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User Topic: Cyber affair
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I am new here. I began A cyber affair in 9/2012. I met an acquaintance In my travels. Didn't know her well at all just through a visit to a doctors office 5 years prior. She was my friend on FB and would like various statements and pics I would post. In any case after meeting her she offered me a cyber affair. Masking it with friendship first then proceeding to making it a cyber affair starting with soft sexual statements. Asking about my sex life and complaining about hers and the lack of attention on her side. During this time and previous to this my marriage was very disconnected. As we both have high stress jobs. She is very committed to her job and has a hobby in which she participates often in. She is very passionate about this hobby. Sex would not happen often. As little as once a month or less. I would ask for it and it felt as if she would pacify me and say she was too tired. We even went on vacation and we had sex once after spending a week together. I desperately pleaded with her I wanted more time with her and not only sex but to do things together. It never happened.
After meeting with the other person & the sex talk became worse and more explicit. She found out who my wife was and threatened to tell her email call etc. i was horrified. Gradually this EMA became a like-hate relationship. It was revealed to me this person was married with kids. She also revealed to me she was into BDSM. This horrified me. That is something I am not into nor would I ever be. Over time she revealed herself as a pill addicted drinker with a sex addiction. She demanded I meet her or she was going to tell my wife. I booked a room twice in good faith but never showed up b/c I was frightened and guilty. The other party sat in the parking lot of both hotels supposedly and I never showed. She texted emailed and FB messaged me how disappointed she was and how she felt I should have regardless. That she would make it ok. That there would be no BDSM. I never believed her. A month or so later same thing. She offered then threatened. I booked and never showed. From then on we would chat a few times a day. There were a few days we didn't speak at all. Some would be explicit,some not so much. More like just daily life and routine. This continued on for months. She never once again, asked me to meet her mind you.
Until in late June when my wife found the facebook page open with all her messages from 7 weeks prior. My life exploded. I cut off all communication with the affair. told the other side I was caught and we were over. She left for a few days then returned. Over those days she made me promise 100% honesty about the entire affair. When she returned I lied again and told her it was only a few weeks. She accepted that and we had a blissful week and a half together. It was like dating again. I agreed to give her all my email passwords and personal bank info during that time. One morning decided to investigate. Found emails in response to the hotel meet-ups, charges on my debit card to the two bookings as described previously. This dated all the way back to September. She felt betrayed again and was furious over my second lie and felt she was betrayed. I lied to spare her more agony in which I shouldn't have. She is so hostile and mortified. She barley speaks to me and we communicate via email. We are still in the apartment but sleep separate as roommates.
I emailed the other party in front of her as she wished. The other party responded to the both of us with same story as I said verbatim. She also admitted to her husband about the affair and they were in counseling and trying to fix things.
What do I do people to win my wife's trust back? There is no communication with the other party. None at all!
Please respond my wife of 6 years no longer trusts me. I want to fix this.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Welcome to SI.

Read in the healing library, that yellow box in the upper left corner.

Don't lie to your wife. It may feel like you are protecting her, but the truth will eventually come out anyway, and be far more destructive if she has to dig it out than if you tell her.

Also She may benefit from being on this site. Both my BS and I are, and it has been a lifesaver.

Start reading, I read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and it really helped me, a lot!! It's a quick read.
Keep posting!!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Essentially I am asking her for a third chance. I lied to protect her this is wrong. I am apologizing to her profusely. She is taking whateverbi say and throwing itnback at me like bullets. She said inwas her rock. And now it is gone.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 29th (Monday)

@ broevil what do i do?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You read. Books and here. If you don't like reading get cd's or whatever.

Post here.

Get yourself into IC, figure out why having an affair was an acceptable choice to you.

Learn from my mistakes...be proactive, do all these things without being asked.

Be honest.

This is not an overnight process, it takes a while. You blew up her world, and yours. It takes a lot of time to heal from infidelity

Strap in, this is one hell of a ride.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You tell her the truth. Write it all down, dates, memories, things uttered or sent, anything you can remember. After you come clean you start digging, look for an IC if that works for you, it doesn't work for everyone but that doesn't mean you don't do the work. Ask yourself why you did this, then keep asking why until you have a real reason and not just surface crap. You were frightened and that'd why you never showed up to the hotel, what were you frightened for? Was it the fact that she was into kinky sex or was it because you were scared you'd get caught? At what point did you acknowledge what you were doing was wrong? Read the healing library:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/right_wrong.asp

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/consequences.asp

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/details.asp


read the following threads, I'll bump them up for you:

