I need help....so I can mend my marriage, my life and family. I need to find a way of mending myself too.... I was reading an FAQ in the section about Q's from BS to WS..... something that was said...about it wasnt about what was lacking in my marriage...as I cant think of a single thing. I cant. But it was something that was lacking in me. I dont know what that means...But its all me is what I know. There is nothing that my marriage or BS made me do this.
My wife goes to see a counselor Wednesday.... I know that she can help with the trauma in ways I just cannot right now. I am trying everyday to show her by Action that I am doing what is what I want to do....to help her...
I like someone's signature on here..."Love is an Verb" I think? I started thinking about that.....knowing that words unaccompanied by action mean very little


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Yes Danntonio that has become the "slogan" for our relationship as we try to R. It hurt me for my WH to say that he loved me while he cheated. I responded that love is not an ethereal feeling, it is a verb! Feeling love towards someone is pointless if it is not backed by loving actions. I have followed your post and am glad to see you putting your wife ahead of everything right now and taking ownership. All the best to you both.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Oh Thanks Tripletrouble... I am using that a lot now in my thoughts.... I had never thought of that before in my life. That small quote helps...thanks.

I also read something in the FAQ section about the A being a fake life and not real and a fog of delusion.... I am so new at this ....but I think that seems so clear now....It is NOT a world that I ever want to live in again for many reasons....its destructive, it hurts...its fake and I take full responsibility in its manufacture....hurting so many people. I dont know if what I am reading in the FAQs is right or not...I am too new and finding this reality.....that I dont know.. But it just rings true. There is no one better than my wife...there is nothing better than my home and family. For a shallow selfish reason I let that play out....absolutely trading everything for nothing. I dont know....its F*d up...
Thanks to you and all....

[This message edited by Danntonio at 12:21 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Every place I've ever worked has been dysfunctional in a way that promotes infidelity.

It seems a bit ( or a lot) like blame shifting to bring it up, when discussing why a particular person cheated. All work places encourage infidelity. Because the people who work in those workplaces lack the ability to stay faithful. It's not the workplace, it's the people in it and their inability to deal with life on its terms.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Hi everyone...

I think I said earlier....that I should have never brought that up...i.e. what type of work I do. I can only compare it to when I worked at a university for five years. It seemed like a much healthier environment in many ways.

I take full responsibility for everything I have done. I have been reading about why an A sickened me 15 years ago and I never ever would have even considered it....to now...where its happened...... Ive certainly compartmentalized what I think of 'good me' with what I think is 'bad me'....However, my priority is to my BS.... I know its gong to be so hard....I know its going to hurt for a long long time. But I am going to help her. I love her so much.

Thank you everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
fubar123
New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

You sound like you are very sorry and love your wife with all your heart, I hope all works out for you both. So many of us on here wanted so much for our spouses to be sorry for the amount of pain and damage they have caused our family, and never got so much as an apology. I have gotten nothing but anger and blame. You are atleast taking responsibility for your actions. All the best to you both. Take care of yourself and each other.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

It seems a bit ( or a lot) like blame shifting to bring it up, when discussing why a particular person cheated. All work places encourage infidelity. Because the people who work in those workplaces lack the ability to stay faithful. It's not the workplace, it's the people in it and their inability to deal with life on its terms.

Ok, hang on. To ignore that certain professions expose an individual to things that can really affect them is ignorant.

My ex is a firefighter in a city that ranked in the top ten for crime and violence. He's rolled on children beaten or starved because their parents are too drugged out to feed them, shot because they were in the wrong place, DV cases, young runaway overdoses. . He's had guns pulled on him by gang members demanding he save their family member or fellow homey. He's been attacked while trying to save the very person that's attacking him as well as cursed at.

Think that doesn't change you? You bet your ass it does and to chalk that up to blameshifting is ridiculous. It's a simple fact. It doesn't excuse anything or justify it. What it does is enable you to understand that the human mind does things to enable its owner to not go off the rails.

Understanding that and partnering with your wife to share and reach out to her can really help. My ex used to go into his cave mentally and withdraw. Didn't want to talk about it or "bring the ugly" (as he put it, which I thought was a perfect description) home. It creates almost a battlefield mentality.

It wasn't until I started volunteering with DV victims and going on ride alongs with cops that I saw this shit too and we started to share and talk about it. Made a HUGE difference.

You need to do what it takes to get healthy for you. You're in a high stress high adrenalin profession. Chemical overload right there. Cortisol and adrenalin are quite the cocktail. Healthy coping skills and thought processess are critical in dealing with this. They are in any situation, however awareness of the risks of your environment is important in fine tuning those and being hypervigilent.

Be open, honest, transparent, and learn to let go of outcomes. I know the wise BS's gave you very good advice. It's critical you understand, though, if you are doing this only for her you will be failing before you even start.

These changes and work needs to be done regardless of the outcome of the marriage, not to bring about an outcome.

As the old thought processes and coping skills are evicted don't forget to fill that space with new ones. Otherwise you'll have a gaping hole and your tried and true defaults will naturally fill that space. It will feel odd for a while as you adjust. It's so worth it! Painful but so so worth it!!!

[This message edited by uncertainone at 11:31 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

uncertainone & fubar123...thank you..

I have decided that regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I need to renew my thought processes and coping mechanisms... I am trying to read about how I can try to do that. I have another counseling session in a couple weeks...I will bring this up.
In regards to my BW...my primary concern right now is her...and helping her. I am really hoping the counselor can help her see that my behavior is my doing and not hers. I love her so much and telling her that probably doesnt make any sense at all to her....but I tell her that day after day...and tell her how I am going to help...rebuild....regain evrything we had...step by step...
I just talked with her on the phone...she used to see 'bye sweetie, I love you' now nothing....I hurt her so bad.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 5th (Monday)

I just wanna everyone to know I am trying....I met my BW today to do home stuff...and spent five wonderful hours with her.....I love her...
I really am working to make that happen........I have hurt her in the worst way......so low.....I am sorry.... Your smile makes my day....and I am so kicking myself for that.......


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Danntonio - I am a BS who just found this site last week. I occasionally read the WS side just to try to get inside the head of a WS to help my understanding.

Your pain and remorse sound genuine to me and I believe that is a huge start. It sounds like you are trying, through both your words and actions, to make reparations with your W. You are also looking "inside" to find why you allowed yourself to make these terrible choices. I commend you for all of that. R is not possible without all of the above. The road is rocky. Two steps forward, one back. Sometimes 5 back... (ugh). R is REALLY hard. I told my H the other day that we both have to fight like h*ll for what we want if we want it to work.

Don't expect support from people who've never been in your situation (you or her). They will never get the complexity of emotions. They will get tired of listening to you. This site is great for getting that "BTDT" feedback, but expect that it can also be harsh at times.

