SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Struggling
Regretswhatidid
New Member
Member # 38494
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)

We are almost 11 months into this. I still find myself unable to share freely with my wife. I completed my first step with SAA a couple weeks ago, instead of coming home and sharing it with her after the meeting I waited several days to tell her. I want to desperatly to tear down the walls that allow to keep stuff like from her.


WH: 45 SA
BW: 34 (bytheboard)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Virginia
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 29th (Monday)

What are the walls made out of?


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Is it that you are afraid of what her reaction to your sharing might be?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Do please keep asking yourself WHY until you can figure out why you feel you can''t share with your BW. My FWHs inability to share with me and initiate a conversation about his whys are slowly driving another wedge between us. Please don''t be us in this matter.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4794 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Regretswhatidid
New Member
Member # 38494
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I'm not afraid of her reaction. When I do share, her reaction is not negative at all.


WH: 45 SA
BW: 34 (bytheboard)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Virginia
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I'm gonna hypothesize - throw this aay if it does not apply.

SA is primarily an intimacy disorder, an EMOTIONAL intimacy disorder. The sexual acting out is most often a poor self-medicating coping mechanism for the emotional isolation - which is often a result of family of origin (FOO) stuff.

So in the 12 step groups, you work on controlling and getting sobriety from the symptoms (the sexual acting out), sometimes it takes a good IC (CSAT in most cases) to heal the emotional trauma that is the cause of the symptom, and to work on building genuine emotional intimacy.

It is a long road, but it can be traveled successfully.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
bytheboard
Member
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 12th (Monday)

My husband just told me about this post and we have agreed that it is alright to read/respond to each other. I am thankful you are reaching out and seeking help. I hope that we can both gain tools to build intimacy and trust.

What Skan said really hits home:

My FWHs inability to share with me and initiate a conversation about his whys are slowly driving another wedge between us

This is one of our hugest obstacles in R. I feel like I need you to share your process and insights... Your whys and how's in order to feel some level of safety. It hurts that we are both so frustrated in meeting this goal/ making this reality. Can you think of any ways that I can make this easier or feel safer for you?

Can anyone who has experienced this share what has worked and what has not. All of my appreciation in advance...


BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/past partners
4 kids

Posts: 55 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 7