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silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Hi everyone. I've posted a lot here about my family situation on my Dad's side.

My great-grandmother passed away earlier this week while we were visiting her. I was the one who found her. I know she would want me to be happy and remember the good times, and I will and do, but right now is still really sad. She was one of my most precious people.

This is bringing up feelings that are making me confused. Her memorial service will be in August most likely. I will be seeing my grandparents and my father. I haven't seen my father in three years, and my grandparents and I had our falling out long ago. My grandfather in particular.

I don't want to be focusing on this right now. It's making me feel anxious to know I'll be seeing them again, and I'm not sure how to act. Luckily all the extended family who lived in the valley with my Nana will be there and they've all been really kind to me. It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.

Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done and once I don't have to see my grandparents and father anymore? Is it wrong that I still want to keep far away from them? Emotionally they scare me. And my grandfather is unpredictable and scares me for physical safety too.

I miss Nana. Rest in peace, beloved one.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((silver)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think staying away from your grandfather or anyone else, is fine. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your safety.


Posts: 33995 | Registered: Mar 2011
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you jo2love. I think it would feel safest to stay close to the family/neighbors who make me feel safe. If they approach me, I'm not sure what to do. Shake their hands? With my grandfather, he's almost certain to say something nasty. Should I ignore him and hope he stops? If he persists, I was going to say, "This is neither the time nor the place," but not sure what else I can say...

I hate that I'm wondering about this instead of mourning my sweet Nana. Earlier this week I was able to think of all the good things we did on her last day, how much love we gave her and shared with her, and knowing that she was happy. Maybe I need to keep focusing on that instead of the other family drama...


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Aw silver, I'm so sorry.

(((Silver)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15363 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

((((Silver)))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Trust your instincts regarding the service and your family.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4866 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((Silver)))

My condolences on the loss of your Nana.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51572 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry sweetie. You've got a HUGE hug coming your way in 5 days!


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16469 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I am sorry for your loss


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry, silverhopes. I remember how you struggle with these people. Try practicing, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If any of them try to give you a hard time, just repeat as often as necessary. Smile enigmatically and walk away. You can do this. Take strength from your Nana.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

((((silverhopes))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.


"I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot. I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not."

Posts: 6298 | Registered: Dec 2010
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm sorry for your loss. (((silverhopes)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Will I be able to mourn properly once this trip is done
Silverhopes, don't worry about that, you already are. The process is a very personal thing, and different for each person.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

((((Silver)))) I'm so very sorry.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you everyone.

Sad in AZ, that's a good idea. It would probably help to just be able to repeat something that makes clear where my boundaries are. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "Thank you for letting me know how you feel". I will draw strength from my Nana. She would want me to be polite and safe. And she would want me to think of my son and be appropriate in front of him.

aesir, I think you're right. The process keeps changing. A bit ago some friends came to visit and we went out, and while we were having good times thoughts of my Nana came back up again. I wish I had hugged her harder when I saw her for the last time. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish she were still here. But maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll be thinking about all the wonderful memories instead and how we tried to do everything to show her how special she was to us. Going to find some way to honor her life.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((silver)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to find her.

It feels like taking care of my son is going to be even more important this trip, because I want to keep him safe around my father and grandparents.
It's always important to guard the little ones and *try* to give them a better life than we had. What is it that you think your father or grandfather might do to your son? Or is it that you're concerned they may do something to make you lose your cool?

Posts: 11420 | Registered: Mar 2008
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That is a good question, TIKY, and it might help to put a name to the fear.

Three years ago my father chose to exit my life because I chose to have my son. Last summer I asked if he would like to meet his grandson, just to give him a chance to come back if he wanted to, and he said no. He claimed it was because he had codependency issues, and he might. I honestly don't know how he would receive my son, and that scares me.