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=321

The Life Boat:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101


All that is just a starting point. The most work you will get done is the work you do on your own. Give your BS what she needs whether that be space or comfort. Understand we do not have the answer as to what SHE will need to begin rebuilding her trust in you again. That will be her choice to make, all you can do is begin working on you and making the changes to make yourself a safe partner. Ask yourself if you are making the changes because this is something you are doing to make you better or to comply with a set of standards you think will "make" her trust you again. The changes must be genuine, the work is slow, this is a marathon not a sprint and it takes years to heal from this and rebuild not a few months. If you are not in for the long haul understand that this is not going to be something you can handle, I am just being honest. Patience with yourself and the situation is a must. There's more and other's will touch upon more points but this is your starting point...what are you going to do?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I lied to spare her more agony

One of the first things you are going to have to do is admit that you lied to save your own butt, not because you wanted to spare her pain. If you truly wanted to spare her pain, then you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. All of us who've been lied to say this.

I desperately pleaded with her I wanted more time with her and not only sex but to do things together. It never happened.

Second, you'll have to stop using this as an excuse. You had other options to choose from other than cheating. By saying this, you are pointing the finger at your wife as the one responsible for "causing" you to cheat.

Didn't know her well at all just through a visit to a doctors office 5 years prior.

Really think about this...How exactly did you end up taking things further with somebody you met at a doctor's office? You had to already be crossing boundaries if you managed an affair from this.

She also admitted to her husband about the affair and they were in counseling and trying to fix things

Unless you've spoken with the husband, you don't know this to be true.

What do I do people to win my wife's trust back?

You have to accept that you may never earn her trust again. However, if you hope to, then you have to start by telling the truth. You cannot withhold things and you must be consistent. Volunteer information, don't wait for her to ask. Be specific when you apologize...what exactly are you apologizing for? Do not get defensive when she asks questions or checks your phone/emails.

This is a long, hard road. Be sure you are up to the challenge of helping your wife come to terms with this. It will take strength and determination, but it can be done.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13634 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I am in IC. I have been for a year now. I never mentioned to him my dirty secret. I have now. We so far discovered that I di what I did because myslf and my spouse were so disconnected.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I also grew up in an abusive home. This is another discovery.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I am in IC.

myslf and my spouse were so disconnected.

Does your IC specialize in infidelity? Probably not given the conclusion you two have come up with. You really need one that specializes in infidelity.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13634 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)

We so far discovered that I di what I did because myslf and my spouse were so disconnected

I call bullshit. You're wife has nothing to so with your choice to have an A. If you were disconnected there were plenty of other options for resolution. Why did you choose an A?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 29th (Monday)

The IC specializes in spousal and family issues. Wow @ true lies! You are waking me up.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I call bullshit. You're wife has nothing to so with your choice to have an A. If you were disconnected there were plenty of other options for resolution. Why did you choose an A?

BINGO!!

It can take real digging to find out why.
Take the time and do it.

[This message edited by broevil at 1:22 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Chose A because no matter what I did she still wouldnt give me time together. I was wrong. I should have packed my bags and left for a weekend at my families house to prove my point instead of going with A.

[This message edited by Nyc0274 at 1:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 29th (Monday)

But WHY an A??

It sounds like you packed up your toys and went and played with someone else.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Chose A because no matter what I did she still wouldnt give me time together. I was wrong. I should have packed my bags and left for a weekend at my families house to prove my point instead of going with A.

All this screams inability to communicate. Your solution instead of an A was to walk away for a weekend and pout instead of sitting down and communicating how you felt? Hos does this resolve anything. I think one of the first things to work on is how you communicate.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 29th (Monday)

@ true lies. I didnt pay her any mind five years ago. It wasnt a general physical, was dealing with bad stomach issues and didnt care about anything else at the time. Seriously I could barely eat at the time. She connected with me on FB, I accepted without a second thought. Had many aquintances on there as friends. From previous jobs, college and my past.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 29th (Monday)

She connected with me on FB

How? I've been to the doctor plenty of times and nobody connected with me on FB as a result. Was she an employee that got your name or were you in the waiting room together and she asked for your info?

I didnt pay her any mind five years ago.

