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User Topic: ok here goes.....done with denial
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Stop  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

After reading comments from another member on my other post, I immediately burst into tears....not cuz it was mean or hurt my feelings but because it was so right on and honest it's frightening...so here's my honesty...please take it easy on me.

I have been in denial throughout the whole time I have been a member here.

I desperately want to move past my A and forget it ever happened. But I can't do that cuz I am not over my AP and for some reason can't get him out of my mind even though he is an asshole.

I want my marriage back....I really do. I want to be with my husband and put our family back together and am trying to do what I need for R but am scared it's not going to work and don't even think my husband wants me back.

And I while I am being honest, I don't want to leave my job because (AP aside) I really do love it...I work with great people and love my kids and am happy there. I understand why I need to leave but am still afraid to do so....I don't think I can handle any more changes right now and am afraid to start at a new job.

I also don't want to leave cuz I don't want AP to be the reason I leave....I want to be stronger than that, and be able to face him and look at him as just another parent...I don't feel like I should have to lose my job on top of everything else because of (the choices I made that included) him.

I am sorry that I haven't been honest.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 27th (Saturday)

I desperately want to move past my A and forget it ever happened. But I can't do that cuz I am not over my AP and for some reason can't get him out of my mind even though he is an asshole.
The only way to accomplish what you "desperately want" is to go NC (physical and mental). I don't think I could have done it while seeing the AP on the regular. It doesn't seem you can either....

And I while I am being honest, I don't want to leave my job because (AP aside) I really do love it...I work with great people and love my kids and am happy there.
It called a *consequence*. It sucks but we get to face them and have to accept them as part and parcel of crappy choices we make.

I also don't want to leave cuz I don't want AP to be the reason I leave....I want to be stronger than that
Sorry Alyssa, I'm calling bullshit here. We are *stronger* when we make the tough choices necessary for us and our BS to heal.

So many people here have seen the writing on the wall and laid it out for you. People who have BTDT. ...People smarter than me. What are you going to do? Inaction is an action and to our BSes action is all they can hear.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Alyssa,

A couple of things...

You say you don't want to leave your job because you don't want AP to be the reason, but you were willing to lose your family over AP. Think about how twisted and backwards that thinking is. You continue to have contact with him, physical and emotional, because you see him at work. I understand on different levels---I had an EA and when we broke it off (this was way before my H knew about any of my cheating) I still thought about him and knew in my heart I'd call him again. (We never met in person, I let a long distance EA take control over me for a couple of years). We'd be friends, yeah right. I did call him 8 months later and I was a g-damn mess. Shortly after that I started my first PA with a different OM.

Also, after my PAs, which happened at work, neither OM was there anymore but I insisted on keeping that job. It nearly killed my BH. Just being there kept the connection to the As. And there was always the chance they would stop in, and the people who knew of the As and were connected to them, were still in my every day life.

Pardon my language but...give up the fucking job. When I finally did (my BH insisted or he wouldn't keep trying at R) the fog started to clear.

Even if your BH isn't insisting, be proactive. He might just be waiting to see how serious you are about R. Sticking around at the job and saying (not acting like) you want R means nothing to him.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38071 | Registered: Sep 2007
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I also don't want to leave cuz I don't want AP to be the reason I leave....I want to be stronger than that,

I understand this, I really do.
I'll keep this on me.... I KNOW that it would have been tremendously hard to detach from my AP if I had to see him everyday. There are many reminders of my A, so many triggers, that I really can't imagine seeing him, or his BS everyday.
Other than the fact that my BS would have found it unacceptable, I would have, as well.
Wanting to be strong is admirable. Wanting to and being able to are two wildly different things.
When I've tried to force myself to be strong.... plain and simple it didn't work.
I had to understand, and accept my limitations. That doesn't mean I'm weak. It's having some humility.


HE is not the reason you should leave.
YOU and your BS are the reasons you should leave.

And I while I am being honest, I don't want to leave my job because (AP aside) I really do love it...I work with great people and love my kids and am happy there. I understand why I need to leave but am still afraid to do so....I don't think I can handle any more changes right now and am afraid to start at a new job.

You'd be surprised at what you can handle. Give yourself more credit.
It sucks that you have to give up something you love.
We've all had to do it. (Most of us anyway)
Chicho and I walked away from the place where we went to our 12 step meetings, and good network of friends and support. We went into the unknown, it was fucking terrifying. BUT Not as terrifying as when I would leave to go to a meeting where the was the, slight chance I MIGHT see the OM. After a while we did see him together, and left our area.
It has worked out pretty damn well.

Change is scary as hell. But it is possible, and usually works out for the better.

Even if your BH isn't insisting, be proactive. He might just be waiting to see how serious you are about R. Sticking around at the job and saying (not acting like) you want R means nothing to him.

I thought this too.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I am sorry that I haven't been honest.

Self honesty and honesty with your BS is what is important here.

If you're not honest with us, we can't help you.

If you're not honest with yourself, you're screwed.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Many of the things I read from you still reek of entitlement. You want this to happen your way. That has to be the first thing we give up. Until you do, nothing will work.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

And I while I am being honest, I don't want to leave my job because (AP aside) I really do love it.

There comes a time that we need to accept that the consequences of our infidelity run much deeper and reach much further than the dynamics within the walls of our homes. They have tendrils that can reach out to parts of our lives that may never have occurred to us.

