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User Topic: She knows
Unforgivable
New Member
Member # 40103
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 29th (Monday)

My BS sent me an email. She knows. All she wrote was: We can talk when I get home. She hasn't written anything else or answered my calls. She is away on business and gets back on Wednesday. Omg, I am terrified of her getting home.

The email BS sent was a forward from OW#2. I have been married for 5 years (my second) and have being having an affair with OW#2 for 5 months. She knew I was married.

My wife has discovered my affair with OW#2, compromising photos and emails. OW#2 was pissed off when she found out about MOW#1. She is my colleague. This is just sex. Has been going on for 2 years. How can OW#2 feel betrayed by OW#1? We were screwing around on my wife so what the hell is her complaint? She did this to get back at me or to hurt my BS.

When I think of it now, I don't love either of the OW. I can't believe what I have done. I just want time to stand still.

What do I tell my wife when she gets home. We have no children and I don't want to lose her. There have been ONS too. I used an Internet site to hook up with 4 women over the last 2 years.

My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her! She does travel but I don't think she has ever even thought of another man. She is loving and faithful and I have been an arsehole!!!

Do I tell her? Everything? If I do she will leave me.

What a mess. Please help me!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Yes, tell her everything. She may leave you, she may not...but really, that's her decision. You don't get to make it for her, so let go of that outcome.

Sounds like you have a lot of digging to do. If your wife is the most fantastic woman ever, why are you cheating on her with 6 (if I counted right) OW?

Get it over with and tell everything. Lying and minimizing will kill whatever is left of your marriage as surely as the affairs. If you love her, do the right thing.

The waywards here are wise people. If you're willing to take a hard look at yourself and your shit, they will help you. Welcome.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2012
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 29th (Monday)

You have found the best place here, there is an amazing group of people here that will help keep you on the right path, if you are willing to do the work, i would recomend reading the healing library if havent already, it is in the yellow box on the top left, that being said here goes...

You must be completely honest with your wife, nothing else will even come close to working. You must expose everything, the longer you drag this out (trickle truth)the more you are going to hurt her, the less likely your going to be able to save your marriage. This isn't about you anymore this about helping her.

Have you consider yet that you may be a sex addict? I would make an appointment to see a individual councillor, and start digging at yourself to see why you have allowed yourself to make these choices.

This is a long and hard journey friend, so do the work and fix yourself, not for her, but for a better you.

Fix yourself and the rest will follow.

Good luck, and don't give up. There is always a chance as long as your completely honest.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Welcome, I am sure that you have a lot going on in your mind right now. I would invite you to read in the Healing Library as well as other posts here in Wayward. I agree that telling the truth and the full truth will be the best. Unfortunately it doesn't guarantee that your wife will stay. However when a BS has to confront new info time and time again their trust continues to plummet and they are more likely to run.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them-Vicky Baum


Posts: 49767 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 29th (Monday)

if your wife is the most fantastic woman ever, why are you cheating on her with 6 (if I counted right) OW?

Prolly because his cheating wasn't about her, it was about him.

Unforgivable,
now is the time for truth, now is when you be the MAN you promised her. The damage is already done, what's left is holding yourself accountable for it.

Are you man enough to hold your own feet to the fire?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Very gently, you state that OW told to get back at you or to hurt your wife. What your wife will want to know is why you were not faithful. That's what I'd examine, rather than OW motives. Those you already know devalue your wife.

Really, that the OW told your wife was a gift. Living a lie is a terrible way to live.

Now you can knock down the barriers to emotional intimacy that secrets and lies build and--if your wife agrees to R-- work on having a genuine marriage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:28 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7968 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Unforgivable
New Member
Member # 40103
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I know my wife did nothing to deserve this mess I have created. She is an amazing woman even if I cheated with 6 different people. I can't believe what I have done and how hurt she must be right now.

OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense.

I am afraid to tell my BS the full truth. It scares me to death that she will leave me.

Thank you for the responses- will check out the library.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I am afraid to tell my BS the full truth. It scares me to death that she will leave me.

do you think that she deserves to make that choice based on the whole truth. How do you think you will feel knowing that she chose to stay based on lies?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 29th (Monday)

No stop sign, so I hope that it is OK if I ,a BW, post.

I think one of the most important things for you to read is this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

"Things that every WS needs to know"


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1107 | Registered: Dec 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 29th (Monday)

OW#2 hurts my wife.
No, Unforgivable, you hurt your wife.

Kind of the same scenario on how I found out about my FWH was cheating. The OW told me.