You had to have in order for you two to connect at all.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:33 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13634 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I chose A, because i felt no matter what i did she wouldn't connect with me. Sat down with her, spoke to her, begged her. At work I see all the families and married couples doing things together and it was infuriating and depressing. Sent her flowers for no reason, bought everything she liked at food store, cleaned. To no avail. People at work would ask, what are u guys doing this weekend? I had no answer. Tried to make plans but something on her end or mine would get in the way. I used to work full time night shift. I even switched to day shift. Nothing

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 29th (Monday)

@ lies hurt she was an employee. I am in the healthcare industry as well.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 29th (Monday)

@ Unangie I would communicate.
She wouldnt listen or hear. Her response to me was. Well we can just quit our jobs and sit around

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You list all your reasons as based within her. It was not her that made you have an A. Why was an A the solution YOU chose?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 29th (Monday)

So why did you not tell her either we fix this and go to counseling or I will leave. Why was your solution to do something so selfish and painful to not just her but to yourself?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I am learning immensely from this. Thank you to each and everyone of you. I am seeing the light. Please keep posting to this thread. I need this

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I know I am wrong. There is no excuse. Should I ask for a discussion tonight? Should I give her time?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nyc0274
New Member
Member # 40104
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 29th (Monday)

This has shown me that what I did is wrong I have no excuses. I will tell her all of the above, and put the ball in her court. She may divorce, she has all the right connections to.
I must face my consequences

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I would like to emphasize that you figure out your why. You don't have to tell us but do it for yourself.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2622 | Registered: Oct 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Hi NYC,

I'm late to this thread but welcome to SI...

It's probably best that you ask your BW to hold off on making any big decisions for a while if possible.

You don't need an answer right now and emotions are running too high for sound decision making.

The best thing you can do is support your BW by being honest, answering all questions without getting defensive, and giving her what she wants (space, to talk, she may change her mind a lot right now and that's ok).

You can't blame your decision to cheat on the problems in your M. You and your wife share responsibility for the problems in the M. You own 100% your decision to cheat.

You have to figure out why you gave yourself permission to cheat. Why was that an OK thing to do? It has nothing to do with your wife or your M. What did you get from the A?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 29th (Monday)

This
My life exploded.
your life didn't explode, you carefully tended the embers, and added the accelerant. Her life exploded! Its key to remember that, no matter how many problems existed before, you chose to have an A as a means of coping, she did not.

Please do not tell her anymore lies! I am guilty of much TT, disguising my own fear and discomfort with the truth as "compassion" and "softening the blow" of the truth to my BSO. This is my biggest regret, all of the lies hurt him more than anything! They made him feel crazy! His gut was screaming, and he had proof!! But I continued to deny deny deny! I wish I had been honest with him! I wish I hadn't inflicted so much additional pain! Watching him struggle through anger, depression, devastation, and just plain losing trust in humanity as a whole has been (and still is) excruciating for me, I can't begin to imagine what he's been going through!!

She needs the whole truth, so she can make informed choices in her life! The kind she has been denied by not having the full story on who she married!

Please do not make excuses! Especially not to her, you made a conscious choice, knowing full well what you were doing was wrong, don't let her think it's her fault in any way! No one forced you into this fb affair, when it became apparent what OW's motives were, you didn't bail, you chose to stick around and soak up the attention. Many of us here, myself included, have had these types of online, ego stroking affairs, and please don't minimize it, because betrayal is betrayal, and no matter what the form it takes, it's the ultimate hurt.

The road to a healthier you, and in turn to healthier relationships, is along, bumpy journey, full of unexpected twists, turns and detours. You'll lose your way many times, and you'll come across many road closures. But don't give up. When you feel lost, or confused or angry, this is the right place to be. We've all been through this in one form or another, and you will find invaluable advice from some pretty wise folks; support, and the occasional 24. Welcome,NYC. Hope you stick around!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
noescape
Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)

NYC, i say this in the gentlest way possible and because there is no stop sign here. both as WS and BS i get the feeling that you are still minimising. calling the AP "crazy" or into BDSM etc.. etc.. and she was evil etc.. i still get the feeling that the whole story about the hotel bookings (and more) is not out. your W obviously knows you better than anyone here and she's been at ground zero.

Please let her know the whole truth, trying to minimise and to control the outcome will make it worse and push your W further towards irreparable damage in trusting you or in the relationship. you cannot justify punishing her for the choices you made.

gaslighting is a term we use for crazymaking. oftentimes the WS uses gaslighting to ensure their own safety by making it appear that what is true is not true-even though the BS may have reason to believe otherwise (through hard evidence, actions, behaviours, words, gut feeling, etc..).

gaslighting can and will have a huge psychological effect on your BS on top of making her eventually losing any shards of trust she may have had in you.

Please avoid TT (trickle truth) and gaslighting. IF you're doing that, you're knowingly inflicting further damage on your M beyond the A itself. more than that, you are purposefully hurting your BS more, no matter if you rationalise it with "I'm protecting her".

If that is the case, please understand that your defense mechanisms are right now working against you, the M and the emotional and physical health of your spouse. Would you knowingly hack at her arm to protect yourself from being 'found out'? This is far worse.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 30