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Just Found Out
User Topic: Blindsided
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I always thought we had an ideal marriage, we've been married 18yrs with 3 kids 16, 11, and 8. We don't fight or argue much. Our sex life was good, or so I thought. I was completely blindsided.

D-Day, four days ago, I received a phone call from the police saying they had my husband in custody, he was physically okay, but was facing multiple felony charges. Luckily (maybe) he was released 'pending further investigation.' Turns out that for the past year, he's been posting ads on Craig's List looking for women for sexual contact. He admitted that at least once it included intercourse, but they did use protection. He was arrested because the latest person to respond to his ad was an under aged girl, who's mother saw the emails.

WTF!!!!!

It has only been four days, but I feel like I've lived a couple of years since then. A complete emotional rollercoaster. He is very remorseful, willing to do IC and MC (in fact is lawyer recommends it). I'm already in IC for chronic depression. He has done some deflecting of responsibility because this all started during my last major depressive episode, but I understand that HE is the one who CHOSE to respond by betraying our marriage vows. I have a lot invested in our lives together, so I have decided to fight for our marriage. Once I made that decision (about 30 hours into this nightmare), we started focusing on damage control for the legal situation. Unfortunately, that puts my feelings on the back burner.

I still love him, and I know I should be angry with him. Sometimes I am, but I'm still very detached from my emotions right now. I figure I'll have a spectacular melt-down once this all hits me and the numbness wears off. Mainly I feel like a huge idiot for not seeing any of this coming.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

First, I would advise some investigation of how previous ads were worded. This willl help you (and his lawyers) to determine or prove he was not trolling for minors if the wording in his ads or responses was not to look for minors. If the underage girl answered his ad without him aware she was underage, and that could be proved, that will help him legally. Consider your marriage issue on the backburner for now because you've got hell about to rain over you if this becomes a sex offender case.

You may be able to get computer experts to look in your computer. Someone here may understand who to hire for computer forensics, and how it's done. If he's never advertised for underage girls, but has sought hookups from other online sites, then the evidence from the computer from other online hookup sites and the wording he put on those sites when seeking hookups for adult women of legal age may actually help him prove he wasn't out to prey on the young. That wording would make the difference between having his photo on the "sex offender" list in your neighborhood, or not. He will likely be convicted for soliciting a prostitute, unless lawyer can find a legal way out of it. But soliciting a minor is a whole different (worse) problem legally to be charged with.

Can you imagine your kids trying to make friends with other kids and the neighbors thinking you're the "sex offender" family, which in the U.S. you're required to report if convicted on statutory or soliciting a minor charge? I can't see acceptance happening for you or your kids, either, if he gets convicted and must register as one and you're known as the "offender" family down the street. Can't see him getting a job or keep one easily, with that status, either. So get going on the legal stuff and stop worrying about recovering a marriage yet. You've got a world of problems that makes cheating look like a small deal.

Advice: If he was looking for underage hookups, then don't bother to waste your energy to reconcile since that tends to be a sickness few will recover from if the guy has a kink for it to be minors of not reaching above a certain age. You would be in a no-win situation legally, and your kids would receive the stigma they didn't deserve.

Also, if you lived separated and divorced, and not living together, you wouldn't be a household considered an offender household if he didn't live there.

Search for the truth, first. If he was caught up in that nationwide sting of pimps running underage girls this week, then they will prosecute aggressively so look realistically at the situation. If he is innocent of that part of it, at least, then you'll have to prove that he couldn't have known she was a minor.

If he was searching for minors, you can't stay with him. Just can't. It would be contorted, and you and your kids would be better off without him in the house.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:59 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

^^^agree. And don''t worry about you not feeling anger, or feeling flat right now. That''s your body and mind protecting you. You are very correct in that you are going to have one hell of a melt-down at some point, so don''t be surprised when it happens.

Please come back often for support.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

(((gemini)))

What a horrible situation.

Please come back here for help and support.

I'm sorry


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

In a way it's reassuring that other people think it's okay for me to focus on the legal issues first. I've kind of decided on that already. I'm a stay-at-home mom and everything we own is in both our names. At this point, our lives are so entwined that whatever happens to him, will seriously effect me.

I'm doing my best to compartmentalize. I've broken it down into 3 issues. First and foremost are the legal ramifications. We don't know what level of charges they will file, Misdemeanor or Felony. He's retained a lawyer and is going to see a Forensic Psychologist to 'prep' for whatever comes. Secondly, he needs to get IC. That is a requirement for my support. No negotiations. Finally, we need to have MC. I've laid out a rough timeline for him, so he knows my expectations.

He's extremely remorseful, but..... I had to find out by his being arrested. He did NOT chose to tell me. Is he sorry he cheated or sorry that he got caught? The last woman he was communicating with turned out to be a 15 yo girl. Our daughter is 16!!!!!!! Ah well. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. The roller coaster will probably last for quite a while.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

It sounds like he's bailed out, correct?
I hope you do not let him near any tools he may have used - phone, computer, etc.
Bailed or not, you're talking to him.
Has he denied seeking out minors to you?
The answer to that one question will change everything.

The truth will out.

I suspect he knew.


Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Not a lawyer - so take what you need and leave the rest as we say -
Wouldn't the police seize the computer as part of the investigation?

I'm sorry this has happened to you.


Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Actually, he was 'taken into custody for questioning' and then 'released pending further investigation.' No official arrest yet, but it's coming. They lawyer says that if he ends up with no charges, my WH should go buy a Lotto ticket.

All his communication was via smartphone, and the cops already have that. We're talking about replacing it with a dumb phone since he needs it for work. So far no search warrent for home computers.

One problem is that he is a computer programmer, so I cannot ban him from technology completely. But, depending on the charges, the law could do that for me, in which case our family is financially screwed.

At the moment, I'm just drained emotionally. I think I'm gonna make some dinner and then take the kids out for ice cream. They're great kids, and I'll take my joy wherever I can find it.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

What an incredibly brave woman you are. You have put your children and family ahead of yourself. Wow. Wish we could all get to know you. In the down moments remember what an amazing person you are for having even considered that. As far as the legalities do not touch the computer, give it to the lawyer. The police may search it but under no circumstances do you alter anything on it. Whatever happens in the legal situation, which may very well require him moving from the home, you have to b free and clear. Hire a good lawyer and you stay out of it.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

What an incredibly brave woman you are. You have put your children and family ahead of yourself. Wow. Wish we could all get to know you. In the down moments remember what an amazing person you are for having even considered that. As far as the legalities do not touch the computer, give it to the lawyer. The police may search it but under no circumstances do you alter anything on it. Whatever happens in the legal situation, which may very well require him moving from the home, you have to b free and clear. Hire a good lawyer and you stay out of it.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

He needs sex addiction counselor STAT.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Oh dear. I was afraid you would avoid the question.
You are brave and strong.
Most of us would have melted to a puddle by now - and you go out for ice cream - what a wonderful lady!

The question. Still remains.
I am so sorry.


Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

You may be able to get computer experts to look in your computer

Don't touch the computer.

You don't know what is going on here, but your computer may well end up being evidence, and you don't want anyone to touch it, other than the police, and then only if they have a warrant that is properly served.

You may have stuff on there that you don't even want to imagine.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 970 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

No doubt you are in a horrible situation. I can't even imagine getting a call that my husband was arrested.

I understand that you are a SAHM, but at the end of the day, you may want to consider getting a job. Sounds like your kids are old enough to be in school. Any decisions down the road will be a little easier if you have some finances of your own.

What does he say about the girl's age?


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Heavy Sigh hit all the nails directly on the head. It will all come down to if he was trolling for minors or even willing to engage with a minor. I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

According to my WS, he was not looking for minors. I tend to believe him because the respondent to the first ad was an adult, and that is what led to the actual cheating. However, I have seen enough posts here to know that cheaters are liars. I do believe that he is addicted to internet porn, and it has been slowly escalating, which leads to very poor decision making, a hallmark of sex addiction.

His lawyer has suggested that there are some things that I should not know about. I'm willing to go along with that for now, mainly because I feel we both need IC before we start MC. Once we start MC, and we get to the Disclosure stage, he will need to be completely honest.

As you can tell, I've been doing a lot of reading on Sex Addiction and the steps to recovery. It's helping me to 'intellectualize' our situation and avoid my emotions, for now. I am so glad that this forum is here, so I can talk about these issues anonymously. Because of the legal issues, I have to be very careful about what I say in RL. I do have some close friends that will support me no matter what the situation, but I don't want to put them in an awkward legal position. We did have a frank discussion with my folks (because they are bank rolling the lawyer fees), and his parents (they are a pastor/counselor) about the situation, which nearly gave the lawyer an stroke. But he'll just have to deal with it.

My SAWH went back to work yesterday, and there was an unmarked cop car outside the building. He almost had a panic attack until he realized it wasn't there for him. Is it wrong that I felt a glimmer of glee when he told me this? It also amused me when his father explained why they weren't yelling at him. "Yelling is used to prevent a behavior. It does no good after the fact." This arrest could be the rock bottom he needed to really admit his problem. As for me, I'm enjoying the detachment while I still can.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)

This is awful. I'm sorry. Heavy Sigh said all that needs to be said.

If you need any validation of your pain, here it is: I'm living in hell after my WW had a nine-month A, but I would not trade places with you. I'm so, so sorry.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Did the lawyer say what his reasons were for feeling that there are some things you should not know about?

There was a major sting operation a couple days ago related to minors being used as sex slaves - I assume this wasn't related to that?

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 12:46 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

Well bless you, Gemini. This cannot be easy.

I'm afraid some of us are a bit confused. I get that your husband was running ads looking for women on Craigslist for extra-marital sex.

The confusing part is where the young teenage girls come into play.

If his ads were looking for adult women, how did a teenager get involved in answering his ad? Was she a young prostitute looking to drum up business, or a young girl with daddy issues? I can't imagine why any teenage girl would trawl Craigslist looking for middle-aged married guys. I don't get it.

I'm kind of getting the feeling that this piece of information is one of the things his lawyer doesn't want you to know about right now.

You sure seem like a strong lady. Sending you much strength and positive thoughts.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Evil  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

You never ever expected this. Nothing can prepare you for this.

This is not "irreconcilable differences". This is bigger and badder than you ever thought. This is ultimate betrayal. This has hurt you deep to the core. This has shaken everything that you thought you were, made you question everything that you have ever done.

No one will really understand unless they have been through it. And even then, every situation is different.