As for my grandfather... in addition to emotionally attacking me over the years, possibly assaulting and giving my Nana a black eye (she wouldn't admit to it, but there are several pieces of the story that point to him), shooting and killing my Nana's dog when she was in the hospital, and almost shooting the neighbor's daughter, the last time I saw him, he said something about my son being "the result of bad decisions". He is incredibly unpredictable and I have no idea what he'd do to any of us. But my primary worry is my son. All the extended family and neighbors in the valley hate him. Unfortunately, my father, grandmother, and even to an extent my own mother let him get away with what he does. My mother claims he's an asshole and has stood up to him before on my behalf, but she doesn't buy that he hurt Nana and has made excuses for some of his behavior.

The coroner checked her for signs of abuse when she passed away because the circumstances around her death were unusual. I found her in her river. There were no signs of abuse that they saw, fortunately. So they think it was an accident. Just the same, I am really afraid of my grandfather. I hope the sheriff will be there. He came on Tuesday, and he was the one who investigated when Nana had the black eye. I really really hope he'll be there.

The problem with all the stuff with my grandfather is, he already sat in jail for "reckless display of a firearm" or whatever happened with the neighbor's daughter, and after 21 days in the jail, they returned his guns to him. He'd be foolish to do anything else. But then, he's still running free and people are still enabling him to do so.

Anyway... that's why I'm afraid. I want to keep my son close to me, as in I don't even want my mother watching him since she might try to do something to get my Dad to acknowledge him. There are some truly scary people in my family.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

*sigh*

(((silver)))

If it were me in this situation, rather than risk exposing my child to a crazy man with firearms, who has been known to injure people and kill animals (and possibly kill people- just because it hasn't been proven doesn't mean that he didn't do it), I would not go to the formal service and I would honor her in my own way.

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.


Posts: 11420 | Registered: Mar 2008
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That's OK. I'm glad you asked why I was afraid. Writing it out makes it very real how frightening this really is. I wonder if there is a way if I could find out whether he's attending or not. That could help determine it. I want to honor her. But you're right, I cannot put my son in danger by being around him. The times I've talked about being afraid of him, my mother has said I'm overreacting and not to draw that kind of energy to myself. Pretty sure how I feel has nothing to do with his choices.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

That was part of why I didn't visit my Nana as often as I should have anyway. I was afraid that every time I went up there, I would encounter him, and I was afraid he was going to hurt me one day. I wish I had gone more. The extended family only told me last year about him hurting Nana. I wish I had gone more and protected her. They just wanted her money.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 29th (Monday)

The day of the visitation, you can go early and say goodbye to her. Then, you can stay until your Grandfather shows up. When he gets there either leave quietly or go find a seat with your son, or take your son outside to run energy off. Then, when the service starts, sit with your child, if you are still there!

Then, when it's over go to someone's house where the scarey family members aren't....

It is about keeping YOU and your son safe. She is in heaven she loves you, she wants you safe, too.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1982 | Registered: Jan 2012
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I'm sorry. I know what I wrote about my family must seem unbelievable and extreme. There are some times where I wonder if I'm out of my mind and it's all in my head. Most of what I wrote has been confirmed by other people. For a long time I thought my issues with my grandfather were all in my head because my father said that I was projecting onto him. But then other people noticed the same things about him. I don't know what's wrong with my family. Nana was the best person out of all of us.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 29th (Monday)

The day of the visitation, you can go early and say goodbye to her. Then, you can stay until your Grandfather shows up. When he gets there either leave quietly or go find a seat with your son, or take your son outside to run energy off. Then, when the service starts, sit with your child, if you are still there!
Then, when it's over go to someone's house where the scarey family members are....

It is about keeping YOU and your son safe. She is in heaven she loves you, she wants you safe, too.

Thank you! That is a WONDERFUL idea!!! That's exactly what we'll do. We'll just outright leave when or before my grandfather gets there, and I'll be careful to arrive, stay, and leave with safe people.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Sorry to keep posting. I feel not so alone when I'm posting here. There's something I realized and I think SI would understand. We sometimes talk about "soulmate shmoopies" and the rest, and sometimes it makes you wonder what a real soulmate is.

