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Reconciliation
User Topic: Hard Weekend
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 29th (Monday)

This was a hard weekend for me. I went to WS's house for the first time since about 2 weeks after Dday. It's where the A happened. I know she showed up several times at his house for sex. I know she slept in his bed. I've told him that I can't stay the night there, that it's just too hard. But we decided to go to the beach, and for us to take showers at his place and then go to dinner. My place is about 30 minutes away from his place. I thought that would be manageable.

As I was driving to his house to go to the beach, I was feeling anxious. I continued feeling anxious the whole time I was at the beach. As we pulled into the parking lot at his house, it got worse. As I walked to the door, my chest started hurting. I walked in the bedroom, and had to bite my lip. He went in the bathroom, and I sat down at his desk. I looked at the bed, and all this emotion just took over. I could picture them there. Having sex. Him holding her. Them sleeping together. I got in the shower after he came out of the bathroom, and I locked the door. I just sat in the shower and cried for a long time. After the shower, I struggled to control my emotions. Part of me wanted to yell at him. Part of me wanted to cry. All I could think about was that I had to get out of there.

He tried to be comforting, and told me he was sorry. I snapped at him. I was fighting so hard to control my emotions, and I felt like I was on the edge of breaking down. Once we left, I tried really hard to snap out of it. I tried laughing and joking with him. Tried drinking. Tried stopping my thoughts. Nothing worked. I started asking questions about the A, and found out he took her to one of our lunch places. That made it worse, and I felt like crying at dinner. But I kept trying to snap myself out of it. Nothing worked. I stayed in a horrible mood all night. When I was driving home later that night, I felt dead inside. Numb. Then the next day I was in a horrible mood all day again, no matter what I did.

When this happens, how do you stop it? How do you move past the bad feelings? How do you control it? He tried to be supportive, but there was nothing he could say that made me feel better. What can he do in these situations to make it better? How should we interact to overcome situations like this? We've both been reading Not Just Friends, but it hasn't said how to handle this type of stuff. How to move past the bad days. I just couldn't snap myself out of it.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I think what you described in normal. I don't know how far your from your dday but when I wasn't but several months out, FWH and I went to a restaurant that had nothing to do with anything and I burst out crying in front of a group of strangers because a young man was hugging his grandfather. It takes a long time to be able to control your emotions.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)

(((Lonelygirl10)))

What you've described is pretty normal this shortly out from d-day.

Please be gentle on yourself and take good care of yourself.

Things will eventually start to get better.


Posts: 7508 | Registered: Dec 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Be gentle with yourself. Your DDay was just in April? Good lord, at that time, I was still averting my eyes from the hotel that my FWH took his ONS to, which I had to drive by every day. If he had taken her to our house, to our bed, then I think that I would have burned it to the ground. Of course you triggered and triggered hard. Don''t expect that at your stage and the very first time that you''ve been there now that things have sunk in, that you should have been able to snap yourself out of it. I doubt that it would have been possible for any of us. I doubt that I could have walked in the door.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Be gentle with yourself. I think what you describe is perfectly normal. Why couldn't you cry and show him your pain? I think the only way out of all this pain is through it. Your WH should see the force of what he did to you, of what his actions and choices are putting your though. And for you to express your pain and have him comfort and support you can be quite therapeutic. I know the impulse not to be vulnerable in front of him and others, but think about sharing this pain.

Also many have said that the triggers of a tangible nature- Iike his house, etc., may lessen with exposure and of course time. I have a few persistent triggers that no longer overwhelm me, and sometimes don't even register, at 17 months out.

Take care. You are doing great. And are very brave to even go there.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Why couldn't you cry and show him your pain? I think the only way out of all this pain is through it. Your WH should see the force of what he did to you, of what his actions and choices are putting your though. And for you to express your pain and have him comfort and support you can be quite therapeutic. I know the impulse not to be vulnerable in front of him and others, but think about sharing this pain.

I try to control my anger around him. I don't want to yell and scream at him, even if that's what I feel like doing. I know he made horrible decisions, but I just don't want to treat him like that.

I'm not sure why I control my crying. I think this weekend I was scared that if I started crying, I wouldn't stop. I thought the best way to solve how I was feeling was to just get out of the house as quickly as possible, to remove myself from the trigger. But I stayed in a bad mood all weekend, and everything he did annoyed me.

Is there something that your WS says or does that helps in situations like this?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)


Your DDay is so very fresh. be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. These feelings are normal and we all have them.

When this happens, how do you stop it?

I dont stop it. i let the emotions come and deal with it head on. I tell my WH how i am feeling...what made me feel this way...we talk it out. I dont worry about making him uncomfortable or about letting him see me cry.

How do you move past the bad feelings? How do you control it

Sometimes you just cant. And that is OK. Its OK to be sad. Its OK to cry. Its OK to be in a horrible mood. Its OK to feel whatever you feel. This is a long process, and you are allowed to have any emotion you need to have. Give yourself permission to grieve. Its part of the healing process.

What can he do in these situations to make it better?

This is a hard one. Its different for everyone...but ask yourself....what did you WANT him to do? Did you want him to put his arms around you? did you want him to say he was sorry? Did you want him to comfort you? Did you want him to talk to you about the way you were feeling? Did you want him to acknowledge your pain? This is so difficult...i spent many sessions with my MC trying to figure out what WH could do to make me feel better. But sit down and really thing about what your WS can do for you...think about what you need/want and just tell him. Talk to him and tell him what you need. This is something you build over time. I am 7 months past my DDay and my WH and i are still working on this one.



Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I know he made horrible decisions, but I just don't want to treat him like that.

WHY? Why are you trying to shield him from your sadness?

Don't your feelings count? Aren't you the injured party?

Your DD was not long ago. Like days ago. It is not healthy for you to suppress the hurt and anger that you are holding inside.

Trust me, if you send the wrong signals to him regarding his betrayal, he will think everything is OKAY. But is not okay.

I just sat in the shower and cried for a long time. After the shower, I struggled to control my emotions. Part of me wanted to yell at him. Part of me wanted to cry.

Be authentic.

You are feeling the effects of rugsweeping. Please don't do this to yourself. You are the injured party (this merits repeating). You don't have to 'suck it up' because he does not want to be faced with the consequences of his betrayal to you.

Him being so cavalier as to bring you to where the trysts occurred is just cruel. Adds insult to injury.

He does not seem remorseful, just regretful that you figured it out. You need action not words.

'Don't try to comfort me in the room where you had sex with your other lover!'

This is a long road, R. You ask what you can do to stop the crying. You have to heal. That takes time.

Please protect your heart my dear Lonelygirl.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

:( I feel you.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 9