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Reconciliation
User Topic: Is it a good idea to talk to the OP?
LIGHTCHASER
New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Hi everyone,
Here is my stort story below:My WH had an affair with another woman and confessed and now claims to have finished the A but never said that he was sorry to have hurt me. He doesn't want a divorce because of kids but does nothing to win me back or restore our marriage.He says that he doesnot find me attractive any more yet expects me to continue with this so-called M.

Do you think that this marriage still can be saved? By the way , I have just learned who the other woman is. I have been contemplating confronting her but I don't know if it is a good idea or not. I know not much about the truth since my WH doesn't want to talk about the details and if I insists he just makes up more lies.


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Why would you want to be with him? He cheated.."claims" the affair is over..hasn't said he was sorry..and won't do anything to repair the damage he has caused. He told you he's with you because of the kids..it sounds to me like he is still in the affair and doesn't want to have to pay child support and other expenses that come with divorce. He is cake eating.

Don't confront the OW. She will lie. It will only hurt you more. Your WH is ultimately your problem..and considering he has no remorse..he's a big problem.

Have you read the 180?


R is HARD work. It is a long,painful process to repair the damage done after an affair. If the WS isn't 150% committed to healing himself,the BS,and the marriage it won't work.


Get your ducks in a row..find your bitch boots..and file for divorce. You deserve more than the crumbs he is offering you. Actually,he isn't even offering you crumbs. Staying in a marriage with this man will destroy you.

Im so sorry.

(((((LIGHTCHASER)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:17 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Most people on here say don't talk to OP.

The OW was my friend and I have yet to talk to her. I am cool, indifferent, when I see her in a store, restaurant,etc. She is not worthy of a conversation with me.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:18 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Jan 2012
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I can't imagine it would be a good idea. She will undoubtedly lie, gaslight, rugsweep. All the things your WS is doing. You will most likely leave the conversation feeling tainted and worse than before. Save your energy and use it to work on you. You are way more important than her triflin' ass.

As to whether your marriage can be saved, unless his attitude improves, I have my doubt's.

Sorry you have to be here...


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I''m sorry you find yourself here, but you''re in the right place. Your WS (wandering spouse) sounds like he wants what most WS want in the aftermath of DDay (discovery day), they want things to go back to "normal", they want to be "forgiven" and they especially want us to forget. It doesn''t work that way.

What do you want?

If you want the truth, then ask for it. Do you want details? Ask for an A (affair) timeline. Do you want a better marriage? Go into MC (marriage counselling) and get IC (individual counselling) for both of you.

Do you want to recover and heal from his betrayal? Both of you should read books about healing from infidelity. Do you wish you could tell him how you feel? Then tell him. Find a safe place and time and tell him. Tell him every day.

We''re often afraid to scare them away, or push them away, but a true test of our WS'' willingness to R (reconcile) is how willing they are to face the consequences of their A. A sad, hurt, angry spouse is a natural consequence of the selfish choices they''ve made.

If he is not willing to give you details or you want and an A timeline, in a reasonable amount of time, and/or you feel like he''s still lying to you then you could contact his AP (affair partner). Before you do that get some feedback and advice from people here who have done that. It''s not an easy thing on many levels.

Whatever you decide you want for your recover from his A and for your continued M get lots of support IRL and here.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
LIGHTCHASER
New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I want to save my M because I don't want to deprive my children of their father. They love him so much and right now we live in a different country because of my H's job and if I get a divorce my children will only see their father a few times in a year if they are luck enough. I thought that my husband might still be in the fog and or still trying to end his A with the OW but can't and maybe later he will feel remorseful. Am I being too optimistic? And the reason why I want to talk to the OW is to learn the whole truth about the A if possible and gather some kind of evidence before I apply for a divorce. I talked to a lawyer and he said that we needed evidence for his infidelity. So I thought that maybe the OW will feed m with evidence to hurt me more and prove that my H loves her not me.


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

DO NOT CONTACT OP.

It is beneath your dignity.
Also, she obviously could care less about you & your kids, & she is a lier. Don't contaminate yourself.

As far as your WH's behavior, time to do the 180.
(((LIGHTCHASER)))

confused615 said it all

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1095 | Registered: Dec 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I understand your reasons for wanting to save your marriage.

A marriage can be saved after an affair..but only if both spouses want it saved. And the WS HAS to be FULLY invested and committed. They should be doing all the heavy work to R inn the first few months. If they're not fully committed,it can't work.

You are not his Plan B.

The kids will suffer as they watch their mother being disrespected and hurt repeatedly. If daddy can't/won't respect mommy and stop abusing her..and the kids..with his affair..then they will grow up thinking this is normal...that this is marriage..your son will think this is how to treat his wife..your DD will seek out a man who will treat her the way she has watched her daddy treat her mom.

The fog. That is just a polite way of saying they have their head firmly up their ass. I know it feels as if they've been abducted and replaced with some kind of alien,but no. This is who he is. Can he change? Absolutely. But does he want to? is he willing?

To R after an affair,a WS must be fully transparent..they must give full access to all accounts and cell phone..and passwords. They must be willing to answer all questions without blame and anger. They must be willing to go to IC and MC. They must be an open book. Anything less,and you are setting yourself up for more pain.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
wanttofeelwhole
Member
Member # 31830
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm not sure why you, or your husband, would want to be in a marriage " just for the kids" where one partner was not attracted to the other. But I stay for the wrong reasons as well.
As far as the OW. I spoke with her and don't regret the conversation. Yes she lied and tried to minimize the whole A, but I still got what I needed, and through in a few digs as well. My FWH and I were attempting R and I needed to talk to her to complete my picture. If I were you though, I would be careful. Your husband has said hurtful things and you don't know what he's told her and I'm sure she will be more than willing to share every hurtful detail.


Sorry I don't edit the typos
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.-Unknown
For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.-Bo Bennett
Memory is a complicated thing, a rel

Posts: 786 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Sliding down the backside of the rainbow
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

He confessed? as in, you didn''''t know, didn''''t ask, and told you of his own volition?

You want to R, but... He''''s untruthful and unremorseful?

When did you find out? If it''''s been less than a month I would keep at it with the straightforward approach for another week, to show him you''''re not backing down.

If that doesn''''t work then it''''s time to put some bitchboots on and do the 180.

[This message edited by Knowing at 8:45 AM, July 28th, 2013 (Sunday)]


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I've just read you past posts. This man is physically abusive. He cheated. he is cold. he is cruel. And he is setting *this* as an example to your son..this is how a man behaves..and he is telling your DD this is how a woman is treated.

This man is offering you nothing. I know..this was the first time he was abusive. There will be another time. And another.

You need to protect yourself..your heart and your body..from this man.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

i am so sorry you are here in this painful place in your life...i know how hard it is.

please, whatever you do...listen to your friends on SI..and do not contact the ow. she will lie...and no matter what she says...it wont make you "feel" any better. it wont. dont give her the opportunity to hurt you...and she will. and will relish doing it.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
LIGHTCHASER
New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Thank you so much for all the responses you have given to my post. I am not going to talk to that slut. In fact, neither my WH nor the OW knows that I know who the other woman is and pretending not to know may be for my benefit for the future while collecting evidence before my divorce.


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Im glad..no good will come of it.

Im sorry if I sounded harsh in my earlier posts. Sometimes I tend to be a little TOO blunt.

((((LC)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 29th (Monday)

confused....just wanted to add...you are not too blunt....you are giving good, sound advice....in bitchboots. we need that.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Thanks sri...


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 16