SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Struggling
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I'm struggling.

With entitlement. With minimizing. With giving a crap.

Mr918 is seriously gutted over my EA. I'm finding myself in a position where I constantly want to say, "are you freaking kidding me???"

I mean truly, if you lay out the shit he did and the shit I did...well, what I want to say is that his crap was waaaaay worse.

But the reality is, it's all shit.

My IC has been working to help me understand how for men, it's more painful to them when someone captures their woman's heart than it is if they have sex with someone else. I'm having to accept this at face value because I do not understand it. He played with my life over and over, exposed me to disease, made a mockery of our relationship.

I formed a friendship. Not one where we bitched about our spouses. Not one where we fantasized about running away together. We didn't send pictures. There was no phone sex. And I get it...lines were crossed. But sheesh...a little perspective??

I want to be allowed to say "consequences! This is what happened because of the shit you did in our marriage."

And then I was reading this quote the other day that was all empowering about how "their cheating had nothing to do with you" and it was all about "their bad choices" and I was like yeah! That's right!! Nothing to do with me. Take that!

That's when I ran into the wall about 100 miles an hour.

Because if that's true of his affairs, then the opposite is true as well.

My choices had nothing to do with him. It wasn't cause and effect. It's not consequences. It was my choice alone.

It freaking SUCKS that while my actions may have been different, it's still the same.

He moves into his new apartment in a couple weeks and we have to explain to our daughter what's going on. Always before when we were trying a separation it was "daddy made some bad choices and he has to take a time out."

And now I can't say that anymore. Now it's a mommy and daddy issue. I am so struggling with the reality of all of this. I feel so lost and guilty and relieved all at the same time. I just wish I would have gotten out of my marriage before I ever stuck my toe over the line. I hate that I still have so much personal work to do. I hate admitting I have way more wayward thinking in me than I ever thought was possible.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2012
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

I hear your pain. The dynamics of a madhatter situation can be so very difficult.

It was two weeks after d-day #1 that I confessed my infidelity to my wife. She kept telling me how horrible of a person she thought she was, and I was "just her saint". Well, turns out I wasn't. I couldn't stomach having that higher ground when I had been unfaithful as well.

My IC has been working to help me understand how for men, it's more painful to them when someone captures their woman's heart than it is if they have sex with someone else. I'm having to accept this at face value because I do not understand it. He played with my life over and over, exposed me to disease, made a mockery of our relationship.

In our case, it was quite the opposite. My wife had very little emotional attachment to the OM, but because of their trysts I ended up having to find out that my own son isn't biologically mine. Most painful thing I've ever been exposed to. I'd much rather have them be in love with each other, and have a biological connection to my boy.

On the other hand, my wife was less concerned about the physical part of my affair, and more devastated by the "friendship" that I had with her, and everything that lead up to the PA. That really jacked her up, and I can't blame her.

Keep in mind that although your IC is there to help, they are human and don't know everything. I was actually rubbed the wrong way with the male/female generalization, personally.

It's also so much harder to deal with the fallout when there is a child involved. One thing my wife and I have been in 100% alignment with, is that we make our decisions keeping our son in mind first. That's just us, though. Every situation is different.

Hang in there, and keep posting...


Posts: 6766 | Registered: Dec 2010
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Thanks Losfer.

I agree about the over generalization. I get that it cuts both ways. I do think there's some truth to it as on a whole I hear a lot more men say "it was just sex" and women who say "it was an emotional connection".

Obviously not the case for me since I didn't have a PA - it was emotional for me and the OM. I have no doubt it would have turned physical at some point if we continued our relationship. Another hard reality to face.

I can't imagine how awful it was for you to find out your son wasn't your biological child. I went through a teeny bit of this hell for two months after d day. My h's ow was desperate to get pregnant and I was sure she had been successful. It didn't help that I was pregnant at the time so very hormonal!! But it really freaked me out. I'm grateful that's not a reality I have to deal with. I'm so sorry you've had to walk that out. But it sounds like your son if very lucky to have parents who love him the way you two do.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2012
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Because if that's true of his affairs, then the opposite is true as well.

My choices had nothing to do with him. It wasn't cause and effect. It's not consequences. It was my choice alone.

Ding ding ding. Just actually posted about this. Yep. The good thing about universal truths is they're universal. The bitch about universal truths is they're, well, universal.

People can do horrible shit to others because they've been hurt, traumatized, decimated. I honestly don't care about that and think it can be deserved, hell, even begged for some of the time.

Here's the deal. It's what happens to US when we do them. It changes people. Yes, the trauma changes us but doesn't always imprint us. Sadly, many of us do that all on our own. We allow another's horrific choices to become the reason. It's called reason the same bullshit way affairs are called mistakes. We legitimize our choices with that glorious word..."reason". He/she did xyz. They did it purposefully. They said they loved me but did this travesty while they smiled in my face, lied to me about my life and fucked me over in every possible way.

Thing is...look what they did to themselves in the process. Look what their choices did to themselves, or maybe the mask finally fell off and you're now just meeting who you married in the first place. Doesn't matter. They still haven succeeded. Not yet. Not until you use that same bullshit tactic to start to enable yourself to view your responses using "reason". Then, and only then, has the imprinting begun.

918, get the horrible husband. What about you? Did you want to become a person that just dismissed an entire human being...you know, other than yourself? His wife didn't do a fucking thing to you but hope "you" didn't exist and would ignore the fact she did if you wanted to mosey across the line and use her husband to make you feel better.

Spoiler alert. You could have done that sans his help completely. By evicting your husband, healing yourself able to look in the rear view mirror and smile rather than cringe.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Thanks, 918.

Not sure if I worded the whole "when there's a child involved" thing correctly. I was actually empathizing with you struggling to figure out what to tell your daughter. That's so rough.

Kids sure add a different dynamic to the choices we make when put in this type of situation.


Posts: 6766 | Registered: Dec 2010
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, July 29th (Monday)

What about you? Did you want to become a person that just dismissed an entire human being...you know, other than yourself? His wife didn't do a fucking thing to you but hope "you" didn't exist and would ignore the fact she did if you wanted to mosey across the line and use her husband to make you feel better.

Oh UO...damnit if you didn't pull me out of the last bit of fantasyland I might have been living in!!

You are right. So freaking right. Things got ugly in therapy this week. I had to do a LOT of self reflection and digging. I told my therapist I didn't want to be there because now it was getting to the stuff I didn't want to deal with.

I don't want to deal with "my shit" because I don't want to be the one with shit..kwim? I ended up staying for an extra hour...and really digging. Gah. I hate this!!!

Losfer...I knew what you meant. It sucks all the way around. We have two kids but the baby is too young to know any different so it will just be explaining it to our daughter. I tried staying for my kids' sake. Couldn't do it. However, ripping their family apart isn't feeling much better. I think I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself all the way around. Guess I will have to dig into that bit next!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2012
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Cool. I'm glad you knew what I meant.

I can relate to the difficulty of treading some tough waters in therapy as well. My biggest struggle/challenge was dealing with toxic shame.

Sounds like you are making some good progress.

I'm very thankful that you didn't end up in an OC situation, by the way. Sounds like it was a close call.

Have you thought about posting in the madhatters thread? I need to spend more time there as well.

Take care.


Posts: 6766 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 7