SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Overreaction?
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

On Sunday evenings, 3 families from church get together (for the past 2 years), have a quick spiritual lesson, a treat, then chat. Tonight, my WS told a lengthy but humorous story about his AP. No one in the group, which included our children, knew who he was talking about, but I did. He was SO incredibly animated while telling the story and he had everyone laughing. Except me. I was fine, though, until he talked about her children and her position as a "rising star" in her company--a company he works with sometimes (which is how they met).

I quietly got up, got my stuff, put it in our car, and walked home. He's home now, but we've said nothing to each other. I know that he doesn't get how hurtful it was to me. The whole time, I just wanted to scream, "Rising star or not, she's a ________ (insert your favorite slur for your WS's mistress)!"

Why would he do that? Is he really that clueless? Did he do it intentionally? Does he still love her? Will he ever be over her? Am I over-reacting? Is it wrong to ask him to never bring that story up around me again? Or anything alluding to his time with her?

Please help! I'm shaking because I know there will be a confrontation, and I'm not emotionally ready/prepared for it.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 9:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

BTW, here's my story:

FBW: 48
FWH: 45
M: 22 yrs
TT: Nov 12-Jan 13
DD: 19
DD: 17
DS: 15
DS: 13


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

You are not overreacting. That was very insensitive.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thanks! I wondered if I was being a hysterical female. Sometimes, this situation makes me feel like I am. Usually, drama is not my style, but this whole mess has thrown me so far off my ability to judge the rightness or the wrongness of a situation. :(


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

you know, he was a jerk for doing that. he just was. i mean....for him to be telling ANY story about his ap to you or anyone else....is just foul. you are NOT overreating...at all. i think you need to tell him how you feel. i really do.

it is so very insensitive for him to do that!!!


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 975 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

No one there KNEW it was a story about the OW (no one knows he's a WS). So part of him must've thought it was OK. And he didn't intentionally start talking about her. He was talking about a particular trip and one part of the story led to a question about the part that included her. I could handle all that--as much as I'll tell him he needs to not talk about the lead-up part around me again so the inevitable part 2 doesn't happen--but I couldn't handle the compliments. She's a skank. It was his first affair after 21 years of marriage; it was at least her second after only 5 or 6 years. When my WS and I married, she was 10. Disgusting.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

*jaw drop*

I would have been livid. That is more that just insensitive.

Wow, just...wow. are you sure you're in true R?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

No, actually, I'm not sure. He's going through some of the motions, but I don't sense a lot of remorse. She dropped him, so I wonder, sometimes, if he's just working on things with me until someone better comes along again. Maybe all BSes feel that way. I dunno. Of course, after 20+ years, I love him and am willing to forgive and try to forget (let's be real, though--like that last part'll ever happen). One of my requests--in MC--was for him to NEVER bring her up again. If we were to talk about her, only I could bring her up. He generally has a good memory, so . . .


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

Thanks! I wondered if I was being a hysterical female.

No, it was a jerk move. He sounds more than a little narcissistic. Sorry this happened to you.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 28th (Sunday)

You are not overreacting.

His story did not have to include her. Was he on the witness stand in court? No, he was at a CHURCH related event, choosing the story HIMSELF. He knew you would not say anything. He knew he could go on and on and on.

And your asked him in mc never to bring her up?

I think your reaction was classy and controlled. There's nothing wrong with YOUR ability to judge the rightness of a situation.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Thanks, y'all. You gave me the courage to confront him about it. It went better than I expected and I was more calm than he probably expected.

Truthfully and unfortunately, he IS a narcissist. Problem is, I made my peace with that a long time ago. I can handle that my WS has character flaws; I can't handle being reminded of the grossest mistake he's ever made.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I would have fed him his intestines.

Raw.

What was is justification for doing something so horrifically damaging to your recovery?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 5:20 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Ripped Soul,

Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines. There is no OP namecalling in this forum.

Thanks.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37994 | Registered: Sep 2007
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Whether anyone else knew who he was talking about isn't the point. YOU knew..his wife..you knew. It was incredibly insensitive of him..no..sri is right..it was flat out mean.

Im so sorry.


(((((RippedSoul)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
CrappyLife
Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 29th (Monday)

That was very insensitive of him. Delusional. I dont think he gets the magnitude of his actions and choices and the way it has affected you. You D-Day seems at least 9-10 months ago. If he still is speaking in these terms about the AP, he still has his head up his ass.

I remember our first and only MC session (a mont after D-Day) where WW introduced AP2 as smart, intelligent, blah blah.. and I was so stunned and looking at her. I was so pissed that I did not talk to her as you are doing. She did not understand it and we ended up not talking about it. A few days later when I told her that she described AP2 in such a way, she did not even remember saying that. Classic WS fog.

You WH needs to do a lot more for you to R. In fact a lot more so that you dont kick his ass out of the door.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Sorry, moderator. :(

He didn't justify it. I explained why it hurt me and told him it made me want to tell everyone what I call her instead of "rising star." He said it made sense and he wouldn't do it again.

He does NOT get the magnitude of his actions because he's not truly remorseful. He's sorry that he hurt me, but he's not sorry that he had the affair. He said, last night, that that was a good time for him. ?????

So, no, he's not completely intent on reconciliation, I don't think. It's very complicated. He says he loves me, and, in his way, he probably does. But . . .


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 29th (Monday)

he needs to have his behind kicked so far up between his shoulder blades he has to open his mouth to sh..

oh wait. he already does that.

