SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Needing advice
longroadahead22
Member
Member # 37328
Helpless  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 29th (Monday)

My IC sucked today! I went to her today with a massive breakdown telling her that I was thinking about a divorce because I can not physically process my own guilt. It's consuming me! Every thought and action at home, at work, with my kids and with my BS. My BS has forgiven me! But I can not get past it, yes I know I'm relatively new at this and I know this will take time to heal. But what can I do to help the process, I'm in IC and newly starting back up MC intensely working on making myself safe, and can say with confidence that I will NEVER cheat again on my BS, myself or anyone else. I'm starting to read again, starting to journal and pray again an communication between me and my BS are at an all time new high. Things were going great, then without warning the thoughts of overwhelming guilt camping barreling back in and has crippled me. Yea I know pitty party on me so boo hoo, but please understand that it's crippling!

It's to the point where divorce has been creeping into my mind more and more, and not because I don't love my W but because I feel I might deserve the pain of life without her. She deserves to be happy and stable with someone even if that someone isn't me.

So like I said my IC sucked and didn't give ways to get past the guilt she just said get over it or it will consume you, to late!

So what I'm asking is how did others get past the guilt of their actions, cuz I want to conquer this and fight for my marriage but don't know how. And if I can't get past this I fear I will loss my M

Please help


WS (Me): 26 y/o
BS (Her): 26 y/o (MandoBando)
Relationship: M for 4 years, a 20 month old son and a 8 month old son.
D-Day: 10/23/12
Working towards R...

Despite the fact that i am an ass hole, horrible father, and horrible husband; i LOVE and


Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Toledo, OH
ArableSands
Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 29th (Monday)

No stop sign seen so I'm going to offer the perspective of a BS.

Longroad, while you're being consumed by guilt and remorse your BS is moving along and has FORGIVEN you. That is an ENORMOUS milestone. If SHE has forgiven you it is time that you forgive yourself. Work on that. She has chosen to stay with you because despite everything she still loves you so very much. Think of the gift she's given you: you betrayed her deepest trust, and you put her in unfathomable agony for however long, and yet through all of that she's STAYED BY YOUR SIDE.

Don't faff this up. You bail on her now and you will hurt her ALL OVER AGAIN, in a way that you will never be able to recover from.

Find a way to let go. Do it in IC or MC. Go find a punching bag. Whatever it takes. SHE. IS. WORTH. IT.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, July 29th (Monday)

BS here...trying to tread gently.

You need to fight for your M and for your BS. That means you have to fight your own fears and weaknesses. If you give up, your BS will believe that your fear and weakness are greater than your love for her and your commitment to your M.

She has stood by you, even though you have crushed her. She has been brave, and didn't even have to. Now it is your turn to be brave and to be strong.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I think ^^^ is right. You also need to fight for you. Running away from what you have done will hurt you far more than facing it.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jul 2011
canteat
Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Sometimes it seems easier to "throw in the towel" and just start over. But all you will be doing is not dealing with your own issues. The will still be there and they will follow you wherever you go. Both WS and BS feel like this once in a while. When things get HARD.

Sometimes when things are going well we backslide because of our fear. You are reminded of how wonderful your spouse and M can be and then you are hit with the guilt and fear that you F*cked it up for good or question if it can ever really be good again long term. You don't trust the progress and are waiting for something bad to happen.

If you don't think your IC is helping you-look for a new one. Not all IC/MC are created equal.

[This message edited by canteat at 7:24 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I agree you must fight through this otherwise you are running away. What I do not agree with is that you must forgive yourself because your BW has forgiven you. Work on you but if you are not ready to forgive yourself that's okay too. Remember there is a difference between guilt and remorse, remorse makes work get done, guilt will cripple you and allow you to stay stuck. Dig deep and pull out some strength you have deep down. Better yet what triggered you? Identify it, work on it and conquer it. I can tell you back in February I was a hot mess. I got triggered off the intro to a show I watch because it reminded me of a really happy moment pre-A. From that moment I wallowed and could not hear that intro. Now its bearable. Learn to identify your triggers and self soothe.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
cinnamongurl
Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Gently, but I'm calling bs on this
It's to the point where divorce has been creeping into my mind more and more, and not because I don't love my W but because I feel I might deserve the pain of life without her. She deserves to be happy and stable with someone even if that someone isn't me
. This sounds to me like a bit of a cop out. Yes, this is tough, excruciating at times, but don't you think you should let her decide what's best for her? She's chosen you and She's forgiven you!!! That has taken a tremendous amount of work, pain and humility. Don't you think you owe it to her to step out of the pity party and commit to her as deeply as she's committed herself to you?

