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Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

After some discussion and me pointing out the schedule of the week, MrH decided to go pick his father up on Monday instead of Saturday. FIL also has to be back by next Saturday for some Festival. Poppy Seed of Cow Pie or something.

So instead yesterday to next Sunday (which MrH was claiming wasn't a full week) it's Monday to Friday. I can live with that. We have events planned still and I figure ill just keep going on with my planned life, FIL can join in or not.

My IC and I worked through coping strategies, but overall even though I don't think FIL has changed from the emotionally abusive person he has been, I also know he won't say anything around the kids. MrH will talk back to him so I'm the only one that is likely to get comments. So I'll stick around the kids because if he says anything, my 13yo DS will be a witness to MrH and my 8yo DD will probably rip his head off for being mean to mommy. Like my IC and I discussed though, I could always tell him he doesn't have permission to talk to me like that, judge me or generally disrespect me. Now it's just for me to go against the grain and do that if anything is said.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

(((Holly-Isis)))

Enforcing personal boundaries is a skill I continue to work on with my parents. It's not easy and it takes practice but it sounds like you are armed and ready!

That sounds like a stressful week but I'm glad you and MrH worked out a strategy that makes it more manageable.

Good luck.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37382 | Registered: Sep 2007
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Thanks AN. I'm already falling down the rabbit hole. I keep calculating how many hours until they're here (MrH and DS are driving down to pick him up). I keep seeing things I need to do for the house...I'm a rotten housekeeper.

I'm freaking out.

Then I tell myself this is obviously signs of emotional abuse. I'm validated just by my triggers actions, right?

Doesn't stop me from trying to clean everything. I'm overwhelmed. This is a too-big-for-us house and I get very little help with basic upkeep. I keep seeing things like baseboards that needs to be washed and a pantry that needs to be reorganized...it's never ending. I have to make myself stop at some point to go to my Hope & Healing wives group tonight. I'm going to NEED that to face the rest of the week.

I'm so anxious and stressed.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Then I tell myself this is obviously signs of emotional abuse. I'm validated just by my triggers actions, right?
Yes.

Take a breath. You can get through this. I'm glad you're going to your group tonight.

Also, think about the worst that can happen? So you house will be a little dirty, you're not a perfect housekeeper. Who cares?

If it gets too rough just remember,

Like my IC and I discussed though, I could always tell him he doesn't have permission to talk to me like that, judge me or generally disrespect me. Now it's just for me to go against the grain and do that if anything is said.
It's your home and you do not have to tolerate abuse, especially in your own home.

Sending you positive thoughts.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37382 | Registered: Sep 2007
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I've no real advice for you, but I'll keep sending out good wishes and prayers for you this week.

(((holyisis)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3059 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 29th (Monday)

(((Holly-Isis)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My FIL has been verbally and physically abusive to many members of his family. Our interactions with him have caused a lot of stress, anxiety, and turmoil in our household.

I think it's a good idea not to leave him alone with the kids. Your 8 yo DD sounds like a sweetheart, and very protective of mom.

I think AN nailed in on the head with sticking to personal boundaries.

Hang in there... I'll be thinking of you.


Posts: 6760 | Registered: Dec 2010
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, July 29th (Monday)

(((Holly-Isis)))


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. I made myself stop cleaning. I went to meet with the ladies. We're doing a boundaries study, last night was the first night.

I ended up crying as we discussed some of the questions because of dealing with MrH as I get healthier and see more issues. By the time I got home, FIL was low on the radar. We'll see how the next few days go.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

(((((((Holly-Isis)))))))

I hope this week goes by quickly for you.

I'm sending you good thoughts/prayers/mojo to get through it.


Posts: 3356 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Another update:

I'm literally laughing to myself through this visit. I'm listening to MrH try to talk to his dad every time we're in the car, trying to engage him while FIL doesn't respond.

I know how it feels MrH, you do this to me.

I'm listening to his dad lecture on any topic, like he knows it all.

Yup, look in the mirror MrH.

MrH got upset because his dad decided he was wrong then ended the conversation, even when MrH tried the cues our MC gave him to use when we talked.

Yes, you control conversations too. You push until your point is made and end it when I refuse to agree with you
.

Like father, like son. And MrH is on edge from this...I will be bringing this up in MC.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Silver linings, eh?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, eh?

Sending you continuing strength, Holly. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25062 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 12