Just keep working at it, and work harder when you feel like you should just give up. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you will know you tried your hardest and will have healed some of yourself in the process. Pat yourself on the back for the things you are doing right. Look at the small successes and try not to focus on the long term (that one's from my MC)! *hugs*


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 5th (Monday)

PS:
Also wanted to mention that we both found the "5 Love Languages" helpful. And defintitely "How to Help Your Spouse Heal". I am currently reading "After the Affair" - also worth the read. "Not Just Friends" just arrived and is next!

Early on, I read "Forgiveness is a Choice". I found this extremely helpful. Took excerpts out for our extended family which helped them as well. This may be helpful for your W, but I'm not sure how it would be received coming from you?

Good luck!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 632 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 5th (Monday)

I also suggest reading "After the affair, healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms....wonderful insite into what your wife is going through and how you can help her. It is also a wonderful book for the two of you to read because it is written for both the BS and the WS.

Continue doing everything in your power for your wife even if you know she isn't getting it. She is in a horrible place right now and only your consistent, kind, remorseful acts will help her slowly get through the hell.

As a BS, those were the most important things for me to see.

Good luck, it sounds like you truly want to get to the bottom of this.

T (BS)


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 5th (Monday)

My fWH took care of me after dDay and it did help me even later. Because I considered his present treatment of me as the months passed to discern his love and caring.

Actions speak more loudly than words after someone betrays you and lies. Words need to be backed up by consistent action and transparency.

It's also good you are spending time together. I've read that being separated can lengthen the R when that begins because there is less time to interface. But some people need the separation or distance.

Arming yourself with information on how you can help, being sincerely remorseful and actively taking care of your W will go a long way towards helping you both. You are off to a good start.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:42 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 5th (Monday)

hi everyone.. Thank you for your input and book suggestions. A friend of mine also recommended "5 Love Languages"...So thank you !!!

I have obviously been doing a LOT of thinking. To make this 'better' with a simple "I Love You and I will never do it again" would never have worked even if my BS had accepted that. I really need to look at what is wrong with my thinking to allow such an act of betrayal to occur. I never thought of myself as a bad person yet I put in motion the destruction of my wonderful marriage and wife ???? I find it a step forward to come to the realization that there is something more going on in me to allow that to happen...something I need help to address. Professional help is needed. Absolutely essential... If I had not come to see that aspect.... I could not see full success at all.

Thanks again everyone...I hope the best to you all !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
ceilingwalker
Member
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 5th (Monday)

At least you are owning what you did. I wish my wife would. Been one month since I walked in on her and another man, in my bed. She still insists that it is all my fault. She will "say" it is both of our fault but the finger is continually waved in my face. Oddly enough, I am the one kissing her ass to try to keep our family together. That was my first clue that I needed help, that's insane that the BS kisses the WS's ass! Give your BS any and all access to your things and expect uncomfortable questions, be open and most of all, honest. Your BS will experience moments of rage, roll with it and know that you have just changed how they view the world. This is a very big deal!


My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 5th (Monday)

ceilingwalker... Thank you. I am doing what think is the only right thing to do..take ownership of the destruction I caused. I know that I changed the way she views the world.....I made her view pretty damned dismal. My job to make it beautiful again one day.

Thanks for sharing your story....and I wish you well in your recovery from that. I do.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Hi..
I asked my BS out to a movie tonight...and we did... It was good. I also told her the OW texted me a few times...and I gave her my phone. I told her that I have NO CONTACT with her(and it showed by the text). I asked her what she wanted me to do. We are deciding what to do. She asked me that I only let her know when she texts or whatever and I said absolutely...my phone will never be locked...you have access to everything....I will draft a response and send it to you and then her if you approve. No locked boxes or hidden folders or anything. I love my BS so much..my wife and I am so sorry..I will fix this and me and make things better...I so promise...you, myself, my family...
Thanks to all...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Just one suggestion: change your phone number. It was a huge issue for me that WH refused to do it, saying he'd had that number for x years and everyone knew it, it was also for work, blah, blah. Result was MOW bombarded him with texts and calls. And he wouldn't do it for me. His phone number was more important to him than me or our marriage.

Is there some reason why you can't change the number?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thanks UKgirl

Over that past few days...I agree. I have been receiving texts from the OW "oh I miss you...call me"why wont you talk with me?" etc. I deleted at first out of anger then showed my BS. I told her I am not talking with her at all and it was apparent by the text. My BS said "I know you have not been emailing her as she has been emailing me about how much this was my fault" I thought...oh man...this person is delusional and manipulative...she is trying to undermine what I am doing to save my marriage... so I can be with her..... I told my BS that....I told her I thought that is exactly what she is doing....causing more stress between us while writing me "I miss you notes". I told my BS that I want nothing to do with her at all. Any suggestions or comments?

On another hand...today was a hard day...as my BW as me pointed questions about who what where when why......very hard.....I told her things that made her so unhappy...but what am I going to do? I cant hide now...I can only try to improve and make sure I change....to help her an my marriage..... OMG...its so hard...and I love my wife so much...I am so sorry...I am .. I am


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

BTW....I had "thought" I thought had a written a NC letter when I told her "NO....I have no support to you...I have only my support for my wife and family"


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

If the OW is still texting and emailing, the way forward is to hand write a no contact letter, to change your phone number and to block her on your emails. You deal with her at work and you keep her out of your life at all other times.

The no contact letter could be something like this:

Dear OW,

I am writing to reiterate that any relationship we had is over. What I did was selfish, thoughtless and cruel and I acted in a way I didn’t think I was capable of. It is the biggest regret and mistake of my life and has caused a great deal of pain to my wife, who I love dearly.

I want to work on my marriage and, in order to do so, any future interaction with you will be on a purely professional level. I will not respond to texts or emails that are of a personal nature. I am in the process of changing my personal phone number and email address so there is no point in trying to contact me in that way. I am sharing all information with my wife.

Please respect my wish that you do not contact me. I would also request that you do not contact my wife as she has no wish to receive any further emails from you.

Danntonio

Any letter you write should be shared with your BW and that she agrees with the content. Telling the OW obviously hasn’t been enough. When you give her the letter, tell her this is the last time you will mention the affair.

You have been given excellent advice and you are matching your words with actions. But these are very early days. Be prepared for anything. Good luck to you both.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Have you or your BS thought about contacting the OW's BS? I would bet that their marriage isn't as open as she says it is.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3169 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Hi UKgirl and sparkysable

Thanks for that letter..I will use it as a template. Thank you.

Oh there marriage is not as open...but at the beginning HE told me it was... so I don't know...I have no concern for them whatsoever. All of my support and concern is for my BW and trying to fix the mess I created. She went to her first counseling session today...and said it was helped to go. She also made another appt. a couple weeks from now.

Thanks so much !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Hi Everyone.. I have been spending a lot of time with my BW....non pressure time...doing our renos...having supper....But I am still staying at my mom and dads house. She went to see the counselor the other day... She said it was good. I really am trying to me positive with her.... I hug her and tell her I love her a few times throughout the day...to let her know.. I let her know I am so sorry for creating this mess. I tell her I love her. I am not putting any pressure on her....just being around her and doing positive things around the house. I love her so much and I have made such a ugly mistake. I will never forget the pain I put her through.