FWH was very angry at OW for hurting me, but the truth is, he is the one who hurt me. FWH thought "What I don't know won't hurt me!" and I am imagining that was/is your attitude, too.

Accept full responsibility for what you did. Accept the full responsibility that you are the one that hurt your BW.

I know you are scared, but the best thing you can do now is be completely honest with your BW. Don't minimize, don't leave things out. Full disclosure.

Yes, definitely read "Things Every WS needs to know...." it was one of the best things that my FWH read and put into action that helped me as a BW.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Really, that the OW told your wife was a gift. Living a lie is a terrible way to live.

Start here.

And until your actions regarding "My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her!" match your words, you are (imho) in a special state of self-centered, delusional, and grandiose limbo...with the guy staring back at you in the mirror as the beginning, middle, and end of every single problem and outcome your life is about to experience.

Lots of great stuff here for you if you feel like sticking around, getting real, and deciding who it is you want staring back at you in the mirror first thing every morning. It ain't fun, and it ain't pretty. And I haven't read about any shortcuts, either.

Welcome to the clubhouse.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 29th (Monday)

As a BS who desperately wanted the whole truth and never quite got it, I can tell you that it was the continued dishonesty that pulled the trigger. I'm not saying we WOULD have reconciled if he had been totally honest from the get-go (I don't have a crystal ball and can only Monday morning quarterback the "what its"), but I can tell you that nearly a year and a half of slow torture did me in.

Please, be totally honest with yourself, and then go be totally honest with your wife. You both deserve it.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)

OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense. Just like you're stunned someone that agreed to be complicit with you hurting you're wife then...hurt your wife. That makes no sense either. Which, in this cluster fuck, makes perfect sense as well.

Recap. No one is fucking thinking about your wife here.

You're terrified she'll leave you? Why? What did you honestly think was going to happen? Now THAT actually makes no sense.

You knew with each choice you made exactly what you were doing. Exactly. Affairs end marriages. They were designed to end marriages.

Why did you feel it was ok to make these choices?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Write down everything about all of your affairs. Get every fact, every method of contact, every website log in name/password, every secret email log in/password, make sure your cell phone is unlocked....

and be ready to hand it all over to your wife.

Give her the 100% truth NOW. Don't do it in doses. Don't withold anything to "protect" her. That only hurts more. She WILL find out if you lie to her.

It's like a band aid, Unforgivable, you have to RIP that off.

You have lied to her for a long time. Give her the gift of the truth, and she might give you the gift of Reconciliation.

Lies at this point will only kill what's left of your marriage, and of her heart.

How did your first marriage end? Were you unfaithful to your first wife?

WHY were you unfaithful?
Get your self into counseling.

You cannot control the outcome, here. Your wife has the right to decide if she wants to continue the marriage. You have to face the consequences of your actions.

Be truthful. Be honest.
Show remorse, but only if you truly feel it. Faked remorse hurts, too.


Posts: 3100 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I am a BW and just over 7 weeks in from d-day and I will tell you that trickle truth (for example, "It was only 2 times" *weeks later* "well, it was 4 or 5 times...") kind of crap is 100% no doubt about it the reason I am currently losing my mind and considering NOT reconciling. His actions SINCE d-day have caused as much if not MORE pain than the A itself.

Be honest, be 100% honest, be forthcoming, volunteer the information, DO NOT SUGAR COAT ANYTHING thinking it will help, it will only hurt. Please beleive me. And good luck to you both, you've just got on the longest and hardest and most painful road of your life.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 11:04 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Full disclosure. Betrayed husband here. If you would like to know what your wife(My wife is the most fantastic woman. I love her! ) needs to know to help her process this. Please refer to http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp And read it a few times.

Hope it helps


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 29th (Monday)

Everyone is giving you great advice. Of course you have to tell her the truth. I would be ready to hand over a timeline and passwords when she returns. Once she reads the timeline she will want to ask you many questions in the weeks and possibly months to come.

This is a trauma.

I would also show her the books you are reading: How to Heal your Spouse Heal from Your Affair would be one and the number of the therapist you will be seeing.

This is a blessing that your wife found out and altho this might be a deal breaker for her even if she leaves you, please do the work on yourself to figure out why you have been choosing this behavior.

Finally, you may want to direct your wife to SI. She is going to need support, a safe place to vent and learn from.

Good luck.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I agree with what everyone is saying here about telling everything to your wife. You can't control how she is going to react. You can't have any expectation of the outcome. But at least you will be truthful, finally.