I realized that Nana was my soulmate. She taught me what unconditional love is. We had a connection that really didn't need words. We used to spend time just holding hands, or holding each other while we walked. She always used to say I was her girl. Even when the rest of our family fell apart we kept our own relationship and closeness. It took years to build that specialness with her. She was probably the one who showed me how beautiful nature is too. She was so totally at home in the woods and by her river. She had her struggles like anyone and she was so strong. She's the kind of person you want to be when you grow up.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I'm sorry. I know what I wrote about my family must seem unbelievable and extreme. There are some times where I wonder if I'm out of my mind and it's all in my head. Most of what I wrote has been confirmed by other people.
I did not, even for a minute, think this is all in your head, silver. I know you have a really messed-up family dynamic.

Aside from that, I just wanted to give you another hug, (((silver))), because I know you're in pain and that's all I can do to offer comfort. I wish I could do more.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:29 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 11420 | Registered: Mar 2008
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, July 29th (Monday)

She was one of my most precious people.

This speaks volumes...

God bless you and your family.

Celebrate your Nana's life!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 29th (Monday)

(((silver)))
I agree that you should be able to mourn her in your own way, and away from the crazy family members. Please do the go early thing.
YOU know that Nanna knows your love her, you also know that she doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad. Celebrate who she was, do something after the service that was her thing. Whether it was gardening, or cooking or whatever. Do it in honor of her. I planted a tree in my yard after my Gram passed. I too had a very special relationship with her, and though she was elderly, and had been demented and sick for the last few months, it was still hard. But she loved to garden, and grow stuff, so I grew a tree in her honor. The following fall (she died in early august) I made the kids halloween costumes, this was something she did for myself and my sister, and our kids. Of course as her mind started to go the cat looked more like a donkey, but hey, we loved it. Sewing those costumes that year helped me have some closure.
She has been gone now for 13 years, and I still miss her every day, but I look back with a warm fondness. And occasionally when life is really hairy, and things are tough she visits me in a dream to tell me all will be ok.

My point is you don't even have to be there if you don't feel safe, or don't want to be. She knows you are loving her, missing her, and she is very proud of the person you have become despite everything you have been through. She will give you strength, love and warmth when you need it most.

((((and peace))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7843 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 29th (Monday)

((((((Silver)))))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a Nana that I adored, too. I was with her when she passed.

Nothing will ever fill the void she has left behind, but the memories you have of her will keep her in your heart.

(((((((((Silver)))))))))


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Tushnurse, I think that's a great idea. We went to the garden today, and it felt like she was there with us, because she loved gardening. It's so important to do these things, isn't it? It feels like we're carrying on the legacy.

Please do the go early thing.
YOU know that Nanna knows your love her, you also know that she doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad.

Definitely.

I've been talking to one of the neighbors in particular. A few months ago something happened. Nana used to have a bank account that my grandmother was also on. My grandmother was taking out a lot of my Nana's money each month, too much. So a few months ago this neighbor took Nana to the bank to open a new account with only her name on it. She made me the beneficiary of her account. The neighbor said she wanted to leave something to me and my son because everything else had already been left to or taken by my grandparents and father.

I don't care about money. The neighbors and my close family have all told me to take what she left me and my son because it was a gift. I understand what they're saying. I'm scared, though, because my grandmother tried to get to the money earlier this week, I just found out, and my father wrote me an email saying that they know I'm the beneficiary of the account and to not spend the money because it might be needed for bills (he mentioned pension refunds). I also found out this week that my grandparents have taken over $30K from Nana in the past year.

While I do not want to give them the money, I'm afraid that if I don't they might hurt me. I'm afraid of not cooperating with them, even though everyone says that I should not give them the money and I don't want to since they have taken more than enough already. I was thinking of just asking them what the bills are so I can pay them directly. Our physical safety is worth more than money or pride. Nana would want us to be safe. What do you guys think?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:49 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Nothing will ever fill the void she has left behind, but the memories you have of her will keep her in your heart.

So true.

I'm sorry you lost your Nana too. They left a big light in the world.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
click4it
Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 29th (Monday)

((((silver))))


So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to grieve and also deal with the other issues with the family. Sending strength and hugs.


Me: 41
Two boys: 17 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25509 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Silver, don't give them any of that money.

That is YOURS from your Nana who wanted you to have it, not to pay bills.