Thanks everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I have a comment/suggestion....
the next time that OW emails your wife, have your wife reply with a "do not contact me again or I will take legal action against you for harassment" response.
If/when OW emails/texts you about personal matters...ignore it and inform your wife. If OW doesn't just stop on her own after a bit, then speak to a L about your options.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 9th (Friday)

gonnabe2016 Thanks so much for the advice..I will consider that...I dont want to create anymore mind you...I just want that aspect to disappear.

Legal Action.... my employer would defn step in to say stop with the harassment. I think....

I have made such a mess of my BW's life and mine... I am determined to make amends...I am. I hope I can. I love you so much .... I will feel the pain I caused you for the rest of my life..and make sure you know I love you and respect you forever..

Thanks so much everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Hi all..just an update...I have been staying at my dad/sisters house for a couple weeks.....and going home everyday to be with my BW...we do working around the house and talk...I hold her and tell her I am going to make things better. We both have counselor sessions coming up in the next few weeks.....thats good...I want my wife back so bad.....I do....what a terrible stupid situation I have led us into.....

Thanks for all your help


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone.... I just want to update what is happening in my situation. I have been spending every minute of my time at my house with my BW (even though I am staying at my dad's house). we have been just doing work around the house and things. I asked her a couple days ago if she wanted to go away somewhere. Last night she sent me a message to pick somewhere to go... Montreal, Mexico, etc... So I found a vacation to Disneyland where we were married ..... She was pretty happy and we booked the flight and hotel together tonight. I hope I pray I wish I want this to work...I am so sorry....I have crushed a beautiful girl and I am going to do the best to make things better.

A little light is better than a dark hell....Thank you everyone....really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 16th (Friday)

Hi all. My BS and I are off to Disneyland or 5 days today....where we were married a few years ago. I hope this also helps heal the wounds... I really do. She is the one who suggested we go... a good sign....thanks to all : )


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

It is a good sign. Still take things gently and expect the unexpected. I truly hope it is a healing time. Good luck. Check in when you get back and let us know how it went.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 17th (Saturday)

I'm glad for you too Danntonio. It seems your wife is noticing your ACTIONS - so make sure you keep them up and keep digging for your answers in IC.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 17th (Saturday)

Your story is one I am keeping track of. It is nice to see someone other than my WH is making great effort to win back their life. You are included in my prayers for R success. Keep on posting


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)

Hi all.... I wanted to give an update. I am a WS....trying to help my BW and our marriage survive after a 10 month affair with a co-worker.

We went to Disneyland and it was awkward at first. I reserved a room with 2 queen beds...and I took one and she the other....in the morning....by the morning...we were together in one..... the trip was really good and it was like none of this had ever happened at all.....and it was so comfortable after a while....it was Disney..and a dream....
However, when the plane touched back down home....I could feel the change...and when we got home....the kisses had turned to cheeks and hugs...and she told me...."its not like we are in Disney anymore...its here and this house and what you have done that hits home".... So I am at my sisters tonight.......
I did go to another round of counseling today...and she had one lined up as well..... I really hope to make her life .....like it was in on holidays.....I am so lucky she gave us the chance to see how we can be......I feel so terrible for hurting such a beautiful woman....I am sorry..

Thanks everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Thank you sinsofthefather and 5674emt

I am trying.....I appreciate your feedback... I wish you all well too.... This is a tough road... The counselor told me..."unfortunately the toughest part is now for your BW....to work through"

Thanks all...really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday)

My h and I went on a vacation back in April. It was a nice break, a respite from the real world.

The one thing that was shocking to me on our return was that it all seemed even more painful to me.

It was if the pain everyday became "normal". Then to have a break and come back to all of the reminders, the triggers it felt worse. As if I had forgotten how bad it hurt in the fantasy of vacation and then having to face reality all over again.

That thought/feeling of "oh my God, this is real, this is my life, this really happened".

It was a worse struggle for a while after. Just thought it might help you be prepared if she is feeling worse.

My h expected me to feel better and was disappointed when I seemed worse. And that made it worse for me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1245 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

cantaccept <<<<< thanks

That is exactly what it looked like to me.....my BW totally went into a dismal state when returning home....I asked her a couple weeks ago if she would like to go away...and she said yes, a few days later..."book something fun" so I did....I never thought of what would happen once we got home. We had a great time...and yes, reality set in just as the plane landed....I guess she and I were both hoping it would help...and it did for a short time...... I am trying...whatever it takes...I am...

I love you and I am so sorry for doing something so terrible to you...I am I am I am...so sorry.. I hope I can make it better for us...I do


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

You are doing really well and working hard Danntonio.

We went on a cruise with my family about 3 months after d-day. It was wonderful and I relaxed. I still hurt and triggered but for that week I was distracted by pleasant things and able to connect to my husband.
When we returned? UGH. Despair. It was like flying back to hell and the reminders were everywhere. It was worse than when we left.
Don't lose hope. Just keep being strong for her, and accountable and kind. This unfortunately takes time. But every single time you do the right thing, provide honesty and comfort, you are reestablishing the bond. It can get better. Believe it will and help her believe it too.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43940 | Registered: Sep 2006
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Hi there metamorphisis...thanks so much for the encouraging words.

Today I received an email from my BW at work. It gave me a lot of hope as she told me what we 'had' is what she wants back. And that she misses everything about us and just to give her time to rebuild/heal... I am so happy she sent me such a wonderful note... It brought me to tears to read all the things she told me she missed about us and how she wants 'us' back.

Thanks for everyone's support here...It really is helping me help her...and she is the most important thing in my life right now..

Thanks,


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Update on a WH attempt to make things better:

We got back form holidays to Disneyland where we married a few years ago. All good there. Once home....feelings of unease returned.

Since then....we have been affectionate...although I am still at my dad's house.... I asked my BW if I could stay the days that I was off work...to watch movies and have snacks...like we used to do. So thats where its at. My days off are Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon... I am leaving that up to her of course......everything is up to her .... I love her and I will do what make her feel better.

I have also changed squads in our department to ensure I do not work with or am in the same briefing as the OW..... I also changed my cell number.....(good call UKGirl...) My BW thanked me for that.....and I feel good doing that.

The weekend is here.....my BW and I are going to be hanging out...dinner...movies...and I HOPE to spend the weekend there...and keep making it right...

Thanks so much to everyone....I mean it. !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, August 30th (Friday)

I'm glad to see you still being pro-active and making changes Danntonio. Are you keeping up with your counseling sessions too? It's very important to you both that you do so to make sure you become fully healthy for yourself, and for your wife to see that if she opens up a little to you (which is what she seems to be doing) you don't just 'stop' with the digging and just try to go back to how it was before. Changing squads and your phone number were both very good moves on your part. Keep up the good work - it does seem to be working so far.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 30th (Friday)

It's very important to you both that you do so to make sure you become fully healthy for yourself

That right there. You are doing many good things. What about the internal work on your thought processes? How are you doing replacing the coping skills and dealing with your stressful job?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 30th (Friday)

BS here too.