(Edited to correct autocorrect)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:17 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

lra22-

No, no, no. Walking away because you can't handle the guilt? That's still wayward thinking, brother. Follow that thought. Why is it a viable option for you to bring this much damage into both of your lives and then walk away because you feel bad?

You deal with guilt by feeling it, processing, recognizing that you feel that guilt for a reason and then letting it go. Your everyday actions need to be motivated by healing, not guilt, but that doesn't mean you never feel guilty. Hell, you are guilty. You had an A. Feelings of guilt will happen.

Glory, built on selfish principles, is shame and guilt. -William Cowper.

Sin, guilt, neurosis; they are one and the same, the fruit of the tree of knowledge. -Henry Miller

See, the messed up "good" feelings of the A have left you with guilt because you always knew that there was something wrong with your actions.

Your IC is right. It is consuming you and that will sabotage your healing. Make a different choice. Feel what you feel, process it and then let it go and act on healing yourself. Repeat as necessary.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
ZombieGirl
New Member
Member # 28513
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Do you really want your marriage? From my perspective as a BS, it seems that you really want out and you are using your guilt as an excuse. If that is not the case and you do want your marriage, then you need to man up. By wallowing in your guilt you are hurting your BS more. You are still acting like a wayward because the guilt is keeping you from fully engaging in your marriage.


Me: BS, 40
Him: WS, 43
married 15years
3 kids: 13, 9, 4
DDay: 5/3/2010 Intense EA for 5 months with videos, pics, chat, phone calls
Left me for her: 6/19/10..day before father's day
Came back home: 7/15/10

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Read what unagie, cinnamongurl, and lrh said. You are choosing to use the same coping skills here that you have always used in the past, why?

Why are you not choosing to try something different? Isn't that what this is all about? Us fixing our coping skills, our internal processes. Your wife is sitting there giving you some small bit of trust that you are going to do something different this time, so step out of the guilt, that paralyzes you, and halts all action and get back to work.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4458 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Read what unagie, cinnamongurl, and lrh said. You are choosing to use the same coping skills here that you have always used in the past, why?
^^^THis. My STBXWW did exactly what you are thinking. she didn't realize that her wanting out wasn't "setting me free", it was her running away again from something she couldn't face. Her lack of adequate coping skills and her inability to develop new coping skills meant when the guilt hit her she fell back on what she knew best which was running away and avoiding the issue. This time though she wrapped it in a nice big bow that said I am doing this for you. You need to be happy and you can be happier without me. This is more selfish thinking. If you truly love your wife and want your M then you have to face the guilt and the fear and work through it. You can't avoid it or run away you have to go through it and get to the core issues that you avoid addressing when you run away. It isn't going to be easy but it can be done. Your BW may have forgiven you but she will likely still trigger for awhile and will have tough days ahead of her. When those tough days are really bad will you run away again and hide from the pain you caused or will you have developed healthy coping skills to face it and work through the tough days.

If you sit back and find you truly don't want your M then you still should address the issues so you become a complete individual going forward with good coping skill that you can rely on in the future. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:33 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1803 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yea I know pitty party on me so boo hoo, but please understand that it's crippling!

Yes. Yes it is.
Self pity, IMHO, is one on the most destructive character defects a person can have. It keeps you locked in the guilt, shame spiral.
It keeps the victim mentality alive and well.
It is really fucking hard to get out of. But it is possible. I broke the habit. It took more self awareness than I knew I was capable of
And it was as simple(not easy) as breaking the habit. Being aware when self pity would start to take over and letting it go.
Sounds easier than it was!!
However, now I can look back and see how it affected SO much of my life.

It's a cycle that will keep you feeling crippling guilt forever.

can say with confidence that I will NEVER cheat again on my BS,

This worries me. Watch that over confidence.

