SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why was I ever worried about his absence?
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Happy  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

When POS and I separated in March, I had some momentary concerns about having to take care of everything regarding the house alone after all these years. In the past two weeks I have had our faulty furnace replaced (by a pro, of course), had to relight the pilot light on the hot water heater, had to recharge batteries on the riding lawn mower and ATV, had to replace a faulty bathroom vent, and much more. Then I stopped and wondered why I was ever concerned to begin with because it dawned on me that I always did everything around here by myself anyway!! POS always said he would take care of things and never follow thru so I ended up doing it all. There is tremendous comfort in independence and knowing I don't NEED him for anything.

Time to go mow the lawn!!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:09 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

YAY!!!

Awesome post!

Liberating and empowering. I remember letting go of that fear. It was a process because there were other changes to be made too. But every step of the way, when I would stop and reflect it was this realization.

I am happy dancing for you Phoenix1!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5751 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

There is something so liberating about realizing you can handle things.

Congrats on the awareness. Thanks for sharing, you post was very uplifting.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Awwriiight!! Loving this post and I am loving the strong vibe!! It's contagious people!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2140 | Registered: Oct 2012
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Yep. To not have to deal with that whole Passive/Aggressive say you will then blow it off shit is SO NICE!

I will say that somethings are easier to do with four hands than one, but I have been pretty amazed by the stuff I have been able to do with just me, some smarts, and a few helpful tools.

Like, I moved a king sized bed, with one of those giant ultra thick, super heavy mattresses. I used a tarp on the ground, then I put a couple tie down straps around it, tied loops in the straps for hand holds, cinched the straps down, and inched the thing this way and that until it was inside and all together.

I replumbed the hot water system (I'm a caretaker at a big place that has several hot water heaters) to eliminate one of the heaters and bring hot water from a different one. Planned it all out, measured, bought the parts, cut, glued, wrenched, etc. It works just fine! I'd never done any significant plumbing before but really once I got going it wasn't that difficult.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for sharing this! Just what I needed to hear tonight.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Go Phoenix!


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Go Phoenix!


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)

So true about having to do most things because they just didn't.

Then we wonder why they wont do anything when it comes to divorce proceedings; like turn in the paperwork required. It's because we aren't there to do it for them.

Have you ever wondered if they were like this at work? I got my xh's employee review during the divorce and realized that it was exactly like that at work. Had other people doing his work for him.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Mar 2011
Emotionalhell
Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Amen.. My XH never helped out.. Always said he would but didn't. The few times I ask him to help me get ready for a family dinner he complained the whole time.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, July 29th (Monday)

And there is sooo much on youtube ladies!!

I've change the door latch on the dish washer, a hot water heater, the diverter in the tub/shower, and my headlights and wiper blades...

Roar!!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Wontdefineme, yes he was like that at work too, but of course he justified it as him simply being a master delegator (read: dumper)!

Take2, gotta love YouTube! It also helps growing up with only older brothers! They wouldn't let me drive a car until I proved to them that I could change a tire, jump start a battery, and change the oil. The big meanies!!

POS is going to miss me whether he realizes it or not because who else is going to carry all the weight? His 90 year old mother????


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)

This is my first post ever, so bear with me! But I have to chime in---reading everyone's comments has inspired me. Like you Phoenix1, I too had some concerns about handling everything; my WS basically left myself and our two boys for the OM. Same thing went through my mind ---and then I realized---hold on, you've been doing it all as a single parent for a few years now!(WS is a marathon runner, and P90X fiend)But over time, I've come to realize what a hammerblow it is to one's self-confidence by getting cheated on, esp. if you never saw it coming. It creates a state of shock really, so of course you are going to have plenty of self-doubt, until you ride it out awhile, and see that yes, you can still make it in this world nicely, if you can just believe in yourself! You don't need a her/him---you is plenty. My final D wraps up next week, and yes, I have a little apprehension, but really, I see it as my fresh start in my and my boy's lives. Thanks all! This is truly a new home for me!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Mandan66, I feel privileged to have you make your first post on my thread!!

Welcome to SI, but sorry you find yourself here. No one wants to be here, but it is a great support group!

Like you, thinking back I was really a single parent for a long time since POS worked out of the area. But with him now permanently gone, at least I know that I need to just "do it." No "talking about it," no "can you take care of it" requests (only to have to do it anyway on a delayed schedule), no getting bitched at for not waiting for him to do it or discuss with him first. If something needs to be done, I simply get it done! WooHoo!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1024 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 14