Your grandmother should have paid those bills, instead of stealing your Nana's money.

How can they hurt you? You mean they would physically come after you and cause you harm? Can you alert the police?

They cannot force you to hand over that account. Please don't let them. Also, you're not responsible for any bills left behind.

Don't let them coerce or intimidate you into paying them.


((((((Silver))))))

Nanas really are the brightest lights....it does get so much darker when they're gone.

She will ALWAYS be with you. I don't know if you believe in spirits....but watch your dreams. She may come to you. My Nana comes to me, in mine.

eta
I re-read your posts about your family. Of COURSE you're scared. They are lunatics.
I would stay far away from them. Get a restraining order if you can. Talk to the Sheriff. Tell him she left you this sum of money and they want it. Ask him for advice. He may be able to help you, Silver.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the crazy on top of trying to come to terms with your Nana's passing.

[This message edited by itainteasy at 7:13 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I think I'm going to talk to the Sheriff. He was really comforting to me when all of this went down. I thought he'd be questioning me and making me feel badly because I was the one who found her... Instead he told me not to blame myself (I was blaming myself because I wish I had stayed with her that night, even though we usually stay up the road, I was blaming myself for things that I know don't make any sense), and he said that he was aware of the situation with my grandparents. Apparently several of the neighbors had mentioned it to him, and several of them had wondered if my grandparents hadn't come up there and done it. So it was a very common suspicion, and I think that's why they checked her extra-carefully for signs of abuse.

I'm thinking of asking the Sheriff if he was planning to attend the memorial service. It's a very small town, so everyone pretty much knows each other anyway. Maybe I'll ask him for advice as well on what to do about this situation and mention my fears. I don't know how much he can do, but it's worth it to try.

I called her bank today. They said to come in, in person, so I'll do that when I go back there. This will give me time to think of what the safest plan is going forward. Was thinking of arriving a day before the memorial service, taking care of any business, and then the day of the memorial service, leaving right afterward and flying home. No chance for extended confrontations or nastiness.

I hope.

And a restraining order is a wonderful idea, itainteasy. Maybe I should start looking into the paperwork for it, so that if I need to, I have everything I need already there.

(((hugs everyone)))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Had one more thought. Maybe it would help to carry my VAR with me when I go up there. Does anyone know if it's illegal to pack a VAR in your luggage, either carry on or checked bag? And for that matter, is it illegal to carry one on your person, recording? That way, if they make any threats or say anything that makes me uncomfortable, I'll have proof.

I was also thinking of making a contract that they have to sign, if they attempt to take the money from me. It would say that I agree to give up x amount of the inheritance under the condition that they do not bother, harass, or harm my family ever again. Not sure if I'm just thinking crazy, but I'm trying to find some way of feeling safer or more protected around them. I'm leaning more towards giving them the money just so they won't have any reason to come after me (though with truly hurtful people, they don't need a reason to come after you). Then trying to be as uninteresting as possible, not answering any emails or contacts...

Also have begun looking into Order of Protection paperwork. Trying to decide which one to apply for if I need to. I have a mental disability, so it might go under "Dependent Adult Abuse Restraining Order".


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Writing this out is helping, because one more idea came up.

I would want Nana's gift to go to my son, maybe to save for college or in general if my son needs it. But I don't want any trouble over it.

My mother is good with money, and she also has semi-stood up to my grandparents before (though like I said, also sometimes defends their choices). She says we shouldn't have to worry about paying bills with that money. Maybe I could ask her to help me set up a savings account for my son, that she could watch out for, and then it will be waiting for him for when he's older. That way it's not in my name, so my grandparents wouldn't gain anything by harassing me, and my mother is tough enough to stand up to them. They seem to have some amount of respect for her, or at least they've never threatened her. Though if it seems like it would put her in danger, then never mind that.

I'm going to run it by her... See what she thinks. And a lot of it will depend on how they act in the upcoming weeks. Good to have options.