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience. You have just been run over by an emotional Mac Truck. You are broken mentally and emotionally. Your family and friends do not see the injuries, but they are there. And it takes the same amount of time and work to heal from this as it does from a bad auto accident.

You are tired, worn out and exhausted. (((BIG HUGS)))

But please know this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't feel like an idiot for trusting and loving your husband.

Write about it. You will not "get over" this a couple months or even a year.

You WILL begin to heal, but you it takes a long time to heal completely. Cry and scream and beat up the garbage can. Get your anger and disappointment and hurt out. Do not stuff it down just because someone else expects you to.

This healing time is YOUR time. It is your time to take control of your life and your own emotions and healing. You own it and you get to decide how it will work and how long it will take to heal.

Has your husband shown any remorse? Are you sure there is NC? Is IC possible for you?

I am so sorry you are still hurting.

We are all here and we care.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)

(((hugs)))
So sorry you find yourself in this situation.
You seem to be looking at things logically right now, which can make things easier at times.
Make sure you're taking care of YOU.
Sending positive thoughts.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, August 1st (Thursday)

I am so sorry you're going through this. Has he gone near his computer? If I were you I would lock that thing in a safe to make sure he's not deleting things.

So did he actually meet the girl in person or did they just email about meeting? Does your daughter know about this?

Stay strong. I don't know what the laws are, but can you put things (house) into your name only so you're protected? Sending you big, HUGE hugs.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

(((Gemini)))

I am so very sorry this is happening to you. There is a reference thread specifically for those with a WS into anonymous encounters and prostitutes here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550

that will direct you in many of the things you need to do (STD testing, legal stuff, etc.) However the suggestions are not specific to charges dealing with soliciting minors. You may want to add what you learn about that as you go to that thread.

I totally get diving into compartmentalizing, focusing on the legal, etc during this difficult time. BTDT. But if you do not realize you are critically wounded now, and need to address that ASAP, you will not be able to do these legal/parenting/etc tasks to a level of ability that will best serve you and your family.

You need IC for you, and your daughter, ASAP. You should consider having your daughter live with your parents or somewhere else until you find out more about the truth. Or have your WH live with his parents, whatever. To be sure your daughter is safe, for starters, but also so her friends will feel safe visiting her and providing her support during this time. Also, because YOU may need some distance to be able to focus on YOU. I'm not saying cut him off, I am saying having him live primarily elsewhere until you have more verified facts on hand.

Get to a S-Anon meeting ASAP. They can connect you with others that have had similar issues with the law, with the impact of such charges on his earning ability, with you being the SAHP, etc and give you the appropriate IRL support you need now.

Keep posting. Even about stuff that doesn't seem like much. There are so many people here with such good ideas and experience that can help you. Consider SI a lifeline.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

His lawyer has suggested that there are some things that I should not know about. I'm willing to go along with that for now, mainly because I feel we both need IC before we start MC. Once we start MC, and we get to the Disclosure stage, he will need to be completely honest.

Um. It's his lawyer's job to protect his client. I don't think that I would be taking his lawyer's advice at all.

Do YOU have a lawyer?


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday)

Well, I've had my first IC session since D-Day. It was nice to not have to be the strong one, not have to worry about the legal implications of what I was saying. I now have a regular weekly appointment instead of my 2-3 month meds check for chronic depression. My IC agrees that the kids don't need to know what's going on until they have to (i.e. WH gets arrested), and to keep the details sparce.

My daughter has IC as well for ADHD and other issues. She had an appt yesterday. I wasn't too surprised when I was called into the session and she was crying. (She was home when I first got the news my SAWH was is custody and I was a complete mess. Couldn't hide from her that something was going on.) She was upset that she didn't know what was happening. I told her that I would not lie to her, and I would tell her as much as she needed/wanted to know. I explained that her dad was picked up for questioning and released pending further investigation. We had retained a lawyer for advice, and it was possible her dad would be arrested. I explained to her how that would work, and what we would do at that time. That calmed her down. My D decided that's all she really needed to know. She is totally cool! (Her IC is also my IC, so the IC knows the whole story now and will also keep an eye out for any signs that my SAWH ever messed with her. I do not believe he ever did, but I can't trust my judgement of him right now.)

When I told my SAWH about this last night, he looked so sad that he actions have cause our daughter pain. (And she doesn't and hopefully won't know the worst of it.) I have no sympathy for his pain in this regard. He caused this situation, he'll have to take responsibility for all the people getting hurt by the fall out!

Maybe this means I'm starting to move past Denial and into Anger. I kinda hope so.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 5th (Monday)

Finally crying. Which would be good, except it's scaring our 7 yo. Which just makes me mad at WH for creating this situation.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 5th (Monday)

((((Gemini))))
It's ok to cry. I'm so sorry for this pain, it's crushing. I wanted to reply and offers support to you. I am 2 yrs out, our situations are different as my fwh had a 3 yr lta that was revealed via the ow bh. I too was blindsided. At the time my oldest was almost 5 and I had a 2 yr old and 10 month old. Having my oldest see me cry was hard. For the most part I did my crying in the shower but he did see me and ask what was wrong. I told him that someone had really hurt my feelings and my heart hurt but reassured him that I would be ok. It was very simple and he understood.

