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User Topic: I read this this morning.....
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

"Having relationships without barriers, ones in which we can be entirely open with our feelings, is something many of us desire. At the same time, the possibility of such intimacy causes us more fear than almost any other situation in life.

If we examine what frightens us, we'll usually find that we are attempting to hide an aspect of our personalities that we are ashamed of, an aspect we sometimes haven't even admitted to ourselves. We don't want others to know of our insecurities, our pain, or our neediness, so we simply refuse to expose them. We may imagine that if no one knows about our imperfections, those imperfections will cease to exist.

This is the point where our relationships stop. Anyone who enters our lives will not get past the point at which our secrets begin. To maintain intimacy in a relationship, it is essential that we acknowledge our defects and accept them. When we do, the fortress of denial, erected to keep these things hidden, will come crashing down, enabling us to build up our relationships with others."


It really resonated with me!!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Forgot to uncheck stop sign!!!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I alerted this to get the stop sign unchecked.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:32 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36633 | Registered: Sep 2007
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thanks!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

I really like this quote.

When we go too far to protect ourselves we really do prevent true intimacy.

Trust is such a scary, yet worthy and necessary thing sometimes.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16425 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Okay, no stop sign! Now I can reply.

Thank you so much for sharing this... it is so true. XH disapproved of a lot about me (we really weren't compatible when you got right down to it) and whenever I knew he'd be upset, I'd retreat so yes, we were really lacking in intimacy.

I don't know that facing those things would have changed much between us in the long run but this has definitely given me something to chew on for the next time around. I want that intimacy with someone.

Thank you for sharing.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15362 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Don't you feel it isn't always are weaknesses we hide? I think our strengths can be just as disconcerting, if not more so.

That's been a part of my process. They're there. Might as well own them, share them, even celebrate them. The key is controlling them and not settling for someone that requires you to hide or mask them.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

not settling for someone that requires you to hide or mask them

That was the first thing that came to mind. What if people consider knowing too much about you to be a burden to them? What if it's a courtesy to hide or at least not proclaim parts of yourself?

Maybe we underestimate the importance of the company we keep and how safe we are to be ourselves. In theory we should be able to be ourselves around anyone, right? But that's not the case. There are people out there with real power to hurt us.

First and foremost, we need to know who we are inside, be healthy about it, and not sell that short.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Great post, ironically my WW claims we lacked intimacy -- but the truth is I have a great desire to be open and honest with someone. I have explained to my wife that trust means much more than expecting someone will not do bad things to hurt you. It's about being vulnerable. I am not sure that she is capable of that.

Furthermore, I am not sure I can ever trust her with the truth, as she has tendency to take even my most honest statements and interpret them in the worst possible way (and far too frequently I do not even know what she has decided I meant).

Seeing that statement in writing really helps me focus on what I really want. My question is, is that a realistic goal? IDK, but I have seen the alternative and it is not healthy.

Where was that written, BTW?

[This message edited by Later at 1:36 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That resonates with me on so many levels. Do you know how often I would stuff something because I didn't want to appear needy or look like some complaining bitch? I truly wonder sometimes if we'd still be together if I had been 100% honest all the time about everything that bothered me or hurt me. I wish I had been more honest with myself and him, if I had perhaps I wouldn't find myself here.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Great post, ironically my WW claims we lacked intimacy

"We", as in the royal "we"? I think that diagnosis is laughable when it comes from the one person hiding things. Yeah? Well, sorry. When you said "nothing" I had no idea it meant "yeah, you bet your ass it's something and you better figure it out or pay indefinitely for something you should have known not to do (or to do)". You can see how "nothing" is so much efficient than all that.

I think, and I'm probably really singular on this, lack of intimacy is kind of a red herring. If someone is actively concealing key pieces of knowledge or information is that really a lack of intimacy or a purposeful misrepresentation?

If the person has no insight or knowledge of that part of them is that still lack of intimacy or a lack of self awareness?

Intimacy seems to me to be more a result of genuine and honest communication. Lack of it also seems more like a symptom rather than a nexus of a problem.

Maybe too little sleep and too much coffee.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you for this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Don't you feel it isn't always are weaknesses we hide? I think our strengths can be just as disconcerting, if not more so.

I think this is a matter of perception.