I am so sorry you experienced this. This man deserves to have the soles of his feet burned off for stepping into a church and saying such things.

f
t
g

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 29th (Monday)

btw, exposure of the affair is one of the fastest ways to get Wayward person out of the fog.

If you have the capacity to handle the fallout, expose him at your church.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 9:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 29th (Monday)

What does

f
t
g

mean?

He wasn't actually in the church; he was in the house of friends from church. Not a huge distinction, but a church IS more sacred.

During the affair, he came out to me as an "atheist," and only attends church with me for our children's sake. So exposing him there wouldn't change him and would only hurt them. I don't want our sons to grow up knowing their father is an SA who cheated on me with another woman, a prostitute and two hookers. What a burden for them!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 29th (Monday)

He said, last night, that that was a good time for him.

Gently, it takes 2 to R, and you can't R with an unremorseful WS.

Is he in IC? Seriously, if my W had said either of those things to me, I'd have kicked her out. ow is a serial cheater, but he thinks she's hot stuff and his A was a good time? He'd be a lousy partner to a snake.

Are you in IC? (If not, why not?) What's holding you in this M? You deserve much better treatment from your H, but you probably won't get it unless you change.

I encourage you to read the Healing Library, especially FAQ 11, about 'the 180', which is a set of behaviors that help you live with a WS who isn't remorseful.

Have you outed ow to her H? If not, it's a good idea.

Has your H been tested for STDs? If not, stop having sex with him until he gets tested and you get the results. (We thought there was no risk, but my W now tests positive for HPV, and she probably got it from ow. She was never tested for HPV before the A, so we don't know for sure when she picked it up, but we'd been monogamous for over 40 years before that.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)

He meets with a psych for depression/anxiety meds, but that's not the same as IC. Right now, he's being weaned off Wellbutrin, the companion to his Zoloft, because the psych thinks the most important thing for his SA is to decrease his libido. Of course, that doesn't help the flattening of his depression and his generally "meh" outlook on life.

An IC would be 45 minutes away from us because that's where the SA ICs are located. He's willing but it's just too far away to make it happen. He wants to have the IC in town with someone less specialized but who is actually reasonable to contact. I get that.

I think the A was "good" for him because he liked the feeling of being in that fantasy. I think he liked the twitterpation. I worry that he'll seek it out again although he says he realizes now that it was a fantasy. That took awhile.

She has been outed, both times, to her husband. After her first A, she was excommunicated from her church. After her second, well, they're still together and I just saw a FB photo (yes, I stalk) of them happily smiling for the camera.

We've both been tested, now, for STDs. We're both clean. He didn't use protection with her OR with the prostitute. He was in complete freefall then, emotionally, because the OW had dropped him!!! So he went off the deep end. I'm not justifying. I think I'm still in shock somewhat that he would endanger me so much.

I really want to save my marriage. There's a good man in there that I'd like to keep. But it's looking more and more like he's not going where I'm going. It feels primarily one-sided. The glimpses of goodness he gives me are what keeps me hoping.

I do go to IC. My therapist doesn't much like him. She's good for me, though. I DO listen to her. She's a godsend, actually, because she's charged me nothing all year long. We changed insurances and she's no longer covered under our new policy, but when all this came out back in Oct/Nov, she said she--as a medical professional--couldn't let me deal with it on my own. So I have that going for me. It makes me feel guilty, but it makes me feel grateful, too.

I'll re-read the 180 stuff. Not sure how to make it work. Afraid to try it. :(


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 29th (Monday)

No, actually, I'm not sure. He's going through some of the motions, but I don't sense a lot of remorse.

This is telling, and TBH, based on your story, I got the feeling that you are not working with a truly remorseful WH. :( I know that sucks to read, but everyone together now: you can't control his actions, behaviors, or thought patterns. If he wants to be an unremorseful jerk, that's what he's going to be. And really.... it's his loss.

She dropped him, so I wonder, sometimes, if he's just working on things with me until someone better comes along again. Maybe all BSes feel that way. I dunno.

You shouldn't feel that way. And guess whose job it is to make sure you don't feel that way, if he wants to bring this M back to life after he murdered it? Your WH's.

One of my requests--in MC--was for him to NEVER bring her up again. If we were to talk about her, only I could bring her up. He generally has a good memory, so . . .

Again, this is very telling. What do his actions here tell you? You brought this up specifically in MC, where we can be fairly certain the MC made sure he got it.

Then he got a chance to tell the story, and weighed your feelings against the external validation to be gotten for everyone enjoying this story at your expense, and he chose the external validation over your feelings. Not okay.

You are absolutely not overreacting. I second (third? fifth?) the recommendations to implement the 180.


I'll re-read the 180 stuff. Not sure how to make it work. Afraid to try it. :(

What are you afraid of?

(((((hugs)))))

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 3:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I'm so, so, so afraid of being alone. I fear that I'll never dare love again. I know that--even if I end up hating him over all this--I'll never stop loving him. It's just who I am. And I'd never let another man touch me. That'd be adulterous. And even if I could get past that huge hurdle, I don't believe I could ever trust another man. This one SOOOO fooled me.

Plus, I don't want my children to embark on this next step of their lives without two parents. I don't want to raise them alone. And if we divorce, no way could I afford to stay in the same place we live now. Our children would never see their dad and that would devastate them. He's not going to win a "Dad of the Year" award anytime soon, but he's a decent dad and they'd miss out on a lot if he wasn't living with them.

Plus, he may not realize it, but divorce would financially devastate us both. I may be poor then (although we've been married a long time and he'd owe me lots of alimony and child support) but he'd be destitute. We can barely make it now.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 23