Give her space. Bottom line is it's up to her. Some BS want to work it out. True remorse is a good thing, make sure there's NC letter with OW, etc.

I decided immediately I wanted to salvage my marriage after DD. But I think it depends on the person. It's not an easy road. It's like a death. Either way it sucks. She will go through roller coaster rides of depression, sadness, anger, obsessive thoughts, mind movies of your intimacy with OW, fear...it's a living hell at first and apparently takes about 2 years on average to get through an affair, sometimes longer.

I think it's a good start to work on you. She will need total transparency at the very least. Good luck.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, August 30th (Friday)

sinsof thefather.... Yes.....We are both keeping up our counseling sessions. We are going to set up couples counseling. They do help. Changing squads was a big thing for my BW...she was very relieved to here that I have made that happen...as well as the phone number. Thank you !!!

uncertainone... I have been thinking about how I need to address stress at work...how I need to find different ways to cope. I am going to continue with the counseling sessions....ask advice of the counselor as to how I can...or where I can seek alternative help. I have talked with the counselor about my boundaries at work and continue to make those really and professional. I fully admit that I have wronged someone I love...and I think about it everyday and think about how I wont do it again...EVER ! As for work related stress, I am within nine months of transferring to the west coast....and at that time, I hope to get out of what I do into something healthier.... Thanks so much...

Painfuljourney.... thank you for responding. I am with you...I agree...its totally up to her and I am letting her make the choices. There is nothing even attempt to force. Tonight...I did some work at our house...some renos...some housework..etc...and then left and note and came back to my sisters. When my BW called me after she got home from work...she said she had hoped we could have spent some time together tonight. So I asked her to dinner..and we met and spent some really wonderful time with one another.....After dinner hung out for a while and were affectionate. I am giving her every bit of time and space she needs. She is worth it and I am going to help her every step of the way. Thank you very much !!

Thanks everyone...this site and your responses have help me so much !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

I am glad to see that your BW can still want to spend time with you. As a BW I have found that my WH is a source of comfort even though he is the reason I need comfort.

It is great that you are receiving the IC, many people don't know the benefit of another point of view in your situation that can bring healing. I have been in the Fire/Rescue field for over 30 years and I know how the job can cause stress and kill relationships.

My BH and I have just returned from a family vacation feeling renewed and hopeful. My wish and prayers are that you and your BW can enjoy this feeling too in the not to distant future.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Hi everyone and thanks 5674emt for posting.

Update: Things are going very well..... I spent the weekend with my BW at our house... We went out shopping for coffee tables....for some odd reason after 8 years we are still shopping for coffee tables??? Anywho.....while at the store, a salesperson told me that a beautiful bedroom suite was on sale..... I thought to myself..."things are going well...yes!" I told my BW she deserved a new bedroom suite for all the work she has done around the house.... She was really happy !!! So we bought it. While at COSTCO we were looking at watches and and rings and things....she said.."hey there is a beautiful wedding band... you need one" (for the one I lost last year).

So....I am trying to make things good...giving her the time.... I spent the weekend with her till Tuesday...then I am now at my dad's.... things are going well..I think. Another counseling session coming up on the 5th.

To my BW: I love you ... I am so sorry for hurting you... I am going to do my best to make you happy..to make you feel secure and warm...I love you !!!

Thanks to all of you...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 7th (Saturday)

Ups and Downs...

Hi there....things have been going along very well.. Sometimes life seems to be back to normal. And then not. Today I emailed and called my BW from work and got no responses....until I got one that said "having a bad day....dont feel like chatting" I know these can be expected... I responded to her that I understand and am here for her anytime she needs me. I told her I love her and am so sorry for making her life a mess...for hurting her so much. I dont know what else to do when she has a bad day...

Thanks,


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 8th (Sunday)

It sounds like you are giving the space, time and encouragement she is craving. Yes, there will be days of sadness. They are usually followed by days of relief. Just keep letting her know she is your New World.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Hello all...and thank you 5674emt:

I am giving her the space she needs. We are attending couples counseling now after several sessions of individual counseling. I just want to say that having a neutral well read counselor helps very much. Anyways.....I am still at my dad's part-time....I spend all of our weekends sleeping at home with my BW. We are really working on this together and I am so thankful that I have her in my life still. I have had NO contact with OW...I have changed squads and followed through with everything I have learned from this site, our counselor and your advice. I am truly committed to making things 1000% better than they every were and making sure she knows that everyday. Things are going well....and I thank everyone. I also thank whomever suggested I read the Five Languages of Love.....it is a really good book for absolutely any couple at any stage of their relationship.

A question if I can ask is.....I am worried about meeting her family and friends again. What can I expect? I am really ashamed at my behavior and how I have harmed their daughter/sister/friend.....

Thank you all so much,


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I'm happy to see such a positive update Danntonio. You've given yourself the best chance possible by not just paying lip service to your changes but following through on them. Keep it up!

Now, for the family and friends question - well what you can expect from them will be as individual as they are. Discuss this with your wife first so that you can come to an agreement on how you are going to deal with this together, but my best advice is to be upfront and not try to ignore the elephant in the room if these people already know about your affair. Especially with her family, but friends too if they are close. Apologise for hurting their daughter/relation/friend and just say what you have told us here, that you are ashamed of your actions, but that you have changed your ways for good, are determined to help her heal now, and are working to make amends to her and make your marriage stronger.


I don't think you need to go into any more detail with them than that, but decide this between you and your wife first before you meet any of these people, so that you'll reach an agreement and know what to say if someone does ask more. Her parents may want to know more and may also want to talk to you privately, and if they do, just be honest and open with them - respecting the fact that you have hurt their daughter.


I think 'most' people will follow your wife's lead, and if she is allowing you the chance to prove yourself they will 'probably' respect her decision too. If you and your wife are fully in R then anyone not supportive of that really needs to be cut loose as a non-friend of the marriage.


I hope things continue to go well for you.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

sinsof thefather <<< Thank you for that advice. It makes absolute sense what you said. I hope one day I can be a part of her family again. I am just afraid of course....but what you said really makes sense. Appreciated !!

Oh and thank you for recommending the book...it really is a good book and opened my eyes to how to make any marriage/relationship better..



WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I need some Help... please

I have posted of how what a bad thing I did.....how I have taken steps to make sure I dont follow that path...how I have tried to help me BW.....and things seemed to be going well....aside from...

She wants to know WHY I did this.....and I dont have an explanation....I really dont know....but that is a KEY issue with her dealing with this.....

