Topic: Advice I Got
Member # 38924
| Posted: 11:52 AM, July 29th (Monday)|
I told my 85 year old grammie about my H's A's, the last time I saw her before her death a couple weeks ago. She sat there in silence and shock. She was thinking intently. I was tending to the boys and came back to her (she was bedridden). She thought some more, then came out of no where, "Try to look past it" she said. That was her advice to me. She was widowed in her early 20's as a single mom of 3. Something tells me she's been there...
The day we buried her, I thought I would finally let it go. Let his A's go. Let the pain go. Let the fact that I cannot control him no matter how many questions I ask and/or monitor him. Let it go. Don't get me wrong, I can still be sad, but letting it go was a biggie for me. Just wanted to share.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:55 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.
Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 29912
| Posted: 12:06 PM, July 29th (Monday)|
Not sure I can agree with your grandmother.... she was widowed and had to raise 3 children on her own... but those were different times and 60 years ago... we ladies have options today, and even tho the vows say till death do us part obviously our spouses didn't take those words seriously... she is giving you advice based on her own life experiences which were very different..... I can see why women HAD to look past the cheating in the 1950's because divorced women were pretty much shunned and the jobs available for women then were slim to none to support a family... so while I understand her advice, and I'm sure you love her to bits, please take all advice with a grain of salt based on the person's own history and experience....
If you choose to look past it know that it will require a ton of hard work on both your parts... and if you can rebuild a good life together then it will be worth it, if he isn't willing to help you heal then life might be more peaceful without him.
Posts: 1178 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 33956
| Posted: 12:08 PM, July 29th (Monday)|
i am sorry about yoru grandmother's passing.
gosh....i wish everyday i could do what she advised....
BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi
Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 30826
| Posted: 12:11 PM, July 29th (Monday)|
I think she loved you very much and wanted your pain to end.
This is not the kind of thing you can just "look past." Your WH had 8(?) OW during the last few years. This is an enormous betrayal. Looking past it,IMO,sounds like rugsweeping..put your head in the sand and pretend it never happened. Which will kill you. The pain will eat you alive. Or it will set you up for more pain in the future when you discover yet another OW.
Im very sorry about her passing.
M: June 2001
Status: Happily Reconciled.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 7314 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 37575
| Posted: 12:16 PM, July 29th (Monday)|
What a bittersweet moment with your grandmother, she sounds like an amazing woman. I am sorry for your lose and hope you find comfort in your memories. It's wonderful that you were close to her to be able to share that with her.
Her words are very insightful and I wonder if they will have different meanings for you throughout this process, just a thought. To me it sounded like, "don't let this define you as a person, keep moving forward". There may be times when you need to look past it in order to go forward. Anyway, it's for YOU to interpret and it's great that she left you with her advice!
I wish you strength in this journey!
Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein
Posts: 478 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Member # 39588
| Posted: 12:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)|
My MIL told me 5 years ago after WS's EA that her dad cheated on her mom and then came home and she never said a word about it and he spent the rest of his life making it up to her. I got a TON of bad advice from her and look what it all got me. :/.
I knew WS's parents were divorced and remarried quickly but only recently found out she actually was the OW - yes I was taking advice from an OW!!! Ugh!!! Sounds like a crappy soap opera now that I think about it.
Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
|Topic Posts: 6|| |