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Reconciliation
User Topic: everyone is so much further
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

along then I am. It's like they just decide to make a choice to accept, forgive, move forward. WTH? Why can't I do this?

I HAVE worked on myself and have a very full life. But I don't want our cheating to be part of our marriage history.

We just got back from vacation where we had a good time and now - back to reality. back to work for him.

I will never trust him again. Can I be in a marriage like this? is trust important? today he didn't answer his phone when I needed him to pick me up from downtown. I assumed the worst, as I usually do. Folks, my life is worth more than this... it really is. Have I been burned so badly that I can't trust? Wouldn't it be the same thing with someone new?

I always tell people that if they don't like their life - change it! Why can't I take my own advice?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I struggled hard in R and felt the same way as you.

For me, R ended up being False-R. That is why I couldn't move forward. Even MC was while he was back into his A.

Do you think you aren't healing because of the past or do you still feel like something is currently wrong?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Don't compare yourself to others. Everyones journey is different. Different starting points, different bumps in the road. And all along we are carrying different baggage along with us. As long as you are honestly trying and working on yourself and R then you will get there. Wherever "there" is. My IC says to commit to the process of R-not to an outcome.

But I don't want our cheating to be part of our marriage history.

It's like they just decide to make a choice to accept, forgive, move forward

I will never trust him again.

Like it or not, infidelity is a part of your history now. Sounds like you are having a hard time accepting that. Acceptance does not mean condoning it or that it is ok. But you need to accept it in order to move past it and get to forgiveness and true R.

It sounds like you have more work to do. You have trust issues. They don't just go away-they need to be worked on by both parties.

Is WS doing his part? You both need to work on the M and R. Maybe you are not getting enough from WH to move beyond where you are now. Have you talked to him about your feelings? Are you seeing a MC or IC? I think those are good places to start. *hugs*


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Is WS doing his part? You both need to work on the M and R. Maybe you are not getting enough from WH to move beyond where you are now. Have you talked to him about your feelings? Are you seeing a MC or IC?

we're both going to IC and MC, although the last one was brutal for me. What more can WH do but continue to go to IC and MC with me? He's there when I trigger and when I have a bad day. He doesnt' want to talk about the affairs but he will, if I want to.

regarding what Tabitha said - there is no way I have all the truth. I had to find out everything myself. This weighs HEAVY on me... and there was also contact in December that I had to find out on my own.

Trust takes time, I guess. But I'm tired of living this way.

Acceptance? I am struggle SO VERY MUCH with this.... one time for him - ok, I get it. Twice, I just have such a hard time with it. and the treating me like shit between affairs. He says he wasn't ready to be healthy yet...

I'm so very tired.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

I soooo hear you! I burst into tears this morning reading SI when in a matter of about 5 mins I saw 3 people, pretty much as far along as I am, saying that they have "more good days than bad" "things are going great" or words to that effect. I feel like the "struggler", I feel like I am hopeless at this...

Truly, I am a couple of weeks from 1 year antiversary and I have WAY more bad days than good. My anger is an ugly, ugly thing to behold. I feel like I will NEVER be able to trust fWH's love for me again (weirdly, I really don't believe he will cheat again, but what scares me is that one day he will simply decide he doesn't love me anymore and he will up and leave me.) And my respect for him is gone - I worry that it will never come back. There is SO much that I worry about... I keep on thinking WHY can't I just do this? And do it with some grace and dignity dammit! What is wrong with me??

I am clinging to the thought that I am on the 5 year plan as opposed to the 2 year plan

Maybe for some of us it simply takes that bit longer?


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 910 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

Oh rachelc I am so sorry for your pain. Please don't compare yourself to others.

Our stories are different. You have had numerous D'Day's and then you had to find out everything on your own including from this past Dec.? That is really so unfair. But this is where you and like someone else said, accepting it doesn't mean you condone it, just means you are taking on the reality of it.

Acceptance....I am more in this phase now then anger altho anger creeps in.

I just re-read a few pages in Janis A Spring book, After the Affair. She has a section on myths and forgiving the A that I found very helpful and maybe you will too. In fact, we both read this book and I highly recommend.

While I have not forgiven my H yet, I do want to at least accept. This happened. It's done. I cannot keep going back to that night in Dec. and all the shit they did and said to one another over a two year period. It wasn't real.


Where we are
now - THAT is real.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 27th (Saturday)

there is no way I have all the truth. I had to find out everything myself. This weighs HEAVY on me... and there was also contact in December that I had to find out on my own.