Help? I dont know

Thanks


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Danntonio, earlier in this thread you wrote this:

Why? A long time ago...when I was married to my first wife (did not end thru Betrayal) I worked at a university in research. It was a very professional environment. I became friends with one women who started telling me about her personal life etc and finally ended up asking me to have an affair. I felt sick to my stomach and said NO I would never do that..and we never talked again. After I became employed with law-enforcement....where it seemed it was just dysfunction day in and day out. It seemed normal for people to gossip about who was sleeping with whom. It seemed normal to openly talk about sex and sleeping with other people....... This dysfunction came to be a day to day thing. I never talked or thought like that when I worked at the university. There is an endless amount of time to talk to people....meet for coffee...socialize... There isnt much to do if nothing is happening. There is a high level of stress at certain points....and what would be horrific to people not in this arena....becomes a joke to many of us. I am not blaming my job...please...I am just saying that it is very dysfunctional and can twist reality very negatively. I was never very flirty or anything like that....but I started to become that way....very flirty...and it seemed all well and fine amongst my colleagues. And .... it fed my ego to have positive replies to my flirting....and one day the OW said "I have an open marriage"....and thats where it began. I dont know how my morality became so twisted to think it was right.....

You said it 'started' when OW said 'I have an open marriage' but I think you will come to find that it really started a lot earlier than that. Certain things, coping strategies etc., could have started all the way back within your family of origin when you were a child, (FOO issues), - or maybe you developed some issues later, but something in you made you react the way you did (having an affair) to what went on around you. That's what you need to find.


This is what you should to be working on with your IC. Tell him/her that you need to work on this in depth - because what you have written here is only the first layer of your 'why'. It's the surface 'why' if you like.... the starting point of why.


You need to dig deeper and keep asking more 'why' questions as you go along. If it were me (and take this part of my advice with a big caveat because I have never been a WS - I am only theorising here and repeating what I've read. I'm not speaking from experience) but if it were me I would start with how being around other people who were flirting with each other made you feel, and then ask yourself why you felt that way. Then go on to ask yourself why did you then start to become 'flirty' when you joined in those conversations, and then work onward from there.


What were you 'getting' from being flirty...or being flirted with....and once you've answered that, ask 'why' to that answer and then keep on going. So, it's basically not stopping at what you've already said above, and it's asking why about every new answer until you start to get to the deeper ones.


Once again, this is only my opinion - but try to look at what you wrote above as a starting point. Question everything you wrote and go from there. Even if the answers seem easy in the beginning I think you will find that they will get harder as you go along.


Good Luck with the digging.

ETA. Actually, just going from the account above, I'd ask about that woman at your first job, when she used to tell you all her personal details - how did that make you feel? Did you feel uncomfortable that she did that? Did you join in and tell her some of your own personal details? Or if you were uncomfortable why didn't you ask her to stop?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 1:58 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Hello Sinsofthefather and thank you...

First....I have been trying to figure it out and I appreciate your advice.... Agreed...I think the 'flirting' behaviour is a good place to start and I will bring that up in counseling. The flirting actually made me feel good I guess...and why? There is not flirting at home....and so maybe that is something that is a gap? Thanks for providing that advice...

When the women started telling me more personal details at my other work...it started to make me feel uncomfortable...but I guess I never thought (cause I was young perhaps?) that she would end up asking me to have an affair. I dont know where I 'lost' that uncomfortable feeling and the guilt... It is something I am going to rebuild in me and already have.

Thanks so much.... I am having a good weekend with my BW....I love her so much.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Really glad that you are still working toward healing the damage by focusing on fixing the M. As a BW, I can verify that everyday my fWH stays faithful and committed to R, I heal a little more.
His Why was complicated because he was invited to be a PORN STAR by an Xfriend and his wife. WH would be with the OW and the H would be the audience. fWH did not see a problem since he had the H's permission. Porn is the basis for nothing but bad choices. I do give him a little credit, the invitation never got to me even though the OH wanted me involved.

Keep up the hard, but worth it, work.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Hey there. I read through your entire post as I had not kept up since I posted to you in July. I am the BS that had 1 year of model R and then left my FWH because he had hidden porn from me.

And I want to say, hang in there. You''re doing great. You really are. My FWH and I are pretty much fully reconciled because the shock of me walking out and getting ready for a divorce finally got thru the last (I hope and pray) bits of him hiding from me, keeping things from me "for my own good," and trying to decide what I did and didn''t need to know. Didn''t work too good for him we were within 3 days of my appt with my divorce lawyer when he woke up.

That was a WHY that he had to find and figure out. WHY would something like printed porn be SO important to him that he would throw away 21 years of marriage to keep it. What was it all about. Wasn''t the fact that it was porn, it was what it represented to him. And once he figure out that it WAS the representation of what it stood for, his IC and self-reflection jumped forward in leaps and bounds.

So keep digging for that ultimate why. If you get stuck, look at the question why, at a different angle. Explore what you''re thinking, what you''re feeling, what connections flit thru your mind. You''ll get there and, more importantly, you will become the man that you always were meant to be. (((hugs))) You really are doing GOOD work!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hurtinghearts
Member
Member # 27232
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

Dantonio,

You are doing it all right. I am a BS whose husband was very much like you in that he worked his ass off to prove himself. Although we had the trickle truth issue, which is almost worse that the original infidelity, he changed his ways and has been amazing ever since. In fact, our therapist is amazed at how well we have done. We are at almost 4years and would consider ourselves fully reconciled, and it is better than ever.

You will get there...just keep doing what you are doing and I have a feeling you will both make it. Hugs to you both.

Also, thank you for protecting us... I know you are in a very dangerous and sometimes thankless profession.


Dday: Jan. 8th, 2010
OW#1 6 month PA...she is remorseful and forgiven. OW#2 The "therapist"... played head games with me. OW#3... loved to give blow jobs in her office. OW#4 the couple from Hell

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Illinois
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Hello all and thank you so much 5674emt, Skan, hurtinghearts : )

Update for you wonderfully helpful people .... Couples counseling is continuing. We are taking advice from the counselor and working through our emotions and reasons and everything. My BW seems happier with how things have been going.....our counselor does too...as do I. I am working my way back into her life.....our life. The counselor told my BW that we cant keep living apart for every if we are going to Reconcile.. So she suggested we turn try to make our part-time living arrangement to more... Right now I spend weekends...it was suggested we move it up to three or four days a week..... So....we are moving to that now.

Still no contact...I am still on a different squad..... I have absolutely installed boundaries or limits on what I talk about at work with partners... I am very aware of those boundaries !! I leave my cell-phone on the counter with all my accounts open for her to browse whenever she likes.

I want to again thank the people that recommended reading The Five Languages of Love....it really could be read by anyone...its a good book.

I want to thank all of you as well for helping me through this hell of a mess I created....you really have helped. I am going to keep boring all of you with updates of course...and when I feel like I have the knowledge...the skill...the wisdom...I will be more of a contributor to this community. I am still trying to get our marriage on the right healthy track.

Be well everyone :)


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Looks like you may be changing from the Wayward to the Reconciliation forum soon.
We are in R and it has been 10 months from Dday. It gets a little easier each week.
We are in MC and IC, did Love Languages(we are bilingual in the same 2 languages). Last weekend we went to a marriage retreat.
This week marks 1 year that WH has been "mine alone" It still hurts to know I wasn't enough for him, but just like you, he has shown me that he can be faithful and supportive.
Keep up the HARD work and it still can work out for the better.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

That's a great update Danntonio. It sounds like you are really doing the work on yourself and not just paying lip service to it. You're backing up your early promises to your wife with actions, and it seems like it's working. Good news - keep it up.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Hello everyone..