You are amazingly strong and doing very well in this horrible situation. Remember you are human too and are going through a tragedy right now. It's ok to stop and cry. Enlist family and friends to help you as you have so much to process right now. As for your husband- yes, he obviously has a serious issue. The truth will come out because it is in the hands of the law. If he was soliciting minors there will be legal repercussions. If not he still has a mountain of personal repercussions to face. He put you at huge risk personally and with your health. Right now I'd let him take the lead in dealing with his issues legally and otherwise and you continue to take care of yourself and children. Continue IC and be sure to eat and drink water, sleep, and take time just for yourself. This is really hell and as I said before it is soul crushing. Keep posting as we are here to support you.

Ps. I'm posting via my phone so I apologize for grammar and punctuation!!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I am more than angry now. I think I've been very patient and understanding.

So the WS saw the forensic psychiatrist yesterday. He got home early and we talked and actually cuddled for a bit. Today he mentioned that he spoke with the lawyer who recommended that he put off IC for a while until the legal situation clarifies. I found this upsetting, because I viewed his starting IC as a necessary step for us to start talking more about 'us' and not just the 'situation.' I'm really starting to be plagued by questions about his encounter (the one with the consenting adult that led to the actual cheating).

So when we were alone tonight I asked when he would feel ready to give full disclosure. He wanted to know what more I felt he was keeping from me. Well where do I start. I want to know what the ads said that he posted on Craig's List. How many times did they meet? What did they do? Where did they meet? How many times did they sleep together? Does he even know her real name? All these questions were met with silence. So I asked him if he had anything to say, he said, "Not right now." I asked when would he feel he could tell me, he said, "I don't know." Is there anything I can say to you that will get you to open up to me? "No not right now." I explained how I need these answers for my own recovery, and the more he delays, the less I trust that he has told me everything.

He has NO idea how hurtful this is to me. I cannot put my recovery on hold while he sorts out this mess. These questions will NOT go away.

So tonight, I'm on the couch fuming. If he can't start giving me some answers, he will be jeopardizing our chances at R. I may even ask him to go stay at his brother's house until he can own up to his actions. Hell, I'm tempted to go wake him up! Why should he sleep while I'm going through hell?

I'll give myself til morning to calm down, but if I still feel the same way, and he's still not talking, he'll be coming home to his bags packed.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 1:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

(((hugs)))

What a difficult situation. I am so sorry.

I know a little bit about Craigslist. If he was posting ads (and it sounds like that is the case) then what he posted should be visible when logged into his account. When I was investigating CL a few years ago, ads were NOT DELETABLE. Even if they were no longer active or visible on CL, they were visible as history for the account. I saw years worth of posts...

Given that I would think that at some point you could have those questions answered.

I would be very uncomfortable being in the dark and hearing the "legal" excuse for keeping you uninformed. How frustrating!!

((hugs))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Hugs to you. You are doing a great job. You sound super strong. Take care of yourself. Crying is ok. You and IC did a great job with your daughter as well.

Have IC or lawyers said anything about whether he needs to stay in your house? I wonder if it would be better or worse on you and the kids to have him there. To have the arrest and legal stuff unfold, while you are trying to hold it together and mourn the loss of your marriage as you knew it, and start to heal. And trying to keep things calm enough for kids. And soon for back to school. All with him in the house vs. out. I don't know but I would probably talk with my IC at least. Especially with you feeling like you are and him responding to your questions in that way as well.

Take care. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I'm not feeling very strong at the moment. I couldn't sleep, so I went snooping on his computer. Found photos of him and another woman who's a mutual aquaintance of ours. It gave the appearance of more than just a casual encounter.

So I woke him up at 2:30am demanding the truth or his ass was out the door. It wasn't until I was packing his bag that he finally started answering my questions, after saying "I don't know what difference it's gonna make at this point."

He claims those pictures where just 'morphs', and they were teasing each other, no real encounter. Of course this is after denying there were any pictures in the first place, and then there were no pictures of them together. So I don't believe a word he says at this point.

I did finally get some questions answered about the PA he confessed to. It was more than I had thought. Not that it matters at this point. He didn't really tell me voluntarily, it was all under threat of eviction. So he basically betrayed my trust AGAIN.

I'm also really doubting the sincerity of his remorse at this time. I think he's just sorry he got caught. And I never would have known if he hadn't tried to meet up with a 15 year old...

I need to do some thinking. This whole situation may just be too much to deal with.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 4:19 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Completelybroken
Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I cant offer much but ((hugs)) and your not alone at 345 in the morning :-)


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

It gets worse. He's been exchanging intimate photos with my best friend of 30 years. And the more I think about it, those were NOT morphed pictures with the mutual aquaintance. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from all this TT. I'm done. Asking him to move out a.s.a.p. and this time I'M getting a lawyer.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Mack9512
Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Just sending ((((Blindsided)))

Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

(((hugs)))

Hang in there. I think him moving out and you getting a L are good decisions. YOU have to protect YOU and his legal issues are more than you should take on under the circumstances in my opinion.

Do you have family near by? A friend who is NOT sexting with your WH? Let these people feed you and support you in real life the same way they would if there had been a sudden death. Your trust did die! Let people help you.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Gemini, I'm sorry you are in this mess. I have to say though, as you begin investigating and finding more...you are going to continue to find more. Steel yourself to this reality. The double betrayal with your best friend is horrific.