One of the first questions your wife is going to ask you is: "Why?". This also happens to be one of the most important questions that we continually have to ask ourselves as we dig deep and try to figure out why we were willing to destroy our spouses, and destroy ourselves over something so meaningless as "This is just sex.", as you put it.

Hang in there, speak the truth, and be prepared for a long ride. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and joining this web site was a good first step.


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 29th (Monday)

No stop sign...BS here.
OW #2 knew I was married. What does not make sense was she was ok cheating on my wife, but when OW#1 was discovered, OW#2 hurts my wife. Makes no sense
.
It gives you an insight into the brokenness, doesn't it?
Please tell the whole truth from the beginning- don't trickle it out (TT) or make your wife beg it out of you.
And start working on a timeline so it will be in front of you during your discussions. My WH eventually did that (in an essay form that included his thoughts) and it was horrifying to both of us but things became real then. At least we were on the path together.
Good luck.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 11:28 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I have to chime in as a BW also...

We separated for 10 months after I discovered OW#4 (who I thought was #2). At 7 months out, we started dating again. At 9 months out, he was spending the occassional night with me again. I asked him point-blank if there were others. He looked me in the eyes and said "Absolutely Not".

So, how surprised do you think I was when I found out 2 months after he moved home that there were actually 2 more? AND THEN to find out 3 months after that that he was also "in lurve" with one of those 2, not just a ONS as he had said before?

Trickle truth, lying, withholding the truth to save the BS from more hurt. It's all the same. It all destroys the possibility of having a true marriage.

Tell her everything. Write out the timeline as already suggested. Be prepared to eat lots of humble pie. It's time to start caring about her feelings by giving her the truth up front. She deserves to have full disclosure so she can make an informed decision about how she wants to proceed.

She will be devastated. No doubt. Afterwards, she may kick you out. She may want to save the marriage. But no matter what happens, she deserves the truth.

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 29th (Monday)

The only thing you have left to offer her is truth.

Its the only way to save your marriage now, if she can forgive you.

My h would not give me the truth. I had to learn it in slow, small bits.

Its killed us. I'm so uninterested in him now. We might've made it a better m, if he had manned up.

Give her the truth.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 29th (Monday)

oh, and get rid of ALL OW.

Completely. No further contact.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You need to tell her everything. And I mean everything. Don't hide anything for any reason, it only makes things worse.

Of course you are going to be terrified of her coming home now, she knows that you cheated. Of course she doesn't know the details, and for all you know she is going to want all details about all affairs.

My husband wanted all details about my A. Even though it was really hard for me to tell him and really hard for him to hear, I told him anyway. Every single detail about every interaction with my AP.

I agree with kiki1, you need to forget about the OW. All of them. You cannot ever contact them again if you want your marriage to work.

It was the worst day of my life when my husband found out about my A. And I found out at a later date that my husband had all intents on leaving me on our D-Day. He was going to divorce me and that would be that. But that day, of course there were a tonne of emotions going through both of us. After talking and talking and more talking, we have worked on things. I still have a lot of work to do on myself in order to be better for my family and myself. But we are getting better. We are working on our marriage and I hate that this is now a part of our life, but it is now and we have to work through it.

I guess the only real advice I can give you is just be honest with your wife. She is going to want to know everything and you need to tell her. You can't hide anything from her.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Unforgivable
New Member
Member # 40103
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I guess I have no choice but to tell her the whole truth. It scares the hell out of me. I sit here waiting and terrified. I can think about nothing else. Mostly for the consequences.

I don't want to see OW#2. Ever! She just contacted me and I have nothing to say to her. I work with OW#1. That is harder because I will see her about once a month, otherwise I don't have to contact her. Do I warn her about OW#2? It won't surprise me if OW#2 contacts her husband.
Everything is going to blow up thanks to that crazy bitch no.2.
Yes, I know it is a good thing that the truth is finally out, but I am hurting like hell and I am so confused with what is going to happen. It feels as if I am walking in a minefield and I just want to curl up and die.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Everything is going to blow up thanks to that crazy bitch no.2.

So if OW #2 didn't blow things up, what would you do? Happily continue having affairs?

Everything is going to blow up because of what you have done. You were the one that planted all of those mines in that field. They were bound to blow up and gravely hurt your wife, regardless of what triggered them to set off.

You've gotta own this if you want any chance for your marriage. You've gotta own this if you want any chance to fix yourself.