I too had a job I absolutely loved. I didn't work with my AP. He actually lived 300 miles away from me. But I worked very closely with a person that knew about my A. I had confided to her about it. And not once did she tell me that I needed to stop. And after she knew, I had invited her into my home while my BH was there. She was a person my BH barely knew, yet she knew more about his life at that time than he did.

After DDay, my BH tried very hard to be OK with me continuing on with my job. After all, it was a job that I loved. He didn't want me having any resentments by making me leave. We had several discussions about it. I was defensive, not understanding why it was a big deal that she knew. Saying that if the tables were turned I didn't think I would have a problem with it. But it continued to be a sticking point. It bothered him. And as I began to become more empathetic, I realized that in order to work on my M I had to make choices. What meant more to me? My job or my M?

I finally asked for a transfer which I was granted as I was well liked by my boss. Then shortly after, we made the decision to move half way across the country to make a fresh start for ourselves. And now over two years later and thousands of miles away, I just shake my head as to why I fought so much to leave that job. And there is only one answer that fits...selfishness. I didn't want to.

I also don't want to leave cuz I don't want AP to be the reason I leave

I'm sorry, I call bullshit on this one. Staying gives you the opportunity to keep tabs on the AP. Staying also continues to throw disrespect into your BH's face. It's basically telling him that you care much more about your job and keeping contact with the AP than you do about your M and his feelings. It will scream as to what your priorities are.

Any kind of change is scary. In the case of infidelity change is necessary. I didn't have any contact with my AP through my job. Yet changing made a huge difference towards our R. I feel that had I continued to fight to keep it, we wouldn't be where we are today.

So you have a choice. Continue to act in selfish ways. Or make difficult choices, ones that will be uncomfortable to demonstrate your commitment to becoming a better person and your commitment to your M. The choice really is yours. But I hope you can understand that those choices can have undesirable results, especially when those choices are based on selfishness.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I can't believe I actually thought I had made some progress since first coming to SI...guess I am still just as fucked up.

Thank you for your responses. I know that what everyone is saying is right.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I can't believe I actually thought I had made some progress since first coming to SI...guess I am still just as fucked up.

Thank you for your responses. I know that what everyone is saying is right.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I can't believe I actually thought I had made some progress since first coming to SI...guess I am still just as fucked up.

No one said you haven't made any progress. You most likely have. But it doesn't happen overnight. It comes in bits and pieces. But this statement has "I'm feeling sorry for myself" written all over it. Take in the information you've been given and process it. Learn from it. And apply it.

There isn't a finish line with growth. It's a continuous process as long as you allow it to be.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Many of the things I read from you still reek of entitlement. You want this to happen your way. That has to be the first thing we give up. Until you do, nothing will work.

Great words, Tired.

Alyssa...you are brave to share what you feel and are struggling with. That's guts. And affairs are, ultimately, acts of cowardice. So while you are feeling down, you should also give some credit to yourself for this thread and sharing your hurt, fear, and struggles. The listening part to the advice given here won't be easy, as people are essentially telling you, like in recovery from alcohol and drugs, to give up your "people, places and things". Until you do so, and especially with your "close quarters" to xAP, you will likely be hard pressed to "recover" from your affair. IMHO.

You wrote:

I desperately want to move past my A and forget it ever happened. But I can't do that cuz I am not over my AP and for some reason can't get him out of my mind even though he is an asshole.

I can relate. Some of the most helpful information here has been looking at the xAP as a drug I became addicted to. The secrecy, the illicit nature of the affaor, all of it was like a drug, and learning there can be a chemical (in addition to all the emotional and physical components) of "withdrawal" was comforting to me, and helped explain some of my more bizarre, resentful, wheels spinning in the past, delusional thinking about my "world class lurrvvv affair that this planet hasn't seen the likes of since cupid first shot her arrow".

I realize now my xAP could have been any of a million women. She wasn't special (anything but, and, yes, a cold, emotionally damaged asshole to boot), and my projections onto her of qualities she simply doesn't possess, and which I wanted reflected back onto my own empty places (that's a whole other issue), is something I'm still coming to grips with.

You are not alone, and your thread has helped me. Please take to heart the wisdom you are being given. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I don't think I can handle any more changes right now and am afraid to start at a new job.

As broevil said, you would be surprised what you can handle.

My husband and I are starting to venture into new stuff starting tomorrow. We are moving into our new home tomorrow. I am going to be looking at going to school soon and after I am done school, I am going to quit my job.

Admittedly, there are certain things I don't want to give up at my job because I enjoy them. I like some of the people I work with, and (depending on what I am doing that day) I tend to like the actual work. The only thing is, my AP is still there. I really don't want to be working with him anymore. Even though we do different things and don't really work together, I still see him there and it bugs me.

I wouldn't be quitting my job because of my AP though. I am going to quit my job because I know that it will help my husband and I in our healing process. I know that my job is the one thing that is still really bothering my husband. I think he is doing okay now because I have been home for the past 4 months on maternity leave. But when it comes time for me to go back to work, I know it is going to bother the hell out of my husband. We have already have this conversation. It isn't financially feasible for me quit yet. Which is why I am going to go back to school and do something with myself.

This is something that you need to do though. Trust me, it will really help you with the healing process between you and your spouse.

You may be afraid to start a new job but you never know until it happens. You may love working at a new place. And you will probably make new friends too, which is always fun.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 12