User Topic: From a distance
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I don't know if this is going to be remotely helpful, but we get so many questions about how long this healing process is going to take, that I thought I would share something.

I'm 6 years out. Next week is the 6th anniversary of the second dday when I found the affair phone hidden in our garage under a pile of gassy rags. I don't remember the date. Which I think is good.

But last week I took my 17 year old daughter to a concert. First of all, how awesome is it that I have a teen daughter willing to be seen in public with me? Anyway, the concert was at a new venue we discovered. It is three hours away, but only a few miles from where the OW lived during the affair. I have never gone there. I am far enough out that I can just say, "fuck it" and buy tickets with nothing more than a minor twinge.

On the way there, I did Google map her address (burned into my memory). I drove about a mile from where my husband betrayed me for the first time. I started to get angry but said to myself, "really? fuck her and fuck that." I texted my FWH later and asked a couple questions. He answered. He apologized for me having to ask questions like that.

Yesterday we were discussing our ability to give my parents some financial help. Maybe letting them live with us for a bit, if needed. They lived with us 6 years ago for two months. My spouse said, "I don't remember any problems. I don't really even remember them being here." I said, "uh yeah, you weren't here all that much back then, remember?" It was right in the thick of his affair. He just looked at me and said, "yeah. right. that guy was an asshole." And we moved on to other topics.

The affair just "is". It happened. It is this thing. If you poke it really hard, it hurts. But day to day, it is virtually irrelevant in my life. It just isn't worth my time. I know you probably don't want to think that it will take you 6 years. But you are going to be six years out regardless, eventually. It will be there with you, but I hope it won't be more than a teeny blip by then.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Thank you Rebreather


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You're so awesome for posting this, Rebreather!! :) Made my day, actually. Funny, made me lol, and thought how cool you are taking your daughter to a concert. I love the matter-of-fact attitude you now have regarding OW.

Sometimes, when I'm strong, I think to myself, "What the eff am I going to do, it wasn't my fault he cheated." That thinking always helps me get through the day.

My H says, the same, he's not that guy anymore. It's comforting to hear them realize that.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I had this terrible fear that you were going to post the lyrics to a Bette Midler song, and then I wasn't ever going to be able to talk to you again.

ETA: Wind. Wings. You.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 12:19 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 29th (Monday)

You know WAL, some say love, it is a river. But it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Thank you for sharing, it was exactly what I needed to hear!
So glad to hear you are going on with your life, what a cool mom you are!!
I appreciated hearing your H's responses too, good for him!
Take care

Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 29th (Monday)

What a great post. And it really is true that, with any luck in reconciliation, there will come a day when you barely think of the A and can once again trust your spouse (mostly). Years after my H's 1st A I had actually forgotten the name of his AP. The fact that my H repeated his A behavior is more a reflection of his flaws than it is the human heart's ability to heal.

Thanks for sharing, Rebreather.

BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I still have your post about a couple of your posts saved ya know?

This is awesome to hear.

We took the middle to see FUN. law weekend. Loved it.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Thank you. Your post is helpful to me.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Awesome post, thanks for sharing!

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 29th (Monday)

It just isn't worth my time.

This. The best part is that my W still is worth my's the A that is not. At this point its a bigger deal for her. She is the one that is still struggling with IC and I feel for her...

take care...

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)

thanks for your positive story.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Gods below, thanks a lot. I am SO looking forward to being able to make a post like this.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 29th (Monday)

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I had this terrible fear that you were going to post the lyrics to a Bette Midler song, and then I wasn't ever going to be able to talk to you again.
Hey, I couldn't help myself, I saw the topic title, and immediately started singing the song.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Posts: 7562 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Great post

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think my time on this site should be spent focusing on the good news. Wallowing in the bad is what is easiest right now. Anticipating the best, though, is so much more uplifting and hopeful.

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thanks rebreather. I always appreciate your candor and thanks for sharing. Your H responses and your ownership of your life are great!

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 19