Night-night, SI. Going to try to sleep now.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:10 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

I doubt that there are laws against owning/carrying a VAR, but each state is different about using one. In some states, both parties must be aware that they are being recorded. You can look this up on the internet for your state. If this is true where you are, you may be able to get around this by stating to each person that you fear adverse interaction from that you carry a recorder and what they say may indeed be recorded (remember-I'm not an attorney.) When researching, be particularly mindful of the fact that the other party may have to CONSENT to being recorded.

In the long run, your best bet is to ignore them completely--the 180 works for families too. When you go to the bank, see if they can advise you about the ownership of the money your grandmother left in your name. They can't give legal advice, but they may be able to set your mind at rest.

Then, move on. You already know that your family is toxic. Don't put yourself in a position to have to wonder about your sanity. You don't get to pick your relatives, so don't beat yourself up for having lousy ones.

(((((silverhopes)))))


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

so they won't have any reason to come after me (though with truly hurtful people, they don't need a reason to come after you).

If they have a mind to come after you, they will whether you give them money or not.

Don't give them any.

Keep it for yourself and for your son. That's what your Nana wanted.

I'm not sure I'd trust your mother with it...she may have stood up to your grandparents a couple of times, but will she stand up to them AND your dad if they all come down on her about that money?

You can take that money and put it in a trust for your son--you need a lawyer to do that, I think, but after that, it's not your money. It's his, after he reaches a certain age.


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
nowiknow23
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Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Silver - I am so sorry for your loss. I remember your posts about your nana and how important you were to each other. My heart is heavy for you. (((((hugs)))))

Just reading your posts since you opened this thread, I can see your strength growing. Your nana was the main reason why these toxic people remained near your life, right? There is no reason at this point to continue ANY communications with them. They will not change. You are NOT overreacting. You and little silver have a right to be safe and surrounded by love. Make the choices that support that, and you will be fine. Trust yourself.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

If this is true where you are, you may be able to get around this by stating to each person that you fear adverse interaction from that you carry a recorder and what they say may indeed be recorded (remember-I'm not an attorney.) When researching, be particularly mindful of the fact that the other party may have to CONSENT to being recorded.

Thank you Sad in AZ, this is good to know. I will look up what the laws are. Maybe just by saying to them that they're being recorded, it will actually wind up stopping them from being nasty.

You can take that money and put it in a trust for your son--you need a lawyer to do that, I think, but after that, it's not your money. It's his, after he reaches a certain age.

This sounds like the best idea. I like that it would be waiting for him and that it wouldn't be in my name. It feels more protected that way somehow. Nana would be happy knowing it went to her great-great-grandson.

Your nana was the main reason why these toxic people remained near your life, right? There is no reason at this point to continue ANY communications with them.

YES. This is one of the only "good" things about right now. After this one trip (and if we're really lucky, not even then), I will not have to see them ever again. I can officially let them go and we can move on with our lives!

August 12th. Just checked email. Good, now we can get ready.

eta Damn, August 12th is a Monday. So in order to leave directly after the service, I would have to hope it's in the afternoon, we'd have to fly in on Sunday, and go to the bank first thing in the morning on Monday before the service. *crossing fingers*

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:12 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

And a good-hearted neighbor just called me. It's at 1pm, and I asked her if we could come up a day early and hang out with her (if my mother says yes). The neighbor said yes and that she will get the house we usually stay at ready. She said that everyone is invited to the service. This was a concern because most of the valley isn't fond of my grandparents. But everyone is going to be there. I am so thankful. It sounds like it is going to be a wonderful service.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Will definitely post an update once we're back from the service. But in the meantime... needed to vent.

It appears the mind-games have begun. I got an email from my grandmother earlier this evening, mentioning that two photos were missing from Nana's kitchen, that they'd searched the house but they're gone, and that this was "sad and on how many different levels".

I have the photos. Several neighbors know I have the photos because they, in fact, encouraged me to take them so I'd have something positive of my Nana in the upcoming days of mourning her. One of the photos - one of Nana with her two dogs when they were puppies - I had put on my Facebook as some of the extended family and neighbors want copies of that photo. I'm making hard copies but also wanted to put them online for them if they wanted. Since my father and I are connected on Facebook, he would know this too if he were to look at my page.