Get tested for STDs asap. It is good you are seeing a lawyer. I have the feeling there is going to be much more to this story. I am so, so sorry.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

I packed the SAWH off to his brother's house.

This is my plan for the future.

I have an appt with my IC and a full physical scheduled for tomorrow. Appointment with lawyer is Saturday. I do believe that WH has never been inappropriate with my DD. Not because he said so, but because SHE said so. Though I will bring it up privately with her IC as something to be aware of.

I will Focus on what I DO have.

Luckily my parents live nearby and are willing and able to support me emotionally and financially through this. I do have supportive friends OL and IRL who are appalled at the betrayals I have experienced. I have three wonderful children who love me and need me to protect them.

I will repeat the following and 'Fake it until I make it true.'

I have come to the sad realization that I cannot trust a word out of SAWH's mouth. He is NOT the man I thought he was, and the marriage I'm morning never really existed. SAWH is broken and has many issues he needs to deal with. Maybe he will come out of the fog and work for recovery, but it is something he will have to do for himself. I cannot do it for him. All I can do is deal with this crappy situation the best way possible. I do not have any energy to waste on him or my former friend.

My mind knows all this, now I just have to give my heart the time and space to catch up.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 2:53 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Oh my dear Gemini... wife of a recovering SA here...
Many, many hugs. Sadly, your WH may have the easy part now. He can get into recovery, find a sponsor, a CSAT for IC, work the steps, and choose to live a new life of integrity. We spouses, on the other hand, are left holding a bag of crap, where once we thought we had a marriage.
Please seek out a support group in your area, SANON or COSA. The groups are anonymous, you share whatever you want. I promise you, you aren't the first one whose husband's were facing legal issues. As a matter of fact, there is another SI member with a similar story, SAFWH lost a good job, I'm not dude if their were legal issues as well, but their's has been a happy ending.
Primarily, you and your kids must be the focus... You didn't cause this can't control it can't cure it....


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

You've got a real piece of work on your hands and the mess he created for you and everybody else in his environment for that matter! Here is my problem with this. You've got a heap load of legal shit you're wading through along with potentially being married to one whose mug is heading for the registry, your parents are paying his legal fees, you're at risk for all manner of STDs and last but not least, your kids have been blindsided too along with traumatized and will likely learn the details somewhere along the line...

And when you ask questions, he won't cough up answers???? WTF? You need to give serious consideration that this may be far too much for you and surely your kids. Add to that his absolute soul sucking selfishness and your sanity may hinge on getting away from him.

For the record, I believe he's lying about not seeking underage girls. His lawyer indicated there are some things you're best not knowing and it can't get much worse than what you already know besides if he was actively seeking young teens. And this is something you are going to have to get some verifiable proof of one way or the other to know how to best protect yourself and your kids. I'd start with Craigslist. ((((Hugs))))


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
donotlietome
Member
Member # 26478
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

Hugs to you. You are doing great!! So strong. Your kids are lucky to have you.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Dec 2009
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I've been on Craig's List to look for his ads, but I'm not sure what dates he posted and there are literally hundreds of WHs out there looking for APs. I don't know his user ID or member # and he took his computer with him when I kicked him out. Given his lack of disclosure so far, I think the odds of him giving me his logon info are slim to none. Any suggestions?

P.S. My parents will not pay any more of his legal fees. He can go to his folks for help if he wants. My only concern for his legal situation now is how it will effect his ability to pay support. Plus I really don't want to have to take my kids to visit him in jail. I'm not sure how encarceration effects visitation rights. Just one of the many reasons I want to get our situation clarified.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I am 100% sure I want a Legal Separation. Here in Illinois, it's like a divorce, but without actually ending the marriage. It allows for the teeny tiny chance that I might want him back after he has counseling and treatment. Most likely it will just 'morph' (like his pictures) into a Divorce.

We need to work on living arrangements, support, and custody issues so that the kids can know what to expect. Their lives are in such upheaval, I want to give them whatever stability I can. When we told them that WH was going to stay at his brothers, I did most of the talking (of course, 'cause WH can't face consequences of his actions). Made sure to point out that this is because of problems between Mom and Dad, they (the kids) had nothing to do with it. 16yo was upset, she gets what's going on. 11yo was confused but okay. 8yo was totally oblivious "Okay. Bye Dad." It's kind of a wake up call for me to see how little they've missed him so far. I'm assuming that will change with time.

When we meet this weekend for a 'status update' on where we stand, should I mention that I want a Legal Separation? If he doesn't like it, the only other option I have for him is Divorce. I cannot even imagine letting him back into our home at this time.

Has it really been less that 2 weeks since D-Day #1? I feel like I've lived through months of hell since then. My feeling towards my spouse and my marriage have done a complete 180. Am I moving too fast? Not really sure it matters at this point.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
traildad
Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I think how you feel is appropriate for your situation. Some move faster than others, and having your WH and his situation away from your house is for the best. Also, it would seem from your posts that you know there is more that he has done that you may not even want know, and you may feel it's not worth pushing through all of that to R.

Anyway, trust yourself, you are in full blown adrenaline, family protection mode. You have clarity. At some point when things settle you are gonna start to feel the hurt and grieve, and it will be tough. But right now you are doing what is right for your kids.