Thanks 5674emt: It hasnt been a great evening and my BW is asking me those very questions >>>Why? Why wasnt I good enough for you then but I am now? She is having a hard time but trying. She has told me that when we are intimate questions like is he thinking of her? run through her head.

Hi Sinsofthefather and thank you... I have been trying but as I just mentioned above....it is very hard for her and understandably.

I dont know what to tell her other than I am so sorry for hurting her. For betraying our love. For everything that I have done. I also tell her what I have done to give it the best chance to work. Things like reading articles on this site, The Five Languages of Love, the IC and MC sessions. To cease contact and move to a different squad. Do not expect things to be easy at all. I know that these things do not guarantee success. I do know the rate of success is directly proportional to the approach one takes: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair illustrated a variety of approaches and the expectant results. I have really strived to take the best/hardest possible route.

Anyways.....I dont know if she is finding it too hard to deal with and wants to get out? I hope not...I know she is trying.... We still are trying so I guess that anwers that question.

Anyways....thank you all...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 11th (Friday)

You are only 3 months into R. Both you and your BW have alot of healing to do individually before the M can be healed.

We are 10 months in and I still have hours when I cannot even bear to look at him without wanting to walk away and let him feel the pain of rejection. I stay because WH is now committed to answering the hard questions, bearing with me as I go through the healing process and making a committment to fix this mess He got us into.

Hang in there, love is still able to find it's way back into her heart.

Someone on SI has a tagline that says:

I am not the Winner, I'm the prize
. Your BW may benefit from hearing that about herself.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Hi All....and thanks 5674emt :)

Update....I know its boring for many...but it seems to help me and I hope it helps you.

Life is going well....couples counseling is good. I bring up topics that my BW is too shy to bring up....(she is just a private person and its hard). We discuss issues and how to proceed from where we are now. Our counselor is good I think and is helping us R !!! YAY !!! I am not home full-time yet...but am there 5/7 nights....which is good I think...?!?!?! My BW and I are going to the Rocky Mountains this weekend for a few nights as a mini vacation. I KNOW its going to go well.... I am so sorry for hurting this beautiful woman...person....I need a hard kick to the ribs for that....

We are continuing our house renos with our hopes to move to the coast next summer.... She knows I want that dream for us...and I think she wants that too...A change...a big change, will help I think.......My dad told me that I should worship the ground she walks on for giving me this chance...and I am trying to....trying to in a normal honest way....

Thanks so much for all of you... !!! Thanks EMT !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Glad to hear it is still moving forward toward recovery and reconciliaton. It sounds like your are learning how precious the treasure you already had really is. As a BS myself, don't make her regret letting you back into her life.
Keep up the good work.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, October 20th (Sunday)

Danntonio, of course it's not boring to hear how well you are doing - it's quite the opposite actually - I hope it gives encouragement to anyone out there reading but not posting, to see such a positive post from you. It's great news that you are still being so proactive, building slowly but surely and continuing to work on communication together with your wife. I hope you have a great weekend together.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Hi there.....everyone... UPS AND DOWNS... update

My BW and I went away for a weekend in the mountains...it was beautiful and fun. I bought her a beautiful diamond ring to let her know I want to redo everything and make it better. She loved it. However, Halloween is when this terrible thing began last year and so she is not feeling well. She kept some emails that were between me and the OW...and is really depressed about it and not feeling good.... I wish she would throw them away so she doesnt refresh the wounds I have caused. Another counselling session is coming up in a couple weeks. Things go from being so good to exactly the opposite at the drop of a hat.

I am so sorry for hurting you...I am

Thank you to everyone

[This message edited by Danntonio at 8:49 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Danntonio, I was out trick or treating with my son last night. I was thinking back to the first Halloween after d-day. My Dh had held back and not told me the whole truth after our d-day in September but it was right around Halloween that we were finally on the right track. There was a glimmer of hope I guess. I was still gutted and sad and heartbroken but I remember walking around with him and the kids and thinking "I want this ..at least I think I still want this.. ". It was as good as I could do.. but something was there.

I guess I tell you this because it was 7 years ago, we had an awesome Halloween last night and I didn't even remember that last month was 7 years since d-day until I did the math while writing this post. Yep.. I forgot.

Keep doing what you are doing. Just keep swimming.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43940 | Registered: Sep 2006
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thanks metamorphisis....

I really do thank you...I wish my BW would come here and read that. I dont think she can see that light right now... But she says the same things to me....that she thinks she wants this but is scared and hurt...and just doesnt know.

The counsellor told her...us..that it would get better...it will. I guess at certain times it doesnt seem so.

Thank you again


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

You still have hope. It might not be as much as you would like, but it is still hope.
The fact that she accepted the ring is a good indicator that she is still willing to move forward WITH you.
At Almost 11 in from DDay, I still struggle with the pain of deceit.
My Anniversary is in 25 days and I do not feel there is anything to celebrate , but I am not giving up on us.
As long as fWH continues to be attentive to my healing and R, I will work for it too.
Don't give up. We are praying for your recovery.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

When we were in MC she said that repeated exposure to the details of the A would work to make it less intense, in the same way that repeated exposure to dogs would reduce a fear of dogs. Perhaps her need to hang onto those emails is helping her to become desensitized to the details. Still rooting for the two of you even though I haven't posted on your thread for awhile.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Danntonio,
I have just read your thread. You are to be commended for taking responsibility and acting proactively to help your wife heal.

You mentioned that she had emails from your A and had a bad day. Do not expect her to get rid of the emails. I still have the one's from my H A 4 years ago. I do not read them anymore, they are forever seared in my brain, but I have them.

You mentioned your A was 10 months long. Which means you are in the "A season" for her. Expect to see triggers if there is something in the email that is particularly painful on the date it was written. Or if your behavior was altered on a day you were together. For example, we had been at a fall fest and my H kept trying to get away from me (usually to the bathroom) so he could text OW. Those days are especially painful to me.

So, think back, do some soul searching. Identify those dates on a calendar if you can and be prepared for her to have bad days on those dates. She may or may not, but you will be ready for them. If you know those dates, send her a note early that morning reassuring her. try to do something special to break the memory and make that day about the two of you. Reset her calendar so next year the anniversary of that date is less painful.

We are 4 years out. I still have a few dates that are crushing to me. However, many of the other dates have blurred and faded. You seem like a very proactive individual, this is one way you can continue to be proactive.

Expect questions around the holidays...especially Christmas. Did you buy her a gift...what was it...etc. "A" season is very difficult for both. Be ready for the fall out.

I hope things keep going well for the both of you.

