SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: letting him out of my sight
WantinHappiness
New Member
Member # 40109
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 29th (Monday)

We are trying to reconcile, but everyone he is out of my sight I wonder if he is doing it again. Honestly I don't know how he found the time to have an affair in the first place. So, now everytime he is late coming home from work, going to visit his brother, or anything I wonder if he is sleeping with someone. How do you get past this stage? I can't move forward like this nor I watch him 24/7.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: wantinhappiness
Itsgoingtobeok
Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 29th (Monday)

I told my WS that they had to prove to me they can be faithful . That means no unaccountable time


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I felt the same way. The fear and paranoia was overwhelming.

I talked with my fWS about the fear and we came up with plans to ease it.

In the beginning she would send me text messages every 30 min. How much trouble could she get in in 30 min? And if she was, how annoying would it be to have to take a break and send me a text?

She would carry a camera and take pictures with time stamps when she would arrive and leave anywhere she went.

She would show me her phone calls and text and we would compare them to the phone bill to make sure nothing was deleted.

We had a no voice mail rule. She would always answer the phone no matter what. If she was going to be doing something where she couldn't (like a shower) she would let me know a head of time.

Like Itsgoingtobeok said the burden of proof was put on her. At the end if the day, if they are going to cheat they will find a way. But seeing the willingness to do so much to make me feel safe meant more than the proof itself.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

You just registered...... July of this year.... you are so new that I'd be amazed if you weren't feeling this way!
I was soooo paranoid in the beginning, and truthfully still am some today... that and when he is out of town for work very triggery....
Talk to him and tell him... together you can come up with a plan to make sure he is being honest and truthful. You can make plans to call each other, send pics of where he is at, get copies of his itinerary if out of town, get copies of his work schedule, email passwords, phone access, etc.
The key to you feeling better, and him building trust again, if for him to work with you on this and not get angry or defensive... he needs to be an open book now for you and the privacy he once enjoyed is gone! He needs to realize this is his new world and life for now....one he created by his actions... and he needs to do anything and everything to help you move forward...

Posts: 1178 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

All of the advice you've been given so far is great! I use most of those techniques myself.

Just wanted to add that I also installed a locator app on his phone (and the kids') and I am the only admin for the app. It works pretty well. He has been out of town three times since he moved back home and I could track where he was each time. I use it for in-town purposes also. He is mandated as part of R to keep his GPS on so I can always check. He can't tell when I'm checking on him either.

(It also works great for making sure my kids are where they said they would be.)

What you're feeling is very normal. I actually had my first panic attack the night before he left for trip #2. The worry and fear get to all of us at some point. Reconciling is a very hard road to go down - for both of you. It's a whole new world with new rules.

Hang in there!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 788 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
WantinHappiness
New Member
Member # 40109
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Thank you all! This is still new and fresh so its very hard. He has refused to go out of town to work recently because I don't think I can handle it. He goes to work but if he's even ten minutes late I wonder. I've been so stressed, but I'm going to implement some of your suggestions.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: wantinhappiness
Topic Posts: 6