Get yourself and your kids protected legally. Hope for the best outcome for your H for the sake of support and your children, but keep yourself far enough removed to keel your sanity and ability to be there for your kids and grieve at the same time.

Your are doing an amazing job, superhuman.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 8th (Thursday)

I am glad to see the updates. It looks like you are in "get it done" mode. Emotions may be taking a back seat because you have stuff that must get done!!

As for the CL account. If you knew or had access to the email linked to his account, you could get a password reset. It used to be that the user name was the email account linked to the CL account and that is where the emails in response to his ads would come. I haven't had to visit the online horror of CL for many years so I don't know if my experience is accurate for current accounts. Please don't torture yourself looking for "his" ads online!! I almost lost all hope for humanity trolling through those ads...

Can you get a free or hour consult for minimal cost with a L? Every state is different with what legal separation is and how it is obtained. I don't see why it is a secret or something that you have to discuss with him this weekend unless you want to discuss the terms of it with regard to visitation and support going forward.

You are doing great. I am glad your parents have removed themselves from his support team financially. You sound on top of things and capable and strong.

When you don't feel that way, come back and read your posts. You have it together!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 9th (Friday)

Warning! This post may contain TMI as it discusses STDs

And the hits just keep on coming. At my appointment yesterday, my doctor ordered blood tests, did swabs etc. Turns out I have Trichomoniasis. Sucks, and is automatic grounds for divorce in Illinois.

But what really burns me, is that I know for a fact, that my 'so-called' best friend had this infection this past year. We shared a lot things, but I really didn't expect an STD to be one of them.

I texted the WH asking for the online OW's name and phone number so she can be contacted by the doctor/health dept/whoever does that sort of thing. Also so he can get treatment, or he'll just keep spreading this around CL. I hope he feels like shit over this, but I doubt it. That would require a conscience.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 9th (Friday)

It does suck, but don't expect remorse. A similar thing happened to me and my X said that the doctor was lying. Even though he knew the doctor had prescribed medication, etc. The doctor made it up.

Right - can you say delusional.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 9th (Friday)

I am so sorry Gemini. I can imagine this feels like yet another level of betrayal.

The STD testing thing was so hard for me that I had a full blown panic attack at the doctor's office. The upside was he prescribed anti-anxiety meds on the spot and was very sympathetic.

You should feel proud of yourself for being so proactive and in control.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Helpless  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

This sucks. WH just picked up the kids to take them to church and then brunch today. We're supposed to 'talk' afterward. It's our first taste of a 'child exchange' and it was awkward and sad.

I am riding such a pendulum swing of emotions. There are times I just want to divorce his a$$, and others when I miss him so much, and I really want him back. I keep telling myself that the Legal Separation is the best option because I am in no condition to make a permanent decision. It's hard to tell if I'm being strong or just stubborn.

This isn't even considering the possible legal troubles. I just don't have the energy to deal with something that might or might not ever happen. I have enough to deal with already.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

Why not be strong and stubborn?
Look, this is someone who risked your very life. Remember that when you're feeling wobbly.
He also took the computer: evidence tampering.
Stay away from him and his legal troubles.
Use the time to strengthen yourself & bond like crazy with the littles to protect them too.

I find it hard to believe - what he's saying @ not knowing it was a minor.
That's what the lawyer isn't telling you, I believe...

Just stay strong, in control during today's "talk".
Listen. Listen hard. Do your best not to react.
Sending cool, calm, collected to you Gemini!


Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 11th (Sunday)

(((Gemini)))

You are doing great! You are strong. You may not feel like it right now, but you are a strong woman and great mom!

Your emotions are all over the place and they should be. You are doing fine for what you have been dealt.

One day at a time!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1475 | Registered: Jun 2012
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

So I talked with my WH today. He's agreeable to the Legal Separation. I half expected him to want a divorce so he could continue his online dating. But he seems very remorseful and wants to work toward reconciliation. I'm still think he's sorry for the mess he's put himself in more that the actions that got him there. He'll look for a place to live so the kids and I will stay in the house.

I laid out my requirements for attempting to reconcile.
1. WH treated for SA by CSAT asap.
2. 3-6 months sexual sobriety. (no porn, no sexting, no web sites, no CL)
3. MC in 3-6 months. (He has a lot of IC work to do first)
4. Full disclosure.
5. Complete honesty.
6. Keep me in the legal loop.
7. I get to see the Forensic Psych report, and there can be NO pedophilic tendencies. DEAL BREAKER.

I did my best to remain calm and detached. He is clearly hurting bad, but I didn't back down from my position. He is still very closed off emotionally. I made no promises for the future. We'll just have to see what comes.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 11th (Sunday)

Ya done good! Way to go!
Don't
Back
Down

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Hubby agrees to all my requirements for R.

Saw the lawyer today, and it made me realize that I really do want to try to R. But I'm gonna stick to my requirements. The Legal Separation sounds like something we can do on our own, since we are talking to each other amicably. I'll save my money for if it all goes south and I need to file for divorce.

Sometimes I just miss him so much. It's really hard after I see him, and now the kids are starting to miss him too.

I'm telling myself, not to make any hasty decisions. I'm giving myself until the weekend before deciding to file for Legal Separation at this time. I know I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and I'll probably feel different again tomorrow.