So I'm pretty sure she knows I have the photos. But instead of saying it upfront or asking upfront, she lays an indirect guilt-trip on me. I sent her a message back saying I have the photos and that I'm making copies of the one with the puppies and will bring the copies with me to the memorial service. Pisses me off for them to be wondering about that particular photo, since my grandfather shot one of those beautiful dogs. The other one disappeared years ago... Hate that now I'm wondering if the dog really "disappeared" or not.

Anyway. Just venting. I knew to keep my guard up when she started with the "nice" emails the day after my Nana's passing. I wrote her back politely but kept on guard, and for good reason.

Wrote my father back too. He'd been sending emails - ranging from technical details of matters to come and a few that were asking if I'm OK. Those were pleasantly nice to receive though felt a little sad too, since like usual never sure when the "closeness" is going to stop (I'd been preparing to let him go emotionally before this happened). We had written back and forth a few times politely. He wrote at the end of the last one that he'll see me at the service. When I wrote back, I brought up the "elephant" and told him my family will be coming with me to mourn as well, and to please let me know what his boundaries are so I can try to respect them. We haven't had any resolution about this situation, and I'd rather know going in where he's at with it (he won't be separating me from my son, so I'd like to know how he wants me to approach him). I haven't heard back from him yet.

Anxiety's building, but hoping determination will follow. Getting a lot done in preparation, going to be strong up there.

Thank you everyone for your support and thoughtfulness, especially to the awesome SI crew yesterday! Hard to be stressed when you're walking at the pier with friends. Stay safe.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:42 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Hey silerhopes, hope you are holding up well.

Just my two cents on a couple of your concerns here.

I would take the VAR. Most of those laws involve admissibility in court. Things that just happen to get picked up are usually admissible, that's why cellphone videos keep turning up even though the people on the videos were not aware of them. Also, in many jurisdictions if the recorder is visible, consent will be inferred. Most of the recorders also have a memo function as well, you can record a few notes to yourself at the beginning, then switch it to VAR mode. (oops, you mean that wasn't off?)

As far as the money vs. bills, don't worry about it. Bills are paid by the executor, out of the proceeds of the estate. That money is no longer in the estate. I am assuming that she set up a joint account with you, so the money is now yours. If you were somehow named as a beneficiary instead, that is still outside of the estate. The executor can pay the bills with what is still in the estate, and when the estate runs out of money, then those bills do not get paid. Creditors can not go after you Nana. The only reason they would want you to pay the bills with that money would be so that they don't have to be paid for by what is inside the estate that they are going to be receiving themselves.

Stay safe.

Also, saying "now is neither the time nor place" in response to anything that makes you uncomfortable is quite appropriate. You can even keep repeating it if necessary.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

I would take the VAR. Most of those laws involve admissibility in court.

Not true in the US, aesir. The laws governing use of a VAR vary by state. It is considered wire-tapping and therefore a criminal act if not allowed.

If you need to tape them (and I can understand why), please check the law and if necessary, tape them surreptitiously and do not disclose.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gahurts
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Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 4th (Sunday)

Be safe silverhopes, and so sorry for your loss.

I hope you can get through all this quickly and without issue so that it will all be behind you as soon as possible.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3337 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Still having trouble finding state info about VARs. Found this one website that lists 37 states where "one party consent" is OK, and 12 other states where "all party consent" is necessary. Unfortunately both my home state and the state I'm going to are in the latter group. Darn it. Going to call anonymously to a LE department to ask anyway, just to make sure. I wonder if it would be OK if I didn't plan to use it in court, just wanted to have a record for myself.

when the estate runs out of money, then those bills do not get paid. Creditors can not go after you Nana.

I didn't know this. So even if they didn't have enough money, they couldn't go after the gift she gave us. We were named beneficiary of her account. I didn't know this meant it was outside of the estate, this is good to know.

The only reason they would want you to pay the bills with that money would be so that they don't have to be paid for by what is inside the estate that they are going to be receiving themselves.

