Wayward Side
User Topic: purging
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I just got through a visit from my mom. I have all these thoughts going through my head and I feel the need to purge. I was deciding between posting in OT or here but deep inside I know that my waywardness is related to my upbringing so I figured I'd put it here.

Things I already knew about my mother but each time she comes for a visit they still cut me to the core.

The first thing is that she cannot/will not/ does not express emotions. There is no warmth, no feeling in anything she does. Something she said struck me and made me very sad. She came back from visiting my aunt, her sister, who has leukemia. I knew it was a rough day for her. My mom came in and told us how Aunt J was and she stopped herself because she was getting choked up and then said, "But I'm good, I won't cry." And I couldn't help but think, Why not? Why not cry? Your sister has a terrible disease and you don't know if you'll see her again, just cry!

I remember her holding back tears, always. Or saying, "I was good, I didn't cry" whenever she got into an upsetting situation.

Growing up in my house feelings were scary. They were minimized or not addressed or you were chastised for them. This is why the SI mantra "You have to feel it to heal it" has become so important to me. I needed to stop being afraid of my feelings. Sad is okay. Angry is okay. Talking about it is okay. We never talked about anything in my house.

Another thing I realized (again) about my mom that really hurts and gives me a sick feeling inside is how mean she is. I mean, to people in public. We went for lunch and she was so condescending to the waitress. Just snippy and snotty and mean. It was embarrassing to be with her and I try to overcompensate by being overly sweet to the waitress but I felt terrible.

And we went for dinner that same night and it was the same thing. But LD was there and he joked about it to the waitress and then my mother changed her tune.

Every conversation she has is judgmental or nasty. She was talking about my brother's wife and something in their marriage and I said, "I do not stick my nose in people's marriages, it's none of my business."

Two things about that-my brother is one of my favorite people in the world so don't go there, and secondly, my parents have just about the worst marriage in the world so STFU because who are you to even say anything?

I found out today that she told my daughter when they were shopping for dresses for my brother's wedding that she was too fat for a certain dress. That was over 7 years ago but my heart just broke.

Thanks for listening.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38093 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday)


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, July 27th (Saturday)


When I am faced with a barrage of unhealthy from my FOO it's always a little scary and unsettling at first.

Then I try to be thankful that I am learning to do better and that I have help with that so I can hopefully spare my kids some heart ache.

FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️

Posts: 1500 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 27th (Saturday)


I just love you so very much...thank you for sharing this with everyone

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198332 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 27th (Saturday)


Everything you wrote about your mom reminds me of my mom. The house motto was "rise above it", and I was never in more trouble than if I was sad, scared, or sick.

I completely understand, and my heart goes out to you.

I'm just so sorry love - it's really hard.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, July 28th (Sunday)


We've had some FOO issues hitting us in our household pretty hard lately as well. It's certainly rough.

Take care, and hugs.

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 28th (Sunday)


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 28th (Sunday)


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you for all the support.

One thing I am grateful for is that I learned how important it is to show love to my kids by doing the opposite of what my mother did/does.

They know I love them and that they are always safe to come to me with anything.

Like Knightsbff said, I am learning to do better. It's just a very bad feeling when she comes here and the old feelings come back to the surface and it takes a lot out of me.

Right now I'm feeling for my brother and SIL because we did the hand-off yesterday and she is there until Tuesday.

When LD and I were pulling away, we high fived for making it through and did a sigh of relief.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38093 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

A hug for you. That is terribly rough. It is amazing how foo contact can take us back to those roles so quickly. But there is so much to be proud of in your clarity about the unhealthy-ness and your decision to live and be differently. And in your teamwork and mutual support with LD. Hugs. Enjoy your Sunday.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to have all that invade your home every so often. I'm proud of you for talking it out. And even more pleased for you that you and LD can deal with her as a team.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44989 | Registered: Sep 2006
tired girl
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 28th (Sunday)


I certainly understand how unbalancing it can be to be around parents that are unhealthy. Where did your mother learn the whole don't cry thing?

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 28th (Sunday)


When LD and I were pulling away, we high fived for making it through

Love this! Perfect example of how strong of a team you and LD are (with a side of sense of humor).

I am so sorry for what she said about your DD. Your DD is beautiful, smart, and wonderful.

Posts: 35933 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

LD and I spoke on the way home (3 hour drive with the lovely LI/NYC summer traffic!) yesterday and I told him that I appreciated him helping me get through this and supporting me in it. We have made a lot of progress in dealing with our FOO issues, separately and together. It is huge in dealing with this.

TiredGirl, I really don't know. My siblings and I have spent time talking about this and cannot figure it out. I've stopped trying because I'm not owning any of it and I can't fix her. I grew up with my grandparents in the apartment downstairs from us. My grandmother was a warm, loving woman who I spend a lot of time with. "Going downstairs to Nanny's" was my salvation as a child. She died when I was 15 and I was devastated. My grandfather was a hard worker who spent a lot of hours out of the house and when he was home she doted on him. He was more closed off and the kids had to be much more reserved around him. He was a loving family man, though. He outlived my grandmother by about 20 years.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38093 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 14