Just Found Out
User Topic: Survival?
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 26th (Friday)

I have posted a few things on this site and many people have been very supportive and I appreciate it. The video of walking in on my wife and her boyfriend is just to devastating! It has replayed in my mind millions upon millions of times. If there was no one else in this world I felt I could trust, I was sure it was her. I have survived many life threatening situations, I can't see myself surviving this, I just can't!

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 26th (Friday)

ceilingwalker, you CAN and you WILL.

Right now your guts are immersed in ice water and you feel worse than you ever have before. What you need to understand is that what you're feeling is how your mind processes traumatic information. It plays it over and over again to "normalize" it in a way, so you eventually desensitize to it.

What you're feeling in your body is the holistic nature of the mind-body connection. As your mind is traumatized, your body reacts by presenting real pain. This pain is not imaginary. IT IS REAL.

But like all pain, it too shall pass. You will feel peace in brief spurts, and as days go by the moments of peace will stretch to minutes, then to hours, then to days. Eventually, the thought of your cheating wife and her scummy douchebag will not hurt you any longer. You might still be kind of pissed off when you think about it, or perhaps you'll see them as pathetic or disgusting. Either way, YOU'LL BE OKAY.

ALL of what you are feeling is NORMAL. The body and mind CAN SURVIVE THIS, just as you will. Change is upon you, and all change is hard, good or bad.

You have my support and respect, brother.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
New Member
Member # 40045
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I currently have the same struggles as you do. I am doing good at moments then I get a vivid picture or thought in my mind. I go from feeling really good to the worst thing ever in the blink of an eye. My D-day is just a few days old. I would assume everyone is different but how long will this last or do you ever even get over it. If I am going to R I have to grow past this. It is the hardest thing to handle in my entire life. I can't eat or sleep as these pictures are in my mind constantly. I need to develop a way to cope with this or I'm going to go crazy. How much would professional help benefit me or is it something that just takes time.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

You can and will!!!

Whatever path you take you will survive this. It is crazy making. There were many many days I thought I wouldn't make it. It gets easier with time but many things can help. Take care of yourself!!!!
Try to eat even if you don't want to. Try to exercise even if you don't want to. Drink a lot if water. Try to find a hobby or activity you enjoy even if you don't want to. Keep moving forward even if you don't want to.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2630 | Registered: Aug 2012
New Member
Member # 40074
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Your going to make it. It gets easier as time passes and time will pass.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 27th (Saturday)


I did not see WH & OW in bed, but I saw them sitting together intimately in a restaurant. I will agree with you, it is one thing to hear about them being together, it is another to see it with your own eyes.
I totally get the problem with mind movies.

Your going to make it. It gets easier as time passes and time will pass.

Just keep going. You will not always feel this bad. If you & WW reconcile, you will be able to have good times again.
Sending you strength.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Ceiling, I understand your pain. I have survived many terrible things, lots of abuses by people who were supposed to take care of me in my youth, lots of things that helped me learn to never trust anyone. I met my H and I trusted him implicitly in spite of my lifetime of learning not to trust anyone. I knew he was different, I knew he was special.

I later learned that I was wrong. He wasn't different or special, he was just the same as everyone else. To top it off, I've divorced men who did less to me than cheat, yet I stayed with this one.

There were days I thought I wouldn't live through this, honestly there were. There were days in the early months where I danced with danger just to see if fate would take my offering. Fortunately, fate never did, and I'm still here.

It's now been almost 6 years, and I am better than ever. I trust my H again. I love him so deeply again. I trust myself again. Unfortunately I am very aware that no one is special anymore, but I accept that as a fact now. I can see the good in people again.

So, from one person who thought they couldn't survive this to another..... you CAN survive this! The pain will lessen as time goes on and as the work is done by both you and your WW. The thoughts will slowly leave, the images will slowly leave, the triggers will slowly leave. You can be better, you have to keep trying though.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Hurttt, I have been getting professional help. I wouldn't have made it this far without it. I too can not sleep, have no appetite, no desire to do anything fun. I am an Electronic Controls Engineer and I really believe I was on the verge of losing my job, if I didn't straighten things out soon,because this devastation was all I could think about! I sometimes feel like I don't deserve anything good for me. My ex says she did it because I didn't give her enough attention. Although my belief is that no one has the right to break wedding vows, ever, for any reason, my wife doesn't share that point of view. The bigger problem is I listened to her and actually believe it WAS all my fault. I wont lie, I stared at my 9mm pistol many times, waiting to work up the courage to do it. So, you are definitely not alone!

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

My other concern is that an STD has now entered our relationship. I caught her with one guy, that one guy assured me there were others, even though she will not admit to it. He said that he and his wife do not have this STD. She made it sound as though it was a one-time thing. He (the other man)is who was honest enough to tell me this has been going on longer than I have even known my wife. Now she will admit to about 6 years, while he maintains it has been about 14. The words that come out of both of their mouths is crap to me, right now. What kind of a mom does this with her autistic son less than 10 feet away, in another room?!

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 40032
Shocked  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I was in pure survival mode for the first few months and so so shocked and angry and deeply hurt. The betrayal and deception and secret life totally shocked me cuz it was nothing I had experienced from my fWH and was totally totally blindsided. I also feared for awhile that OW (psycho) would harm him or me.

I had suicidal thoughts which I now know was due to PTSD. Never acted on them at all but thought about it....

If you are into research google PTSD and infidelity. Articles by Joyce E Smith were very interesting and explained science behind what the shock of being betrayed by a spouse can do to a person. She describes coping techniques and your C may have some too?

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10