So true. And it wouldn't surprise me, if they go that route, if they use guilt-tripping and/or intimidation to accomplish it. We think they might be planning to sell my great-grandmother's property, or possibly some of the resources on it (tree farm). They were also handed a very large inheritance from all of this. So we think they have more than enough money to pay for everything. My own inheritance was deemed "small" by the neighbor who helped Nana set up her account, in comparison to my grandparents' and father's... So hopefully they won't think it's worth it to fight me over it. If they do, it's just money. It will be a different story if they try to fight me over the photos.

They do a lot of traveling on their boat and have spent a lot of time on the road, going different places. The neighbors think that's what all the money they took was for, since Nana was still paying her own bills.

Thank you and stay safe everyone.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:56 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sullymeishadomi
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Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

((Silver))


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
cinnamongurl
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Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

(((((Silver)))))
So sorry for your loss and all you are going/have been through. You are an unbelievably strong person to endure all of this! Don't worry about feeling sad and lost and not being able to think of the good memories. Take the time to grieve, and be gentle with yourself. The fond memories will come in time. Again, so deeply sorry you're in such pain. Wishing you strength and peace!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
AgainandAgain
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Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

I'm so very sorry, Silver.

You do whatever your heart says. I had my grandmother pass a few years ago and had issues with family. I didn't attend the funeral and it destroys me

I actually spoke with a neutral family member and she allowed me an hour before the visitation to go sit with my grandmother. I sat there for an hour and cried by myself. Nothing else mattered except letting it out.

Focus on your grieving and what you want/need to do.

((((((((((Silver))))))))))


Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
nowiknow23
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Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 4th (Sunday)

Sending you continuing strength and comfort, silver. (((((hugs)))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Hi everyone,

Just writing to say that it went OK. It was very intense at some points. I saw my father and my grandmother, which was difficult. My mother was sort of pushing for it to happen. Mr Silver and Lil Silver kept me anchored. The neighbors in the valley were very supportive and many of them came up to say something kind to me. But there was also a lot of bad energy among people, mostly toward my grandparents and father, but also other strange dramas. Apparently my grandfather was there, but he didn't say a word to anyone. I didn't even know he was there until someone told me. Thank goodness, there were no confrontations.

Still feeling a lot of mixed feelings, but mostly about my family and extended family and all the issues there. Feeling a little more peace about Nana, because she left me an example of an amazing and strong woman. She's still who I want to be when I grow up, and this visit just made it even stronger. We threw a bouquet of flowers into the river. It felt like some small amount of closure to do that.

The drama will sort itself out, or it won't, but either way just going to keep a positive attitude and try to be respectful of everyone.

Hope you all are doing OK tonight. Stay strong no matter what.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
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Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I've been thinking about you. Thanks for the update.

I'm glad running into your dad et al wasn't as disastrous as it could have been.

You are so strong and your sweet boy is a perfect example of what having love and stability in one's life looks like.

Big hugs to you.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16469 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you Jrazzie. I hope we'll have another g2g so we can see you guys again. Your daughter is the cutest!

Things are going to get better. Right now I'm having a lot of nightmares and trouble sleeping and trouble eating. But we're making plans and moving one step forward at a time. Not sure what everyone wants right now. There seemed like there were agendas at the memorial among a lot of different people. Feeling a little uneasy and anxious about it. Feels like a good time to remember boundaries and emotional regulation and listening carefully and being proactive and careful and internal validation. I can do this.

It's been a little more than 3 weeks, and all the time, I wish I could give her a hug.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
nowiknow23
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Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, August 15th (Thursday)

((((silver)))) Thank you for letting us know how it went. I'm thankful you, your H, and little silver came through everything safely and were able to have your own moment of closure at the river.

The drama, agendas, and politics of other folks will be whatever they make them. Remember that you can only control your exposure to them and your reactions. Hold your boundaries.

Sending you continued strength and comfort.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Thank you, my Empress Lady NIK

Thank you everyone. All of you have helped me so much through what is a very difficult time, and I appreciate it more than I can say.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

With regards to the money, do not answer your phone if any of them call you. Like someone said, your connection to them was your Nana, now you don't have to have anything to do with them. Let them play their own games.

