User Topic: Does taking him back make me a sucker?
New Member
Member # 39437
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

WH hasn't done anything in particular to warrant the question, per se, but I can't help but wonder...

Does taking him back mean I should just tattoo "SUCKER" on my forehead?

He's doing everything "right," transparent, MC, no contact, etc but I just feel like having him come back to the relationship like all is well and if we work hard enough we can get back to the way things used to be is somehow cheating myself. Like I deserve better than a liar and a cheater.

Anybody ever feel like this?

[This message edited by Cyzygy at 1:38 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Me: 37, BS
Him: 39, WH
Married: 6 years, together for 9 years
2 boys, ages 3 & 4, he has a 15yo we never see
DDay: 5/21/13 (OW is a coworker at Walmart...he quit on Dday.)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Columbus, OH
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I don''t think so. Infidelity is out there and it''s rampant. These days people get Divorced so quickly, i think it takes a strong person to stay and fight. And having an intact family for your children is something to fight for. You could move on but you might find another cheater when you could stay and help throne you have hopefully heal and not continue to do these things.

A sucker is someone like me who let MC and other things go cause he didn''t like it and he said he''d do the work on himself. Now I''m back again! So go ahead and R but see it through and you won''t be a sucker, you''ll be a heroine!

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I went through the "I'm a sucker" phase for a long time. It still pops in here and there.

The wonderful people here told me that I didn't have to choose R or D right away. I could chose not-D and watch and see what happens. I am grateful my fWS did step up and do the work.

I guess what I'm saying is have your boundaries and deal breakers in place and be ready to follow through. Protect yourself.

Giving people a second chance takes a lot of strength and courage and I don't believe those are qualities of a "sucker"

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I've said this before here... choosing to D when you've been cheated on is in no way a coward's way out. Both roads are hard. For many, including me, there was no choice to R, that wasn't offered. Yet in hindsight, us splitting up was best for me, best for our kids, best for our lives.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Even in very strictly religious setups, infidelity is the deal-breaker that means there is no onus on you to stay in the marriage.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I don''t think taking him back makes you a sucker. It makes you a compassionate human being who is willing to accept the faults of another. I do believe failing to set strict guidelines for R, not going into therapy and not doing some real healing and soul-searching will set you up for more disappointment, and possibly another DDay.

Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

but I just feel like having him come back to the relationship like all is well and if we work hard enough we can get back to the way things used to be is somehow cheating myself. Like I deserve better than a liar and a cheater.

That is because you do. IMO, true R is when you start building a new marriage one that is WAY better than the way things used to be. Settling for the old and trying to pretend it didn't happen makes you a sucker. True R requires a ton of work and change from both of you. You go in eyes wide open, heal yourselves, heal each other, and build something much stronger than you ever had before the A. This is the exact opposite of being a sucker.

FWIW, I think many BS feel this to some degree when they don't immediately get up and leave, but R doesn't take any less strength than D.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

If you are a sucker, then all of us who decide to R are suckers too. For me, I weighed what he did with the totality of our marriage

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

You bet - it goes with the territory. But both roads (D, R) are hard, and neither is right for everybody. You just have to make the best decision for yourself that you can.

I may be a sucker for taking my W back, but I think that's going to be a lot more rewarding for me than dumping her - there's no win-win here. It's just lose more vs. lose less.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I think we all feel this at some point when deciding to reconcile after infidelity. We question how our WS see us, if they respect us, will they repeat the behavior because we chose to stay.

However, I believe it shows our strength. It shows how hard we are willing to fight for our marriage, even when we doubt it at times. It shows we are willing to work hard.

It isn't easy reconciling. It definitely does not define us as a sucker. Rather it's something to be admired.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I ask myself this EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY. I believe my ability to resolve this will make or break my marriage.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

No. It makes you someone who takes your vows seriously, who is willing to try to repair a damaged marriage, who is willing to try to rebuild.

It makes you someone who can try all these things, who is not a rock, who understands that people fail to be perfect.

It doesn't mean you lie down and let him off the hook, per se. He has a lot of work to do, the heavy lifting. And if you find that infidelity was a deal-breaker, you can choose to separate and do it in a way that allows you to be healthy and find happiness in the future.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I ask myself this all the time. sometimes i wonder if i am better off on my own and if this happened so that new doors were to open. but i am here and we are working hard to make this work for us and our kids. i do think that reconciling is super hard but i think that we can come out stronger in the end...we will see!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I think it takes a strong person to try to work through all the shit infidelity brings into a relationship. I felt like a sucker for a while too. But now that we are starting to turn a corner, I'm really glad I took a chance on working instead of immediately walking away.

Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Member # 36714
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Taking back a delusional waste of skin whose presence will diminish your children's lives more than their absence ever could? Sucker. Big time.

Taking back an idiot who made a flustercluck of absurdly bad choices and is moving heaven and earth to right those wrongs for the sake of you and the kids? Soft hearted, more guts than brains, but not exactly a sucker.

The distinction may feel overly fine, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 29th (Monday)

This is something I struggle with a LOT. What helps me is to think of it this way: If my fWH proves to me (and the rest of the world) that he is DESERVING of R, then I am not a sucker to take him back. However, if he does NOT prove that he is deserving of R (i.e. if he doesn't work on his issues, show me genuine, true remorse etc) then I would be a right idiot to take him back. So the onus is on him.... he has to prove to me that he is deserving of R.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)

No, if anything, it's admirable to be so strong. I finally realized love is a journey, not an end result of adoration and romance, but compatibility, compassion, and empathy.

For, me, I think it's harder to take the road less travelled.

But, yes, I felt like a sucker for months! Now, I feel like I'm the prize he's fighting so hard for. A damn good prize, if you ask me!

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I would so no, it doesn't make you a sucker, but I know how you feel...

After Dday you have choices, and all those choice bring consequences. So then you feel as if your sacrificing your dignity to make things work. Your kids, your home, your money, and everything that would change if you D.
As long as your getting what you need emotionally from your WS, to truly R, it can be worth all the suffering we go through.

Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Yep. I like lolly pops also, the kind with the chocolate in the middle. ummm..

I think there is an element of sucker-hood in all people who stay with someone who treated them poorly. And? The more I shake this stuff out in my narrative the more I realize this is about me making a choice based on what I want. Given the information in front of me I am making the best decision for me in the long run I think. Part of that is granting that my W simply got away with one. She, I think, is paying dearly for that. I take no pleasure in that anymore, but it doesn't balance the scales any. She has too many things about her that make me a sucker....

I had a friend the other day (he knows about the A, etc) who said he has more respect for people who have worked there way through hardship and painful situations. He was talking about my W, not me. I guess maybe I am not a sucker after all...

take care...

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I am asking myself the same question about being a sucker. The level of betrayal and deceit that my WS committed is one that I haven't seen much of in these pages - over 15 years of the past 23, 7 affairs, ranging from one night stands to a four-year long one (the most recent, which I discovered) and also a cyber-affair. He says he loved me the whole time and he is doing all the things he is supposed to for R, and says he is totally committed to R. We are in IC and MC. But what was there, really, of our marriage? Who is he, really? To have carried on that level of deceit for that long.... I just wonder if it's possible for me to get over it and stay with him. I have agreed to stay until mid-October at least - 6 months out from D-day. I am trying to stay committed to R, but today I just feel like a sucker.

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 20