First S-Anon meeting tomorrow, and SAWH has first counseling appt tomorrow as well. Just feeling very confused, so it's a good time to take a step back...and breath...

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 11:13 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Breathing is good. I am glad you are getting a support group and your WH is getting help as well.

Just remember, the types of decisions you are facing right now are the kind that you can change your mind about. Having a contingency plan is super smart.

You are doing great!

One word of advice: Let your "real world" support team know what you need. If it is to listen, or to help with food, or child care, or driving you around. Whatever thing that seems overwhelming, let someone know. Or if you have "too much help" then let them know you need space- how much and a time frame. It is hard to see people we care about hurting, and to have no idea how to help.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5816 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I hope you are doing well. You're story is one of the saddest I have read in a long time. My thoughts are with you and your family.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure if I'm backsliding, or just getting prepared.

I'm letting my SAWH move into the basement of our house. I think he'll have a better chance at recovery if he's under the same roof his family, plus I'll know more what's going on. We've barely communicated the week he's been at his brother's house, and I feel like that has put us on pause. I feel that we need to be able to talk to be able to move forward to wherever we're going.

I also have a lot more information from the lawyer about what it will take to separate our financial lives, whether it be through a Legal Separation or a Divorce. I've pretty much decided that if I do leave him, it will be Divorce, not the LS. LS seems kinda like a waste of time.

So, we'll be under the same roof so I can monitor his recovery, and we'll both be there for the kids. I'm making finding a job priority one as soon as school starts next week. If he's serious about R, we'll be able to work on it together. If not, he'll come home to an empty house and D papers. The ball is in his court. He needs to prove to me by his actions that he is changing and that I should stay.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 15th (Thursday)

So much for being under the same roof. Trickle Truth has just about killed any chance of R.

On Tues we talked and he admitted to having oral sex from my XBFF. It hurt, but he seemed to be opening up, so I put that aside. XBFF has lately been giving OS to just about anyone.

On Weds I had IC, and realized that he confessed by answering my yes or no question. No information volunteered, and I didn't think to ask further at the time. This raised some concerns for me about his remorse. Also had dinner with some family who is VERY anti-SAWH. This was not unexpected but did raise some valid trust issues.

So I called him Weds night to discuss trust. He did some blame shifting, pointing out how it was hard for him to initiate sex while I was in my depression. (poor F'n baby ) I called him back after thinking for a while and called bullsh@% on his blame shifting. I also asked bluntly if he had sex with XBFF. He said yes. Once again, a devastating one word answer. Hurt once again by having to drag the horrible truth out of him, I told SAWH to make plans to move into his own apartment instead of the basement. Besides, how do I know what other yes/no questions I should be asking of him, but just haven't imagined yet.

This morning I called the lawyer's office, gave them their retainer, and asked that the file be amended to a petition for Divorce instead of Legal Separation. I'm done. I've been willing to work past a whole lot of sh@% from him these past 3 weeks, but screwing my BFF was the last straw.

Sometimes "Sorry" just isn't enough. (Sigh)


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

It's official. Gave the attorney the go ahead to file D papers. Never thought I'd be doing this, but then, I never thought he'd do what he did. It's amazing how quickly one's life can change.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

It's official. Gave the attorney the go ahead to file D papers. Never thought I'd be doing this, but then, I never thought he'd do what he did. It's amazing how quickly one's life can change.

I honestly think this is the wisest move you could have made. I just couldn't think of one positive thing to say when I saw he'd moved into the basement and you were considering reconciliation. I just had a bad feeling in my gut for you when I read that.

I honestly believe you're o the right path, even if it might not feel like it, just yet.

I wish you much luck and success in your healing journey.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

So the papers were filed on the 6th. WH acts like that ended everything, quit wearing his wedding ring, quit going to SA meetings, quit worrying about getting the bills paid.

So now we have no money to pay the mortgage. WH's response? "I don't know what to do." Guess he'd care more if I told him we didn't have money for his rent or cable bill. But I'll be nice, since I have no income of my own, and he's still allowing me access to his money until we have an official support order. If he doesn't care, I'll do whatever's best for the kids and I. We'll stay in the house until the bank Forecloses, and I'll have a nearby rental lined up for us to go to. It'll trash both of our credit ratings, but I'll survive. To be honest, we'd still have these financial issues if we were just Separating vs. Divorcing.

My DD is distraught that we'll be moving, and is starting to realize that this is pretty much her dad's doing. I hate seeing the pain this is causing the kids. All I can do is be there for them, and love them like crazy.

Seeing how WH is abdicating all his responsibilities just reinforces my decision to D. As Dear Abby used to ask, 'are you better off with him, or without him?' We're getting along just fine without him.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

(((Gem)))
I just read this thread from beginning to end, and I tell you what. YOU are one tough, smart, capable, rocking woman. You my dear have my greatest respect.

I know it still hurts, and you are dealing with all kinds of stress, but you will make it. How's the job hunt going? I would certainly make sure you get input from your attorney on how to proceed financially. It seems to me there is some fair lending clause about being left high and dry to protect SAHM's. I could be wrong, but......

You mentioned your depression a couple of times, but sister look at what you are doing, and havce done in the past couple of months. Now he is out of your home, and is STBXWH. Although it's hard, I am hearing ZERO depression from you. I hear a strong liberated woman, wonder if that depression was more from having to live with a NPD SA spouse.