I'm glad you are sticking around and posting. You are getting some good advice here.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 2:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Do not warn OW#1; you need to distance yourself from these women, entirely. Anything you do for either of them will look like you are protecting them to your wife. And she will find out; we all do eventually. These women DO NOT MATTER. Only your wife's feelings matter. OW#1 is also married; surely she understands the consequences of her behavior and how it will affect her marriage.

My husband tried to protect his "girlfriend" too. Don't make that mistake!!!


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I guess I have no choice but to tell her the whole truth. It scares the hell out of me. I sit here waiting and terrified. I can think about nothing else. Mostly for the consequences.

Actions have consequences, time to learn that.

I'm only really going to address one thing- tell the truth, the whole truth. Do not try to pull punches. Do not try to soften the blow. Do not try to make it better by minimizing. Own what happened. Tell your BW everything. It's your only chance to save anything.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1957 | Registered: Sep 2011
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, July 29th (Monday)

What do you want to do? Do you want to remain in your M? If so, figure why you did everything you could to destroy it. That digging will help you become a safe person for your W again.


I guess I have no choice but to tell her the whole truth. It scares the hell out of me. I sit here waiting and terrified. I can think about nothing else. Mostly for the consequences.

Take it from someone who did not tell the truth when I had the chance, tell her everything, and all at once. WIll she leave? No one knows, but if you think you love her, then show her with your actions.

Start acting proactively now. If you want to save your M, then get to work. Actions, not words.

Change email addresses, change cell number, get rid of social media, give your W access to everything, do it without her asking for it.

I work with OW#1.

Find a new job. No contact is critical.

Do I warn her about OW#2? It won't surprise me if OW#2 contacts her husband.

No, forget about OW 1, she is under the bus as far as you are concerned.

Everything is going to blow up thanks to that crazy bitch no.2.

Nope, own your shit. YOU did this.

""Yes, I know it is a good thing that the truth is finally out, but I am hurting like hell and I am so confused with what is going to happen. It feels as if I am walking in a minefield and I just want to curl up and die.""

start to think about how your wife is feeling. Empathy will go a long way right now.

Good luck, stay on here and you will get the help you need.

ETA: hit post reply too soon.

[This message edited by badchoice at 3:44 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated


Posts: 600 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
callmecrazy
Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I suggest the following:
1. Do not leave out even the smallest of details...every ONS whens and wheres...then if she asks more TELL THE TRUTH and OWN WHAT YOU DID (those are the 2 biggest things)Dont blame anyone else. You did this, I dont care who exposed it who found it out who told...you did it. This will help her and you in your own healing.

2. Go to counseling if you are being serious about saving the M. YOU need to figure out what's going on within you that you have done such destructive things, like I said above, your own healing.

3. Read up on how a BS feels to try and understand what she will be going through as a result of your actions. Many times a BS feels the WS has no clue what type of hurt was caused "After the Affair" is an easy read and I felt it did a decent job addressing feelings of both parties.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I didn't see anyone add: if you are secretly looking at pornography, tell her. Tell her about any chats, webcans, phonesex, etc. Now that she knows you are cheating with real live people, she will also consider any virtual, or otherwise cheating as real cheating.

Show her all the bills related to these activities. Do not delete or close those accounts until she has had a chance to see everything for herself, or she will think you are hiding things from her.

Do not delete any texts, photos, or anything until she has had a chance to see them for herself, or she will believe you are still trying to hide things from her. If you delete anything, she will know you are trying to protect yourself, not her, and that you have something to hide...the mind movies for her can be worse than the reality. Give her the opportunity to decide for herself what she wants to know and to see.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Also make sure you don't "clean up" any evidence.

My husband deleted his emails and email account when he thought he finally got rid of OW.

Later he learned how much it would have helped him to prove his "story" by letting me read the emails. Now there is no evidence and I have no way of knowing what the truths were and what he was thinking.

It's sort of counter intuitive but many BS's need to know the details in order to get thru the whole process. And we simply can't trust the person who just betrayed and deceived us so badly. We need evidence to build trust and confidence that we are being told the whole truth.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:44 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 cheated after 32 years of M with CL moneygrubbing whore
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)

there's no stop sign, so i'm offering my opinion.

personally, i can't believe you're worried about losing her. you've only been married 5 years and you've cheated on her twice?

that doesn't sound like love to me. that sounds like you have to have a woman around to make you feel good.

and i can't believe you're trying to blame OW2 for outing you. i mean, don't you think you're to blame for this? unbelievable amount of blame shifting here.

finally, i can't imagine that if your marriage survives this that you won't be banging another one in less than a year.

be honest, you can, this is anonymous. aren't you going to continue cheating?


