User Topic: another post, how would this make you feel???
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

H repeatedly uses this phrase as a comfort??

"no one is hurting you now"

When he says that immediately my gut says, "no one??"

It wasn't "no one", it was you, you hurt me.

This wasn't some random act of cruelty from a stranger. This was you choosing to hurt me.

Am I being overly sensitive?

Would this bother anyone else?

It just bugs me. I hate when he says this.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1418 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Yes. That would bother me. I've been reading your posts all morning. Imo...your wh hasn't owned anything in regards to his a. The fact that he can't even say "I" when he discusses why you hurt is proof of that. I'm so sorry for your pain, and unfortunately, he is compounding it with his denial and rugsweeping. (((Cantaccept)))

Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Ive read your posts. He doesn't get it. He still is engaging in wayward thinking..he doesn't seem to have any idea as to what he has done to you or the marriage.

No one is hurting you NOW? Um..he is..right? He's being insensitive and cruel. He's telling you it's "not all bout you and your pain." And you're very early on in this process. It IS about you and your pain and the shit he has pulled. What is is NOT about is his selfishness and memememememe attitude.

What is he DOING to show you he wants to R? Not what is he saying..what are his actions telling you?

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7677 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 28th (Sunday)

Again thank you.

I doubt myself constantly, wonder if I am being difficult.

It helps to know others would feel the same, I feel as if I am being so selfish.

Then I worry that I am failing to protect myself again.

Just feels like too many issues all at once. An avalanche.

Facing who he is, facing what I contributed, realizing that I have lived my whole life without ever stopping to think about me and what I deserve.

It is a hard concept for me, everytime I think "i am worth this" I feel guilty for being so selfish.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1418 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

yeah, that would really bug me. tons.

It is like he is trying to disassociate himself from your pain, and , kinda talk down to you like your crazy for this present pain of yours (look baby, there's no monster in the closet, go to sleep).

I'd be boiling, I would.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3629 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

that would bother me, too. A lot. You're NOT being overly sensitive. Pretty normal reaction.

Stay strong.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I have heard that a lot, too.

From what mine did, I now have a panic disorder and severe anxiety problems.

Your husband is being hugely invalidating. He needs to get over himself so you can get over his affair.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Him just saying, "no one is hurting you now" hurts you in itself. That's just mind boggling.

Posts: 7493 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

you are not alone...i would feel the exact same way as you.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

My WS has said "I just want you to heal/be happy/smile."
My response?
That's not going to happen for a long time no matter what the outcome is for our M.
"no one is hurting you now"
simple response: it hasn't stopped hurting from before...

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Our MC's occasionally tell me this, too. They're really big on focusing on the now and not the past for some reason. I feel your pain.

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 29th (Monday)

What an ass. That's just another way of saying "get over it". 2-5 years. If he can't stand the heat, why did he start the fire?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 12