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 8:42 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

As much as this is disappointing to you...it is tremendously disappointing to me. I made a stupid mistake a couple weeks ago when I was up having some beer at my dads. I STUPIDLY talked to the OW...and now, since that came out...I think I have just now completely wrecked everything that I was working hard to achieve. The OW sent a carefully padded email to my BS....outlining all the stuff that went on in our A.... and talking about secret talks and so on.... I made another stupid mistake. I know I have let you all down. I was sincere in my efforts to make this work. I am not even sure why I did that....I am sorry to everyone here who has been giving me advice..


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
5674emt
Member
Member # 40012
What?  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 4th (Monday)

(((danntonio)))
Prayers sent for you and your BS.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Hi Everyone..... Pardon my language....but I told both her and her husband to FUCK OFF and never wrote me or my wife again. I stupidly tried to be friendly whom I should NEVER have talked to at all ever again. She begged me to meet her...give her two minutes of my time....so STUPIDLY I did...and told her that I was trying to build my life with my wife and that is the direction I was going. Unfortunately I was the one who inititiated contact....I guess I was stupid enought to think "well...I am not going to do anything with her...no problem being friendly or just ignoring her...?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<< DUMB MAN DUMB DUMB MOVE !!!!She used that against me once she knew I was going to be faithful to my wife.... She wrote a contrived letter to my BW full of lies and highlighting the affair......sent it to me...then my BW... Sorry...dont mean to swear.... I FUCKING HATE YOU !!!!!

I love my sweet beautiful wife....forever


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, November 9th (Saturday)


..Danntonio..

Sorry to read here tonight that the broken 'NO CONTACT' has set your "R" clock back to zero..

..all the effort you've made, which has been sincere I'm sure has all been washed away with this e-mail from her.

..you have a lot of explaining to do again, if it is possible to somehow make your BW believe you had harmless intentions..

..i'm sure that you realize now that there can be NO friendship with the OW.. none, nada, zilch \, zero...period.

..i still think your BW could benefit from coming to this site and getting some support, but i know that is totally her decision..

..I wish you the very best of outcomes, but it is going to be a tough uphill climb considering the most recent slide back down with OW's contact with your wife..

sending healing prayers to you both..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Unfortunately I was the one who inititiated contact....I guess I was stupid enought to think "well...I am not going to do anything with her...no problem being friendly or just ignoring her...?"

BS here. Gently, what were you after when you initiated contact? It must have been more than simply "I think I'll say hi". Were you fishing to see if she still wanted you, or were you fondly remembering the affair?

Gently again, your relationship with this woman nearly destroyed your marriage. If I were your BS, I would want to know why you had to contact her. It's hard to understand that. It seems so counterproductive.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:48 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1686 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Danntonio
I can not understand why why I am sure your BS cant either.
Seriously do you want to be married?
I have been following your story and your heartfelt remorse.
I really thought you was getting to the why yourself.
So why are you planting land mines? Do you not feel worthy of your BS? I pray you figure out the why.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Dantonnio. I missed your last Sunday update so I've just read these last two posts of yours together.

Somanyyears is spot on - your R clock is now literally *minus* zero because you broke the biggest rule there is in R - You broke No Contact with the AP. That it was you who initiated it is even worse. You now must work out why you did that. I don't want to rub salt into your wounds but you have to understand the gravity of doing this to your wife, just as she was trying to rebuild some trust in you and putting her heart back on the line.


I agree with painfulpast and heartache, if you want any chance of continuing your R now, you are going to have to ask yourself some hard questions and find the answers for your wife and yourself. 'I don't know' won't be good enough this time. You need to be honest with yourself and your wife with those answers Danntonio - nothing less will do. It wasn't a mistake you made - it was a choice and you need to find out why you made it.


If it's true that you only wanted to be friends with OW - you must ask yourself why you would want to be friends with someone that has helped you to destroy your marriage, and with someone that has helped you to hurt your wife so badly?


If it's really that you were missing the OW, be honest about that too - and try to find out what it really was that you were missing. There will be a reason you consciously made the choice to contact the OW Danntonio - you did want something from it - and you have to face that, own it, and tell your wife what it was to have any chance of saving your R now.


Danntonio, I'm really sad this happened because you did seem to be getting it and putting the work in. I do so hope you take the advice people have posted here one more time and just be honest with yourself and your wife about what's happened. Look into yourself and start digging again. You do have the answer. Despite this tough advice, we are all still here for you Danntonio - but you have got to own what you have done before you can try and repair it.



...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

I've been reading your story and I wanted to share a couple of things.

I endured a false R after our 1st S that blew up horribly. We S again and then entered what I thought was true R. My H was remorseful and committed and seemed to grasp that NC was an absolutely deal breaker for me. (so I thought) We talked about the A, about his feelings. He was in IC. We routinely talked about the importance of NC. Why that mattered so much to me. I stressed that if I discovered any broken NC I was done. He looked me in the eye and SWORE there was NC. And I found out in May 2012 that he had called her in January and talked for over an hour. And that every couple of weeks he would text her, they'd have a text exchange for a few minutes.

I was blown away. Devastated. I could not grasp how he could have been lying to me over and over again.

We sat in MC the day after I discovered this. And our MC just HAMMERED him. I thought he was gonna draw blood for a minute. Our MC ended the session by telling JM "Next time you feel like picking up the phone and calling or texting OW, just pick up a baseball bat and start whaling on HF. I guarantee it will hurt her less. Better yet, make it a pool stick." (The pool stick is a reference to something in JM's past that MC/IC knew would get to JM) That statement is what finally reached JM and made him realize how destructive breaking NC was.

Then he joined SI and started posting. He found The Life Boat post and really identified with it. He was posting on here about bailing water as fast as he could, and someone (I think it was FloridaRedMan) told him he had to quit blowing holes in the boat before he could bail water.

Those 2 statements, the one from our MC and the one here, did more to break through to him than a year of seeing my pain. I don't understand it but I am grateful that anything finally did.

So I'm passing them on to you. Quit blowing holes in the boat. And the next time you think about OW at all, imagine taking a baseball bat (or a pool stick) and beating your wife with it. It would hurt her less. Choose to stop hurting your wife. The way to stop hurting her is to stop hurting her. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain. Live intentionally. Quit bouncing around like an impulse with skin.

You can do this. I believe you truly want to. So choose from this day forward to quit dwelling in that "I'm just a f***-up" mode and determine to be the authentic person you can be.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2656 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Danntonio…
I think the thing you need to do here is get honest about why you contacted her. What made it ok? What were you really looking for? Dig deeper.
My guess is that R is hard, you were getting no real assurance from your wife that all of your effort would even result in getting back together, and you were miserable, afraid and feeling pretty horrible about yourself. So you reverted to getting an ego boost from the OW. I don't doubt you had no intention of getting back together with her, or doing anything with her, but I do think you likely use her to feel good about yourself / wanted to see if she was still pining.
All of the things you say about your wife are nice I suppose, and all of the gestures towards reconciliation look ok on the surface. But if you don't figure YOU out, they are meaningless.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43940 | Registered: Sep 2006
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone and thank you.