I relate it to driving.
I know I can drive well. But I do not take for granted that fact that I'm driving what could be a 2,000 lb weapon down the road.
Not to say I'm the world's best driver, but I don't forget that I could cause some pretty serious damage to myself or others if I don't have awareness of what I'm doing.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

wanting to divorce because of your spouse's pain is pretty darn selfish.
At two years out from my affair I forgave myself. I had done enough punishing. It was time and it was pretty darn freeing.
I held a little ceremony for myself and when those thoughts crept in I said to myself, "remember Rachelc, you forgave yourself so don't go there."

This, of course, was after lots of work on figuring out why I gave myself permission to have an affair. When you stare that in the face and realize how broken, justified and stupid it is - it kind of hits you hard. Staying in "that place" though will hold up your healing...

good luck!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4460 | Registered: Dec 2010
islesguy
Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

rachelc
At two years out from my affair I forgave myself.

Did your BS forgive you first? How could you ever contemplate forgiving yourself if your BS never forgives you?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(

I acknowledge the grace I have received. I do not deserve it.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2013
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

wanting to divorce because of your spouse's pain is pretty darn selfish.

Considering divorce because you're the cause of your spouse's pain is pretty darn understandable.

Fight for your marriage? Suck it up? Ok. How? Some of this advice sounds like the perfect solution to staying locked in the shame spiral.

When you cannot do the one thing that will really help your spouse 's pain and your own...change the past...kind of limits everything to recovery after a disaster. No matter how good it is it is only recovery, and with a huge scar right down the middle.

Rather a daunting thing to accept along with the recognition of what your actions have done to both you and someone else.

I went through this exact same thing. While I didn't choose to reconcile I felt like this with myself. The desire to run. The seperation and detachment I had with my inner voice. She was my hope, my cheering section, my comforter. I betrayed her and for years she was silent. The pain was the worst thing I ever experienced in my life, other than the loss of my baby.

I read, researched, posted, read some more. I would be chided by members for not getting through it and holding on the pain to punish myself. That was so far from the truth. I needed to go through that in order to work my way back to myself again.

Last step was Grace. Longroadahead, grace (I'm not religious) was monumental. You won't be able to take away your past fr your BW. You can give her an authentic present and a much healthier future. That's no small feat. It's the best gift a person can give another. Honesty. Your true self.

I don't see this as a pity party at all. I see this as a pretty necessary step in a very bumpy road. In fact, whether you're reconciling or not if you haven't hit this point I'd wonder if you honestly grasped what you've done.

Not even been a year since you've registered. You'll get there. Work your way back to yourself. You've left bread crumbs. Trust me. Keep walking forward even if it's pitch black. You've already built the next step. You won't fall.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:52 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Because self forgiveness has nothing to do with someone else.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2623 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

LRA - the two don't go together at all. The healing we do as a BS and a WS are different. In fact, i would guess you forgiving yourself first might be the impetus for her to let go a little. You know the work you have done in your head, she can only see from your actions... so, you may get there first.

Two weeks ago my husband said he had forgiven me. It was the first I'd heard of it. That forgiveness was for him, not me. It was nice to hear, but it wasn't what I needed to heal. I needed MY OWN WORK to heal.

If your wife has a spouse stuck in shame and guilt, she has an unhealthy spouse. That is NOT what she needs right now. Find out your whys, figure out new healthy coping mechanisms and purge the shame from your life. One thing that helped my husband a lot - I listed off my new coping mechanisms to my husband. He was very glad to hear it...

good luck!

I also recommend a forgiveness ceremony...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4460 | Registered: Dec 2010
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

On further reflection, this:

I will NEVER cheat again on my BS, myself or anyone else.

Supports what ZombieGirl says here:

From my perspective as a BS, it seems that you really want out and you are using your guilt as an excuse.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you're already examining the possibility of there being an "anyone else." Is it possible that your A was an exit A? Is R really what you want? If not, then the opposite - guilt driving you to stay, will result in bad things as well.

Either way, you have to control guilt so it doesn't guide your decisions and make things worse. Shame makes us punish ourselves and live in a state of constant internal pain. Hurt people hurt people.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Another good read.

An adjacent thought that came into my head was how SI is amazing in this way: It shows me how easily others can see me, but how damn hard it is to see myself clearly, admit what I'm seeing, and accept what I'm seeing. Sort of comforting and scary at the same time. And an example of how this place is one of the places I need to be in order to get real, get moving forward, and get healing.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 19