In the past I saw my ability to manipulate, my self righteousness, my ability to steal, as well as many other fabulous character traits as strengths.

While I saw my compassion, my loving nature, my vulnerability as weaknesses.

In theory we should be able to be ourselves around anyone, right?

I'm not suggesting that at all!!

There are very few people that I feel truly comfortable enough around to show the real me.
And I'm perfectly fine with that.

I've spent so much of my life not loving who I am, changing myself to be whoever I thought you would like, that I lost who I really am.
Who I was, was never good enough in my eyes.

I'm finally getting to a point that if you don't like who I am, Oh well!!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

In the past I saw my ability to manipulate, my self righteousness, my ability to steal, as well as many other fabulous character traits as strengths.

Do you not believe the underlying trait can't be when used in a different way. Every character trait has a positive and negative descriptor. Stubborn can also be tenacious.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Do you not believe the underlying trait can't be when used in a different way. Every character trait has a positive and negative descriptor. Stubborn can also be tenacious.

Sure. I can spin anything around. Stealing becomes relieving people of things they don't need, or "it's a huge store, who am I hurting?" If I justify stealing I am not being true to the things I really believe.

Self righteous can easily become, Well I am right, you should know that too.
If I'm hiding my vulnerability behind self righteousness I am not being true to myself, and no one knows the real me.

This quote is about self honesty. Being true to yourself. And then sharing that.

If at the end of the day, I'm okay with my strengths and weaknesses, I'm doing okay.

If I'm okay with being a selfish low life, that would steal your wallet and then help you look for it, great.

If I'm okay being tenacious, great.

I am the one who has to live with me.

I choose which character traits I am okay with, so I can meet my own eye in the mirror.

Later: It's from a daily meditation book I have


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I don't think you and I are talking about the same thing. Stealing, to me is not a character trait. It's an option. Sure you can justify choosing it as a solution using character traits to do it but that is also rather situational as well, wouldn't you say?

I take a rather kitchen sink approach to problems. Say shortage of funds. What options I toss in my arsonal are different.

If it's the zombie apocolype and my kids need food stealing is one of the primary options I'm "kichen sinking".

If it's two days prior to pay day and power needs to be paid doesn't even make the list because of efficiency and risk. Neither is a sign of using good character traits. Both pretty sound choices, to me

[This message edited by uncertainone at 5:15 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Don't you feel it isn't always our weaknesses we hide?

maybe vulnerabilities would be a better word, instead of weaknesses

I think our strengths can be just as disconcerting, if not more so.

definitely. in these instances, I think it would be more of something about ourselves that we feel could be misunderstood or misinterpreted, rather than something we're ashamed of. I guess that would fit under the category of "simply refuse to expose them."


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

broevil, I don't think stealing is a trait anymore than cheating is. It is an undesirable act, but not a trait. The traits that enable it may be very valuable if applied differently.

Most often, peoples greatest character strengths and weaknesses are the exact same thing, just applied differently.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

broevil, I don't think stealing is a trait anymore than cheating is. It is an undesirable act, but not a trait. The traits that enable it may be very valuable if applied differently.


I am well aware that stealing is not a character trait.

It's all those things that go along with it.


Most often, peoples greatest character strengths and weaknesses are the exact same thing, just applied differently.

Maybe. We can have different views.

I've never used self righteousness as an asset, or manipulation.

No one touched those.

This has gotten far from my intention of the original post.

Glad for those who this helped.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm finally getting to a point that if you don't like who I am, Oh well!!
Me, too!

I wish it didn't take so long but I sure am happy to be here .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36633 | Registered: Sep 2007
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

^^^ me too!!

Looking back I wish I had gotten there so much sooner. But better late than never


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Sometimes the barrier comes as a result of being open with your partner. At the end, the X hated my ability to take charge and my self-sufficiency, even though he deferred almost every decision to me. He loved being a KISA, and I just didn't need to be saved. I know this because he told me.

I don't regret being myself, and I'll never subjugate myself for another person, but I now know that I can't control what other people think of me. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam."


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19803 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I feel closer (more intimacy) with my WH after he tells me the truth about his horrible choices and his feelings. It's sad that this had to happen but I also feel free now to say exactly who I am and how I feel.

No more stuffing. I'm not afraid of what he will think of me anymore.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 23