I am going to figure this out. I agree I need to look deeper into my behaviour. My posts in here have been genuine....I am not trying to fool anyone. I need some help I am not getting and I need to answer all of those questions. I am not giving up on this. I am going to prove that to my BW...you and ME.... Sometimes it seems there are no simple answers to questions as to why people do things. It is very difficult... I am sorry,

Thank you everyone...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I need some help I am not getting

Danntonio, what's happening with your IC? Do you trust in their ability to help you? Do they ask you the hard questions? Are you being honest with them?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am not getting IC.... Although I am going to ask for it again. I was just following the advice of the counselor... One day she just said that we should move on to couples counseling. No I dont think she asks any hard questions. I am going to go see her or someone else in addition to the couples counseling.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Danntonio, is there a chance you can get a different counselor this time? It doesn't sound like that one was the right one for you. You breaking NC shows that you do still have issues that you need to face and work on. So if you can you do need to get back into individual counseling. There is no point just moving onto couples counseling if you haven't addressed your own issues first. If the counselor you were seeing is not going to get you to dig deeper into your own issues then you are just wasting your time if you go back to her.


How is your wife? Is she still prepared to go the couples counseling with you? Is the couples counselor you are seeing a different person to the counselor you saw for IC?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Gently here, I wonder why you would contact OW and then blame her when she told your BW. You are clearly very angry with her for telling, when the real problem is you reaching out to her. Also, you must have reached out at least a week ago for her to ask for a meeting, and then package some things up and mail them. Why weren’t you honest about that?

I think you really want to do the right thing but you’re having a hard time being honest with yourself about what it is you’re really doing, and what you’re after.


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1686 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Hi...thanks, I gree...I need to see someone else perhaps or go back to IC. I am not happy with myself at all. I can go to all the counselors I want as its through an employer provided service. I have been trying to search for answers to some of the completely stupid decisions I have made and trying to figure it out as well. There have been changes I have made....however there is something deeper than that I need to get to. Whatever I said in anger in that last post should be more directed at me and my behaviour. Nobody else.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Danntonio,
I just want to follow up and say again, don't let yourself get caught up in the "Oh, I'm such a f***-up and can't do anything right" trap.

You have everything within yourself to walk through this and be a better man. Not because your W deserves it, although she probably does. But because it is worth it to be a person of integrity.

You have the power to choose your behavior. You cannot necessarily control the first thought. You may have a fleeting thought about OW, or about the A. That's fine. It's going to happen. What you do with that thought...that's completely up to you. You can treat it like a horribly toxic, disease ridden nasty parasitic animal and dump it immediately. Or you can make a pet out of it, caress it, nurture it and watch it grow.

Next time OW crosses your mind, think about hitting your W with a baseball bat. Then choose another action. Tell your W you love her. Call an accountability partner. Call a counselor. A pastor. A priest. Call a freaking psychic hotline for crying out loud.

You can change.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2656 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Hello everyone... I miss writing to you .. Update on me and my life....

The last time I wrote I had made a huge mistake and had contact with the OW via email... and that was a completely STUPID thing to do... I know that...I was very naive in thinking that would be okay if it was just normal talk. MISTAKE.... Bad Judgment .... and completely wrong. There are a million people in the world to talk with...I dont need that.

So....I have continued counselling on a personal level....I am home with my beautiful wife..... We are together...and I love her. She bought me a beautiful new wedding band for Christmas... We are going away to Dominican Republic in a few weeks. We have put our house for sale and are moving to the coast.... We seemed to have refreshed our lives and our life together...

I wanted everyone to know that I have not failed....and have tried to make my marriage the best it can be...and I will continue that. There is no secrets...no messages...no emails.... that my wife does not know about or anything....its not right and I am a better man and feel good about what I am doing....

I didnt want to write anymore after that fallout late last year....I didnt want to come on here and whine or whatever...So I waited a while to respond to this forum to give some credibility to what I am saying......

Thank you..... so much


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I'm glad to see this update Danntonio. I had wondered how you were doing after last years resuming of contact with the OW and then us not hearing from you again. So it's nice to see that you didn't fall back into the affair behaviour completely, but instead, stopped, regrouped and carried on in IC.

I hope you continue on the path you are currently on - especially working on yourself to understand the gravity of your choice to break no contact last year, why you chose to do that, and what led you to the affair in the first place. This takes a lot of digging to get below the surface answers and it's not easy - but it's going to be worth it to you in the end if you can persevere and dig really deep for the answers.

It's good news that your wife is giving you another chance at R - and that is a very precious gift you have been given there - I hope you appreciate how lucky you've been.

Anyway it's good to see you come back, especially with such a positive post, so keep on doing the work, and have a nice holiday with your wife.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

Hi Danntonio,

I have not posted on this thread before today, but i have followed your story (thread) from the beginning.

It has been several months since I posted on the forum myself, and over that period of time you were one of the "souls" on the forum that I thought about periodically. I think it's the strangest coincidence that we have both returned to the forum at the same time.

I am so pleased that reconciliation is happening for you and your wife. I could sense your pain ,and much of the situation that you and your wife found yourselves in mirrored the situation between my fWH and I. My fWH's responses after D'day echoed so closely the thoughts and feelings that you posted here. Your posts helped me to gain some empathy for my fWH and gave me a small measure of compassion when I needed it the most.

I will be sending good thoughts your way.

[This message edited by toughernow at 12:08 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday)


..that's great news Danntonio..

..all the best to you and your wife.

..good luck on the sale of your house and enjoy your trip to the DR.. our son and his fiance are there 'right now'!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Danntonio
Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Hello there and thank you for reading and responding....

sinsofthefather: Hey there....thanks for following.. I really didnt want to post here until I was sure what path I/we was/were on.... I feel so much better and my wife does too.... Although we still have times that come up that bring her down...I am really trying to help her...and us.. There has been absolutely no comm with anybody that could harm my efforts...and the I really feel good with that....There is nothing in my mind to sway me.... I want to live the life as a Better Man...a good person with the woman I love..

toughernow: Hi there...I am glad my life events have helped you...I have tried to repair myself, my wife and us after that head-on collision. I really have a a woman I love and I do not want to lose her. Shame on me for taking our life for granted.... I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to return to that.... I can finally look myself in the mirror and say that I am doing good things...that I am not doing anything to hurt my wife and our family.... It took a long time for me to do that... I have so much to make up for....but as Sinsofthefather said, A chance at R is such a precious gift.... I am so thankful, Thank you toughernow.... I hope things work well for you and yours... What a tough road it is....

somanyyears: Hey thank you so much ! We are leaving for Dom Rep in a couple weeks now.... It will be so nice after such a cold and yucky winter..... I have a good friend from work helping me with some quick house renos...and then hopefully, someone will buy our house and .... then the pacific coast.... yay... I just want my life with my wife.... From the mess I made, that would be more than enough...

Thank you everyone... I mean it... I hope you are all well and happy...

D


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Topic Posts: 154