When my XWH used to come over here causing trouble I made a promise to my children (and myself). This (our home) is our safe haven from the whole world. There will never be any drama here again. If he were to ever come here again (besides for visitation pickup) I would simply call the police and NOT answer the door. He talks bad about me to himself and to whomever will listen,but I don't live in his world anymore.

You can be strong, too, and feel your Nana's strength being passed on to you and your children. Don't pet the drama lama -- steer clear of family members.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1982 | Registered: Jan 2012
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

Don't pet the drama lama -- steer clear of family members.

You are so right. And I think right now that's going to include the extended family and neighbors too, just because of the weird sense of agendas I got from so many folks. If they don't have an agenda, they'll understand: everything's still intense right now and we're all still healing.

Not going to pet the llama. Time to hold the boundaries (thank you NIK).


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
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Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I think it's finally really sinking in what happened. Does anyone have any advice? I'm having mind movies about Nana. Today I saw pictures of her the day before, when we were playing together down by her river, and she was wearing the same outfit, and suddenly all these images came flooding in. All of the fear came back. I wish so much I could have kept it from happening to her. I was right down the road! I wish I had been there so I could have kept her safe. I don't know how to deal with this pain. How can I ever make it up to her? It's really sinking in that she's not here. I know she'd want me to be happy and take extra special care of my son, "our boy". And I will. I wish so much that she knew how much I love her.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 9th (Monday)

(((Silver))))
She knows. Really she does. She doesn't want you thinking on the bad stuff.

Remember all the great times, and it sounds like where she passed was a place she loved to be, find peace in that.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7843 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
nowiknow23
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Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 9th (Monday)

I wish so much that she knew how much I love her.
Silver, honey - do you know how much she loves you? Do you feel that? Do you know it in your heart, even without hearing it from her?

Why would you doubt that she feels your love as well? Words aren't needed to express that, to feel that. She knows, honey. As sure as you do. ((((silver))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

I know. I just wish I had said it to her more. You can never say "I love you" too many times to the people who matter.

On the last night I saw her, we sat at her table and held hands. I was really tired because I hadn't slept the night before, and I felt bad that I wasn't being chatty enough, but I wanted to be with her, and I told her that when she offered that I could lie down on her bed. So we both just sat there, holding hands, both of us half-asleep. It was so nice.

Come to think of it, everyone says she had the greatest last day. So maybe I do need to remember that more. All the good things we did on the last day. And we were planning to have an even better next day. We were going to take her out to eat somewhere nice and take pictures (the "generations" photo we always take) and maybe play in the river again. I was going to tell her that I'd be coming back for her birthday, which is around Thanksgiving, and we hadn't done that in years.

I guess it's just the shock of what happened is setting in. But on the bright side - she was in the place she loved, and she loved her river more than anything, and she got to see us one more time, and I got to see her. She went on her terms, so there's got to be something very special about that. Something divine.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Come to think of it, everyone says she had the greatest last day. So maybe I do need to remember that more. All the good things we did on the last day. And we were planning to have an even better next day. We were going to take her out to eat somewhere nice and take pictures (the "generations" photo we always take) and maybe play in the river again.

That sounds like a great time to go, unexpected and not just having had a great time, but still having some more plans for the future.

So glad to hear that you got through all of this reasonably well (and not nearly as bad as you feared).

I don't know how to deal with this pain.

This is one of those things that I don't think time heals. Don't be frightened by that thought though. It is not so much a matter of learning to live with it, as it is accepting and embracing what it is really all about. Nothing more can hurt our loved ones, and the pain we feel is over our own loss. That loss will always be there, but in time we learn to accept that the reason we feel that loss is because we had something special. When I think back on everyone that is gone, it hurts, but only because I have happy memories that I would gladly endure the pain to keep. At least that is how I think of it. The rest is in my tagline.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)

Nothing more can hurt our loved ones, and the pain we feel is over our own loss. That loss will always be there, but in time we learn to accept that the reason we feel that loss is because we had something special. When I think back on everyone that is gone, it hurts, but only because I have happy memories that I would gladly endure the pain to keep.

Sitting here in tears. Grateful ones, because this is exactly right. Thank you aesir.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3883 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 61