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unforgivable
New Member
Member # 40103
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

@mike7.
Honestly: I have no doubt in my mind that I love my wife. If you knew the type of person she is, you would believe me when I say this. She is an absolute Godsend. Perfect in so many ways. She is loving, kind, attractive, successful and has given me a perfect home. I can't believe that someone like her would have picked someone like me.

There is no timeframe that makes it ok to cheat. I know this. Would it have been better to have 2 OW if I was married for 15 years? Or 1 OW in the 5 years? It's not ok!!

I don't want to cheat again. If my BS wants to R, if she can forgive me, I will never cheat on her. I realise now what it is that I stand to lose and I can't believe what I have gone and deliberately destroyed.

Why did I cheat in the first place? Because I am an arsehole and I could. I disrespected the woman I love and didnt care. Except about myself.

I am so sorry and yes, I have cut off all contact with OW 1&2.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Unforgivable,

It's easy to call yourself an arsehole and admit you disrespected your wife. But you also disrespected yourself. What will you do if your BW decides this is a dealbreaker?

Will you continue to do the work?


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4457 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Mike7,

You have a PM

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:37 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34792 | Registered: Sep 2007
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

"This was just sex"-No,it's never just sex.It's lying,cheating,disrespecting and degrading to your wife,and generally showing no care or shame about what you did as long as you never got caught.OW 2 has done your wife a huge favour by telling her.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I agree with the advice given by everyone else, so I won't repeat point by point.

I only want to add...go back and reread your posts. While you do talk much about the virtues of your wife, she's sort of missing from this picture. A lot of what you say is along the lines of this:


I guess I have no choice but to tell her the whole truth. It scares the hell out of me. I sit here waiting and terrified. I can think about nothing else. Mostly for the consequences.

I completely understand that you are afraid, that is normal; but you make no mention of her at all, her fears, her hurts, her worries, her reactions, her feelings at all. The A's were all about you, now it's time to set yourself aside and for this to be all about her.

Do absolutely everything suggested. Read the thread What Every WS Needs to Know, read Joseph's Letter in the Healing Library...read the ENTIRE Healing Library. Download and read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Guide for the Unfaithful (it's a quick read, I read it in under 5 hours). Then figure out what you're going to DO, for her. If you stay in Disaster Recovery mode, you'll never get into Healing mode.

This was NOT about sex, this is not about OW1 or OW2 or any other OW. This is about figuring out what is broken in you that got you here, owning everything you've done (owning to yourself and your wife), and doing absolutely everything in your power to work on you and give her what she needs. And trust me after 5 years I know, she does not need you to minimize, hide, cleanup or control damage. You've made a lot of decisions for her, it's time to be honest and let her make the decisions for herself.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I am a BS. I just read your other post. I feel bad for anyone who is truly remorseful, and that might be you, because I don't know if you are really remorseful, or just upset you got caught and have "consequences."

But on the other post you asked how she could "do this to you?" (Say she wants a D and sent a letter from a lawyer asking for no contact).

Have you ever had a conversation with her about what either of you would do if the other cheated? I know I had this conversation with both my H's and told them if they did, I would be gone so fast they would not know what hit them. If they thought I was kidding, that was their problem.

I did file for a D two days after the final D-day in my first M and never looked back. At least I will give my XH enough credit to say he was not shocked I did this. He was a serial cheater (which you have admitted you are too...two longer term As and four ONS in five years of marriage?)

I am not trying to bash someone when they are down, but I do think you need a reality check. There is nothing shocking about her wanting out of this right now...especially since you don't have children. Just because you may have heard of lots of people staying together after something like this does not say anything about your own situation.

Did she know about any of the cheating before she got the letter from OW #2? It does not really matter except it makes your response even more shocking if this was her second D-day.

I divorced my first H. There was far too much damage done for me to consider giving him time to hope he could fix all that was wrong inside him, even though we had three young kids together at the time I filed.

Still, I don't hate my X. I wish him well. To be honest, I don't think he ever fixed anything and I'm fairly certain he cheats on his current wife (who was the final OW from our M). But she is more the type I think you expect women to be: She gets mad but not mad enough to dump him.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:05 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Posts: 5581 | Registered: Apr 2006
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

I came to this forum to get a better understanding of what my WH might have been thinking, doing is hoping for ect.

This post hit me in the gut. As a BS I would give you only one piece of advise

HONESTY

oh.....and pray

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 39