Red flag. If he is not being totally honest and completely transparent then he is not really in R with you.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Red flag. If he is not being totally honest and completely transparent then he is not really in R with you.

But how on earth would I know?

Thank you everyone for weighing in... I'm so glad I'm not alone with this feeling!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

rachelc, I recall being skeptical on one issue. I hammered away at it, over and over again. It was exhausting. His story was the same every time. I also matched it with his behavior during this time period of 2012. I could not deny that his words AND his behavior matched. But still, I would not let it go.

Finally, I sat him down. I said, "okay listen. I need the truth. Don't even bother opening your mouth if you cannot give me the truth. Say nothing if it can't be the truth." I asked my question again for the umpteenth time. It was the same as before. At that point I had to relinquish. Had to say, "why would he tell me the truth on a, b and c and not d?"

I had to accept his story for d. Once I did that, I felt free to keep moving forward. At the same time, his remorseful behavior was showing me that this person was doing all he could to get back my trust.

A teacher once said: When I want to know what is really going on in the classroom, I turn the volume down and just watch. Their actions tell me all I need to know.

Just watch rachelc. What is his behavior telling you?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

His behavior is telling me he wants to move on and put this behind us.
And please don't make him quit his job....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

Rache,

I think you need to get yourself out of this funk, and I think you can, by setting up a message and asking yourself a couple of questions.

The message: We all have to find our own path through this, and we all go at our own rate, and that's OK.

The questions:

1) Have you changed?
2) How/what have you changed?
3) What traumas do you have to deal with?

The only answers that matter are yours, but if the answers aren't positive and encouraging, you should discuss these questions and your answers in an IC session or 3....

Rache, You have changed a lot, all for the better. Alas, internal/emotional change always takes longer than we want it to....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Schilling
Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

You aren't alone and not everyone is that far ahead.. You are right where you are supposed to be.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

you are not along...and dont think for a minute that everyone is much further than you. it is a rollercoaster. some days, i think people feel as thought they are going to make it...that there is hope...and then the next day....it is a nightmare...or you find yourself aching...and crying in the car. it hurts. i would also be very skeptical of people that claim to be "over it it" or "reconciled" very close to dday...it just doesnt happen like that.

i can tell you that i used to say that things were further along that they really were...i was in denial...and i wasnt healing properly....and eventually that came out..and took me back to square one.

in order to get to the other side....which is acceptance...it is a long painful battle. that is why they say it takes at least 2-5 years to heal from cheating. and even those that have healed...they are always on si...talking about the pain they still feel.

you are not alone. we are all right there with you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Well you are simply not ready to put this "behind you" at this point in time. I imagine one of those "blips" you see on movies during an Air Traffic Controller scene. I see the A as a blip and it is moving further away from me - the target. It's a team effort between me and H with H doing most of the heavy lifting. But I have my responsibilities too.

I like the questions Sisoon asked you. I also like his tag line about things being good, bad, indifferent.

R is not linear.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Double post

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:24 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Putting this kind of pressure on yourself is not going to help you heal and recover. Not at all. Are you a perfectionist? Type A? If so, have you addressed this in counseling? How is your conflict avoidance work going?

You know and I know your husband has really drug his feet through this whole process. He isn't your safe place to land. He instills new hurts. So why would you be further along? He continues to pour salt in the wound.

At the same time, I do see you just railing against the reality of this being your life. And I get it. I really, really do. I was on the five year plan myself. Acceptance took me AT LEAST 3 years. I was fucking pissed off for a good, long time. It's ok to still be pissed. It's ok to mourn what was.

It's like this. You are on a train to Boston. You love Boston, can't wait to get there. You are all packed, you know what to wear, you know the people, the climate, the vibe. Maybe you don't know everything, but you know your destination and you are sure of it. And then without notice, warning or explanation, someone switches your track and now you are on your way to Chicago. What the fuck? Look, Chicago is great and all, but I wanted to go to Boston! I was on the train to Boston because that is WHAT I CHOOSE. You didn't choose Chicago. But guess what? You are going to Chicago, like it or not. You are going to end up somewhere you didn't choose. You can make the destination suck, or you can make it awesome. Miracle mile, lakeshore, nightlife, food! Chicago is pretty great, actually. It isn't the train you boarded, but it can still lead you somewhere wonderful. Except it has White Sox instead of Red Sox. It will always be different, but you accept that it is different. Sometimes, you embrace the difference.

You are still on the train to Boston in your head. But you aren't physically. It takes some time for the head to catch up.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 16