User Topic: This is absolutely nuts!
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I would like to know if anyone here has tried to patch things up and have it work long-term? I asked my wife the other day, "do you think you will do this ever again"? Her reply: "If you don't give me all the attention I need, I might. When we were married you made a vow to give me all the attention I need, so when you don't, I have the right to find someone else that will". Am I the only one that thinks this is absolute lunacy?

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 29th (Monday)

WOW really!!! Selfish people have affairs... Sounds very selfish to me.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday)

I agree she is nuts! She is minimizing the damage she did and letting you know who she is... she is also setting things up for another excuse down the line in case she decides to cheat again... then she can try to blame it all on you for not meeting all her needs....

She needs some serious counseling and needs to explore her issues - that is if you are willing to stick around to help her... not sure I could if she is already telling me these things and has yet to do all the hard work to help you heal.

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Your wife is an unremorseful serial cheater.

How dare she tell you if you don't shower her with attention 24/7 she will betray you again.

Why are you still with her? What are you getting out of this marriage?

Oh..and Im pretty sure "give your wife a ton of attention or she will turn into a whore" was NOT in those wedding vows...


There IS such a thing as vowing to be faithful in those should remind her about that and see what she has to say.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Bro, head for the hills. This woman has already bitten the forbidden fruit and likes it. Her attitude is in no way conducive to remorse let alone reconciliation. If you stay with this woman and her attitude does not change I will bet my left nut she will cheat on you again. Don't be a fool my friend.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 29th (Monday)

When you married I assume that she said she'd be faithful.
Is She ?

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I have to agree with the majority here.

Your WW is not remorseful. She is blaming you for her choice of having an affair. (You made her because you didn't pay attention to her! )

Yes, it is lunacy, ceilingwalker. Don't get sucked into it.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Yes, her thinking is absolutely lunacy! Did your vows say something along the line of "I promise to be faithful to my spouse and forsake ALL others"? If so, ask her about that vow and where it said she could 'cheat if she wanted to', because that's all she is implying. It's called "self-entitlement" and it's the battle cry of every selfish, thoughtless person who betrays their spouse.

As long as she thinks like this, you will never be able to reconcile or make your relationship work in the long run.

My H was also a 'self-entitled' thinker and had the freaking audacity to tell me he was entitled to commit adultery because he worked!!!! Uh, yeah WTF, most people do! I just stared at him in disbelief and said "well I was working TWO jobs and I never knew I was entitled to anything more than a paycheck for my services". He STFU and never said that again!

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 9744 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I'm sorry. She is telling you she WILL cheat again.

The attention is an excuse. Please see her statement for what it is. It is a declaration of her intentions to have an A whenever she pleases.


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I would ditch her in a heartbeat.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)

****When we were married you made a vow to give me all the attention I need, so when you don't, I have the right to find someone else that will"****

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)

REALLY? My vows said something like FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.

NOT, um, until I feel like YOU aren't focusing all your attention on ME and fulfilling all MY needs.

She needs to own her shit and her terrible coping mechanisms. If she wants out, she should just say so. She's saying she will just lie and manipulate you again???

Dude, run. You CANNOT reconcile with that. Perhaps she will pull her head out of her ass after you put your foot down; but for now, stand tall and proud and kick that unremorseful narc to the curb..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 29th (Monday)

When we were married you made a vow to give me all the attention I need, so when you don't, I have the right to find someone else that will

What kind of vow is that?

Where was that written?

Run. Run far and run fast away from her.

I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

Posts: 5432 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Wait, what????

Your WW is a sad example of how our educational system has failed. Because clearly she has never learned how to think.

To answer your first question, my DDay was 2-1/2 years ago. MCOW got a job elsewhere a bit over a year ago and we have not heard a peep from her since. If that counts as long term, then yes, you can patch it up and have it work. I don't think you can have it be the same, though. I doubt I will ever trust him the way I did before. I love him, but I've lost some respect for him, and I have a pretty hard nosed understanding of his weaknesses. I no longer expect the best -- which is pretty sad, especially for him.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 29th (Monday)

My husband is a similar lunatic - he said "we just don't have enough in common to work." No, we don't always like the same things, but that has never prevented us from doing other things together. I also feel like this is a very selfish thing to say. I told him that I will go to any movie, or concert or sporting event with him, even if I don't really want to, just to be with him. I know that I will have a good time simply because we're together.

I agree with the other posters - I've never heard of the "I promise to give you all the attention you need" vow. As someone facing the very real possibility of divorce (an end which I do not want), I feel like I should be the last person to tell you to walk away. But when our WS's start making stupid excuses for their affairs, it might be time to rethink your relationship's path.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 39993
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Sounds like my H. "If you don't give me reason to...."

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Krazy8516, my wife told me the exact thing, "we don't have anything in common and I don't feel connected with you like I did with him". WTF! That's why I continually ask her "why didn't you tell me this a couple of years ago? Why didn't you tell me this before we went to the altar???

My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Um, what?

Every time I have asked FWH if he thinks he would ever do this again I get a resounding, loud NO! And then he looks pitiful for a few minutes and reminds me of all the work he has done and how he would never every want to put me through this again. That is the only acceptable answer!

She's telling you who she is...and that person is crazy.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 29th (Monday)

That is HORRIBLE. Not crazy, not nuts, extremely selfish and unremorseful.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2309 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Okay so since she didn't fulfill the vow she made to you to be faithful, you are entitled to do the very same thing to her, right?

(NOTE I am NOT condoning infidelity; if you're done with the M get out before even thinking about a potential future partner. BUT... saying something like that to her could be a wake-up call. Ironically, cheaters don't seem to like the idea of being cheated on. )

Are you implementing the 180? I think you should be. It doesn't sound like there's anything left to save here, other than your dignity, self-respect, and financial prospects. I'm sorry. :(


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Yes there are many here who have R's successfully, me being one. However it takes a TON of hard work on both parts. More for the WS, and until they own what they did there is no hope for R.

What she said is definitely on the top of the list for Crazy, blameshifting, lameass excuses I have ever heard. REALLY she needed more attention? What the Hell? Is she a 4 year old or a grown ass woman?

Seriously, she is telling you exactly who she is. Listen. You will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache. Until she figures out that no matter how much attention she is given has no bearing on her true happiness, that comes from her, she is destined to repeat this abhorent behavior.

((((and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 29th (Monday)

wow, nuts might be too kind of a word!!!

Sounds like what my wh said to me when Ow#1 broke it off with him, "you start giving it (SEX) to me more often or i'll find someone who will".

Never mind that he had already betrayed me once (i didnt know that at this time) and that he would rather hang out and party with his friends than come home and be a husband a woman would want to make love to. Oh and that nonsense went on all 20 years of our marriage.

It ticks me off to even think of it and yep, he found someone willing to give him lots and lots of sex---ow#2.

I'll never forget those words or how hurtful and selfish they were.

Run and dont look back.

With that kind of attitude, you'll be hurt again.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Topic Posts: 22