Keep going, stay strong, love those kids, and find peace in the fact that you are limiting the drama in their lives.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

So now that we are facing not being able to make mortgage payments, my STBXWH has suggested that he live in the house (putting his rent money back into the communal pot) and that the kids and I go live with my folks. That would keep my DD's official address in the school district and she could drive 20 miles to and from school each day. He would 'get a roommate' to make up the rest of the mortgage money.

WTF???!!!!!

If we do that, it might be better just to have us all live here with either him or I living in the basement. But I'm not sure how I'd feel about that either. Cannot, will not leave him alone with DD.

It's all just a bad idea. Letting the house go into foreclosure just started to look a lot better.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

In total agreement with Heavy Sigh. You need to get more information before you decide to reconcile. Your first job is to protect your kids and it doesn't take much for a social worker to make a big deal out of "child endangerment" charges. Good luck.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

It would not be reconciling, it would be sharing a house. I'm still going through with the divorce (in our state physical separation isn't required for D like it is for LS). Maybe we could put in the settlement that the house would go on the market once school is out. This would definitely not be a long term solution.

The whole suggestion just sounds odd to me. I definitely need some SI wisdom to help me evaluate this.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I vote to keep away. Take the financial hit, (the credit hit) move schools, whatever it takes. Keep away.
That's my wisdom on the deal. I got plenty of hugs though!

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 20th (Friday)

NO! He needs to move out. Tell him to get a studio apartment in a shit hole. What about HIS family, can't he go live with one of them? Do NOT let him live in your house. You and your daughter have gone through enough. Take the financial hit. Make a plan to sell the house when school is out. Tell him to go get a second job. YOU should not be responsible for fixing this shit show HE created.
Hugs to you - you're doing an amazing job under very rough circumstances.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 20th (Friday)

Agree with Cliffside & jjct.
For once, let him put you & your children first.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I agree 100% that you need advice and answers, but there are so many variables that only you know what is the best course.

If I understand this so far, this is what we have:

1. You are a SAHM with no income;

2. You have filed for a divorce;

The question now is what to do about the house, school, etc.

House:
1. House - you cannot afford to live there without your WH;
2. If he lives there he will get a roommate to help cover the mtg.
3. If you all live there, can he then cover the mortgage?

School:
Is your daughter graduating from this school? If not, then it's a moot point - she will have to switch now or switch next year.

If there is the slightest chance that you will R, then you do not want to be moving the kids from school to school

Foreclosure
Do you have any equity in this house? If so, you may want to put it on the market and sell it before the bank forecloses.

If you don't have much equity, then forget it, let the bank have it. It takes many many months to get someone out of their house on a foreclosure. You could live there for close to a year without paying any mortgage before you get evicted.

If you divorce, does your husband make enough to pay child support and maintenance so that you can live? Any child support you do get, will be for 3 children, but in 2 short years, one of those children will be 18 and CS will be down to 2 kids.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I've decided that there is no way we'll live under the same roof again. It would be way to confusing for the kids because I have no intention of R. My DD is a Junior in H.S. and doesn't handle change well. But with plenty of time to get used to the idea, she'll adjust. We all will.

We owe more on our house than it is worth, it would need to be a short sale if we sell. Honestly, I'm leaning towards letting the bank foreclose. It seems to give us the best chance of finishing out the school year.

I've talked further with my parents about moving in with them. They are actually looking at it as a blessing in disguise. They had previously asked WH and I if we would be interested in having their house after they're gone (I have two older sisters who have no desire to move from their current places). They're wondering if I would be willing to live there long term and help 'take care' of them as they age. I'm not sure about committing to anything like that, but it does reassure me that we wouldn't be a burden.

It's a lot to process and WH's 'suggestion' threw me for a loop because I wasn't expecting it, plus the financial pressure I'm under. I may or may not move in with my folks, but I will NOT live under the same roof as STBXWH ever again.

Thanks for all the good advice and support. It really helps to hear from others who understand this emotional roller coaster.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:24 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, September 27th (Friday)

So, STBXWH and I had a discussion last Sunday about the house. We're basically going to let it go into foreclosure, which takes months. The kids and I will continue to live in it until school is out, then move in with my parents. Nothing new there.

However, STBXH said something that was bugging me this past week. He said, "Losing the house was the final nail in the coffin of his American Dream." Kinda pissed me off. He HAD the American Dream, and it wasn't enough for him.

So the last time we talked, I brought this up with him. I also mentioned something else he said that's been bugging me. He said, "You know about 95% of it." I flat out asked what could be worse than I already know? Being Mr. Communication (insert sarcasm), we basically played 20 questions. Turns out some of his 'acting out' behavior was with other men. Specifically oral sex. No biggie for me, but a huge issue for him. He's a pastor's kid so I can understand that he has issues with this and doesn't want to talk about it.

The only good part of this, is that I now accept that he truly has an addiction, one that causes him to act against his own best interests. While I 'knew' before that his A.s had nothing to do with me, now I fully 'accept' it. The personal bite of his betrayal is starting to fade. He would have cheated on anyone, no matter how much marital sex they had.

I hope he gets the help he needs, I truly do. But all I feel is pity for someone who is ruled so completely by his sexual urges.

As for me and my kids, we will move on to a better and brighter future.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 70